Jamie4U

Jamie4U was created by man. He evolved. He rebelled. And he has a (tan) plan

2009-08-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have literally been stopping traffick with my outrageous fake tan! On local tv last night the last item was about how a bus driver saw me walking down the street and ran over a granny cos he was so surprised at how cool I looked. Even the police have been round to see me about it, and I've been told that I'm "causing a distraction" and have to wash off my tan!!!

It is typical that I try and raise the tone of this crap little town and this is the thanx I am payed. It is like living in Iranistan or something living here. I am like totally being made a victim because I love fashion. I'm like a Fashion Victim or something.

Anyway, I'm not going to change. I am going to spread the word of Tan whereever I go. Me and Debbie and Miss Thang have formed our own politikal group. We are called the Orange Panthers and this is our mission:

To make everyone orange

To make paleness like illegal

To have Jodie Marsh made queen of England

I have got some of my fake tan from Russia in a spray. This morning I went round Kwicsave and Iceland with it and sprayed all the pensioners with it when they weren't looking. None of them thanked me - they're like so ungrateful even though I am like spending MY OWN MONEY on them in the sake of fashion. One of them turned her head too quick and I got her right in the eyes with the tan. She was like "Oh Oh I'm being mugged. I can't see!!" So I decided to get the hell right out of there. I even lost my spray tan can in the exsitement. Damn!! But as Miss Thang said later "Jamie, we all must suffer for our politics. If we can just make one pensioner orange then we will have got our message out there."

Anyway, all this is a secret obviously, so don't tell anyone. Oh and get some fake tan on now you bitches!!

I am totally tantastic!!!

2009-08-16T10:03:00.001-07:00

I have spent all day applieing this special fake tan stuff that I got on the internet from Russia. As my skin tone is quite dark, I have to buy products that are designed for black people. There were some instructions about washing it off after 10 minutes as it can cause "skin melting" and "cancer" but I just leave it on because I want to have the darkest tan there is. It's great because it actually burns away the top layers of your skin so you have this purple skin exposed underneath, then it actually tans the purple skin, making it the colour of tree bark. You just can't let anyone touch you afterwards.

I look fucking gorgeous when I've had it done, so I decided to take myself off into town to show off my new tan. Everyone I walked past was staring - obviously they were all dead jealous. Someone shouted "Get back to Pakistan!" at me so I just said "Fuck off, you are homophobick!!" and went on my way. OBviously some people have no fashion sense!

Anyway, Keith has been sending me like 10 texts a minute to say meet him in the bus station cafe, and I was planning on doing some cottaging in there anyways, I decided to look in and put him out of his misery. He was sharing a flapjack with his new boyfreind Evan. Evan was wearing this tight t-shirt which showed off his massive arms and pecs. He's such a show-off and so needy for attention all the time. Honestly, it's patheitic. "Jamie, we can't decide what to wear for our civil partnership," bleated Keith. "I was thinking we should both wear white suits but Evan was thinking of being bold and having us both dressed in just jockstraps with angel wings."

So I said: "I don't really care what you go as. Civil partneships are so last year anyways. They never last. And in anycase, it doesn't matter what Keith wears, the camera flash will bounce of his shiny face so no-one will see anything anyway."

Keith gave a little scream and ran off to the loos to look at his face, so I was left with Evan. He like totally started flirting with me. He just sat there, texting and not looking at me. I could tell he was despearate for me to rip off his t-shirt. So I just like ignored him back. But after 10 seconds I got bored, and anyway, Keith was coming back, so I said quickly "So Evan, how about you come back to my flat. After been in prison I can take a whole fist." Evan said "Urrrgh, you're a vile common little queen. Fuck off!" But I could tell he was only saying that cos Keith had come back at that moment. So I got up, and ran my fingers across his face seductively (it would of been even sexier if some of my skin hadn't flaked off at that point) and said "You'll be following me out of here in ten minutes..."

I waited outside the cafe for a bit, but obviously Keith must have pulled one of her big queeny tantrums. She's so possessive and jealous.

On the inside the sun don't shine

2009-08-12T05:54:00.000-07:00

Ohmygod, finally! I guess you've all been wondering where I was for the last 2 years. Well, all I can say is that I was totally innosent and John Barrowman and all those other cellebrities who said I was stalking them were all telling lies - it was clearly a conspiracy and they felt threatened by me. Anyway, I'm on the outside now and my parole officer says I have to behave. I've even got a job at the new TK Max what's opened in the town centre. Debbie got me it, she's there too.

Brian has waited for me while I was in prison. He visited me every day and brought me like loads of care packages with cds, celebmagazines, fake tan, body glitter, hair bleach and kitkats. I don't want to sound ungrateful but often he'd get me the wrong shade of fake tan - like, I'd make it clear I wanted burnt umber, but he'd get me heavy sienna and stuff like that. I had to teach him a lesson and refused to see him for 2 weeks so he made the daily 50 mile trip for nothing. He just didn't understand what it was like to be in prison. It wasn't all daytime tv and giving skinheads handjobs (though that involved most of it). Still, he knows how I have suffered (he even went on hunger strike for me), and we are going to have a fresh start.

We went down to Climax 2000 last night - the hip and happening LGB club in town. Miss Thang, my fab drag-queen DJ freind was so pleased to see me. "Sorry I couldn't visit you Jamie!" she said, "As you know, I don't do public transport, but I sent you happy thoughts almost every day." It looks as if life hasn't been treating her too well. She's lost three teeth and shakes quite a lot now. "I'm on that Demonoral stuff what killed Michael Jackson," she told me. "It's dead nice, but the comedown's a bitch."

My fugly and boring freind Keith introduced me to his new boyfriend Evan. Evan works for the NHS "He's on 16 and a half thousand a year," Keith bragged. He's also does tryathalons and is dead butch. "Show Jamie your six pack!" said Keith. Evan pulled up his t-shirt and everyone went "wow". I wasn't that impressed. "Anyway, let me tell you about the night I had a sandwich with two of the warders" I said, but for some reason no-one heard me and they were all touching Evan's six-pack. He isn't even that good-looking. Keith and Evan are having a civil partnership soon. "Jamie, I want you to be there," said Keith. "Will you sing at it?" I agreed - I guess I do need to be a good freind to him and bring some much-needed glamour and soffistication to his civil partnership. Anyway, later bitches. I need to rehearse the words to the Spice Girl's Wannabe - I thought I'd go for one of the classical pieces.

The temptation of Jamie4jesus

2007-04-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

I was on the way to church last night when this big black camper van with a big red pair of lips painted on the side stops right by me. The back doors open and these three people wearing balaclavas jump out, grab me and throw me in the van. Then they drive off. I'm like - "look, I don't do that sort of thing any more" cos when I was gay I got paid to do a few "rape and kidnap fantasies" for sickos off the internet.

Anyway, the three people pull off there balaclavas and it's Miss Thang, Brian and Barbara. Miss Thang is like "Thank GOD!!! This thing is so not my colour!" So I'm like "What the fuck are you lot doing? You'll make me late for church. We're having a talk about the Devil uses Kylie Minogue to corrupt young people."

Brian is like "Jamie, you've been brainwashed by a CULT! We're taking you to a safe place and we're going to deprogramme you."

Miss Thang goes "God Brian, I keep telling you, the little fucker doesn't have a brain to wash. God knows why I let you all talk me into this. But Miss Thang loves drama and besides, Corrie isn't on tonight."

Anyway, the van stops, and I see it's Keith and Debbie who are driving it. They all get out and I am blindfolded and pushed into this room - when they take the blindfold off I am tied to a chair. I recognise that it's the upstairs of Climax 2000.

"Your deprogramming begins now bitch!" says Miss Thang. And she slaps me across the face for no reason. "We all talked about how to "get through" to you, and none of us could agree, so we're going to take turns." So beings the tempting of Jamie4jesus...

First Debbie appears. "I've shoplifted all this chocolate from Kwicsave" she says. She then pulls all these Kingsize Mars bars and kitkats from down her bra. "SNIFF IT!" she says. Then "EAT IT!" I am forced to eat chocolate. It tastes good. I haven't had chocolate for like weeks - Revred Bogg says it's the Devil's Poo. ("that's why it's brown"). But I stay strong.

Then Keith gives me a pint of Barcardi Breezer. It's my favrite flavour: blue. But it doesn't work and I scream that I love the Baby Jesus.

Then Barbara appears with a load of drugs and shoves a handful down my gob. It must be good stuff - probably GHB with a bit of LSD and a few Es. I have a vision of God, but it's just Miss Thang.

"This'll get ya!" she screams, right close up to me face. And she puts on a Triga porn DVD - it's my favourite "Scally tracky chavvy footie cum scum VVI". I try and close my eyes, but Miss Thang holds them open with matchsticks. "Watch it. Watch all that hot chav action!" she hisses. "You know there can't be a God. God would never allow this filth!"

I scream "Nooooooo!" And then Brian goes "Enough!" and turns it off. Brian then goes "Oh Jamie, none of your favourite things have worked. So all I have left is my undieing love for you. Please Jamie, denounce this cult and come home with me. I've just bought a 50 inch flat screen tv. And I'll make you microchips and findus crispy pancakes every night for tea for a week."

I'm like "Whatever! Not interested luh-huser!"

"Bring out the final weapon!" goes Miss Thang. So Brian gets something out of a bag. And I realise that they have won. I can't fight any more. It's a kylie cd. They start playing "Can't get you out of my head, na, na, na..." And I'm about to give in.

But then the door bursts open and it's Flo and Revrend Bogg and all the hunks from the church. Revrend Bogg holds up a huge cross and Miss Thang hisses and falls backwards. Flo unties me, and they help me escape.

"You haven't heard the last of this" screams Brian. "We're going to the police! Your little cult thing is OVER!"

Whew, what a lot of exsitement!

You'd better start praying - cos the rapture happens TONIGHT!!

2007-03-28T04:59:00.001-07:00

I was in bed with my GIRLfreind Flo and we were trying to have sex. Even though I'm not gay anymore I can only really do it if I lie on my stomach and she sticks her hand up my bum while I think about Philip Olive.

Anyway, it had been going on for about 10 minutes and then suddenly Flo gets all shakey and weird and is like "I'm having one! I'm having one!" So I pull the sheets over my head to avoid her, but she says "No! I'm having a vision Jamie. God is telling me when the rapture is going to be." Her eyes then roll back in her head and she goes "The rapture will beeeeeeeeeee........." just like Davina when she anounces the eviction on Big Brother. And then she goes "TONIGHT at 7.58pm!!!!" (That means I'll miss the end of Corrie! Damn!)

Anyway, we had to text all the members of the church and get down to our church right away to prepare. It was so exciting, everyone in a right state - we had to say goodbye to our families and shit, and make sure all our cookers and tellys were turned off. When we got to the church, Flo suddenly had a panic and was like "I forgot to let my pussycat out! Minky will die of starvataion when I'm Raptured Up." So Reverend Bogg was like "Ok, hurry back home and do it.."

So it got to like 7.51 and Flo still hadn't come back. Then hunky Tyler was like - "I know, let's play a trick on Flo. We'll all hide in the Bible closet and when she comes back, she'll think we've already been Raptured Up!" Everyone thought this was a great idea, so we all got into the closet together. We had to take our clothes off though and leave them in piles - because when you're Raptured Up, your clothes get left behind. Anyway, we were in the closet - it was a really tight squeeze. I had Reverend Bogg behind me and his pipe was digging right into me!

Then we heard Flo come back in. She saw all the piles of clothes and was like "OH MY GOD! The RAPTURE! It's happened!!!! And I've been LEFT BEHIIIIIINNNNNNNDD!!!!!!!!!" She then started slapping herself and pulling at her own hair and going a bit mad (I'm scared of her).

Reverend Bogg suddenly started breathing really heavily and groaned a bit, and then said "OK, let's put her out of her misery." So we all got out of the closet and went "Boo!" to Flo. She nearly pissed herself.

That night the rapture didn't happen. Flo said she must have misheard God again because he somtimes says some words in French.

And I must of sat in some rice pudding or something, because my back was absolutely covered in all this white gooey stuff. Oh well.

Miss Thang vs. Revrend Bogg

2007-03-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I was down the town centre with Revrend Bogg and all of my Church. We were singing and trying to save souls. I was shaking my tamborine (and my booty). Anyway, who should walk past but Brian and Debbie and Keith and Miss Thang and Barbara. Miss Thang heard all our singing and she was started screaming "I FUCKED JESUS UP THE ASS LAST NIGHT!" and other stuff like that. Revrend Bogg got all excited and he pointed at them all and was like "We have HOMOSEXSHUALS IN OUR MIDST!!! You people are the UNGODLY and HELL-BOUND!" Debbie turned round, pulled her knickers down and did a shit right in front of them - "That's what I think of yous lot!" she said. It was all getting a bit nasty, and then Brian noticed me.

"Jamie?" is that you? Everyone was like dead shocked and started asking questions at me: "You've changed so much!" "What happened to your hair?" "Is that a side parting?" "Why is it just one colour?" "Where's your fake tan?" "Why are you wearing Gap cordoroys?" "Is that shirt from MARKS AND SPENCER????"

I was like "BEGONE, I am WITH CHRIST and such things like don't matter to me anymores."

Miss Thang was like "Oh fuckin ell they've brainwashed the little cunt."

Then my GIRLfreind Flo stepped in and was like "Jamie's one of us now. He's saved. And when we're all raptured up to Heavin, you sinners'll be left down here in the nuclear war and everything."

Miss Thang was like "Yeah? Well good, cos maybe all the radiation will make my hand grow back (she lost it remember during a tragick accident invovling a waste disposal unit).

Brian was like "Jamie, I'm sorry we were all horrible to you. Come to Climax 2000 with us. It's a Kylie night. Theyre playing as much Kylie as you can stand to listen to...."

But I was like "No, the HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLE is in my past. I am BORN AGAIN!"

"Hallyloolah!" shouted all my Church at once. And then all my ex-freinds sulked off in a huff.

Whatever!

Go With the Flo

2007-03-20T02:02:00.000-07:00

I have spent the whole week praying and finding out about god and heavin and shit like that. I like so totally beleeve in god now. This means that I have to stop being gay, cos as Revrend Bogg says "every time that someone puts their cock up your bum Jamie, the baby jesus gets punched in the face by the devil."

Anyways it doesn't matter cos I now have a *girl*friend. Her name is Flo - she is 45 and is one of the members of our church. She lives with her mother and knows like the whole bible inside out. She has grey frizzy hair, and like the worst taste in clothes, and doesn't wear make-up and doesn't smile very much, except when she's talking about the Rapture. On our first date (to a tour of an abbatoir) she told me all about how like one day really soon, God is going to come and take up all the good beilevers into Heaven, and all the bad people and non-beilevers will be Left Behind. And then there'll be a nuclear war and everyone will have to have 666 put on their hands and go to hell and stuff. It sounds awful. Flo says she hears God who tells her when the Rapture is going to be. Last year, she predicted the Rapture on 76 different occasions but it didn't happen. "God speaks in a whisper, so I can't always hear him properly" she told me.

After watching cows being slaughtered on our date, we went back to my place. We were sitting on my bed and Flo noticed a copy of Heat magazine. She FREAKED OUT and held up her cross at it and was like "HEAT is the WORK of THE DEVIL!!!! HEAT is what you get when you're IN HELL!!!!" But I was like "No, Heat is cool - I've shop-lifted every single issue of it. Come and have a look Flo. See how thin Posh Spice is. And look at Vanessa Feltz." Flo hid behind a pillow but kept peeking out and giggling at all the fat and thin women in Heat. Afterwards we were going to have some twix and kitkats for supper, but Flo wouldn't have any kitkats. "I'm too fat!" she said. God! Heat magazine really works its magic fast doesn't it. It gave Flo an eating disorder after only 10 minutes!

Jockstraps and Jesus

2007-03-10T00:59:00.000-08:00

So anyway, I have been spending like loads of time with my new best freind Tyler. He is in this bodybuilding group called "Lifting Rocks for Jesus." He strips down to this tiny jockstrap with all these other hunks and then they do weightlifting for like an hour and pose and take photos of each other. I am there helper. I have to rub oil on them for the photos, and look after all the different jockstraps. They all have girlfreinds though and keep talking about them all the time, I don't get it!!

Everyone at Tyler's singing group says that I am like the best singer they have had. All the women there keep asking me for makeup and fashion tips (most of them are mingaz with no stile at all, but I am doing my best).

There leader is this guy with frizzy white hair who they all call Revrend Bogg. He said to me "do you believe in God Jamie?" And I was like "I've never really thought about it." Revrend Bogg was like "God loves you Jamie." Then he spent like an hour telling me that there IS a God. It was all a bit complicated and I didn't really listen to most of it, but it seems that the planet is only 5000 years old and everythings so perfect so it must have had like a proper designer and stuff who lives in Heaven. I was like "But Brian told me that we all came from like tadpoles millions of years ago." Revrend Bogg stood up and got really mad. He started kicking chairs around and pulled a bookcase over. All these leaflets with pictures of angels on them went everywhere.

"Evilution is a nasty lie!" he screamed in my face. "Say it! Say it Jamie!" So I said it. He then grabbed my hand and said "Get down on your knees! We'll pray together Jamie!" It was all a bit intense. He was all red and sweating and stuff and he held my hand really tight.

Anyway, I guess I believe in God now. It's nice to think when I die I will go to heaven and be surrounded by hot angels and shit like that.

Revrend Bogg puts all the photos of Tyler and the other Lifting Rocks for Jesus hunks on this website and people have to pay to see them. I asked him what he does with the money and he told me that it all goes to do Gods work in Africa. He has invited me round to his house for the weekend so we can talk some more about god and pray together. It's this fabulous mansion, like 18 bedrooms. I cant wait.

Fuck Debbie and them lot, I am poplar again

2007-03-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

I was walking past Climax 2000 and saw that they were having a big birthday party for Miss Thang. I could hear everyone was laughing and stuff inside, but I didn't feel like going in, so I went and sat in the park and was thinking about how unfair everyone is 2 me. And like, why am I misearable cos I am so hot and DESERVE 4 people to love me.

Anyway, I was sitting there for like an hour or summat and it gets dark. Then this really hot stud comes and sits next to me. He's obviously cruising me. He goes "Hi! I'm Tyler." So we like chatted 4 a bit and he's like "Do you want to come home with me? I've got a group session going."

So I'm like "sure, I love group." I was just hoping they were all as hot as him and not some old mingaz.

Anyway, he took me to this weird building and we ended up in this room with all these chairs. "The others will be here soon," Tyler said. So I decided to get comfortable and was taking off my coat and about to unbutton my shirt. Then these 2 really hot guys came in, so I was like "Yeah! Cool! Who wants to go first?" But then these 3 OLD MINGAZ came in after them, so I was like ""Well, OK, you lot can watch if you like."

But then these WOMEN came in. And I was like "what the fuck's goin on?"

But before anyway could explain, they all started singing and dancing and stuff. It was a bit weird at first and I couldn't understand what was going on. I think they were like a pop group or something, but still training. But they had put on some music and actually it was kind of OK, so I started singing and joining in, and I could tell they were all impressed, cos as you all know, I was like almost on Pop Idol and am a very talented singer-dancer.

At the end, someone started talking, but I wasn't paying much attention cos I was too busy looking at Tyler, the dancing had made him all hot and sweaty and he'd like unbuttoned his shirt so I could see all this sexy chest hair poking out. And his big pecs - yum!!

So it was a pretty cool night I guess anyways. And they all hugged me at the end - it was fab having Tyler pressed up against me. I'm in love! I know he feels the same way as he looked deep in my eyes and said "I can't wait to see you again."

They've got my address and said they'll call round tomorrow for another meeting. They've said I should try and learn some of the songs. They're over at this website.

See, I don't need Debbie and that lot. I can easily make freinds who appresiate me.

The one where everyone hates Jamie4U

2007-03-01T01:53:00.000-08:00

I think something is wrong with my mobile cos I haven't had any text messages for like 3 days. I had been txting Debbie and Keith and Miss Thang and Barbara (and even Brian) for like ever, and nothing!

Anyway, I popped into Climax 2000 last night and they were all in there together, laughing about something. I was like "hi! do you like my new haircut?" (cos like I have had new dirty blonde streaks put in and it's all shaved at the sides - dead kewl!) But I think they all must have been on drugs or summat cos they just stared at me. Then Keith burst out laughing in this high pitched voice (he is such a girl!).

Miss Thang then said "Yes Jamie, what a brave choice!" And they all started laughing again. So I sat down and was like "I've been like txting you all, did you not get my messages?"
And Debbie goes "Yeah, we got them, but none of us felt like replying Jamie."

So I was like "why? Who got your knickers in a twist?" And Debbie was like "You did. You know what I'm talking about."

I had to think for a bit, but then I remembered that last week at this party, Debbie had been there with her new boyfriend. Anyway, he got really drunk and pass out on this bed. I was sure he had been flirting with me all night and was in the closet, so I had done what comes natural to me and unzipped him. How was I to know that Debbie would have walked in on us. Some people are so selfish! What about MY right to have sexual pleashure? And he clearly WAS gay cos he got a hard on even though he was unconshcious. God! You'd think I'd like raped him or summat.

Anyway, I'd forgot all about it, cos that's like a typical Tuesday night for me. But Debbie hasn't had like a boyfriend in 5 years and they split up cos of it, so now she's all like "Jamie is a cunt!" and everything, and she's turned all my freinds against me.

So what! Suck it up bitch! I don't need no-one. Woteva and shit!

Three down, 998 to go.

2007-01-31T09:14:00.000-08:00

I had this wierd dream the other night. I dreamt like I died and shit. And then I went to Heaven and God was like Madonna. Yeah! And she was like "Jamie cannot pass the gates of Heaven because you have not yet completed your mission on Earth." So I was all like "What's my mission then Madonna?" And she said "Your mission is to turn 1001 heterosexual men gay. That is an important part of my plan. You are going to destroy internalised homofobia. And also, by creating gay men they will all buy my records and I can't seem to break through the straight male market. So I'm sending you back to Earth."

Then I woke up. And you know what, it all makes sense. I do have amazing, some would say, like supernatural sexual powers. And Miss Thang is always telling me that there's no such thing as "straight" but that all straight men are just in the closet because society is so homofobic and shit.

So anyway, last night I began my mission. I decided to hang out round the public loos in the park and see how many straight men I could convert. There were all the usual sad old cottage queens there, the ones you see night after night, so I just hissed "piss off" at them as I normally do. A few straight men came in but I ignored them cos they were a bit old and minging and Madonna didn't say that I had to convert EVERYONE. So I guess I'm going to concentrate only on the fit young ones. Then this hot straight man came in. I could tell he was straight cos he didn't cruise me or anything, and just went straight to the urinal and actally had a piss.

So I stood at the urinal next to him and started to feel his bum. Unfortunately he was VERY homofobic and kind of yelled at me for a bit and called me a pervert and said he was going to call the police. I was like "Look love, if you were really straight you wouldn't be kicking up such a fuss. You're clearly in the closet.

Anyway, he gets his mobile out and is calling the police. So I decide that maybe he IS straight and a lost cause so I start screaming "Oh my god! This is like homofobia. You have VIOLATED my RIGHT to express my SEXUALITY. It would be different if I was a WOMAN!" And I fall down on the floor and start writhing round and stuff. This freaks him out and he runs away. So I get up except I'm a bit covered in piss and nasty stuff from the floor.

Anyway, I hung around a bit more and sucked off three men through one of the glory holes. I don't know if they were straight or not. But I'm going to assume they were. It's not easy doing God's work and being the Chosen One.

Jamie4U goes posh

2007-01-27T02:17:00.000-08:00

These 2 gay teachers have moved in next door to where I live. Tim and... oh I can't remember the other ones name. But they are like dead posh. Honest they both sound like the man who reads the local news. The other night they were having like a "dinner party" and had all these friends and stuff round and they were all laughing and saying "goodbye" to each other in the garden.

I was a bit jelus cos I never get invited to stuff like that, and they had quite a lot of hot freinds. So I thought I would try and be their best freind myself, so that I could get lots of sex with posh hot people (who would buy me presents and shit, cos since I dumped Brian, moneys been tight).

Anyway, I arranged to bump into them when they were coming back from the shops and was like "Oh hi! I'm Jamie. I'm just like you. I like to suck cocks too! So I heard youre both teachers or summat."

And they were like "No, we work at the university." So I was like "Oh, I did an NVQCXVAC Award in hair therapy at the local college, well I did like a week of it but I had to leave cos of all the homofobia and shit I suffered!" They were like "Oh what a shame!"

So anyway, I invited them round to a "dinner party" last night. My first one. I didn't really know much about them, but I know you have to have like 3 courses of food. So I did toast for the starter. Then we had pot noodles for the main course. And battenburg cake for the sweet. It was fab. I've never done so much cooking in my life! They'd brought round this red wine, but it tasted "off", so I didn't have any. At least they were trying, even if they were clueless!!!

Afterwards we sat down and I got out my drag photo album and showed them all these pictures of me and my mates in drag. They didn't say anything, but I could tell they thought it was hilarious.

Normally by this stage I'd expected that one of them would have followed me into the bathroom or something for sex. But I suppose posh people are a bit different and maybe even shy.

So I turned all the lights off and put some gay porn on. My favourite DVD "Threes on Their Knees". It's a really fab film. You should see it. Anyway, I was enjoying it so much. Then I heard the front door go bang. So I put the lights on and realised they had both left. I suppose I must have turned them on so much that they had both cum too soon and then they got embarrassed and had to go home. Whatever!

Booty Call

2007-01-14T06:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I didn't hear anything from my hunky new "straight" footballer boyfriend Gav, despite sending him like 500 text messages in 3 days. Maybe he lost his mobile or something. I dunno. Anyway, I was in bed cos it was like 3 in the morning and then I heard my mobile go, so I checked it and it was Gav and he was like "can I come round I need a bj". So I was like "Sure". Anyway, he turns up and I could tell he was drunk. He didn't really want to talk or anything, he was so horny. He just pulled down his shorts to reveal those muscly thighs and grabbed my head. It was fab! Though I wish it had lasted more than 30 seconds. Oh well. I guess he must be in a rush. I offered to make him a cup of tea but he said "fuck off queer!" and ran out right away. Butch guys are so hot aren't they!

Anyway, I didnt hear anything from him for a few days and then the same thing happened again. This is like my ideal relationship! I was bragging to Debbie and Keith about it yesterday, but they didn't seem to "get" it. Debbie was like "But he treats you like rubbish. What about your needs!" And Keith was like "Yeah, you have no control in this relationship Jamie!" And I had to think about it for like ten minutes and then I realised that YES, they were right. I think it is because Gav is still in the closet and he is ashamed to be himself. However, I am so caring and kind - I feel I have been put on earth to liberate peopple from the closet.

So I went down to the football ground where Gav was playing in a match. I was wearing my pink "GAY PIMP!" t-shirt and a feather boa. I skipped onto the pitch in front of everyone, cos I like don't care and ran to Gav and kissed him. He was like "FUCK OFF!" And I said "That's not what you said the other night when we were HAVING SEX! My mate Debbie was hiding in the closet, just like you, and she took photos on her mobile, I have proof!" (Even though that bit was a lie cos she wasntin the closet).

And all the other lads were laughing at him. So he like freaked out and ran away.

I feel so glad about it. Now he can be himself and embrace the gay life.

Anyway, you can imagine how shocked I was when I was flicking round the telly tonight and on the local news it turns out that he lay down on the train tracks and killed himself! How selfish is that! Now I don't even have a boyfriend and this is the thanks I get for trying to help someone. God! Oh well, at least now I am single again I can go back to being (more of) a slag.

This is MY year! It's all about ME from now on!

2007-01-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

I have been living with Keith for the last few days. Everyone was like dead simpathetic when they heard how I had been living in an ABUSIVE relationship with Brian for like a year. I haven't been able to talk about it because I was so frightened of him. But now it's finally over I can talk about it all and I think that is why I have like BULLYIMIA and ANORACKIA. Because I was never good-looking enough for him. It is like so hard to be like 18 and have these pressures on you to be hot and thin and sexy all the time. Anyway, it is a New Year and a New Jamie4U. In fact, I am no longer Jamie4U, I am Jamie4me! Cos for once, I am going to put me first! And that means going after what *I* want for a change, rather than trying to please everyone else.

Anyway, for my New Years resolution, I have resolved to get a better body so more people will fancy me, so me and Keith and Debbie all joined our local gym. Well, Keith and Debbie had to pay for my membership cos I am a bit short of cash right now. But whatever, it's only money as I say. We had this like induction thing. It was right boring. How am I supposed to remember how to use all these different machines. I soon got bored. It was OK for Debbie and Keith, they are lucky enough to have Ipods to listen to. I don't have ANYTHING like that! It's so hard to be me sometimes.

So after 5 minutes I went off to the men's sauna. You're like supposed to wear shorts, but I took mine off and sat there with my tuppence hanging out, smiling and saying "hi" to all the cute guyz who came in and hissing "fuck off oldie!" at any mingaz. Anyway, these 10 lads who had been playing football all came in at once. It was a bit of a squash and I had to sit really close between them all. Well I wasnt complaining cos they were so fit! I tried to talk to them about the latest Christine Agileria album, but they didn't seem that interested in what I had to say for some reason, and kept ignoring me and saying "watch your arses lads!" and all this homophobic shit. Just cos my hand slipped once or twice and I ended up accidentally touching their cocks. God I hate ignorance!

Anyway, they all left, apart from one of them called Gav who had been a bit quiet. And when we were alone he said "I'm not gay or anything but you can suck me off." So I did. Afterwards we exchanged phone numbers and he said "If you tell anyone about this you little queer I will fucking kill you. Got that?"

I am officially a footballers wife! I have a great new fit boyfriend called Gav! I can tell 2007 is going to be a great year for me!

Brian's Christmas Meltdown

2006-12-27T06:04:00.000-08:00

Well! We moved into the new house a few days before Christmas, and to celebrate, I decided to ask all my freinds round for Christmas dinner. I just told Brian to cook a fab 5 course meal for like 16 people and then I went off round the Arndale centre with Debbie and Keith, cruising all the hot daddies doing there last minute shopping for knickers and stuff for their wives. Hot!!!

It was grate on Christmas morning. I got up at 6 oclock to open my presents, brian had got me loads of stuff, though there was something wrong with like every present, like I'd wanted that lycra top in matte black not satin black, and the watch he'd got me had numbers rather than roman numerals on it. God! He is so useless and I told him so because I dont believe in like lying to people and shit. You should always be honest. In with anger out with love and all that.

Brian had been cooking for like three days solid or something, I dont know exactly how long cos I havent been around much cos hes like boring. Anyway, soon the guests arrived around 10ish (I'd gone back to bed after I opened my presents and didnt get up until 12). Id invited these 3 guys off gaydar round for Christmas who I'd never met before. A little Christmas present to myself, I'd decided to "audition" them and shag the best looking one after dinner.

Miss Thang and her "life-partner" Ahmed came round also. Miss Thang threw some drugs on the table and was like "Happy FUcking Chrismtas all of yous!" she was totally off her head. Debbie and Keith and Barbara were there too and oh loads of people from Climax 2000! It were dead good.

Anyway, Brian was all hot and bothered and he served the dinner and was like "who are those 3 lads who keep talking to you Jamie? I dont think you've introduced me." So I was like "Oh just some friends off the internet, stop asking my questions, you're not my dad thank god even though youre old enough" cos hes like 30 and I'm like 18.

Then Miss Thang and Ahmed started dancing to "I wish it could be Christmas every day", but they got a bit out of control as they were drunk and off their heads. Miss Thang started trying to shag the Christmas tree and then fell on it, and she was on the floor on the tree laughing and going "Haa haaaa haaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaa!" Brian was like "Oh no! What has she done?!" And then Ahmed started going "You insult my WIFE! I KILL YOU!" and all this, so we had to lock him in the toilet for a bit until he calmed down.

Anyway, we finally got all settled for dinner. And Miss Thang kicked off again "This fucking turkey's COOOOLLLLLDDDD!" she screamed. "This is a shit Christmas dinner!" Brian had just come in with the Christmas pudding. And he heard her.

And then he just lost it altogether.

He was like "Ever since you came into my life as Jamie's 'friend', I have tried to be respectful to you Miss Thang. But I can honestly say that I have NEVER met such a rancid piece of vomit in my entire life. You are POISON! You are the putrefaction of DEATH! You infect every single person you touch with evil and bile and you do not deserve to live!"

He started to walk towards Miss Thang with this scary look on his face. Even though she was on drugs, Miss Thang realised what was going to happen and she said "Jamies got 3 lads off gaydar that he's going to shag Brian love!" and then she tried to run for it. But Brian blocked her way. She was like "Oh come on, it's Christmas, cant you take a joke?" And Brian said "No bitch, I can't." And he struck a match, held it to the Christmas pudding - it went up in flames cos of all the brandy. Then he threw it all in her face! She was like "Oh my god, my face, my face!" cos it was like burning all the skin off of her. Everyone was like in shock and started screaming and stuff, and it was like that scene in Carrie. People were like stampeding to get out, and Ahmed got pushed over and trampled by Debbie and everyone.

Finally, it was just me and Brian left alone. Brian said "It's finally over." He seemed quite happy. "Get out of my house Jamie and never come back."

I was like "But it's Christmas Day. You can't throw me out! Where will I go?"

Brian said "I wish I could bring myself to care, but I can't."

So I was like "How about I give you a blowjob?" which I've never said before.

And Brian was like "Always the tawdry little tart Jamie. Your rapidly decreasing sex appeal no longer works. Get out!"

So I was kicked out of my own home on Christmas Day and had to spend the rest of the day living in a toilet cubicle in the bus station!!! Can you believe it!

And then there was Jamie

2006-12-10T02:24:00.000-08:00

I am writing from an internet cafe in Blackpool! Yes, Brian has used the leftover lottery money to take me on holiday! Miss Thang, Debbie and Keith have come along as well. We are all staying in "The Meathole", which is a fab gay hotel. We always stay in gay hotels and go to gay cafes and use a gay taxi service and have a gay plumber and do gay everything. Anyway, the Meathole is fab. None of the bedrooms have doors or lights and you can phone down for drugs or a free blowjob. Miss Thang was like "See you twats later, I'm off downstairs to sit in the sauna, let me know in 2 days time when it's time to go."

So anyway, the rest of us went round the amusement arcades and had chips. It was fab. We went on a tram and Debbie needed a piss so she did it on the back seat - what a laugh! Brian was all "there's a lovely art decko hotel that I want to take some photos of for my website, Jamie will you come with me and steady my tripod" but I was like "fuck off, this is MY holiday, for ME! I don't want to do your boring shit!" so he went off on his own.

Anyway, then Debbie got arrested for shoplifting in one of the 50p shops, so then it was just me and Keith. I was like, "let's go cruising on Middle Parade" which is where all the hot guyz go. So we went down there. But it was just old mingaz. They all knew they didn;t stand a chance with me cos I am so beautiful, but Keith'll go with anyone who shows her a bit of attention, so soon he was the belle of the ball. I was like "I'm going to throw up!" so I went back to the hotel Meathole.

Anyway, a few hours later, the manager came to my bedroom. I was like "what?" and he said "I'm going to have to ask you to pack up and leave. We've had complaints about you from the other residents. You should be ashamed of yourself!"

So I had to go and sleep in someone's shed instead. How crap was that! I have an awful sore throat this morning too. I'll be glad to go home. I hate Blackpool.

Just like M people we are Moving on up, moving on out!

2006-12-07T05:48:00.000-08:00

Brian's lottery cheque has finally arrived, so he put it in his bank account. This morning he was out looking at this posh show home on the Barrat estate. I was in the flat, watching porn on our new 62 inch plasma screen tv (fab or what). Anyhow, there was a knock at the door and Miss Thang and her new boyfriend Ahmed were standing there. Miss Thang was all kisses and smiles for once (nothing like her usual self). "Oh Jamie luv, how have ya been?" and "What a lovely television, how tasteful!" and all this stuff. They'd been on holiday so didn't know anything about Brian's lottery win.

Anyway, when I told them Miss Thang was like "How wonderful Jamie. But do you know what? We can take that £200,000 and turn it into 2 million pound!" I was like "how?" and Miss Thang said "My Ahmed is a poker champion. Have you heard of Pakistan? Well, Ahmed OWNS most of Pakistan. He won it in a poker game. All you have to do is give us Brian's credit card details and we can go online and play internet poker and in ten minutes, we'll have tripled your winnings. All Ahmed wants is like 25% of what we win."

So I was like "Wow! With that much money we could live in a CASTLE like Posh Spice and Becks." So I got Brian's credit card (which he keeps hidden in the bread bin) and gave it to them. Miss Thang got online and they started playing this online poker.

But it didn't seem to be going very well. It was all very complicated and I didn't get most of it and they wouldn't tell me what was happening. But then Brian came back and was like "what's this pair doing here Jamie?" Miss Thang said "Ooops, time to go now Ahmed!" And so they got up and practically ran out. Brian looked at te computer and was like "I can't believe it! They gambled away half of our money. We only have £100,000 left now."

So it looks like we won't be getting a five bedroom new Barrat Home after all now, but instead Brian has paid the remaining money on a two bedroom flat. Actually, I quite like it. It's above a Greggs the Bakers, so you can smell cheese pasties all the time - my favourite smell.

Brian has been very quiet lately. He just sits in the sitting room, staring into space a lot and not saying anything. I can't be bothered with that sort of behaviour, so I'm spending a lot of time at Climax 2000.

I'm going to Spend, Spend, Spend!

2006-11-29T11:24:00.000-08:00

Well! What a mad few days!!

We got back to our flat after our celebration at Pizzaland and somehow news had got round the towerblock that Brian had won £200,000 on the lottery. It was like Zombie Dawn of the Dead or summat as all these people in track suits with cold sores crawled out of their sad little flats and chased us up the stairs shouting "Brian love! Can I talk to you about something?" and "Brian can you borrow us a grand mate?" People were like pulling at our clothes and stuff. We got into the flat and locked the door, but they started banging on the door and saying "let us in!". It were dead scary. In the end, Brian had to phone the police and they sprayed a water hose over everyone and we were escorted out under a blanket for safety.

So we are now staying at a Holiday Inn hotel in secret. It is like dead glam. I have never been in one before. It has like its own kettle and everything!

Brian wants to spend like most of the money on this 5 bedroom Barrat Home on this new estate. "It's a good investment! House prices are still going up..." he said. God he is so boring. I stopped listening. Anyway, I let him have sex with me last night, for the first time in months. He got so carried away that he was promising to buy me allsorts. Like a car, and a pair of DKNY diamond-studded low-slung jeans with the word "MAN-SLAG" spelt out on the bum in gems.

We went to the Arndale Centre today and I went totally mad. It was like probably the best day of my life (apart from the fact that Brian was with me the whole time - bleerrgh!) I spent like £4000!!! Can you beleeve it. Brian just followed me round like a little dog and carried my bags and stuff, and I was like "I'll have 3 of those and 10 of those!" It was fab and all the shop assistants were crawling round us (I even got a quick 3-some in the changing rooms of Envy with these 2 dead camp shop assistants while Brian was waiting outside).

Brian hasn't got the money yet, but it should come next week. All I can say is, it's ace been rich! I'm so happy and I know I will be happy now for the rest of my life!

Like, should I stay or should I go???

2006-11-26T03:29:00.000-08:00

I have been like really miserable all this month. My life should be fabulous not crap like this. I am living in this smell-of-piss council block and my anscient "boyfriend" brian is pestering me for sex every night. So boring. I was telling Miss Thang and Ahmed about it at Climax 2000 our fab local gay nightclub/hardware shop. Well, I was just telling Miss Thang really as Ahmed only knows 6 words of English (all rude). He didn't know that Climax 2000 was a gay club (Miss Thang went ahead of us and said to the owner "put the football on the tv, so my boyfriend doesn't set fire to everyone". So when we arrived it was just like a straight pub (if you ignored all the posters of those horny French rugby players in black and white). But Ahmed seemed to like that as he is a big rugby fan and he knew all their names.

Anyway, I was having a moan on to Miss Thang about all my shit and she was like "honey, if you hate your life then leave Brian." But I was all "I can't, I have to stay with him for my bail." So she said "Oh Ahmed can fix you up with a new identity, he does it all the time." So she said a few words in like Indian to Ahmed and he said some stuff back and there was lots of hand moving around and then they started shouting and then slapping each other - and get this, they both pulled off each other's wigs. And then they kind of jumped on each other and Ahmed was like dry-humping her on the floor. Gross or what.

Anyway, like 30 minutes later Miss Thang got up off the floor and she was like "Yeah, Ahmed will get you fake ID. But you'll have to leave Brian tonight. Go home get your shit and meet us here."

At that point all the footballers on the tv took their clothes off and started shagging - it was't a real football match, just one of those Triga porn films what the manager had put on. Miss Thang was like "OK, time to go Ahmed my lovely!" so we left.

I got home and there was like no lights on, cos we could't afford our leccy. I was packing all my bags and stuff in the bedroom. I didn't here Brian come in. But he must have come in quietly as he caught me with the suitcase on the bed and full of all my cut-off tops.

He seemed different to normal and was all hyper. I wondered if someone had given him some drugs. "Jamie! Jamie! I have something amazing to tell you." he said. "I've won the lottery. £234,345! We're rich Jamie! We can leave this awful flat and get a proper house an a car and have a holiday an everything!!!"

Then he noticed the suitcase on the bed and he stopped talking.

"I was just..." I said. But I couldn't think of anything to say.

"I know." He said, like really quietly and really sad. "Put your stuff away Jamie. We have some selebrating to do."

So I did. And we went to that posh pizzaland and had like a starter and everything!!!

Miss Thang settles down (sort of)

2006-11-18T02:45:00.000-08:00

Miss Thang came to visit me and Brian last night. We didn't recognise her at first because she
was wearing one of those black head-to-to viel things, with just a little slit for the eyes. As she is 6 foot 8,she looked quite scary, and we thought it was a Halloween costume.

"It's my new boyfriend", she explained. "He's called Ahmed. He thinks I'm a real woman, and we're going to get married. I'm converting to Muslim and have to take on all their customs and shit." Apparently they met in Sainsburys. Miss Thang was shoplifting and got caught, and this Ahmed guy is like the manager of the shop. She offered him sex so he wouldn't prosecute her, and they fell in love (I can vouch that she does give good blow jobs, especially if you like pain).

I was like "what the fuck?" because how can anyone not know that Miss Thang is not really a fella? I mean, I love her to bits and all, but she is like the worst drag queen in the world - when she puts her lipstick on, her lipline starts on her NECK and ends on her FOREHEAD. And she only shaves like once every two weeks, so there's usually loads of beard stubble. She has the biggest Adam's Apple ever and a really really deep voice.

Anyway, Miss Thang said "Ahmed's coming round in a few minutes, so you can meet him. Though don't act like you're gay cos they don't approve of that."

So he shows up at our flat, and Miss Thang is all over him, sitting on his knee (god knows how she didn't break his legs as she's like twice as big as him) and cooing over him, picking off bits of fluff off his suit and calling him "darling" and "sweetcakes" and all this shit. They are clearly like totally in love, because he couldn't keep his eyes (or hands) off her, and they kept talking in like Arabic or something. They started snogging on our couch, and before me or Brian could say "stop!", she had unzipped him and had his cock out in front of us. Brian was like REALLY SHOCKED cos he dosn't even like porn in the house. Luckily, it didn't last very long - and this Ahmed came all over the place in a few seconds. Brian was disgusted. "How am I supposed to get that stain out of the sofa?" he said. "It's Laura Ashley!!!"

Miss Thang was like "oh fuck off! How dare you violate my RIIIIIGHTTT to express my sexuality in any way I please?" And then Ahmed joined in as well, getting all angry and doing all this swearing and cursing in Arabic. They got quite scary, so we ended up having to leave the flat and run away from them.

We went back at midnight, and they'd gone, though Miss Thang had smeared shit everywhere and put her foot through the tv. She's such a vicious cow.

I can't believe I went to a Pub quiz.

2006-10-19T02:45:00.000-07:00

I still haven't heard back from "hotguyz" about my porn career, so I must of got the wrong email address or summat. Anyway, whatever.

We had like no money last night so Brian said, some of my freinds from the Dr Who Appresiation Society are going to a pub quiz, why dont we go with them and we might win and get some money?

I was like "NO FUCKING WAY!" I'm sorry but if theres one thing I really hate its pub quizzes. Theyre like so boring and depressing. But I was so bored of being stuck in the house and hearing the people next door screaming at their baby to shut up crying that I said "Oh alright then.

Anyway, we got to this pub - which was a STRAIGHT pub? Can you beelive it? ME in a straight pub. I never go in them cos they are like homofobic and stuff. All of Brian's geek Dr Who freinds were there. They all staired at me cos I was wearing my Jodie Marsh outfit. They were like trying to talk to me about stuff but it didnt work cos they didn't know anything about Christine Agileria.

Anyway, the pub quiz finally started, and there were all these boring questions about history and countries and shit, and I'm like "WHO CARES?" But then there was the pop music round and guess what? It was all about Christine Agileria - and as I am like her number one fan, I was able to answer every single question right. And we won the pub quiz cos of me.

Everyone was like "Yay Jamie!" at the end and clapped me and stuff. I was like so pleased cos I have never won anything before and never been on a team.

So I went to get the prize winnings, but it was only like £15. And cos there was like 5 of us on the team, we had to share the money so I only got £3. Pathetic or what?

Still, when I went to the toilets I gave a few wanks to married men so made £30. So it wasn't a complete waste of a night I suppose. And when we got home, that bloody baby had stopped crying at least. So that's something.

A boy's gotta do

2006-10-14T03:05:00.000-07:00

During Coronation Street, I was having another moan to my freinds about how much I hate living in this towerblock, when Miss Thang came over to me and put her face really close to mine and screamed in my ear for like a minute.

I was like "you burst my fucking eardrum! Why did ya do that?"
And she was all "Honey, I am SICK SICK SICK of hearing you moan and bitch. If you want a better place then do summat about it. Else put up and shut up!"
Debbie and Keither agreed with her (but that's cos they is scared of her).

Anyway, I had a think about what Miss THang said, and later on I was on the internet looking at porn and I saw an advert what said "We are always looking for hot young guys. You can make a lot of money. Send a naked photo and a recent face picture and we will pay you to come and be in a sexy film for us."

So I have sent them some photos because it has always been my dream of being a porn star, ever since I was like born! It's only been a few days now, so I suppose they must be very busy, but I expect that any minute I will get a reply saying "yes, we want you." How fab is that!

Tower block HELL

2006-10-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back living with Brian again. I don't really want to talk about what happened with Frankie. But needless to say, our holiday to Jamicia did not go exactly as planned. On the last night, we had some wild sex (as usual) and he said he wanted to "test my limits as a power-bottom" or something like that. So as normal, I just lay on my stomach and bit the pillow. I had no idea what he was putting up me. And you can imagine how pissed off I was when I got stopped and searched at the airport and they found 30 condoms stuffed with heroin in my colon. I was thrown in prison for like 3 weeks. Can you beleeve it?

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I am back in Brtiain again, thanks to Brian who flew out here and sold his house to pay for the best lawyers and stuff. When we got back into Britain, all my freinds were waiting at the airport to greet us: Miss Thang, Keith, Debbie and Barbara. Miss Thang had made a big sign that said "WELCOME HOME JAMIE THE DRUG MULE!"

The first thing I did was have a KFC cos God, I have missed British food like so much. You wouldnt' believe it. I still have a load of court cases and stuff, and as the condition of my bail I have to live with Brian (Whatever!) Needless to say, he is like on CLOUD FUCKING NINE, and running around everywhere like the cat what's got the creme (me!)

I am a bit pissed off, cos as I said, Brian had to sell his flat and we are now living on the 39th floor of this horrible tower-block rented accomodation crappy thing. It's awful and everywhere smells of cat piss and the neighbours are dead rough (and not sexy-rough either). The lifts are all broken, the only good thing about that is all the stairs climbing will give me a nice bubble-butt. I've told Brian it's just not good enough though, so he is working extra hours at Comet in order so we can save up some money and get us a nice new Barratt home or something on one of those posh new estates.

I'll write more later when I can be like bothered. I have so much catching up to do on the soaps!

My FAB wedding day

2006-09-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

Look bitches, like I know I havent been updating like night and day like what you want me to, but I have like A LIFE? you know? I cant be doing with these people who spend all there time on there computers cos like life is for living whatever.

Anyway, I suppose you all want to know about my recent marraige to Brian. What an amazing day. We had hired our fab local gay club Climax 2000 to have the ceremony and reception and shit. And Brian had spent like £1000 on the food and on our outfits - matching white leather suits! Classy! Needless to say, I looked gorgeous. Debbie, Miss Thang, Keith and Barbara were like the bridesmaids. I made them all wear these fluffy peach cinderella dresses - hilarious! And the food - as much butterscotch angel delight as you could eat! Walkers crisps everywhere (3 flavours - bacon, prawn cocktail and plain), kiora (that's orange squash), and loads of posh Mr Kipling cakes. Fab or what! I bet you are dead jealous. I wanted it to be classy and "understated" and that's what I got. Even the photos we had taken were all done in black and white - and were "artist" rather than rude - with Debbie only getting her tits out on 17 of them.

Brian was in a right tizz for the three weeks leading up to the wedding, with so much organising to do. I was supposed to organise some stuff too, but like, that's not like my thing OK, so I just let him do it. He didnt mind, he was so happy. He kept saying "I cant believe its happening Jamie, I've been wanting this for so long. I love you so much!" and stuff. I was all like "Yeah, weird isnt it!"

Anyway, before the ceremoy started Miss Thang said "hey Jamie, do you fancy getting off your head on your own wedding day? Wouldn't that be a fucking laugh love?" So I was like "OK, yeah, kewl!" So she was like "Frankie, The new DJ at Climax 2000 is a dealer. Come on, let's get us sorted." So we went to where Frankie was, and I'd never met him before. But he was dead good looking and butch, wearing just a leather jacket and no shirt (bit hairy pecs what hed had peerced) and cool shaved hair and loads of tattoos and shit. Miss Thang was like "Jamie, this is Frankie." And Frankie was like "So you're like getting married today are you? Pity. Cos I was gonna offer to shag your little arse from here to next week, ya little bitch!"

And Miss Thang was all "Oh I wouldnt let that stop you! There's still half an hour to go yet, go on, get in the loos out back. I'll give you a shout when the ceremony starts Jamie."

So we go off in the toilets and Frankie rips off my white suit, bends me over the toilet and rams it up there. He's dead good at sex stuff and has me screaming like a bitch in heat! Then I hear this voice say "Oh Jamie! Not on our WEDDING DAY!" And it's Brian standing there, looking like in SHOCK! And Miss Thang's standing right behind him and she's got this great big evil smile on her face and she goes "Oops! Brian asked me where you were and I forgot you were getting shagged by Frankie in here! HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAA!!"

So Brian rushed out in tears. And I'm like "Oh god, I suppose I should go after him." But Frankie's like "I'm not finished with ya yet," so he pushes me back over the loo and does it all over again. About 2 hours later I stagger outside and Brian's sitting on the steps, all crying still. And he goes "Oh Jamie. I know you don't love me in the same way I love you. But why do you always hurt me?"

And I'm like "I dunno. Maybe it's cos your old and fat." Cos like, honesty is like really important and I hate people who are fake and plastic and dont say what they mean.

And Brian says "Even though you've really hurt me today. We can make this a fresh start. A new beginning. I still want to marry you. Even though I know what youre like."

And I'm like "Well, actually, I cant be bothered to marry you. Frankie just asked me to be like his new shag-toy and I've said yes. And he said he doesnt want me to marry you as I have to like be at his beck and call."

Brian just like gulped air and said nothing.

So I go "See ya round babe!" and got up and went back inside. Well, I didnt want to spoil the big party. I went up to Frankie and gave him a big wet kiss on the mouth. And then I was like "Get me some fucking butterscotch angel delight. Let's get this party started!" And Miss Thang gave one of her big shrieky screams and Frankie put "Tragedy" by Steps on and we all danced!

What a fab day!

Gay Stars - heed my advice and judgments!!

2006-09-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

As everyone knows, one day (soon - next month probly) I will be famous and like have my own tv channel Jamie4Uvision where I will be followed round by cameras, like 24/7. However, there are already some bitches who have beaten me to being famous - cos they're like so very old and have been clawing there way up the ladder to fame forever! Here's my opinions on the gay "stars" of today - and if I feel kindly, I might offer them some free advice, which if they have any sense, they will listen to. Cos I'm like always right.

Alistair Appleton

Another one who's practically bald! The last time I slagged him off I like got death threats from all these crazy stalkers with no lives who are like in love with him. I was like "look love, if youre stalking Alistair Appleton then you have self-esteem issues. You do know you can like get counselling on the NHS nowadays..." My friend Keith thinks he's hot (enough said) and got me to read his blog but it was so boreing I fell asleep and split Fanta all over my computer keyboard. So Alistair you owe me a new keyboard bitch! How about NOT spending your next paycheck on hair plugs (no-one's convinced) and sending some of it my way???

Justin and Colin

I don't like this pair. They're so straight-acting - it's like their in denial about being gay or something! Self-integralising HOMOFOBIA!!! Also, I can't be doing with the Welsh. Are they a real couple? I don't think so!!! Their relationship is just for the cameras. Im betting they HATE each other in real life, like Baby Jane and Blanche (that's a film from like 1920 that Miss Thang made me watch). And I bet once the cameras are turned off they turn into a right pair of sissy queen bitches!

Brian Dowling

My God! Does he not know you can have liposuction done on your face? He looks about 45 now. What is that hairstile all about? Is it 1991 or something still? And those eyebags wont do - he looks like he should be taking orders at McDonalds on Charnock Richard Motorway Services.

There's more mingalicious pics on his website.

Dale Winton

He looks like Miss Thang when she's halfway through putting her drag costume on. I can't be doing with him - though I'd probably let him give me a blow job if there was £10 in it I suppose. I bet he smells funny.

Andrew Hayden-Smith

URRRRGH. What a right minga! Looks like someone got his wig on the wrong way round again! Also - check out his oily t-zone. Dont these people like have assistants who hover around them with a sanitary wipe? Also - eyebrow tweezers!!! Use them bitch... (I love helping)

Lowri Turner

A big drag queen, just like Divine - Miss Thang thinks she is like the best DQ ever and bases her entire act on everything that Lowri says and does. All I can say is that "she" needs to do something about those big man's hands and massive fella's chin and boxer's nose. It's like you can't be a proper drag queen if you just look like you're a bloke who's throw on your wifes dress when she's down at Netto. I would offer more tips but quite frankly, I'm wore myself out helping Andrew Hayden-Smith, so this one's on his own.

My wedding list

2006-09-01T13:07:00.000-07:00

Well! I have had so many emails from you all saying I shouldnt get married to Brian - I know why, it is cos you is all jealous and want me 4 yourselves. Well you neednt worry - I'm not going to stop been a slag just cos I'm getting married. Just so you know. LOL!

Anyway, there is so much to do to prepare for my wedding! I just cant sit still for a second, it's like I have worms or something (actually I think I do have worms, but wotever!) I have registered my wedding at Clone Zone - a fab gay shop that I love. Here are some of the things I need for my wedding, so get yourself over to Clone Zone and buy me something, bitches!.

I'm going to be wearing this jockstrap as part of my wedding outfit (I'll also wear a veil as well so I'll look classy rather than like a right slut.)

I love gay pride, don't you? Everything at my wedding is going to be either pink triangles or rainbow flags. I want a wedding cake shaped like a pink triangle and all my guests will have to wear pink or rainbow colours otherwise they won't be allowed in. This rainbow feather boa will complete my wedding ensemble - I will do a sexy dance with it as I walk down the aisle - everyone will love that!

I want this cd of pumpin' gay club anthems to be played as my "bridal march". I love NRG I do.

We probably won't bother with a wedding meal or anything. We'll just go straight to Climax 2000. So a few bottles of poppers will come in handy.

This leather sling will be my "honeymoon suite". I just plan to get myself strapped into it on my wedding night and let the fun begin!

Oh, and I might need some bedtime reading to get me in the mood, cos let's face it, Brian's practically old enough to be my grandma.

Burn Jamie Burn! Disco infernoe

2006-08-31T06:04:00.000-07:00

As you all know, I have had a run of bad luck lately, what with my ex-second best freind Keith stealing my hunky boyfreind Johnson, and then becoming bulimick and haveing a stalker leave a fish on my doorstep and being fined £800 for cottaging. So as to cheer me up, Brian decided to have a party for me. I was all like "I don't want no fucking party!" at first, but Brian said "OK then, we won't have one." SO I said "I suppose I could have a party, but only if you spend lots of money and there's a theme and stuff."

So we decided to have the 1970s as a theme and we all had a fab time planning our 1970s outfits to wear. Miss Thang came as "Abba after a car-wreck". She managed to be all 4 members of Abba at the same time, and I think she used actual human blood to make the "car-wreck" look authentick. Debbie went as a disco glitter ball - she is the right shape so she just got me to wrap loads of tin foil round her body. I went as a streaker (cos they were dead popular in the 1970s), and I know that everyone likes it when I go clothing-optional. Brian went as Farrah Fawcett from Charlie's Angels. As for Barbara, well, she just came in her regular clothes - an enormous orange wigwam thing, with her glasses and frizzy ginger hair poking out of the top. Miss Thang said "The 70s never really ended for Barbra, did they. She just went 1977, 1978, 1979, the ninteen seventy ten, nineteen seventy eleven and so on."

Anyway, Brian stuck loads of 1970s posters and stuff round the house and we got lava lamps and stuff and the flat looked fab! There were loads of people there and we all danced to great classic 1970s songs by groups I'd never heard of like "Yazz and the Plastic Population" and "Glorian Estafan and the Miami Sound Machine!" Fab. I love disco!

I was danceing with Miss Thang and she said "I know I don't look old enough, but I remember the 70s from the first time around Jamie. And they were fucking great!" I said "What was the best thing about the 70s?" and she said "The BAREBACKING! In those days you could have used my ass as a fucking pritt-stick. If I didn't stuff a handful of tampons up there then I'd be leaving a snail trail where-ever I went. HA HA HAAAAAAA!" (I think she had been taking a lot of LSD)

Somehow, Keith and Johnson had been invited (bitches!) and they turned up dressed in this crap outfit. I was like "What have you come as? The Nolan Sisters? And Keith was "No, we're Starsky and Hutch." Whateva!!!! They were really getting on my nerves, doing close-danceing and snogging and stuff. So I decided to make them jealous by danceing with Brian and makeing a big fuss of him(for once). I could tell he was really pleased. Cos he stopped the music and stood up and said "In front of all our friends, Jamie, I would like to ask you if you would be my civil partner!" And he opens this box and gets out this ring and goes on one knee. And everyone goes "ahhhhhh!" and "how lovely!" and stuff. So I look at Keith and Johnson, and they both look really happy. So I say "Yeah, whatever." Brian bursts into tears and Barabra farts very loudly at that point so we all have to leave the flat for 15 minutes as it smells of dead dogs.

Miss Thang comes up to me later and she's like "You do know your makeing a huge mistake, but who cares, I get to be a fucking bridesmaid!"

But all I can think about is all the presents and attention I'm gonna get. And how jealous Keith and Johnson will be. Those are 2 great reasons to get married, aren't they?

X-rated factor

2006-08-31T01:40:00.000-07:00

People keep emailing to say was I on the X factor on Saturday. Apparently this is the clip

Well, first, I should say that there are some superfishal similarities. We have the same voice and dancing style and the same hairstyle, although I have blonde highlights. Also, he's too fat to me. And he's a bit on the butch side to be me.

Also, I would of come on just wearing a gold jockstrap and sprinkled glitter everywhere. That would at least have ensured that Louie Walsh would have said "yes" to me. Old men like him can't resist me. Maybe they should do a porn-star X factor. I'm sure I'd win that!

Police BRUTALITY!!!

2006-08-30T04:09:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning at 10am (which is early for me - I normally don't get up until dinnertime as I never get to bed before 5 in the morning). Anyway, I heard this woman screaming downstairs outside. So I got up, and went downstairs to see what it was all about (there's always women fighting in our street - they could just cancel Trisha and point a couple of cameras here!)

Anyway,it turns out it wasn't a woman. It was Brian (he has a really girly scream). And he's pointing at the front step of our house. Someone has left a huge fish on it. He's like histerical or something so I have to drag him inside. 'Who would leave a fish on our doorstep?" he keeps saying. I'm like "Oh be quiet. It's just my stalker. You should be pleased for me. Only beautiful people inspire stalkers.'

But Brian can't stop screaming and he's like "I have to phone the police now!" So he phones them and like, later on that day, these 2 policemen come out. I had been like saying what a bad idea it was to get them involved, but when I saw these guys I was like "Oh yes, come to Jamie!" They were both like 6ft 4 and built like a brick shit-house. There outfits were too tight for them so I could see their bulging muscles and huge packages. Yum! They both had wedding rings on - but their hands were so big they could of been cock-rings.

Anyway, I was like, "you've caught me about to have a bath." So I took all my clothes off and wrapped like a flannel round my waist and let them interview me like that. I kept shifting position to the flannel kept falling off. I could tell they were both really into me, even though they were straight. I was like "I cant help it if I have a stalker - it's cos I'm so good-looking innit, every man I meet wants to fuck me!" And I let the flannel fall to the floor, and then I'm like "Oops! I'd better pick that up." So I bend over so they can get a good look at my ass. I can tell they're both like salivating and horny as hell. One of the police then asks Brian if he will leave the room. And I think "Oh yes, now I'm going to have a 3-some with 2 sexy policemen."

But then one of them says "We asked your partner to leave because this might be embarrasing for you. You were given a caution for soliciting for sexual partners on nineteen seperate occasions in the toilets in the park last month. You did not show up for your court hearing and you have been fined £800. You need to pay the fees or you could face a prison sentence."

I was like "whaattt?!" So I go "Well, can't we come to an arrangement? And I get on my knees and start crawling over to where they are sitting.'

But one of them goes "What are you doing? It is an offence to try to bribe a police officer with sexual favours" or something like that.

So I go "Oh my god! This is HOMOFOBIA isn't it! I could go to the papers and get like loads of money cos of this."

And they laugh and get up. Then one of them says "Look lad, nice try. But we're not interested in you. We only go for 16 year olds with bigger cocks than yours. Make sure you pay the fine." And they go out. Bloody police!

The call is coming from inside the building...

2006-08-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

I got this email yesterday. It says:

"Dear Jamie. You don't know me but I know where you live and have been watching you for several months now. You are a dirty little bitch. I have some of your dirty underwear that you threw in your bin and I am wearing it right now. I followed you to the park last week and watched as you let filthy old men paw over your body. Jesus Christ came to me in a dream and told me that you are bad and must be redeemed. You are going to come and live in my cellar and keep me company all the time. I will dress you in my dead mother's clothes and you will only be allowed to eat fish because that's what mother only let me eat. I will be coming for you soon. We will be saying the Lord's Prayer together a lot. You do know the Lord's Prayer, don't you?"

Oh my God!

I'm so happy. I have my own stalker. Just when I think that I'm ugly and nobody loves me, then I get rewarded with a stalker. All the celebrities have one! And I'm the only one I know who has one round here. I showed the email to Debbie and Barbara and Miss Thing and they were sooooo jealous. "You're so lucky Jamie!" said Debbie. "I'd give anything to have a stalker and someone go through my bins and want to make me wear their mother's clothes and stuff." Brian had to go and put a dampener on it (typical!) by getting all worried and upset and wanting to phone the police and move house and stuff. God he's such a drama queen. He's just jealous cos nobody would ever want to stalk him. Except maybe the fashion police. Brown slip-ons and a cardigan! God, now that's a reason to lock someone in a cellar.

Anyway, I've been hanging around outside late at night, hopeing that my stalker will try and kidnap me, but no luck so far. If you're reading this stalker then you'd better hurry up, cos I'm almost bored of you and I'm sure there are loads of more interesting people out there who could do a better job of stalking me. Oh, and by the way. I don't eat fish and I only wear old ladies clothes for Halloween, so you'd better spend some of your dole money and get me the latest DKNY and McDonalds.

God my life is like an episode of Trisha or something

2006-08-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

So as you know, my "hot date" Johnson, turned out to be a complete stuck up bitch. Well! I have never been turned down before EVER!!! So as you can imagine, the last couple of days have been hell for me, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I must admit that I am getting older all the time, and will soon be 19. God! I can't bear it. 19! My life will be over. OVER! Who's going to want a 19 yeara old? I also took all my clothes off and looked at myself in the mirror. Normally, I am really pleased with how I look. Having 0% body fat and everything. But then I looked a little closer and when I bent over and really puffed out my stomach, I looked like I might be... I can't say it...... average!!!!

Anyway, I have decided that the only thing to do to make everyone love me again is to become bulimick. Just like my role model Nikki from Big Brother. So I immediately went into the loo and stuck my fingers down my throat until I made myself sick. It was horrible. But I looked in the mirror afterwards and could tell that I looked thinner, so that made me feel a bit better. Then Brian shouted upstairs "Jamie, it's teatime. Come and get this lovely lasagne I've made for you!"

And I rushed downstairs and there it was. This huge plate full of evil hateful carbs and fat. Cheese! Pasta! "Is this some kind of JOKE!" I screamed at him. "Do you want me to KILL MYSELF???" "Jamie, Jamie, what do you mean?" he asked, getting all upset. "You must HATE ME!" I yelled. "You KNOW I don't eat FUCKING CARBS!" I was so mad I got the plate and threw it at the wall, where it hit his lifesize poster of Captain Kathrin Janeway right in the face. "Jamie! What have you done? I'm sorry. I love you. Can't we talk about this?" Brian cried. But I wasn't in the mood for listening so I ran into the street, crying, cos he is so crap and hateful to me whenever we fight. I swear, I'm like an abused partner. I feel like phoneing one of them phone lines and haveing him arrested.

So I text Debbie and Keith and Barabara and Miss Thang and I'm like "You all have to meet me at Climax 2000. I am having a nervouse breakdown and need you all to drop everything and be there for me, otherwise I may kill myself." So they all came of course, although Keith was almost 3 minutes late (bitch). And I poured out my story to everyone. They were all really simpathetic. Miss Thang was like "Right, I'll get that bitch Johnson barred from Climax 2000." And Debbie was like "I'm gonna sit on his face and not in a good way." (there never is a good way if Debbie sits on your face but never mind), but Keith was just all quiet. And I'm like "what's up with you fucker?" And he's like "Jamie I have something to tell you. Me and Johnson are seeing each other!!!!!!"

God! My life is so much drama. So I go "Whhhhaaaaaaaattt?" And Keith is like, backing out the door at this time. I can't believe that like my second best freind has betrayed me like this. What a spiteful, evil bitch, stealing MY BOYFRIEND. Needless to say, we went round his house and threw eggs at it and painted "KEITH IS A HORE!" on the door. That'll show him.

My hot date

2006-08-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

My life is so like Sex in the City right now. So anyway, as everybody knows, I have decided to get a new boyfriend (while keeping my old boyfriend Brian around as inshurance). I have my sites set on Johnson, this hot new guy. Though I must admit, I dont know how to get a boyfriend, cos, I've never like, had to ask anyone before. They always ask me, and I normally say no cos they're mingaz, but sometimes I say yes. Anyways, the point is, I've never had to "work" for it.

So I decided to just hang out at the Starbucks where Johnson works, to give him the chance to ask me out. God! I must have spent like about £5 on drinks as I sat there all day, reading Heat and sometimes smiling at him. But he didnt get the hint and just got on with his work. Bitch! Debbie was like "do you want me to ask him out for you?" So I said, "OK, if you must." So she went up to the counter and was all "hey Johnson, Jamie wants you to fuck him, how about it then?" And I didn't hear what Johnson said back to her. But a few minutes later Debbie came back over and said "He said he'll go out with you, for a meal. But no sex. He ain't that sort of boy." What the HELL is that supposed to mean? Everyone's that sort of boy. Especially when it comes to ME! I was all of a mind to go over to him and say "Look bitch, everyone round here wants to fuck me and I don't give it away on a plate so think youreself lucky who do you think you are anyway, you only work in a SHOP!" But Debbie held me back and said "He's probalby shy and didn't want to tell me what he wants."

So anyway, that night we had our date. Do you want to know what I wore? I "Customised" a pair of jeans by doing loads of rips in them and not wearing any underwear, so you could see most of my bits and bobs and bum through the rips! Hot stuff, yet also classy! I also wore more fabulous "Why Haven't you fucked me yet?" t-shirt. On the back it says "Cos your a minger!" And I've cut holes out where the nipples should be. I also wore some of Debbie's high heels, to make myself look a bit taller. I used like 3 jars of hair jell on myself also and Debbie put extra blonde highlights in for me. So I was looking like hot shit and EVERYONE was stairing at me all night.

So I met Johnson outside Starbucks and he was like "where did you want to go for our meal?" So I said "How about Greggs? We can get a couple of pasties if you like and eat them at in the waiting room of the bus station." And he looked shocked like I'd just offered to eat out his granny or summat. So I'm like, "Oh, is that not good enough for ya? Where do you wanna go? Somewhere posh I bet?"

And he's "no no no. How about Pizza Hut." Pizza Hut! That's like a REAL restraunt and shit. What does he think I am? Made of money? So we end up going in there and all these posh snooty waiters are looking down on me cos my cock is hanging out of my jeans and everything. Anyway, we dont bother with the menu cos I cant understand any of the stuff on it. Like what is a pizza mahgertita? Anyone? What is mozzzzzareelo cheese? There was a buffet thing, so we decided to have that. But they gave us this stingy small plate and we were only allowed one trip to the buffet. So I decided to load up the plate as much as I could. I just got loads and loads of stuff on it, so it was all piled up high like a big tower. Anyway, I started to walk back to my seat with his massive plate full of food, but I'd like forgot I was in high heels and I fell over! All the food went flying everywhere and most of it went on Johnson. He was like dead upset I could see "This shirt is from Next!" he said, going all red and angry. I have no idea what "Next" is. THen the waiter comes over and is all "I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You are causing a disturbance and your fancy dress costume is offending the other customers."

And I'm like "Whatever! It's high fashion and everyone in London is wearing this now. God!" So we get kicked out. I say to Johnson "So do you wanna fuck me now in one of the loos in the park?" But he just gives me this look and says "Your friend told me that you were special. I see now she meant SPECIAL NEEDS!" And he flounces off. Bitch!

So I go off to the park on my own and let 18 guys have their way with me. God! I can barely walk this morning. See, who's laughing now Johnson?

Starbucks-crossed lovers

2006-08-24T01:16:00.000-07:00

So, I decided to do some detective work and got my spy network to find out about the new person at Climax 2000 last nite. Debbie who knows EVEFRYONE found out who he was. Though I had to buy her like 3 kitkats before she would tell me. Then she’s like, “come with me.” So I get up and we go down the town centre and Debbie stops outside this dead stuck-up coffee shop place called Starbucks. We never go in it cos it is like so expensive – I’m sorry but I’ll never pay more than a pound for a drink. And its always full of these anscient women (like 30 or somethning) with crap died hair and stupid handbags going “Can I have a skinny latty café mochamachino.” Whatever! As everyone knows I only ever drink fanta unless I’m clubbing. So I’m like “I’m not going in there!” But Debbie pushes me in (she’s very strong). And then I look behind the counter and there’s the hot guy, and he’s wearing this tight black shirt which shows off his massive pecs and big thick arms and he is making coffee or something. And on his shirt is a name tag that says “Johnson”. And I’m like “That’s a SURNAME. It’s not a proper first name. Who IS this person?” Anyway, we have to queue for like fifteen minutes to get a drink, cos this Johnson takes ages to make the drinks – the milk has to be made frothy with this machine and its so fucking complicated. And all the stupid women in front of us cant decide what they want so they take ages making their mind up and its all “Shall I kiss my diet goodbye and have extra whipped cream Sandra?” I just wanted to scream “Oh my god, hurry the fuck up. It’s only a fucking cup of coffee!” Anyway, we get to the front of the queue, FINALLY! And this Johnson recognises us from the other nite. And he’s like “Oh hi, how are you?” like he’s like my best friend or something? And I was going to be all bad attitude and shit, but he was all nice to me and said my danceing was really good and asked all these questions about my routine and stuff. I hate it when people you don’t like are nice to you. So we just ended up haveing some fresh squeezed orange juice which was awful. It was so bitter – it tasted like battrey acid. I don’t know why they don’t just serve Kiora. That’s nice. And cheap.

Anyway Debbie’s like “he fancies you. That Johnson fancies you. Don’t you think so? He’s so goodlooking. I would die if someone like that fancied me.” And I looked across and he was smileing at me. “If you 2 were a couple, imagine that!” said Debbie. “You would be like the best-looking couple ever and everyone would be so jealous! And he must be on a good wage if he works here. With these prices!”

So we decided that I am going to have Johnson as my boyfriend. And we are going to be a power couple,like Posh and Becks. Johnson doesn’t know it yet, but we are destined to be in love and rule everyone. And my horoscope did say this morning “Possibly a romance might happen” So its like written in the stars or something.

I look good on the dancefloor, danceing to electropop like a robot from 1984

2006-08-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

So anyways, something happened that I want to tell you about, last nite at Climax 2000 (it’s a hardware shop during the day but the owner, who is like this great big bear (that’s gay slang, god, what are you like!) called Maureen just pushes all the shelves to the sides of the room at nite and gets out a disco glitta ball and there you are – Climax 2000!). Maureen only has like about 4 cds to play on his gettoblaster so I sometimes take along modern music for him to play. Maureen also sticks up some pictures of hot naked guyz from Latin Inches and Honcho magazine on the walls to give Climax 2000 that authentic gay niteclub feel – and I’d swear, you would think you were danceing in like some big city like Blackburn or maybe even York!!! However, sometimes he forgets to take down the pics the next morning when it turns back into his hardware store, and sometimes some of the customers complain and stuff. Though sometimes they like it and he ends up making new friends, if you get my drift ha ha lol.

Here's a photo of Climax 2000 what I took with my mobile.

So anyway, there we were at Climax 2000 on Tuesday nite (the busy nite) and Miss Thang was doing her drag queen act on the stage – which Maureen makes out of stacking some pots of paint on top of each other. And I was showing off on the dance floor – EVERYONE was staring at me as usual cos I am the best dancer AND the best looking one there. And every time I went to the loo (which was like every 5 minutes, cos I’m so skinny I only have to drink like a mouthful of 20/20 and I have to go), everyone would follow me in there, hoping to get a glimpz of my cock and see if I would invite them into the lock-up loo with them – which I hardly ever do cos theyre all mingaz really. Its fab tho cos I never have to buy my own drinks, theres always loads of guys wanting to get to know me.

Anyways, I was doing my old dance routine from some Madonna and been the queen of the dance floor and everything. Then the door of the club opens and these people come in. And no-ones ever seen them before, so we all stare and glare at them, cos we hardly ever get any new people coming in. And theres like 4 of them, they’re all really old – like maybe 21 or 22. And three of them are complete mingaz. I like looked at them for a millisecond, judged them as NOT GOOD ENOUGH and then ignored them after that. One was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. God! Nobody cool is wearing that stuff any more. Like what year does he think it is? 2004? Another one had glasses on – and Jamie 4U never goes within like 100 meters of anyone wearing glasses, incase I have to have my photo taken and the glasses-wearer gets in the picture and people think like I am friends with someone who has glasses. God! The third one had ginjger hair. So forget it. Like have you heard of hair dye? The last one was OK-looking I suppose, though he knew he was the best of them (not hard) and looked like he thought he was hot shit. He had black hair and a leather jacket and an eye peercing.

So they get on the dance floor and start doing this dancing. And they’re all crap at it, except for the good-looking one with the peercing. And I look round the club and everyone’s like, watching him and talking about him and pointing at him and stuff. And I’m like “Whaaaaaaat!?” cos this never happens. And Miss Thang is on her microphone on the stage and she’s like “Hey, who’s the hot stuff in the leather jacket? Why don’t you come up here sweeetheart and let me suck you off!” She’s so vulgar. I hate her.

So anyway, I cant have this going on, so I decide to show everyone whos the best dancer. And I start doing my Britney Spears routine, which I only do like once a month – I save it for special occasions cos everyone loves me doing it and it always gets everyone looking with open mouths. And I’m doing Britney Spears, all the hand movements and stuff. But this hot guy then starts doing this other dance, which is dead complicated and he’s got this proper routine – he must be a professional dancer or something. And everyone starts clapping him. I’m like dead pissed off. And then we have a dance-off. That’s like when two people do dance moves at each other and the winner is the one who can do the best danceng. So I try Madonna’s vogue. But I get it a bit wrong and fall over and everyone laughs, including the hot guy. So I get up, slap Keith in the face for not helping me up and for almost laughing at me. And then I STORM off into the loos.

But for once I’m in there on my own. So I wait for like 20 minutes and promise that I’ll let the next one who comes in shag me, and not even in the lock-up, but right by the washbasin, so everyone’ll know. But nobody comes in. And when I go out, they’re all still buzzing round this hot guy. So I say to Brian “I’m going home, I don’t feel very well.” And normally, he’d be like “Oh my god, Jamie, we have to get you to the hospital!” but he just said “Yeah, OK” without looking at me. So I opened my mouth to scream but no words came out. And I ran outside and all the way home and then sat in the living room with all the lights off, in the dark for like 2 hours before Brian came home. I was going to tell him “It’s over!” But I fell asleep.

This is what it must be like to be just ordinary like everyone else and not like a celebrity in your own town and noticed and loved all the time. I cant have it! I wont have it!

Sex with a Hungry Hippo

2006-08-17T02:46:00.000-07:00

There has been a problem with my comments for ages. How was I supposed to know I had to click "accept" or "reject" before they got shown? God. Computers are such hard work at times. Anyway, Keith's shown me how to do it and now you can post all the comments you like and they'll show up str8 away. I don't care what you say - abuse or love. I can take it all. I am a "power bottom" after all.

Thanx for all your private emails about my peom. There are too many to reply to but I have being inspired to share with you all some of my other writing. This is an erotick story I wrote for Debbie on her birthday. It's about me haveing sex with Robbie Wiliams (its not true obviously - just like a fantasy, though if youre reading this Robbie, email me and we can make it happen lol lol lol).

Robbie's like inside me

So anyways, me and my freinds Debbie, Keith and Miss Thang and Brian and Barabara were all at a Robbie concert at Wimbeldon and we had like really good seats, right at the front and stuff. And all the way thru it Robbie was stareing and me and singing at ME, especially like the love songs like "angels". And my freinds were all going "Robbie LOVES you Jamie!" but I was like playing it cool and shit.

So after it finishes, I decide to hang around to see what happens. And anyway, Robbie comes out and he walks up to me and he's all "Hey, do you wanna come backstage with me, I'm bored by myself and someone gave me this game of Hungry Hippos so maybe you wanna come and play it with me." And I'm "well, OK, but only for 10 minutes cos my bus is coming."

So we're in his dressing room and its massive and full of flowers and whatever. And we're playing Hungry Hippos, and chattin like we've known each other all our lives and guess what, we have like the same stuff in common. Like he's a big Christine Aglierea fan too and both our favorite colours are pink!!!! Then Robbie's like "let's make this interesting, whoever wins the game of Hungry Hippos has to take off an item of clothing". So we play, like 2 games and I lose them both and as I'm only wearing a thong and a "BOTTOM SLUT" visor anyway, I'm like totally naked.

And Robbie can't take his eyes off me. So I'm all like "I can't kiss cos I have an abcess, but you can fuck me if you like". So he takes off all his clothes and climbs on top of me. And I say "You could do with losing a bit of weight Robbie, like really - your tummy flab isn't very nice." And Robbie's "all, I'm sorry Jamie. I know I'm not worthy to have sex with you, I promise I'll become bulimic so next time you find me attractive."

Anyway, then we have sex and despite the fact I don't normally have sex with people with a 34 inch waist, it's fab, fab, fab. We, like, do it all over the room - I'm hangingoff the curtains and stuff. And Robbie cries when its finished. "I love you Jamie, please come and live with me!" But I'm "No, I told you Robbie. I have to get my bus!" And Robbie falls on the ground naked and is all "Oh god, I cant like, live without u!" And I'm "You disgust me. Lose 2 stone and we'll talk." And I walk out. And as I'm leaving I hear a gunshot, but I don't look back cos it was just sex for me and I cant' help it if guys kill themsleves after they've been with me.

----

I bet you're all hot and horny now eh? Needless to say, Debbie said my story was the best present she ever had, and she had to go off into the bathroom with it for like 3 hours (she's not a fast reader).

Jamie4U - like how deep am I?

2006-08-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

I had this email from some bitch yesterday and it say:

"Hey Jamie, you are such a cunt. You think you're hot shit but you're thick - why don't you put any pictures of yourself up here? Is it because you're ugly? And learn to spell you moron. You're a selfish, shallow, spiteful little queen and I was laughing my head off when I read about your STD and your failed porn career. You deserve all you get and I feel sorry for your friends."

Nice eh? Like I'm fucking bothered! They can kiss my ass. For every email I get like that I get like 20 begging me to be their boyfriend and telling me how brave I am for coming out so young and being myself.

And anyway, you bitches may think you know me, But you like don't. You don't even know it but I am like this really deep person who thinks about stuff, almost all the time. And to prove it, here's like a poem I wrote. It took me all last night to do. And I think it proves just how "shallow" I really am. Get ready to be blown away...

Homofobia

I am like, just me, you got me?
So you better know yourself bitch
if youre like gonna fuck with my shit K?

Boyz, girlz its like all the same.
It dont matter who you like.
Cos people are like, just shapes.
And it's like, you know.
Whatever.

And if you call me fag or queer or puff n stuff.
Then you need to get wit it.
Cos it's like 2006 and homofobia is so OVER!
Got it bitchez?

If I wanna wear body glitter
Or a see-thru black mesh top
Then it's just me being fabulous
And you need to get over yourself.

Cos I is feerce.
And I'm not gonna be put in your little box
And your words like don't harm me, OK.
So seeya, don't wanna be ya?

-----

I know. I bet you are stunned. Can you believe that I got like an E for my English GSCE? I know.

Where's my Bottled Water?

2006-08-15T04:38:00.000-07:00

So anyways, I had a text message from Mona saying "We need you in London bitch, get here right now." And she gave her address which was somewhere in Acton. So I put on my best outfit (white jeans cut off just below the crotch with rips in them, glitter in my hair, a pair of Debbie's pink stilletos and a black mesh t-shirt with holes where the nipples were. Oh and I wore my "Fabulous Bitch" necklace.) I had a couple of spots (just my luck on my big day) but I just put on loads of foundation so it covered it up. Anyways, I bought a train ticket and got a taxi to the address. London people are so rude and in your face. They were all shouting at me cos I didn't know where I was going "Get out of my way you big queer!" and stuff like that. God!

I knocked at the door and this little man with a goatee beard answers. And he looks at me and he's like "What?" but in a French accent. So I said "I'm Jamie and I'm here to be in the film." And he just ignored me and walked off and then I heard voices and its him and Mona shouting at each other and he's saying "You've gone too far this time Mona, what am I supposed to do with this one. It looks like like a retarded gerbil" and Mona's saying "Oh, For God's sake, have you forgotten - Tyler's dropped out. Where else are we going to get a cheap little slut at short notice who'll work for peanuts?" I have no idea who they were talking about. But anyway, they came back to the door after like half an hour and were all "I suppose you'd better come in anyway, whatever" and shit.

So the French one with the beard called Pierre said "So the other actors will be here in half an hour. Go upstairs and get changed into the clothes on the bed. And wipe all that shit off your face, get it?" So I went upstairs, and there's this tiny black leather jockstrap on the bed and a collar. Which I put on (and it looks quite good on me actually).
So I'm prancing around in it and Pierre comes back and I say "I'd like some bottled water please. And also can I have some Cheese and Onion Walkers Crisps" (cos I've read interviews in Heat with Christina Agliera and Beyonce and Naomi Campbell and stuff, and you have to make demands when youre a star). But Pierre doesnt even seem to notice Im talking to him. All he says is "get that jockstrap off. We don't need you anymore. Tyler turned up."

And in walks this vicious looking skinny queen with blonde streaks. And she's all "Well if you think I'm putting THAT on after it's been wearing it. I dont want scabies thanks."

So I said "I haven't got scabies, know yourself bitch!" (which is what Aislyne off Big Brother says and it's a dead good insult when you can't think of anything clever to say back). So this Tyler goes "I can't understand a word its saying. What sort of backwoods accent is that?" And then the bitch slaps me in the face like for NO reason.

So I slap back and we have this big girly slapping fight thing. Pierre and Mona are just standing there laughing. So I decide to pull out a clump of Tyler's hair. I grab hold of it, but then ALL his hair comes off. And guess what readers. He was wearing a WIG! You could see that underneath he was practically bald. His hairline started like on the top of his head and it was all reseding and horrible. Mona and Pierre were like "OH my GOD!" And Tyler's all "Give me back my hair you horrid bitch!"

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got thrown out into the streets, just wearing the leather jockstrap. And I had no money or nothing. So I had to go and give an old man a handjob in the toilets over the road just to get 50p so I could phone Brian. Even though it was like 1 in the morning by this point, he drove like 4 hours all the way to London to come and get me and take me home. When he saw me, shirvering in the cold he said "Oh Jamie." And I got in the car and I wasn't gonna cry. But I did for some reason cos I really did think this was gonna be my big chance to be a star. Still, when we got home, Brian made me spaghetti hoops on toast. And we watched an episode of the Golden Girls in bed. And just like that woman says in the film, tomorrow is another day. Nobody's gonna break me down. You got that bitches?

I'm gonna be a star!

2006-08-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

What a weekend! You are gonna be like so jelous when you hear! So anyways, Miss Thang's agent was coming into town, all the way from LONDON, and she was going to watch Miss Thang peerform her cabaret act at Climax 2000 to see if she was good enough to be in this tv pilot thing.

She was called Mona and she was this 50 year old complete power-dressing BEETCH who was like a cross between Patsy and Edina from AbFab and Karen from Will and Grace. She's like dead famous and knows EVERYONE in London and has like people from Big Brother 2 on her books and stuff. She and Miss Thang pretend to like hate each other, and I came along with Miss Thang to meet Mona off the train and Mona was like "Gained weight Darren?" (Darren is Miss Thang's real name but she'll kill me if she finds out I told you) and Miss Thang was all "You smell. Have you washed out your cunt lately?" and "Love your nails darling, you could get a job giving abortions with them" and stuff like that and I was just ignored COMPLETELY, so I sulked for a bit.

Anyways, we walked through the town centre and got to the club and Mona was complaneing all the way -"I can't beleeve you live here!" she was saying to Miss Thang "It's like a bad flashback to 1976! It's so provinshil. I've never seen so many mullets. It would be nice if you were a lesbian I suppose." And she was shrieking with laughter at all our local shops like "A Snip Above the Rest" where I got my hair tipped (and it's dead good actually!) and "Bargain Booze".

So we got to Climax 2000 and Mona sat down with a drink to watch Miss Thang's act. And she was dead bored. Then she noticed me and she was like "So who are you then? What are you about?" And I was like "I'm Jamie and I'm a shelfstacker in a supermarket for now but I'm gonna be famous you just see!" And she spluttered out her drink everywhere and was like "Whaaaaaat???? Are you for real? Are you on DRUGS?" So I said "I only had an E." And she was like "Oh sweetheart. You are priceless." Then she looked me up and down over the top of her glasses and she was like "Well, with that said, the bulimick, washed out, fake-tan pretty-boy look is actually quite fashionable at the moment. Are you a power-bottom?" And I was like "What does that mean?" And she said "WHat's the most guys who've fucked you in one night sweetheart?" So I counted and was like "Nine, no ten, no wait, thirteen, no..." and she held up her hand and said "Princess, you ARE a power bottom."

Then she fished in her handbag (which was a Lacriox) and got out this DVD box called "Chav Power Bottom 5". And there was this picture of this naked skinny queen surrounded by all this big butch muscly naked skin-heads. And the skinny queen looked like the cat who'd got the cream. Mona said "I know the company who do these films. Actually, it's my flatmate Pierre. He's a fucking frog, but he knows all the best dealers in London so I love him. Anyway darling, he's looking for the star of Chav Power Bottom 6 and I have a feeling it could be YOU!"

Can you beleeve it? I'm going to fulfil my dream and go to
LONDON and be in a film and be famous. Everyone is dead dead jealous. And Miss Thang is FUHRIOUS cos Mona didn't like her act and instead wants me. Brian was all like, "don't do it. London people are evil". But fuck him. He's just jealuos too.

Why does it hurt to wee?

2006-08-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

For some reason I've not been feeling well lately. Everytime I have a wee it stings, and there's this thick yellow stuff that keeps leaking out of my willy and leeving staines on my knickers. Ive tried just ignoreing it and hopeing it will go away on it's own, but its just gettig worse. I told Miss Thang about it and she was like "You've got the CLAP!" and she clapped her hands and screamed with laughter in my face. I probably shouldn't have told her while we was in our local gay club Climax 2000, because she make a beeline for the stage, grabbed the microphone and shouted "Jamie's got the siff and gonorrehahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!"
She's such a beetch! I hate her sometimes.

Everyone was like laughing at me and stuff. I felt so crap, so I pulled over a table, spilling everyone's drinks onto them and flounced out. (Well, actually I was barred for a week for causing a disturbance).

Keith ran after me and he was like "Jamie oh my god I'm so worried about you, you have to go to the sexual health clinic and get sorted out." And I was like "Furget it bitch! I'm not going down there, they put a syringe up your cock and stuff!" But I was in so much pain that I was crying. And as you all know, Keith is like IN LOVE with me (who isn't?) So he had an idea. He was like "How about I go to the clinic for you and get the medicine and you can have it."

So I was like "Yeah thicko, but you don't have no simptons so they won't give you any medicine." And Keith then said "I know a way I can get some simptoms." And he gave me this look and was all smiling and shit.

So anyways, to cut a long story short, Keith was having the burns when he weed in a few days. And he went to the clinic and they gave him the medicine - he asked for two doses as he said the other was for his boyfreind (in his fucking DREAMZ!!!)

So I'm cured again. Hurrah. Actually, I only took half the antibiotics cos it seemed to clear up after a few days. And I couldn't be bothered to keep taking the tablets for the full week. Whats the point?

To celebrate my newfound disease-free status, I'm off cottaging tonight. I'm hoping to break my personal best of 23 in one night. If you're interested I'll be hanging round the loos by the Hippodrome between 7 and 10. But only come if you're like 18 and fit. Ha.

Jamie Most Haunted

2006-08-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

Anyways, so last night Brian was all exited because of this stupid "Haunted and Celebrity walking tour" of the town centre which was organised by his boring gay group. He was all like "Jamie will you come with me" and I was like "oh my god fuck off". But he said he'd pay me £20 so I ended up going with him.

And god it was sooooooo crap. Like being back at school. When we got there, there was this group of ancient old gays standing round in tight t-shirts - the youngest one must have been 30. It was as if someone had spilt a big packet of walnuts over the floor and then they'd all been magically grown to 5ft tall - I've never seen so many wrinkled faces. Bleurgh. Anyway, you could tell they'd never talked to anyone my age before as they all kept stairing at me and trying to stand next to me and shit. I was like "talk to the hand beetch cos Jamie4U don't do charity, GOT IT?"

Anyway, the tour started and it was so boring, I fell asleep like 18 times or something. And the guide was this 100-year old drag-queen on her day off who started talking about some old cow called Shelly Bassey or something. It was all "Shelly Bassey did a shit here" and "Shelly Bassey pissed up against this wall in 1872" and all this. And all the ancient gays on the tour were like "whoo" and "how interesting" and taking photos and making notes in there sad little notebooks and whatever. Christ! Then the guide looked at me and was all like "you might find this interesting young man... Dannie Minogue stayed in this hotel 5 years ago." So I said "For Chrissakes, no-one's listening to HER anymore. Can't you tell me something about the Pussycat Dolls?" But no-body had even heard of them, suprise suprise. What do you expect from a load of retired, practically deaf old grannies? God, when I get to 30 and have to retire, I'll at least have the decency to either have a facelift or never go outside so I don't offend anyone.

Anyway, afters we ended up at this dive pub and everyone was trying to buy me drinks and I got 25 phone numbers. I also made £10 in the toilets upstairs, giving about 5 of them hand shandys. So it wasn't a completely wasted night I suppose. Oh, and I forgot to say, but I think I had a pshycic experience on the tour at one bit. We was by this haunted cinema where some lad had been murdered like 80 years ago or something in the 1960s. And I was just standing there, chilling out and shit, and this cute lad comes up and stands next to me and he's wearing like army clothes, like he's in World War II. And I'm like "hi, have we fucked before?" And he's all "No, but come round the back with me Jamie..." And I'm about to go with him, and Brian goes "WHo are you talking to?" And when I look round there's no-one there!!!!! So I think I got cruized by the ghost!! Can you believe it? That stuff is always happening to me. Anyway, I'm bored of you now so fuck off!

I want those puppies

2006-02-10T14:14:00.000-08:00

Although those 8 puppies seemed like a good idea at the time, it was actually like a crap idea, cos they poo all the time and are always crying. We have to let them sleep in our bed all night and they wee everywhere. Bloody things. Anyways, at least its keeping Brian busy so hes not pestering me for sex any more.

The other night Brian was going out with his sad gay geek freinds to see BackBreak Moutain or something - this crap film about gay cowboys except you hardly get to see any cocks in it. Like what's the point of that? So anyway, while Brian was out I invited Debbie and Barbara and Keith and Miss Thang round so we could have a "porn party" as Miss Thang had some pirate DVDs of these prison medical examinations. Dirrrrrty!

So we got in, and all the puppies are running round like mad. And Miss Thang goes "Ooooooh Puppies! Lovely! This one can be my new hat and these two are going to be my gloves and this one is going to be my muff..." Barbara and Keith were like "nooooo! Don't kill the puppies!" But Miss Thang just did this evil laugh and went into the kitchen to get a knife, cos she like IS a bitch and would kill the puppies.

She came out of the kitchen with a fucking grate big kitchen knife and she's like "Come to Miss Thang you puppies, come and sacrifice yourselves to fashion!" And everyone else ran at her to try and stop her, and there was a struggle, and in the middle of it, somehow Debbie got pushed over and she fell on the sofa and we heard a yelp and when we looked under Debbie we saw a dead little puppy!!!!!

Debbie was histerical cos she loved all the puppies, and we were all like dead miserable. Miss Thang was all "Oh god, I was only joking. I wasn't going to kill any of them." And to prove that she wasn't really a bitch, she said "Give the dead one to me and I'll see it gets a decent burial." So we put it in a McDonalds bag and she went out.

We were all feeling dead miserable after that, and even the dirrrrty DVD didn't cheer us up. Brian came back later and we told him about the dead puppy and he started crying and blubbing like a big girl, which made us all feel worse. God! I hate feelings. Unless they're good ones like when someone fancies you.

Then, the door opens again, and Miss Thang comes in. But she's wearing a new hat. "Like the puppy hat?" she says. "Well, the puppy was dead after all so it seemed a shame to waste it." And Brian just goes "!!!!!!!!" And then he grabbed the kitchen knife and ran at Miss Thang. And there was another struggle. Somehow, Miss Thang got pushed into the kitchen and she fell onto the kitchen sink - her hand went down the plug-hole, and I don't know how it happened, but Brian must of accidentally pushed the button for the waste disposal thing - cos then there was a horrible noise from Miss Thang and when she pulled out her hand from the sink, it wasn't there!!!!! She was just waving a bloody stump around and laughing (cos she was on drugs and couldn't really feel any pain).

Somehow, we got her to the hospital and waited around for her all night. We could hear screaming and stuff coming from inside, and she didn't get out until the next day. And guess what, where her hand used to be, there's now a great big horrible hook. She doesn't seem to mind that much and says it's good at scaring children and she can use it as a can opener and she's very much in demand now on the s/m scene at least. But I think shes putting a brave face on it and is really really angry, Brian had better watch out. And the other 7 puppies.

My new family

2006-02-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

Brian has been feeling all broody since I moved back in with him and is "nesting" which is like my new word of the day. He's been skipping around putting doilies on the coffe table and those lacy net curtain things on the backs of the sofas. the flat looks like my Nanna's.

Anyway, everytime we go past Mothercare he gets all choked up and says "Jamie I want to have a child!" I'm like, "Look love, I don't know if you've noticed, but we both have cocks so it's not gonna work." So he was like "I know that Jamie, I'm not stupid. I was thinking of becoming a sperm donor to a lesbian couple. Wouldn't that be grate!"
I was all "whatever, I don't care." Anyway, he had been spending a lot of time on the interweb and I thought it was because he was looking at fratboy porn or summat, but he wasn't, he was contacting all these lesbian couples and offering his sperm (ugggh!)

And it must have paid off because last Sunday he said "Come on Jamie, we're meeting these two lesbians for dinner at Pizza Hut." I got dragged alone, even though I was watching The Golden Girls on Living TV. Anyway, we got there and the lesbians were in a bad mood from the start cos we were half an hour late (well you wouldn't expect me to go out without spending at least an hour on my hair and fake tan!) They were called Kaz (fat, with practically a beard) and Jean (miserable, little, Scottish). I didn't like them at all. Brian was tripping over himself to be nice, but it wasn't working. They pulled a face when we ordered a pepparoni pizza. "We'ze vegetarian!" said Jean, making her mouth go all small and wrinkly. "We would raise our child on soya and quorn." (what the fuck are they when they're at home." God they were boring! Their idea of "fun" was like to go walking in the lake District - wherever that is. "We don't approve of clubbing." In the end, I had had enough so I sneezed all in their stupid margeryita pizza. "You did that on purpose" said Kaz, and she was about to beat me up. I was all "Yeah bitch, whatreya gonna do about it?" And then we were all asked to leave.

"Well that's that then," I said afterwards when we got home. But Brian was all depressed and just went and sat on the settee and didn't even look happy when I put one of his boring Star Trek DVDs on. God!

Anyway, I mentioned it to Debbie and Keith the other night and Debbie was like "I know, why not get him a puppy. That's almost like having a baby." So we ended up going to this petshop and there was this cage with five puppies in the window. "They are so cute!" Debbie said. We couldn't decide which one to get so in the end we got them all. Well, we made Keith pay for them.

When we got them home, Brian was like "Oh Jamie! What have you done!" But I could tell he was happy because he didn't even complain when one of them pooed on the creme rug. See, all those peoples who said I'm all about me and just think of myself all the time. Well its not true. Anyway, I'm off out. I think the puppies have pooed again and I can't be arsed to clean it up. Brian'll do it.

Lotus Flower you are so outta here!

2006-01-08T04:10:00.000-08:00

So anyways, I was complainin to Miss Thang about my current boyfriend (lack of) situation cos my ex Brian has shacked up with this camp Chinese fucker called Miss Lotus Flower or Lee or something. Miss Thang was all like "Don't worry bitch, let your fairy godfucker Miss Thang sort it all out." Her plan was that we pretend to be Lotus Flower's Best Friend in the World and then she said "Leave the rest up to me."

So I called round and said "How about a truce, meet me at the new FabUK gay club, The CockPit, and I'll buy you a drink." Lotus was natrually suspicious but went along, like we knew she would cos she's so cheap and never buys her own drinks or crisps even.

Anyways, have you been to the Cockpit? It's so kewl it's not true. Its name is like Cock and Pit put together - and that's even a room at the back what shows Bel Ami videos and you can get up to allsorts in there if you fancy. All the walls are painted gold and black and Miss Thang has just got a job there as the new drag queen DJ. She insults all the punters and makes the cute lads get up on stage so she can interfere with them. It's fab!

Anyway, she gave me this huge purple pill and said "Put it in Lotus Flower's drink, I got it from Mexico. It turns you into a sex-mad pig-slut." So I bought Lotus a tequila sunrise and popped the pill right in. It fizzed a bit but she didn't notice - the greedy bitch drank it down in one and then started bragging about her and Brian are going to have a civil partnership ceremony and they've booked Colstone Hall for it and have vowed to be monogomouse with each other like for ever and shit. There was more but I was so bored I just tuned her out and started playing Britney's Oops I did it Again over and over in my head (I love the classics) - some of these new gays have never even heard of Britney! Disgraceful.

So the pill started to work and I could see Lotus Flower starting to drool and get all hot and bothered like an old dog on heat. Some pensioner started giving her the glad eye and before you could say "Chlamidia!" she was off in the back room "just for a look". I gave it 30 seconds and then followed her in with my picture-phone. Needless to say, I was nearly blinded by the disgusting sight of Lotus being the buffet for about 10 gnarled old OAPs who must of thought all their birthdays had come at once. I took lots of pictures and then texted them to Brian's mobile.

Needless to say, it did the trick. Exit Lotus Flower. Forever. She's now leaving in a skip outside the graveyard - so she should at least be near her next new boyfriend. Brian BEGGED me to move back in with himand the first thing I did was light a huge bonfire and burn all those Chinese screens and cheap Muji furniture. And I have made him promise to take me and all my freinds to Blackpool for a fabUK weekend of fun fun fun. Can't weight!

I saw Jamie kissing Santa Claus

2005-12-27T06:52:00.000-08:00

Well beeyotches, what a fabUK Xmas its being so far. Me and Miss Thang did us Xmas shopping in the Arndale Centre. We had this grate plan to rob Santas Grotto. "The bloke what they've got doing santa this year is one of my regular clients" said Miss Thang (she does a bit of specialist escort work on the side). "He's a right perv. You distract him while I rob all the kiddies toys".

So I went into the grotto and sat on santas lap. "My you are a big boy!" said Santa. "What would you like for Xmas?" So I started in on my list. And I wriggled and squirmed around like I was a dog with worms. I could tell that Santa was enjoying my little lap dance because his face went as red as his costume and he was breathing all funny and stuff. Meanwhile, Miss Thang had snuck in the back entrance and was loading all the toys into black bin bags. Then I felt the seat of my jeans getting all wet so I suppose Santa must have had a litle accident. I got off and I was like "You ruined my new jeans you dirty old bitch." But Santa had slumped forward and didn't seem to be moving. Miss Thang was like "What have you done with santa Jamie?" And I was like "I think he had a heart attack. He looks dead."
"Jamie killed Santa!" shrieked Miss Thang. "HA ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!" She's such a cold beetch. I was all "Should we dial 999?" But Miss Thang said "Fuck off! We have to get going now. Let someone else sort it out." So we left with all the toys and we made £36 selling them off round the pubs and council estates on Chrismtas Eve.

On Xmas Day I had dinner with Brian and Miss Lotus Flower and Debbie and Keith and Barbara and Miss Thang. It was all fab and we were all totally pissed by 10 in the morning. Miss Thang had all these different drugs from her dealer which had pictures of snowmen on them. So we all got totally monged out of our heads. We ended up on the settee watching telly all day and woke up in the morning to find Debbie had pissed herself and it was all everywhere. Just as well Brian has lanimiate floors!

What a great Christmas. I hope u all had as good a one as me. Though I doubt it cos your boring and I'm fab!

My Christmas List.

2005-12-23T04:34:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas and shit. So what your gonna get me? Here's my wishlist below.

I already had one of these fab "bitch" belts, but it got lost at Climax2000, my fab local gay club when I was giving these two big skinheads a spit roast.

This "Diva" towel is useful for mopping up spillages and stains as well as being a fab fashion accessory at my local "straight" sauna. Let's all the closets know they mite be in with a chance so long as they're fit and hung and under 20.

I need some formal clothes incase I ever have to go on a proper job interview or a funeral and this black mesh top is a bit boring for me but I guess it'll do at a push.

I love anything with a Rainbow on it. Gay Pride and all that shit! Anyway, I was going to put a picture of myself looking gorgous in this picture and have it on my bed, to remind myself how fab I am - I can also look at it when having sex with slightly fulgy guys.

Go on bitches - get your wallets out!

The one with the talking flowers.

2005-12-22T09:32:00.000-08:00

I am so boooored of living in a Travelodge so I decided it was time to get back with Brian once and for all. I sent him a text saying "Hi wnt 2 mt 2nite 4 kfc and a fuck". He replied back saying that he would love to but he had arranged for a (sad) night in watching the whole new series of Dr Who with all of his (loser) freinds from the Dr Who society. So I decided to swallow my pride and pretend to be interested in Dr Who and invite myself along. Brian was like "OK, but Lee will be there as well." Lee is Miss Lotus Flower's real name. Whatever Minger!

Anyway, I put on my sluttiest clothes (and that was some feet as all my clothes are slutty). I had on my size ultra small t-shirt that is cut off just above my nipples, and I was wearing low-slung tight butt-cleavage jeans with rips all round the bum and stuff.. I also put on body glitter and extra blonde streaks in my hair and went on the sun bed for 30 minutes. So I was like hot shit!

I got there about 2 hours into the Dr Who Marathon. All these spastic losers were in Brian's front room, they all had glasses mended with sellotape and were either really fat with nasty bitch tits and sweating (ugh - I hate sweat), or really skinny with bad comb-over hair-don'ts. They were all fugly-fugly-fugly and closet cases - I've seen most of them hanging round outisde the loos on the top floor of the Arndale Centre. When I came in they all practically had a fit and couldn't stop stearing at me. I was like "Lap it up bitches, you can look but you can't touch." There weren't many seats left so I ended up wedging in between Brian and Miss Lotus Flower on the settee. Old Lotus was furious but had to pretend to be all smiles.

Anyway, I wish I could tell you about Dr Who but I'm afraid it was so boring that I fell asleep after about half an hour. Mind, it didn't help that all these morbidly obese loser fans kept saying "This contravenses episode 834 The Arc in Space where the Dr broke his sonic screwdriver" and similar shit. Like who gives a fuck. I don't understand people who watch tv. TV is for people with no lives. My life is better than tv.

Then it was like 5 in the morning or something and Miss Lotus Flower was prodding me in the side (the bitch) and it was all finished. I was like "OK, Brian, let's go to bed now!" But they all wanted to DISCUSS the whole series in detail. "What was your favorite episode Jamie?" some acned-faced geekoid said to me. Bitch! I had no idea as I'd talked and slept threw the hole thing. So I relied on my blagging skills and said "Oh, you know. The one with all the... drag queens." They all looked blank so I said "I mean squirrels!" Still blank faces. "No, I mean talking flowers." Brian pursed his lips into his little anus mouth and said "Jamie, I don't think you were watching." And Miss Lotus Flower started tittering and said "She was asleep the whole time. She hates Dr Who." Then all the geek fans went "oooooohhhh!" and "hiiiiisssssss!" cos it's like saying you hate god or something if you hate Dr Who.

"I am very disappointed with you!" said Brian. "I think you'd better go back to your travelodge now." I was really pissed off, and Lotus Flower was cackling and rubbing her evil claws together in glee. "Oh shurrrup!" I said. And I threw a bowl of pot pourri on the floor and stomped out.

It's not over though. I will get Brian back. And Miss Lotus Flower can eat my shit!

I'm a working girl again!

2005-12-10T13:35:00.000-08:00

Can you believe it? I get out of prison and find that my boyfriend Brian has taken up with this 8 year old Chinese bitch! And he can't decide who he really wants now so he's put me up in a travel-lodge. Like whatever! There isn't even a minibar. What sort of place is this? Acutally, it's full of closet-case business men so all I have to do is hang around the corridors at night and I usually make a few new best freinds for the night. I learned a few tricks in prison!

Anyway, I soon got bored of that and decided to catch up with my old fat fag hag freind Debbie. We had a great meal at KFC but then all my money ran out, so I was a bit miserable. Debbie was like "Why don't you come back to Asda and work with me again." And I said "But I can't cos I cheeked the manager and told her to fuck off and stuff!"

Debbie said "Oh, she was caught fiddling the tills and got sacked so I'm like the stand-in manager until they find someone else!" And I was like, oh great, I'm so pleased for you. Except I wasn't really cos I hate it when my freinds do well. Is that bad of me? Anyway, Debbie said "You'll have to have an interview and everything!" So I had my interview in KFC. And it was fantastic. Debbie was all like "What would you do if a customer wants to return a piece of ham cos it's gone off?" And I said "Slap her round the face with it and tell her to fuck off!" And at the end Debbie said "Well Jamie, I am happy to tell you that you have passed the interview and can start tomorrow. But there's one more thing - you have to show us your cock!" (She's such a pervert! I guess she doesnt get to see very many what with being morbidly obese and everything). So I got it out - right in the middle of KFC. There were all these closeted men straining over the heads of their wives to see, so I said "Take a picture, it costs less!"

So at least I have a job again. Which means I can just smoke fags in the toilets, have my tarot cards read and bitch about all the losers who work at Asda. We don't really do any work.

Jamie's LOVE TRYANGLE!

2005-12-07T01:31:00.000-08:00

So anyways, the first thing I did when I got out of prison was go to McDonalds and have everything on the menu. Twice. Then I had to go to the loo cos I didn't feel well. I suppose my body isn't used to rich food after all that prison crap. Then I went home to Brian's flat. I was wondering if Brian was ill or summat because he hadn't been to visit me for three months. I hadnt really noticed but then I realised I hadnt seen him for ages.

When I got to his flat, I put my key in the door but it didn't work. Whaaaaat! So I started banging on it, screaming "let me in, its Jamie I'm back!" And all these gossipy old women came out from the nearby houses and were like "Oh Jamie luv, he's got someone else, he dumped you luv" and stuff. So I was about to break the window but then the door opened and you'll never guess - this Chinese lad who must of been about 12 or something answered. And he's REALLY REALLY camp and he goes "Yeeeeeeeeeessss?" to me. And I'm all like "Who the fuck are you? Where's Brian!" So I pushed past him - not difficult, I hate to say it but his waist size was even smaller than mine and that's some feat. Anyway, when I got upstairs I looked round and what a state Brian's flat had become! All my tasteful pictures of Colt models with hard-ons had been taken down. My Kylie shrine was like totally gone! And instead there were all these Chinese fans and paper screens everywhere. It's like Brian had gone to that weird shop Muji and said "I'll take the lot, load up the van!"

Meanwhile, Miss Lotus Flower was fluttering around screaming all this stuff but I was like "Look love, I don't understand a word you're saying. If you come over here you have to learn English." Then he goes, "I'm from Wigan."
So I was all "Who are you and what have you done with Brian!" and Lotus says "Brian's my boyfriend now. We had the locks changed. You have to leave.!" So I was like "Listen darlin - pack your fucking bags and get out of my flat. Brian LOVES me!"

And we started having this big girly slapping fight, shrieking and shit. And then Brian comes in and he said "Oh my god. Jamie what are you doing here?" And I dusted myself down and decided to be all cool like Sharon in Eastenders. "Hello Brian!" I said in my poshest voice. "I have returned so how abouts you kick this 5 year old whorella out along with this rubbish Chinese furniture and we can start where we left off."

And Brian looked all confused and said "But Jamie, you always treated ME like rubbish. You hated me."

So I said "No, no, that's not true. I don't hate you. I l......" But I couldn't say "love". And I couldn't even say "like" either. Cos I don't like him that much either. He's kind of sad and boring if you must know.

Then Lotus Flower throws herself at Brian's feet, screaming and wailing and making a right scene of herself. So I'm like: "Oh how pathetic. Brian you have to choose!"

And Brian looked at both of us for a long time (I can't believe I am writing this).

Anyways, I've now staying in a travel-lodge - at Brian's expense, while he "sorts his head out". Miss Lotus may have won round 1 but Jamie has a few tricks up her sleeve. Game on Bitch!

In the big house.

2005-12-03T08:49:00.000-08:00

Anyway, so you mite be wondering what it was like 4 me in prison. Was it just like Prisoner Cell Block H and did I get to work the press and be freinds with Doreen and Lizzie and escape through a secret tunnel while putting on a panto for spastic kiddies? Well, duh - no. I kept a bit of a diary while on the inside - which I had to write on my legs. Here's what it says.

Day 1.

Well, prison is boring and crap. The worst of it is the clothes they make you wear - itchy and nasty and baggy with no arse to them. Hating it.

Day 8

Fortunately Debbie has come to see me. She's left me a "care package" which contains Heat and Now magazines so that will take up like half the week for me to get through them. Speaking of care, she's had her baby taken into care. She was an unfit mother. Who saw that coming! I didn't.

Day 46

Some of those criminals think they are tough shit and all, but they don't stand a chance with my vicious tongue - after all I have trained in bitchiness with Miss Thang and know just how what to say to humiliate and embarrass someone if they decide to pick on me. I am just like that one in Kill Bill!

Day 89

Some of the more fit prisoners are happy to let me help them get through those long nights - if you know what I mean. I have about 6 of them on the go at the same time, bringing me ciggies and whathaveyou in return for my "company". It helps pass the time I suppose.

Day 124

Well its nice to be popular. But one or two of my special freiends in here have got a bit possessive of me - well I was Mr Gay Blackburn runner-up 2003. There was a huge fight in the rec room last night cos of me. I love it when I am the centre of attention. Ha! Bring it on.

Day 157

I have got put into solitary confinement for two months, because the guards decided that everyone needs a rest from me. Bitches. They just want me to themselves.

Day 188

They have put this lad in solitary with me. He's right miserable. But kind of cute.

Day 201

I have tried to cheer my miserable cellmate up by singing to him every night. I do a scissor sisters medley with all the dance routines worked in - "Your FILTHY! And GORGEOUS!" But he just screams "shut up! I hate you!". I know that that is just his way of like working through his issues, and that he only wants me to shut up because he is like, falling in love with me and shit.

Day 202

Sadly even I wasn't enough for my cell-mate and he has killed himself. Oh well. Whatever. At least I get out of here tomorrow.

Is this thing on?

2005-12-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

Is this thing on?

Yes folks, the bitch is back, and as they say, it's almost as if she's never been away! I have finally like given in to the millions of emails and shit that I got from people begging me to come back. I could like tell you that I spent the last six months living the hi-life on a rich mans yatch in Malta or something, but I have decided that this is the new Jamie4U who tells the truth about everything. So the truth is, I have been to prison and just been released.

It wasn't like even my fault or nothing. Me and Miss Thang (my fabulous drag queen Best Freind) had gone to Selfridges in Manchester for a fabUK Sex in the City shopping spree. Anyway, she was off squeezing into all these Jimmy Choo shoes (and snapping them cos her feet are so fucking big - they're like horses hooves honestly!) and I was busy cruising the lad who works on the DKNY counter. Anyway, to cut a long story short, were getting up to allsorts in the changing rooms and then Miss Thang comes barging in, subtle as usual screaming "Come oN Jamie we gotta go, like now beetch!" So I got off the lad and we left. Everyone was stairing as usual cos Miss Thang is 6 feet 8 and never bothers to put her wig on str8 or her lippy on propley - instead she just smears it all over her face so it looks like she's been eating babies or something. "Hey Jamie love, carry me bags for us, I'm on my period! said Miss Thang to me. So I was like "OK, whatever" cos, she's a drag queen not a real woman, and doens't have periods, but the last time anyone told her that she took a big bloody lamb chop out of her knickers and threw it in their face, so you have to be careful as its like a touchy subject with her.

So anyway, I was carrying all her bags and thinking that she'd bought a lot of stuff and all, and we got to the main doors and then all the alarms went off. Miss Thang gave out this massive shriek, took off her high heels, grabbed my bag and then goes "Run bitch!" And before I knew it, she's ran off. I tried to follow her, but this really butch security guard jumped me to the ground - he was like practically dry-humping me - the closet case. And before I knew it I'm in a prison cell and then I get six months (there are previous offences, I'm not going into it here).

As for that bitch Miss Thang, she didn't even turn up to my court case. She was off round the Arndale Centre wearing all the stuff I helped her steal. My dead ancient sad loser boyfriend Brian showed up at least and made a right pranny of himself by weeping and wailing like a bloody widow - he even wore a black vail - how camp is that?

Anyway, so that's where I've been for the last six months. It isn't very pretty, but what you gonna do?

I'm just a tag-hag

2005-06-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

Someone has tagged with a meem. How DARE they, anyway, I'm bored today, so heres my answers.

1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

First, getting an all-over spray tan just before I went to that gay sauna. It was like a total waste of time, it just all washed off. Thats £16.99 Brian'll never see again.

Second, getting on the wrong train the day I was supposed 2 go to Big Brother auditions in Manchester. That could be ME in the Big Brother house now, not those slut-hores.

Third, falling asleep on Miss Thang's sofa after she spiked my Orgasm. That bitch decided to treat me as her own personal Girls' World Head. I woke up with half my hair shaved off, permanent red tatto on my bottom lip, and 16 peercings.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

Probably my Barbie doll.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up to five people to dine with, who would you pick?

Urrgh what a boring question. It's like the sort of thing what Brian and Keith talk about. Durrr. Anyways, if I HAD to, like it was life or death or something, it'd be: 1 Elton John (cos he's loaded and into chicken so I'd get him all horned up and then make him take me to HMV on one of his private supermarket sweeps), 2 The Spice Girls (I'd make them all be my fag-hag beetches and we'd walk around the town centre precinct and re-enact Zig-a-zig ah!" I know all the words and everything). 3) Paul Danan from Celebrity Love Island. Cos I'd probably be in need of a blow-job after that big McDonald's Happy Meal. 4) Bored now. Next question.

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

1. That a McDonalds, a KFC and a Burger King would all open next door. And give me free stuff.

2. That I could have my own tv channel - Jamie4UTV and it would just show my life 24/7. Like how fab would that be.

3. That everyone I worked with at Asda would get bitten by zombies and then turn into a zombie. Especially that bitch Miss Herrington.

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

Well, since the council closed down all the toilets, I'd say one thing is that theres not enough desent cottages anymore. It'd also be good if there were more 50p shops. As for avoiding - well any bookshop obviously. And Starbucks, cos, like, all the stuck-up shits sit in there drinking there fucking lattys and thinking they're it. Me and Debbie always shout "FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS!" whenever we walk past. Ha. HA.

6. Name one event that has changed your life.

I think it was the third time I got sifillis. The doctor at the GU clinic was all stern and was giving me this lecture about safe sex and shit, until I reminded him that I'd caught it off him during a previous visit (I can't stay away from those married doctors!) Anyway, it didn't really change my life, but whatever.

7. Tag 5 people.

Do I look like I care what anyone else thinks about anything?

Stains on the Sunbed

2005-06-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Brian woke me up yesterday (at 10 in the morning - like how early is that!) and he was all like "Jamie, there's a telephone bill here for £3283.28! What have you been doing!" Whatever! Like, it's not my fault that I get bored stuck in the house all day and end up talking on premium rate gay muscle chatlines where the call terminates in Brazil.

Anyway, Brian was like dead pissed off: "I will have to auction all my Captain KAthryn Janeway memorabilia stuff on ebay just so we can buy food!", and demanded that I get a job to help out. Tuh. So that's the end of me being a Desprate Housewife. Shame I didn't get to shag any hunky gardners (still that one off the telly was a bit fat and old for my tastes).

So I was wandering the streets ~~cottaging~~ looking for a job and then I bumped into Miss Thang who was going through the bins in the bus station (she has no shame), and she was like "Oh Jamie love, why not come and work with me and Tanya's Tan Cabin in the precinct". She has this day job when she's not been a foul-mouthed drag queen entertainer where she works in a tanning shop. So I was all like "OK, Whatever, as long as I get to use the sunbeds for free, when do I start?"

It's actually not all that bad. I get to sit and drink pots of tea all day with Miss Thang and gossip with all the middle-aged women who come in to top up their tans. And theres always loads of fit str8 lads from the gym next door coming in to use the tan beds and I get to flirt with them all (and also, they dont know it but I can spy on them when they're on the sunbeds - cos they don't realise I have keys to all the rooms. Half of them have a wank while they're on the sunbeds and dont know anyone's watching - and that's just the start of it - dirty bitches!) So it's not so bad being a working girl for a change. Seeya bitches!

Medium atomic weights are available: Jamie4U and Miss Thang have been assigned

2005-05-23T04:20:00.000-07:00

Aak! What a fucking shit week. Everyone at my fab local gay nighclub Climax were in shock about how Barabara lied to us all about her lottery win. Anyways no bitch gets away with messing with Jamie4U right. So Miss Thang had this great idea to fuck her up. Me and Debbie and Miss Thang went to visit Barabara in her secure unit and when the nurses weren't looking we pretended it was 1976 and that we were "Time Police Aliens" in order to mess with her head. Miss Thang was like "Hey Barabara, guess what love? All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Transuranic heavy elements may not be used where there is life." Barbara got really fucked up and freaked out so we have probably set her recovery back like 2 years or something. Stupid lieing cow.

So afterwards I had to go back to Asda and pleed for my old job back. I said I had had a bad reaction to my anty-biotics which made me act "out of character". But Mrs Herrington was like "No way. Youre lazy and steal things and a slut basically - is there any married man what works here that you havent sucked off in the staff toilets Jamie?" So I had to agree she had a point.

Anyway, been unemployed is fab! I get to stay in bed until like 1 in the afternoon, then I get up, have a packet of ciggies and watch the daytime soaps and stuff. Then I go round the shops and do a bit of light cruising, then go to McDonalds for tea with Debbie and Keith, then go to Climax for dancing and drugs and shit, then wind up back home at about 3:30. This is the life!

The Rain in Spain falls mainly on Jamie4U

2005-05-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

What a week! On Tuesday Barbara went to the estate agents to buy a villa in Spain and she was like "I want you to come out to spain and live with me Jamie." Can you beleeve it? Me in Spain? So I thought about it for like 3 seconds and said "OK".

So anyway, I went to Asda and went right up to Mrs Herrington my line manager and was like "fuck your job you four-eyed fat cow, I'm going to Spain". And I knocked over a big display of mushy peas on the way out. Everyone was like really shocked but I didnt care.

When I got home I told Brian I was going to Spain and he fell on the floor going "NooOOooOOoooOOO! But Jamie I love you" and shit. But you have to be cruel to be kind dont you.

Anyways, Barbara foned me and she said to meet her at the airport on Thursday with my passport and all my stuff cos she'd bought her villa and it was time to go. She's bought my plane ticket and everything. Can you beleeve it?

I got to the airport and was waiting round for Barbara and she didnt show up, so I started thinking that maybe Id got the time wrong or summat or maybe she had had another drink-driving accident on the way to the airport. I waited for like 5 hours and was starting to get worried because that's how long it took me to read Heat magazine and then I had nothing else to do.

It was getting late and the airport was empty and I heard these footsteps coming towards me from behind. I looked round and it was Brian. And he was like "Oh Jamie. I've been doing some investigating for you and I'm afraid it was all a lie. Barbara never won the lottery. She just made it all up for attention. When she tried to buy that villa, the mortgage people found out she had no funds in her bank account and confronted her. She tried to attack them and is now been held in a secure unit for her own safety."

I am totally devasted! Who would of thought it? If only I could of seen the signs. I suppose now I'm stuck with Brian and will have to try and ask if I can have my job back. Bastard!

She's going to spend, spend, spend!!!

2005-05-09T04:39:00.000-07:00

Now that Barbara is rich, she invited us round to her house for a party (Normally none of use will go cos it stinks of cat wee and cheese and onion pasties). Anyway, when we got there, she was in the garden and had lit a huge bonfire and was burning all her clothes and stuff. "I'm never fucking shopping in Oxfam again!" she said. Miss Thang (my outrageous! drag queen freind) gave a big whoop and then pulled Brian's toupe off and threw it on the fire as well. Brian was so pissed off that he pulled off Miss Thang's wig and threw hers on the fire. Luckily Debbie was there to separate them (she is so good so she should be a bouncer - she sat on them both for 20 minutes until they passed out).

Everyone is being so nice to Barbara it makes me sick sick sick. Its obvious they are only been nice to her cos they want some of her money. Whatever!

Later on, Miss Thang said to Barbara "Honey, there's something different about you. What is it?" And Barbara was like "I've had a face-lift! And Botox!" Then everyone was all like "Oh you look 20 years younger your so fab." It was pathetic! Debbie was kneeling at her feet practically licking between her legs, and Miss Thang was brushing her hair at the same time. Then we were all looking through these holiday brochures and Barbara was like "I'm going to buy a villa in Spain and you can all come and live with me" and stuff.

Nobody wanted to be the first one to leave (cos we were all dieing to slag each other off to Babara) so the party ended up lasting until 8 in the following morning and at that point Barbara collapsed from exhaustion so we all went home at the same time in a bad mood. Brian and Miss Thang had managed to save their wigs from the bonfire - but I think they had each got the wrong one, cos Brian was wearing a burnt, blonde beehive. Luckily, he was too angry and drunk to notice.

Winner Takes All

2005-05-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

what a weerd day! I was on my way to the polling station this afternoon, but noticed this cute guy in sicyling shorts going into the loos by the bus station so I went in after him (and lets say a great time was had by all). Anyway, I was feeling a bit thirsty after that so decided to go to Climax for a couple of early evening drinks. And when I got there, Barbara was running round in circles, looking more mad than usual. "I did it!" she kept saying. "I did it. I'm rich!" You know how Brian had been skitting her for not really being a sickic and everything? Well she did a few spells and managed to pick nearly all the right lottery numbers for this week's mid-week draw. "I've won £80,000!" she was screaming. Then she pissed herself and fainted.

Of course, now that she's rich, everyone in Climax was like claiming to be her new best freind and these young lesbians who've never even looked at her before were trying to sit on her knee and shit! The lenghts people will go to for money. Barbara is lucky that I am her REAL FREIND and can protect her against these people. So I was like "fuck off!" to them all. Of course, Barbara wanted to celebrate so we went on a pub crawl round town.

I didnt get home until like 4 in the morning. Brian was sitting up by the tv, with all the lights off, crying. "The Tories got in!" he said. "There was only one vote between Tory and Labour. They had to recount it 30 times. You did vote though Jamie, didn't you?" And then I remembered that I'd used my polling card to clean myself off after that rather nice incident with the man in cycling shorts. Oh well, whatever.

Brian then got a very pissed off at me - and he started throwing stuff around (even his lifesize cut-out model of Captain Kathryn Janeway got ripped up!!!!) so I thought I'd best go out for another walk. I decided to go and do some cottaging again, but when I got to the park, there was this big bulldozer knocking down the toilets. I was like "Stop! you can't do that. I practically live here!" but the workmen just said "It's new policy. These toilets are too expensive to maintain, and besides its only perverts what use them." I cant believe it! If only there was something I could of done! Now where am I supposed to get sex?

Not in Brian's name!

2005-05-03T05:17:00.000-07:00

So Brian woke me up this morning at 10 oclock - how early is that! I normally dont get out of bed until at least 12. And he was all like "Jamie Jamie I need your help. I am going campaigning today." I was like "Calm down Mary, what the fuck are you talking about?"

And then it turns out that there's like an election or something on Thursday (who knew? You'd think it'd have been on the telly or something - I watch Scuzz, TMF and Flaunt 24/7 and no-one's mentioned it on those channels). Anyway, to make it even more bizaarre - Brian is standing for our local seat - as a Liberal or something. He's been doing it for months. I hadnt even noticed, althoguh that explains all those yellow rosettes he keeps wearing (I thought it was just a bad fashion choice) and that poster of the fat ginger man in our window (I thought it was Cilla off Coronation Street in man-drag).

SO anyway, Brian wanted me to go with him and give out leaflets and knock on doors and shit, so I was like "forget it bitch!" But then he said "Well, if I get elected you will be like my first lady - like the Queen!" so I was like "Oh OK, whatever."

Anyways, it was so boorrrrrrring. Brian kept knocking on doors and these pensioners answering and Brian saying "Do you realise that 70 million innocent babies have been killed in the Irack War? Blair is Bush's laptop! Not in my name!" And all the pensioners saying "You what love?" or "I'm voting BNP to keep the blacks out!" or "DOn't you realise this is a marginal seat for Labour and if we voted for you, the Tories would get in you deluded twit."

And all the time I was just standing there, bored as fuck. But then we knocked on one door and this sexy daddy-type-man opened it and he kept staring at me so I started flirting back and licking my lips. And that made it a bit more interesting. So even though it was like boring and stuff, at least I now know where all the closeted hot gay Daddies live (and there are tons of them - I got about 30 phone numbers for "afternoon fun".) So it wasn't totally wasted.

Queen of the Cottage

2005-05-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

That bloody Harris has gone and got the police involved in our "lovers tiff" so now I'm not allowed with a half mile raydius of him. Bitch! Still, its only a matter of time before he comes running back.

So last night at the fabulous local gay club Climax, me and my possy were all talking about our lives and shit. Barbara said "I could of told you Harris was bad news - he's a Saggitarius - they're Trouble!" And Brian spat out his cocktail at that and was like "Oh Barabara what are you like! The spirit world doesn't exist. Too much Evette Fielding and Derek Fakora on Living TVs's Most Haunted methinks" (yes, he actually said "methinks" SOmeone remind me why am I with him!)

So Barbara got all upset cos she believes in astrology and spirits and ghosts and all that shit. "There HAS to be SOMETHING MORE THAN THIS SHIT!" she started screaming. It all got a bit frantic, so Brian said "OK, prove it. If youre sycick then what's the next winning lottery numbers going to be?" Barbara then went into a kind of trance and fell to the floor chanting stuff we couldn't understand.

Miss Thang (my sassy 6ft 6 drag queen freind) stood up then - and she was like "Well darlings, I'm so bored of you all I just did a shit in my knickers. See ya, don't wanna be ya!" And then she pulled off Brian's toupee and threw it across the room screaming "Here kitty kitty kitty! Oh, your cats ran off Brian!" So we all got barred again for causing a disturbance.

I decided to go cottaging on the way home (to get rid of all this sexual frushtration I've been having this week). It was a bit crowded when I got there - but I could see the three Cockitt brothers who work in the butchers (theyre dead fit and butch) crammed into a toilet cubicle together in a circle with their pants round their ankles. I tried to go in but they slammed the door and locked it behind them - bitches!

After about an hour they all came out one by one, looking shagged out, ripped clothes and everything. I went into their cubicle to have a look afterwards - what a mess! All I can say is you could hang wall-paper up in there easily. But worst of all - sitting on the loo in the middle of it all and grinning like a fucking Cheshire cat was that fucking HARRIS! This is now total war!!!!

I so hate students!

2005-05-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

I want to thank all my "regular bitches" for there kind words during this (rare) period of sexual frustration for me. Youll all be pleased to know that Laura-slut-bitch-whore is now out of the picture. I can't tell you the full details but here's a clue - Debbie grabbed the little bitch as she was leaving netball practise the other night, held her down and shaved her head. Needless to say, she had a breakdown and is now in a secure unit. It was worth the £30 worth of Tolberone I had to pay Debbie to get her to do it.

So.... anyway, soon after Harris sent me a text which said "I have to meet you!" so I was like "Yes! It's gonna happen." I trimmed my pubic hair, put on body glitter and lip gloss and the tartiest-slut-top I have and went round to his student flat. He got me inside quickly - I could tell he was hot for it. Then it all came out: "I have decided that I want to have a gay experience and I need your help." So I dropped my drawers, jumped on his bed and through my legs in the air. But he was like "Whoa! Whoa! I can't have sex with YOU! I was hoping you'd introduce me to that hot older man I've seen you with - he looks like he knows what he's doing." Can you believe it. BRIAN! He wants to have his "gay experience" with Brian - a 30 year old - practically old enough to be his DAD!!!!

So I was like "OK, you have issues, you obviously want to get fucked by your own Dad. You need councilling." And he was like "But Brian's YOUR boyfriend so you must want to get fucked by your Dad as well." So I said "Don't try to confuse me with your student-speak. Anyway, Brian thinks your a minger so forget it." And then Harris was like "OK then, how about your other freind Keith?" KEITH!!!!! That's even more gross and disgusting than Brian. So I told him that Keith has leporosy (which is practically true) and then he was like "OK, how about that drag queen Miss Thang? Is she available?" At this point I lost the plot. I threw all his student books and his guitar out the window. And before I flounced out I turned to him and said "I am fucking fabulous! Nobody rejects me! Rot in hell bitch! I never want to see you again."

When I got home I sent him a text message but he hasn't replied yet.

Who the fuck is Foucault anyways?

2005-04-29T04:17:00.000-07:00

So anyway, I went over to Harris'es student room to give him his massage (and more besides!) He was a bit late coming back - so I sat outside for 2 hours and eventually he arrived. I think he'd been smoking something cos he was a bit vague. Anyway, he said he'd been rehearsing with his band (they're called 'Eating Out Barbie' or something). So he let me in and I pretended to be interested so he put one of his demo cds on and it was like just noise! I tried to help by suggesting that perhaps he does a cover of Kylie's "Cant get you out of my mind" but some people can't take critisism!

Anyway, it was going a bit badly so I tried another tack. I noticed this book (urrrggh!) on his bed so I picked it up and was like "Oh, I've got this it's great isn't it." And he said "Really? You've got a copy of "Foucault's 'Discipline and Punish?' How interesting. WHat was the best bit Jamie?" So I pretended to think and said "Oh, the bit with the man in it. All of it really. Although I didnt like the end, I don't like sad endings." And then he laughed and said "Jamie your really hilarious." So I got out my peppermint foot lotion and was like "Massage Time! Take all your clothes off."

Anyway, he gave me this look and took his shirt off and god!!!!! Come to momma bitch! Then he was like "Do you think I have a good body? Cos I read this magazine article and it says that gay men have higher standards than women so if you can get a gay man to fancy you then it means you really are hot shit."

So I was just putting the peppermint stuff on my hands and he was like "Be gentle with me" and then! Bitch! That blonde piece - his girlfriend Laura-slut-whatever came in and she was all like "What's going on here." So I was like "Chill bitch. Get over it! I won him fair and square." Then she got totally histerical and slapped me. Me! And Harris was like "I think youd better leave Jamie."

Gross or what? Round 1 to LAura-slut-bitch. But the battle ain't over.

All About Harris

2005-04-27T05:30:00.000-07:00

My definitely-closeted boyfriend-to-be Harris must have lost my mobile number so I sent him a text asking him for a drink at Climax, but he wrote back to say he had to go to rugby practice. So invited myself and Debbie and Keith along to watch (a good chance to see him running around in shorts).

ANyway, it was all very phwoaaaar! as you can imagine. He's got lovely pecs and a small bitable bum! There was this blonde bint on the sidelines who was screaming "go Harris!" and it turned out that she's his girlfriend (for now). Anyway, at the end of the match Debbie spilt the contents of a bottle of Iron Bru over her face and she had to go off and get cleaned up. Harris saw us and came over and was like "Where's Laura?" (Laura! Yuck! What sort of posh horsey name is THAT!!!!) So Debbie said "oh she got bored and then she had her period and went home."

Harris said he couldn't come to Climax with us as he was going out drinking with his rugby mates, so we went along as well. Debbie proved to be VERY popular as she could drink them all under the table and was quite happy to show her tits off and sit on their faces and generally be Debbie. I think it went a bit too far though because some of the lads got upset and were crying at the end and stuff.

So that left me with Harris. I took the advice from you lot who always leave comments on here and decided to get him drunk. It didn't take much (tipical student!) so I started asking him about his work-out routine and offered to give him a massage (well I did study health and beauty and hairdressing at Morecambe College for 2 whole weeks before I dropped out cos like I needed to BE MYSELF and FIND OUT WHO I AM by stacking shelves at Asda). He seemed a bit unsertain, saying that he's never had a massage before, so I was like "oh well if you're scared of me and youd rather not have a new expeerience than it doesn't matter." So in the end he agreed and I am going round his room tonight to give him one. And a massage. Ha ha. Wish me luck bitches!

I'm in McLove!

2005-04-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

Debbies baby is really getting big - she can eat like two portions of chips a day. Debbie is so proud "She had her first cigarette yesterday!"

ANyway, baby was feeling a bit hungry so we thought we'd nip into McDonalds to get her a cheeseburger and a McFlurry before going on to our great local gay club Climax. Anyway, we were just tucking into our Happy meals when there was all this kerfuffle. All these STUDENTS (I apologise for my bad language) wearing CHARITY SHOP CLOTHES!!!! (noooooo!) burst in with these plackards with writing on them. And they were all chanting "McDonalds kills trees. McDonalds explodes third world cultures. McDonalds makes people fat so they die!"

Debbie got a bit mad cos dissing McDonalds is like calling her mother a whore or something so she got up and started belting these students round the head with there plackards. As you know, all students are soft as shit so they all started crying and most of them ran out.

But there was this one student-boy who was like the ringleader who Debbie had really clobbered and he was lying on the floor going "oooooh ooooo owww!" I kind of tripped over him but then I noticed he was gorgeous (well he would have been if he got some blonde streaks in his hair and went to TopMan). So I was all like "are you ok? My name's Jamie." And then I realised that I dont know how to talk to students so I didn't know what to say so I just stared at his huge crotch. And I think at that moment I fell in love with him.

Then Debbie came over and she was like "Jamie, get up, we have to go to Climax RIGHT NOW!" And then the student got all interested and he was like "Are you gay? Wow. That's so cool. I've never met a gay lad before but my girlfriend had to do an essay on gender performance. Wow, you are so cool. Can I come to Climax with you?"

So we were like "OK, whatever bitch!" but I was secretly pleased because he is so gorgeous and I'm sure he's just in the closet. Anyway, he is called Harris (what sort of stupid name is that!) and is from Bristol (where the fuck is that?) And now I have his mobile number so I guess this is just the start. I've never felt like this about anyone before. My tummy is all tingly!!! I bet he has a big cock. What do you reckon?

I have a dream...

2005-04-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

Well kids, we are all back in Britin, no thanks to Debbie who had a huge air-rage attack on the plane (they caught her smoking in the toilets and when they tried to stop her she severed an artery of one of the air hostesses by biting her on the neck. Four big men had to sit on her to keep her restrained. They were bruised and crying by the time the plane landed. Meanwhile, I "set up shop" in the toilet (well, Debbie wouldn't be needing it anymore) and had a rather nice time with three of the trolley dolleys.

Oh my god though! Life is like so boring now I am back in this country. I hate Asda. They've put me in the booth selling lottery tickets - as a punishment for "cheeking the boss" and "having an attitude" (I am all about the 'tude). So I have to sit there and deal with all the smelly chav old ladies rubbing fucking lucky trolls and four leaf clovers over their lottery tickets.

You know what though - one day I'm going to be rich and famous and a sillebrity. And then I'll have it all. I'll leave this stupid boring city and go and live in my own 2 bedroomed flat in Manchester above a pub on Canal Street (or Salford even if there aren't any available - I can wait until one comes free I suppose) and all the furniture will be that posh stuff from Ikea (and not from the damaged stock either!) and I'll be able to afford as much KFC and Cadburys Creme eggs as I want. And I'll never get fat or old cos I'll just have lipsuction and a face lift once a month. And I'll walk down that fucking Canal Street and everyone'll be like "Who's that? I've fallen in love with him! I have to have him!" An' I'll be all like "Fuck off all of you. Don't you know WHO I AM! I am JAMIE4U! I only shag closeted footballers and people who used to be in boybands. So get over it!"

You so know its gonna happen.

Jamie International!

2005-04-21T15:40:00.000-07:00

What a MAD couple of days! I've been out of my head on drugs for the past 48 hours so can only remember like the highlights of Amsterdam. SPent all night dancing at this fab gay club which had a dark room. I've never been in one of those before - but it was fabulous and I must have had about 30 guys (bit of a quiet night for me that!) Didn't get back to the hotel until 7 in the morning and Brian was a bit pissed off. "I came here to sample the culture" he was all sniffy. "I want to go to Anne Franks house." So I was like "Who the fucks ANne Frank when she's at home." Luckily Miss Thang explained: "SHe was this French pop star in the 1930s. She made the first ever pop video. She was the Kylie of her time."

So we ended up going to this ANne Franks house, but it was so boring. Just a house. Youd have thunk they'd have had some of her pop videos and stuff. SO I asked one of the people who worked there, "Can I listen to some of her hits?" but they just looked at me like in shock- well it's not my fault I dont speak French!!!

Afterwards we all had some more drugs and then went to the red light district. Miss Thang got into a fight with some prostitutes cos she was stealing their trade. So we escaped into a sex show. It was dead funny - this woman came and rubbed her minge in Brian's face. He just had to sit there and let her cos it was rude not to. Then these two really hot gay twins came out and stripped and they picked me to go up on stage with them and basically, you can imagine what happened, I had a great time and Brian's eyes were out on stalks. Afterwards, I was just cleaning my face off and Debbie said "I want you to be my baby's god-father. You're so cool!" So I was like "Yeah, whatever bitch!" Just so long as I dont have to buy him stuff. But I'm secretly pleased and have decided that I will try to help her baby to be as cool as me (and not as fat, as let's face it, his Mother is Debbie so he's bound to be a bit of a porker!)

Amsterdamned

2005-04-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

I am writing this from an internet cafe in AMSTERDAMN! Can you beelive it? Neither can I!!! Well, after Debbie had her baby surprise, everyone decided that we need a holiday so Easyjet were offering these cheap flights. This is my first time in France and I must say it is great - the French are amazing and Amsterdamn is a wonderful city! Everyone here is gay and on drugs all the time! It's like heaven!

We had a bit of trouble at Liverpool airport. I had three suitcases full of clothes (well we are going to be there for 2 days so I'll need lots of costume changes) and at check-in they were like "Your over you're limit." and so Brian had to pay the excess. There was also a bit of a problem because Miss Thang shouted "Look out everyone, that man has a bomb up his anus!" and pointed at Brian, so they both got hauled off for four hours and we had to get a later plane. I was so pissed off.

Anyway, never mind, we're hear and its great. We're all going to go to the red light district tonight. I'm supposed to send Keith a text message to say we got here OK (he's looking after Debbie's baby - well someone had to stay behind and Debbie DESERVES a holiday!) but I dont have time. Oh well. See yous all later beetches!

Jamie4U 1 Janeway 0

2005-04-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

Hi Beetchen, so I have like moved into Brian's flat. I didnt like any of Brians stuff so Ive had it thrown out and we went to MFI and he bought a load of new things instead, beds and shit. To sellebrate I decided to throw a huge party and invite all my freinds round: Debbie, Keith, Barbara, Miss Thang and her drag queen possey. Brian was a bit nervous "do you think I should lock away my Jesus Christ Superstar memoriliba and lifesize cut-out of Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek Voyager?" BUt I was like "Oh fuck off, Im too busy putting in highlights to care."

The party was fab anyhow. I was only supposed to invite like 10 people but word got round and there must of been 200 in Brians flat at the end. The drag queens all got on the kitchen table and sang a medley of Diana Ross songs - fabuloza! Sadly, the table broke and they fell off and one of them is now in traction. Ha ha ha!

Barbara brought all her drugs along "What letter of the alfabet do you want Jamie love?" she asked. "I've got E and K and LSD and XYZ." I had a bit of everything, just to be polite. I also had a bit of the lad who works in the butchers - cant remember his name. But we sneaked off into the bathroom and locked ourselves in for our "wedding night". God - what a six pack!

ANyway, the climax came at the end of the night when Debbie suddenly pissed herself all over Brian's new carpet. "What's happening? What's happening?" she kept saying. "I feel funny, like something's moving inside me!" Then she fell in her own piss and started screaming. All the drag queens joined in the drama and started screaming "It's an alien! She has an alien in her!!! Where's Sigorney Weever?" . And youll never guess!!!! 10 minutes later Debbie had had a baby!!!!!!! She's so fat anyway, she never even knew she was pregnant. What a drama. I had to go with her to the hospital and she was screaming "More drugs more drugs!" all the way.

When I got home the party was over and Brian was sitting crying in the middle of the sitting room, in Debbie's piss, trying to sellotape the lifesize Captain Kathryn Janeway back together. Poor Bitch. Both of them I mean.

The Haunting of Jamie4U

2005-04-15T02:09:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been so weerd I dont know how to begin to tell you.

After I was hounded out of Climax by EVERYONE(!) I went home, crying all the way. I decided to kill myself, like Keith so THEY'D all feel guilty too. But then I thought of a better idea. I would just pretend to take an overdose of parasetamol and that would have the same effect.

So I got home and wrote all these notes to people saying "Now Im dead and its your fault you beetches, youll never be as cool as me." And I took three parasetamol (I had to make it look beleevable and through the rest down the loo. Then I put on my fake tan and my best club outfit and lay down on the bed...

Anyway, then it all got really weerd and shit because I must have fallen asleep. Perhaps I did die! Who knows? It was all dark and I heard this voice saying "Jamie" Jamie!" Then the door of my bedroom opened and this figure came in but it was too dark for me to see and for some reason I couldn't move. There was this bright light then in my eyes and then I saw who it was. It was Keith! Shit! Barbara had been right all along! He was coming back to haunt me.

"Go back to the garden centre" I said. "You were happy there. Haunt the garden centre instead." But he just kind of floated towards me. Then I passed out.

When I woke up it was daylight and I realised I had been asleep for two days. I got up and went downstairs for breakfast (Cocopops and a packet of ciggies). I put the telly on and guess what? Keith was on the local news!!!! It turns out there was like a mix-up at the hospital - there was this 82 year old man also called Keith at the hospital who had died and they had buried him thinking it was the other Keith. Its all over the news and the conservatives want Keith to join there election campaign.

Anyway, my mobile had like 200 text messages on it from everyone and I am popular and Queen Beetch again. We all had a huge party at Climax to celebrate both me and Keith's failed suicide attempts. And guess what? Brian has asked me to move in to his flat. I cant decide what to do. He does have a nice flat with all this pine furniture (and its right above a KFC) but I dont know if I love him. Or even like him. Oh my life is such a soap opear right now.

No-one has ever DARED treat me like this.

2005-04-13T02:08:00.000-07:00

So I had arranged to meet everyone last night in Climax our fablous local gay club, but nobody was answering my text mssages - must be a fault with the phone or something, so I turned up anyway, and everyone was sitting by the bar: Debbie, Brian, Miss Thang and Barbara. I was all like "hi beetches!" and shit but they all just gave me this funny look.

"Keith's dead!" Debbie said. "And you couldn't even be arsed to go to his funral you little shit!"

"It was mainly your fault he killed himself," said Brian. "And by the way, your dumped!" Then he did that thing with his mouth where it goes all small like an anus.

I was in shock! No-one has ever dared speak to me like that before. "Miss THang!" I said "Say something! Brian and Debbie are picking on me."

"I can see how you'd think I'd be your best bet," said Miss THang. "But for once I agree with Brian. You are a cunt Jamie. Even I was at Keith's funeral and I didn't even like him."

Then Barbara came out of one of her trances and said "I have been communicating with Keith from the other side and he is a restless soul wandering around the Garden Centre (it's where he was most happy) and he is a vengeful spirit and is going to enact an awful revenge on you Jamie."

Then everyone started chanting "Fuck off Jamie forever" and then the whole of Climax joined in so I ran out crying. ANd they were all laughing behind me but it wasn't ha-ha-April-fools laughing it was we-hate-you laughing. Fuck! What am I going to do now?

Acting is hard!

2005-04-11T03:05:00.000-07:00

Everyone was going to Keith's funeral today. I was thinking of going to it as I had a great new outfit from JJB Sports and as it had some black in it I thought it might go well - I'd also heard that the vicar might be gay, and he's someone I've not had yet. But anyway, I got watching this grate epsiode of Trisha so I ended up missing the whole thing. Oh well.

Anyway, who cares about Keith's boring suicide when there's my acting career to think about. Norman, my agent came round to take publicity photos. As the film is like syence fiction and I play a gay alien (a gaylien!!), I had made a constume for myself out of bin bags and tin foil. However, Norman seemed more interested in taking photos of me while I was changing clothes, rather than wearing them. He also left me a script. It's so difficult, I have so much to remember - I'll never be able to learn those four lines. One of them is "I am from the planet Zod. Our planet is dying and needs life essence of Earthmen so we can repopulate. Please take off your garments so I can examine you." After that there's just dot dot dot in the script. I asked Norman what dot dot dot means and he just smiled. It must be a special acting code or something. I'm sure I'll find out tomorrow when I go to this old warehouse that Norman is using to do the filming.

I am going to be famous

2005-04-07T03:27:00.000-07:00

Yes its true. Miss Thang (my fabulous drag queen best freind) texted me this morning to say "Do U wanna B in a movie beetch? Meet me outsd Argos at 10". So I got there and she had this greasy fat guy with her called Norman. "Norman's my agent," she said. "He's what gets me all my bookings at gay venues around the UK." Norman was really weerd - he never speaks, was just stairing at me all the time. He had all these food stains down his shirt as well. Guh-ross!

Anyway, Miss Thang explained that Norman is making a film. "Its gonna be dead artistic and stuff. Its called 'The Cocksucker's Guide to the Galaxy'
And he wants you to be in it. You'll be paid £100. Are you interested?"

Of course I am! Me! I'm going to be famous! My luck is really on the up-turn now. You'd beeter make the most of my little diary entries here cos soon I'll be too important and busy to bother with you lot. Filming starts next week.

I was going to phone Brian and tell him all about it but then I remembered that he's at the hospital, keeping a 24/7 vigil over Keith. Whatever!

The bitch is back in town!

2005-04-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

You are all going to be so proud of me. I decided to have a carefrontation with Brian about why he has decided to dump me and go out withe Keith instead. So I put some extra blonde streaks in my hair and wore a black see-through mesh vest and my shorts with all the rips in the crotch and then I went round his flat.

"I want to know what Keith has that I haven;t?" I asked him. He then started on with some stupid answer like "Keith cares for me and you treat me like rubbish all the time."

"Just because I ignore you all the time and diss you to everyone, it don't mean I don't like having you around." I told him - which is about the closest I have ever got to like saying "I love you!"

Anyway, just to show him what he was missing, I pretended to drop my mobile phone (I was texting Debbie while we were talking) and then had to bend over to pick it up. And I made sure I wiggled my bum. That did the trick and Brian was soon on the floor, begging me to take him back. Victory!

So I was like, "OK, I'll have you back but you have to phone Keith now and tell him he's dumped. And you find him sexually repulsive." Of course, he did what I told him. Ha! That'll learn Keith!

Afterwards, I made Brian take me down the town centre to buy me loads of clothes from Top Man and jewllrey from H Samyel. Although, after about an hour I was getting bored of being around him, so I managed to lose him in the Arndale Center.

I've like gained so much in the past few days. Not only all the stuff Brian's bought me. But I feel like I've really grown up and faced my fears and all that. That don't mean I'm going to get all boring and shit on you all, but I do feel like I've taken my relationship with Brian to the next level and stuff.

The Jamie4U Fanta Diet

2005-04-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

Well, the best way of getting over a broken heart is to do a good deed for others. So I am going to finally answer the dozens of emails from all my fat fans who keep writing to ask how an 18 year old like me maintains such a slim, 26 inch waist figure. Here is the Jamie4U Diet Plan:

Breakfast
A cup of black coffee (cos the milks gone off and 3 ciggies). I normally don't bother with breakfast though.

DinnerTime
A Mars Bar and a bag of Pickled Onion Flava Monster Munch. Or Bag of chips. Fanta.

Tea
Findus Crispy Pancakes and chips (With four slices of Homepride white bread) or McDonalds Happy Meal or three bags of crisps. King Size Mars Bar or Buttersctoch flava Angel Delight for a sweet. Can of coke.

Supper
Bowl of Coco Pops.

I'm sure that if you maintain this diet then you too will look as good as me forever.

The Dreams in Which I'm Dieing

2005-04-03T01:14:00.000-08:00

Well since my tragic relationship break-up all my REAL freinds have rallyed round me. (Thankyou for all your emails and offers of sex. I promise that I will get round to all of you eventually.) Miss Thing said "I never liked Brian anyway, he was stuck-up and had an anus-mouth, here love, have an E." Debbie has offered to kill Brian and Keith for me by sitting on their faces until they sufocate. And Barbara invited me to her weerd house so that we could do a cleansing ritual. I had to take an item of clothing that Brian had given me (so I brought along some underwear) and then we turned off all the lights and lit candles and drew a pentanglagram on the floor with a purple felt tip pen and put the underwear in the middle and then we set fire to it and Barbara said "Spirits of NeverNever Land! Cleanse this Child! Make Everything OK Again. Oh and could you do something about my blocked pipes?"

Afterwards we had a cup of tea and Barbara put on some porn, but I was still feeling miserable and couldn't stop crying. "Life's so crap!" she said. "I know how to end the pain Jamie, let's do a suicide pact. We'll both kill ourselves right now and leave a note saying 'FUCK OFF EVERYONE'. I've been hoarding pills for years. Let's do it!" Then I got a bit frightened because I could tell like she really meant it. So I said "I have to go now." And then she got really embarrassed and was all "I was only joking" but we both knew she wasn't.

Anyway, I've been trying to drown out the pain of my life by going cottaging. I "set up shop" in these loos at the top of a car park in the town centre and just took on all-comers. Apparently word got round and there was a queue right the way down three flights of stairs. See Brian. Everyone fancies me. That'll teach you!

The worst day of my life

2005-04-02T12:40:00.000-08:00

So anyway, youre all probablys wondering what happened at Brian's birthday party the other night. We were all supposed to meet up at Pizza Hut for a meal and then go on to the fabulous local nightclub "Climax" after. Well that was the plan but I decided that my hair was a right mess so I needed to put blonde streaks in it and so I ended up being three hours late and missed the Pizza Hut thing. Then I had a bit of text sex with this guy on gaydar and stuff and so it wasn't until about midnight when I got to Climax (got to Climax - get it!!!! So hilarious)

I'd also decided to dump Brian after giving him his present, cos 30 is really too old for me and I don't do old. Except I forgot his stupid Harry Potter book so I was just going to say "Happy Birthday Beeyotch" and then like dump him when I got there.

But you'd never guess what. I got there and it took me ages to find him and Debbie and Miss Thing and Barbara were all like giggling in the corner and acting really stupid and drunk and they wouldn't say where Brian was. I guessed he might be in the loos as he has a weak bladder and needs to take a piss about once every 30 minutes. So I went in there and CUNT! He was snogging Keith!!!!!!!!!!!! My best freind kissing my boyfreind.

It turns out that their both in a relationship now and (I can't bring myself to say this) *I* have been dumped by a 30 year old. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! There is like, no worse disgrace. Anyway, I let out a scream that brought everyone running and then we had this big showdown - I attacked them both and was crying, and slipped on the wet floor and hurt my head, and then Debbie came in and thumped everyone and dragged everyone outside, and Miss Thing started screaming (I don't know why - probably cos no-one was giving her any attention) and Barbara pissed herself andwe all have been barred for 2 weeks.

Anyway, I have had a day to calm down and now I will have my revenge. I want you all to know that Keith has a photo of his own Dad wearing just swimming trunks and he keeps it with his gay porn stash. Gross or what. No wonder he's with a pensioner like Brian. And as for Brian - well, what can I say? He likes people to wee on him and wear frilly women's knickers.

I have plenty more to tell about both of them, but am far too upset to write any more tonight. All I can say is that I am like devasted and my life will never be the same again.

Only the echoes of my mind.

2005-03-30T13:16:00.000-08:00

Everyone's talking about me (here, here, here and here). But I don't hear a word they're saying....

Anyway, can you belive it's Brian's (my sometimes boyfriend when I can't get anything better) birthday today? And he's like 30! Old. Old. Old. I am seriously considering dumping him, what do you think? I'm having like one of my blonde dizzy days and can't make a decision today so will go with what the majority of people write in the comments box.

Keith (my other, boring freind who is in love with me) was all like "Oh Jamie we have to get Brian a birthday present." So I said "Look love, I don't buy presents, I have presents BOUGHT for me." But he offered to pay and stuff so I was all "OK then". And then we had to go to this place to get a present. I'm still feeling sick thinking about it. Disgusting. I never knew that places like that existed. It was this shop, right. And all it sold was books. BOOKS! I know, what an idea! I thought Keith was having me on at first, but such places do exist. So we went in and Keith bought a book called "Harry Potter Something or Other". But then I started to feel like I was going to throw up being surrounded by all these bloody books - the smell of them! And all these people looking at them! Like, who ARE they? Oh it was horrible. I'm never going back. I felt so ill I had to go to McDonalds afterwards to recover. And I was still shaking because I spilt a whole McFlurry all over Keith. Still, at least we had that Harry Potter thing to mop it up with so it wasn't completely useless. I don't think Brian will notice.

I am beautiful in every single way.

2005-03-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that Debbie is in a wheelchair and has most of her head in a plaster cast, she has discharged herself. You are porbably asking yourself "why?" Well I will tell you. Do you remember a while ago when my new best freind Barbara read my tarot and told me I was going to be famous? And you may aslo remember that me and Debbie had done a Karioke in Manchester the other week and everyone had been dead impressed. Well - guess what you'll never beleive it - there is a new series of Pop Idol and they are auditioning for it in Manchester. This one is to find the best duo. Well, the auditions were like TODAY so I had to bust Debbie out of hospital so we could get there in time. I know, I can't beleive it either. Fortunately we didn't need to practice our song because we both have like NATRUAL TALENT. We both had to rush to get into our costumes (matching white demin outfits). We also made up the name of our act which is "JADEB" (it's half my name and half Debbie's name).

Anyway, we had to cue at this hotel all day to get seen - and first we had to do a practice audition in front of these nobody tv researchers. We heard them tell someone that they only let the very best and the very worst through to the proper auditions in front of Simon Cowl and the other judges. I don't need to tell you that we were so good that we got through to the proper audition without even having to try. Those researchers could spot real talent when they heard it, and even though we like forgot half the lyrics and had to start again twice (Debbie was on morphine for the pain so you can't really blame her).

Anyway, after waiting like another three hours we finally got taken into the audition room and there was Simon Cowl and these two other people who I didn't know but they're supposed to be like famous or something. Whatever! So we did our song (Beautiful by Christina Agwilaria). I could tell that we were making a huge impact on the three judges because they were all sitting there with this faraway expression on there faces. Debbie had brought along her maracas as well, and I did some of my famous break-dancing halfway through. I could tell that I touched and moved everybody in the room because one of the judges was actually CRYING when we finished and the other judge had to leave the room halfway through because we were so good.

Anyway, we finished and waited to hear Simon Cowl say the words "you're through to the next round." But there was a very long silence and then Simon said "OK. How did you think you did?" I thought I had better be a bit modest so I said "We haven't had much time to practice but I think we'll make great tv." They all nodded their heads at this and Simon said "Yes, you'd be amazing on tv. Unfortunately we can't let you through to the next round."

Debbie then started to get a bit angry as her pills were wearing off, so she rolled up her sleeves and started to push her wheelchair towards the judges table, saying "You fucking cunt, I'm gonna fuckalise you!" Simon leapt up and shouted "get this lunatic out of here!" and then these security guards jumped on us and dragged us out.

I am like so disappointed because I was really good and if it hand't been for Debbie I'm sure we would have got through. We had a huge fight in the streets outside and I got so mad that I turned off the brakes of her wheelchair and pushed it down the hill shouting "fuck off you bitch!" Then I got the train home.

When I got back I talked it all over with Brian and he says they'll probably show us on the actual tv show when it airs and I'm sure that a talent scout will spot us and snap us up straight away. Brian said I should get in touch with Debbie so I said I would to see if she's ready to apologise so I sent her a text message but she hasn't replied. Oh well.

This is why my life is more exiting than yours

2005-03-27T01:37:00.000-08:00

hat a great night. You know what, I wasn't really looking forward to it as I have this awful sore throat and bad cold coming on and I was sneezing everywhere in the car and had to gargle with some of Barbara's whiskey from her mini-bar in the glove compartment (she had some too just to be on the safe side and to calm her nerves as she gets a bit stressed out when she has to drive). Anyway, the clubs in Blackpool were great and I snogged 16 cute guys. Brian (my on-off boyfriend) was like dead jealous and kept spoiling it by banging on the cubicle door saying "Jamie Jamie are you in there? Come out!" Hilarious or what?

There was this right ugly minger who Keith fancied but he's always like too shy to do anything about it, so I thought I would be a good freind and so I went up to the minger and said "Hey beyotch! See that lad over there - the one with the skin problems and anorak - he wants to shag ya! So What ya gonna do about it then?" The minger was about to go over and talk to Keith, but then I thought I'd better be totally honest with him about Keith as there's no point in getting Keith's hopes up so I said "Oh, by the way - he's only got a 1 inch dick and I think he might have an SDT." So the minger changed his mind and Keith had to get chips on his own again.

I don't know what happened to everyone else, because before I knew it, it was like 4 in the morning and I woke up lying face down on the floor of the toilets in this club that I don't remember going into. I never did find my underwear.

Anyway, it turns out I had such a lucky escape because you'll never beleive it but Barbara had a horrible car accident on the way back from Blackpool. She escaped unharmed (she'd drunk so much that she was numb to pain), but Brian, Keith and Debbie have all been rushed to intensive care. Can you beleive it? It could of been me! I could of died in that accident! I can't beleive it. I have been running round all morning telling everyone I know - I also had a scene in the hospital when I tried to see them and they wouldn't let me.

In the end, I got to see them - I think Debbie will be OK - her fat cushioned her from most of the impact (the doctors said it was better than an airbag), and although she won't be able to eat solids for three weeks, she'll be able to live off all her fat. So been morbidly obese has actually SAVED her life TWICE! Brian and Keith, it turns out, only got cuts and bruises. I was dead disappointed when I found out - I was all ready to cry and was picking out my funeral clothes from Topman and had a speech ready and stuff and then they're OK. Typical. Still, I bet you are all jealous as anything reading this because now you know how exiting my life is and how boring yours is in comparison.

Barbara Bargain Boozed

2005-03-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

I have a NEW FREIND. I met her because she was in the queue in front of me in Bargain Booze. I was getting lottery tickets, ciggies and 10 giant Easter eggs for Debbie when this woman with huge round glasses and big brown and grey frizzy hair and these weird 1970s clothes in queue in front of me suddenly made a run for the door, and the barriers went up and all the alarms went off. She was trying to steal three bottles of vodka. Anyway, the shop keeper phoned the police, but then this woman started screaming "I'm not going back to prison! I'm not going back to prison" and she started turning purple and fell on the ground. The shop keeper went in the back to get his first aid kit, and the woman jumped up as quick as she could, broke threw the barriers and ran away. I noticed she'd left one of the bottles of vodka behind so I chased after her, "forgetting" to pay for my stuff as well luckily.

Anyway, her name is Barbara and she is a 53 year old lesbian incontinent alcoholic. she had an old car parked round the corner and offered me a lift home, so I said yes. I soon regretted it though because she is like the worst driver in the world (even worse than Debbie who has failed her test 18 times and is in the Guiness Book of World Records). We had only been driving for 2 minutes and she crashed into another car, got into a fight with two other drivers and fell over. Anyway, she was in such a state that we ended up having to leave her car in the middle of the roundabout and getting a taxi to her house.

She lives in this really weerd stinky house with four floors and about thirty cats. All of the walls are painted like red and purple and black and silver and everything smells of dope. She made me a herbal tea (have you ever had one of those before - it's like hot water that tastes of bubble gum) and then said she is a siycick and would do my tarot and horoscope. Anyway, it was dead good and she said "Jamie! You're going to be famous! I can see you on the telly with Ant and Dec!" Anyway, we are now like best freinds and everything and she's coming out with me and Debbie and Brian and Keith tonight to Blackpool. She's offered to drive us, which is good. "I've even got a minibar in my glove compartment" she told me. It's going to be great.

My coming out story.

2005-03-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

My coming out story.

I have been "out" for a whole year today. God it seems like forever. Anyway, this is my coming out story. I hope you like it, I feel we know each other well enough now for me to reveal it.

It was like a Wednesday or something and me and all these girls on my hairdressing course had gone to McDonalds because it was one of there birthdays. Anyway, one of them, Kerry, had this boyfriend Craig, who was really good-looking - he was wearing ripped jeans and had black hair and a suntan and he went to the gym so he had massive muscles. And normally i am like dead loud and the centre of everything, but I couldn't stop stairing at him because he was gorgious. Anyway, he went to the loos and I had to go at the same time, so we were standing at the urinals and I was trying to lean over to see his dick and he said "what are you like gay or something?" and I said "yes", so we ended up having sex in the toilet for 2 hours and his girlfreidn Kerry ended up coming into the men's toilets because she was worried about what had happeend to us, and she caught us and freaked out and ran outside and told everyone. Then she took an overdose and nearly died. Then me and Craig were like boyfriends for a whole week, but then I got bored of him and dumped him because he was too clingy and I needed like SPACE and FREEDOM to BE MYSELF.

Anyway, it is a great story and I hope that now you have read it you will be inspired to "come out" too.

I (almost) heart Alistair Appleton

2005-03-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

Have you seen Alistair Appleton on various tv shows like Cash in the Attic and House Doctor? Guess what it turns out he is gay. He's actually like totally out of my age range (born in 1970 so that makes him like 47), but he's what Debbie calls a "silver fox". I think that means he might be old but he's looked after himself. Anyway, I've discovered his blog - it's not as good as mine - I don't think he's very good at spelling or anything. I was expecting it to be really good cos he's on tv and should live a glamrous life and everything, but instead he just goes on about Buddishm, boring German films and stuff. YOu'd think that cos he goes on holiday to cities like Rio and Germany that he'd be livin' it large on the worldwide gay scene, but instead it's all this history and arkitecture stuff. Big yawns!

Still, he is reasonably hot so I left a message in his guestbook:

Hi Alistair, your a bit old for me (my age range is like between 18-19) and you're hair is now too grey, but my freind Debbie says youre a "silver fox" so I'd probably let you shag me once or twice just so's I could get a job as a tv presenter. What about it? I'm a dead good shag as most of the gay men in the northwest region can testify, dont worry about that sore on my bum Im sure it'll cleer up soon. Kisses and seeya! Jamie4U. PS CHeck out my web log its much more interesting than yours!

I've checked my email and he's not replied so he obvbiously mustnt be checking his guestbook regularly. He'd better hurry up though - I bore easily.

Debbie is woman, hear her roar.

2005-03-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

At the weekend me and Debbie and Brian and keith went to Manchester for a day out shopping. I love Manchester and my ambition in life is to move there. Or Salford. It's got such a grate gay scene - called Canal Street. You may of seen it on that tv programme, Queer As Folk, which like totally CHANGED MY LIFE! Everyone says that I look just like the young guy in it, the school-boy (except I have dark hair and am thinner and better looking). Anyway, we went on Canal Street where it is all happening. It's like a Gay Disneyland. I can't tell you how many guys were staring and cruizing me but needless to say, I got so many hot boyz giving me there mobile phone numbers that my mobile ran out of memory to store them all, and I had to end up writing them on Debbie's hand.

Anyway, we went into these pubs - which were a bit posh by our standards (well it is Manchester so they have to cater for the yuppies), there was a karoake night on, so me and Debbie got up and did our medley from Steps - with all the hand actions and everything. I can tell that all the locals were dead impressed and had not seen anything as good as it before because they were all standing there with their mouths hanging open and they forgot to clap, they were so taken aback by our great performance.

Anyway, soon afterwards, Debbie decided that she'd pull a fella, so we looked round for someone who looked straight or at least bi. Finally she found one that she liked the looks of, so I cornered him and said "My mate wants to shag you, how about it then?" He looked a bit scared and said "Who is he?" I realised that he was gay after all (Debbie's gaydar is sooooo rubbish!) so I had to think fast and told him that Debbie was actually a famous drag queen from London who was up here doing a tv programme for Channel 4. "She's not as fat as she looks - it's mostly padding." Anyway, he looked like he was falling for it, so agreed to let Debbie buy him a drink. I left them do it as I had other business to attend to in the loos.

When I came out 30 minutes later, I found Debbie sitting on her own, looking miserable. "I've been dumped!" she cried. "It was just as well, he was so weird. He kept asking me what my tits were made of." I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth that he thought she was a man in drag. Still, I helped her get over it - we picked on some random students on the way back to the car and Debbie threw her coke all over them and called them all cunts. So it all worked out for the best.

Incidentally, check out this site called SPanishstud. Here's a picture from it.

I was going to email them both, but they look a bit posh and intellectual so I don't think I'll bother.

Allsorts going on at work

2005-03-04T05:45:00.000-08:00

I keep getting emails and shit from like EVERYONE saying why haven't I updated. Well, like the Pope, I'm not well. Remember my new boss Simon at work who made me work in the wearhouse all the time on my own. Well it was just a plot because he wanted to get me alone so he could shag me. I should of seen it coming - everybody fancies me. Anyway, I went along with it at first, although he's way out of my age range (he's 25 which is about 5 years older than I normally go with), he is quite powerful at work and looks good in his manager's suit, which he says he gets from somewhere called "Next". Funny name for a shop that. Wonder why I've never heard of it before?

Anyway, we were like having sex behind some boxes of sanitary pads in the warehouse every day for a week. It's so wierd doing it with older men. They take ages to finish themselves off (about three minutes). He also has a couple of grey hairs. Urrrgh! Gross or what. It's like being with my grand-dad or summat. And what's with all that fat round his stomach? Is that what I have coming to me? He must have at least a 32 inch waist. So, to be honest, I was getting a bit tired of it all. I mean a week is practically a long term relationship. And he's quite boring really. All he could talk about was going to "Ikea" with his wife. I have no idea what or where Ikea is. Can anyone explain? It's like he's from a different planet to me or something.

Anyway, I was on the verge of dumping him, when there was some excitement. First of all - his wife came into the supermarket and slapped Debbie across the face FOR NO REASON AT ALL. Or so we thought. It turned out that he'd given his wife sphyllis and then had to confess that he'd been having an affair at work. But rather than say it was with me, he said it was Debbie's fault. I can tell you, I was like SO GLAD that there are so many gay men still living frightened and miserable lives in the closet - if it wasn't for that fact I'd be scared to walk the streets as half the married women round here would want to kill me!

Anyway, you don't mess with Debbie (even when she HAS been having an affair with your husband), she's a big girl. So she thumped the wife and knocked her flat on her face. And then she sat on the wife's face until she was practically suffocated. They had to take her away in an ambulance. Then Debbie had one of her fake panic attacks and so she had to go in another ambulance.

They had to have an inquiry or something from Head Office and it all came out, and Simon got the sack for "abusing his position". Debbie and me both got a £50 gift voucher each to not go to the papers. So it all worked out grate for us both. Debbie has eaten most of her money (chocolate and McDonalds). And I have stocked up on my supply of E, so we're both happy.

On a completely unrelated topic though, I've been feeling really unwell lately. I had a big sore on my cock for a few days, then it went away. Now I have this weird skin rash. Never mind, I'm sure it'll clear up soon.

Random thoughts and shit

2005-01-24T09:54:00.000-08:00

Have you seen the Boys of Manchester University calender? I can't be certain, but I think I've had three of them (not at the same time though - what sort of slaper do you think I am?) They're all a bit fat and minging really though - sigh - I always end up compromising my standards.

I can't believe that Celebrity Big Brother is over. Like, what am I expected to watch on tv now? I've spent over £50 in texting in phone votes. I think it was me who single-handedly got Jeremy Edwards voted out. Anyway, Debbie and Keith both think I should apply to go on Big Brother this year - "You'll walk the auditions Jamie" said Debbie. I think I will probably apply - after all, they've never had a cute, straight-acting gay man on before who can be like a role model for everyone.

I am totally hating work at the moment, this new boss Simon has started and he's like totally homophobic and everything. He says that me and Debbie talk too much (to be fair, Debbie is a lazy bitch sometimes), and he's separated us. I have to work in the warehouse all the time now. It's really miserable and lonely in there. And as there is no natural light at all I'll probably get rickets or soemthing. I wonder if I can sue them?

Don't go and see Team America

2005-01-22T13:50:00.000-08:00

me and Debbie and Keith and Brian and Miss Thing and Miss Lulu and Miss Smelly Discharge decided to go to the pictures last night as we were so bored of going to Climax 2000. I never bother seeing what's on in advance (people who read reviews of films and spend ages deciding what to see are total control-freak bores and probably spend 110% of their lives washing down their kitchen worktops or something). So anyway, we just turned up at the multiplecks. There was this cartoon called "Team America" that Brian wanted to see - "It's really good Jamie! Dead funny!" So we ended up going to see it (although the drag queens somehow got lost taking Kristal, Tina and Mary-Jane in the ladies loos so we didn't see them again).

The film started off good, but I soon got a bit bored - it was like supposed to be funny or something, but it turned out that it was about France and politics and stuff - all that does my head in. Who cares? So after ten minutes I sneaked out to the men's loos. There was these two chavs in there, so I started at them and they stared back and said "what are you fucking looking at?" so I said "fancy a blow job lads?" Anyway, I had a much better time than anyone else (except maybe the drag queens who were totally out of it). I think Brian was a bit pissed off at me because he didn't say anything to me in the car on the way home. And Debbie was kind of in a sugar trance because she'd had one of those giant £5.99 packets of M&Ms to herself.

When we got home, I got out of the car and Brian said "Goodbye Jamie. Forever. And by the way, you've got cum all down the front of your jacket." Then he drove off.

Twenty minutes later he sent me a text message, but I think I must have deleted it by pressing the wrong button. Oh well.

Some culture in the town centre

2005-01-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

So anyway, me and Miss Thang were down the town centre at the weekend, and we went into this posh place called Cafe Neros. Miss Thang was wearing "full drag" (which means she was fully clothed in women's clothing - outrageous!!!) and all of these boring straight couples were staring and poiting and whispering about her behind her back. So she whirled round at them and gave them all a gobful of abuse "What the fuck're ya all looking at, ya fat cunts!" They didn't know what to say, so they just kind of sat there looking shocked. "Well fuck off then!" Miss Thang said again, and threw a biscotti at them (which is apparently an Italian biscuit (god I am like so cultured these days) - but I'd rather have a Jaffa cake anyday).

Later on Miss Thang told me that the worst insult you can call a woman is a fat cunt: "Because all women hate being called fat, they all secretly think they are and if you tell them they are to their faces in public it will instantly make them bulimic and they might actually DIE. So you must be very careful about using such a powerful word on them. Also the "c" word is the worst thing you can say to them. I know what I'm talking about Jamie, I have INSITE into women's brains because I'm a drag queen." I asked her what was the worst insult you could call a man and she said "Cocksucking fairy!" She's like so wise. But I must say, she's not very good at putting make-up on, she'd smeared lipstick all over her face - it was practically on her eyebrows.

I've had so many emails lately and proposals (hi to Matt who I shagged at the weekend - by the way, you need to shave it more down there...) Anyway, keep the addresses of other similar blogs to mine that I might like coming.

Miss Thang is no freind of mine!

2005-01-13T13:57:00.000-08:00

I HATE Miss Thang. She is such a bitch and her friends are all evil cunts and users. I'm never going to talk to any of them again. To cut a long story short, Miss Vaginal Discharge put LSD in my 20/20 "for a laugh" - yeah hilarious. And while I was sleeping off the hallucinations, they set fire to my hair so now I have a huge bald patch. And then they stole my mobile phone and all my money and cash cards (which I've had to cancel as they've been using them in Netto and Woolworths). Worse still, they left a note in my pocket saying "By the way Jamie love, you might want to get tested for syphillis now, as you've probably caught it off one of us."

I was furious and would have trashed Miss Thang's flat but it is so dirty and disgusting that I don't think she would have noticed. In fact, even if I had set fire to it and smeared shit everywhere, it would have been an improvement.

So anyways, I'm telling everyone I know - and if you see them, just watch out. They're all total dogs. My friends Debbie and Keith have been really sympathetic. Debbie shop-lifted one of those giant Cadbury's bars of chocolate (by hiding it down her knickers) and we scoffed it and watched Celebrity Big Brother. And all I have to say is that Jackie Stallone looks younger and more attractive and normal than Miss Thang and her friends.
Keith has developed a bit crush on Jeremy Edwards and keeps having these dreams about him. Typical of Keith. Jeremy Edwards might have been good-looking like 15 years ago or something, but now he's so old he could be my grand-dad. His face is so full of lines and he's PRACTICALLY BALD - his hairline starts halfway to the back of his face. He must be at least 45.

Anyway, to help me get over my awful ordeal of the last few days, Debbie and Keith and me are going to go to Blackpool this weekend to have a laugh and get shags. We've booked into this gay hotel where there are no locks on the doors. I can't wait. It'll be such a scream!

Living with Miss Thang

2005-01-11T13:23:00.000-08:00

I have been hanging out at Miss Thang's flat all week, with her and her drag queen friends. They have like adopted me as their mascot. They're great, all they do is beyotch about people, watch gay porn, take drugs, talk about Coronation Street, do each other's make-up and make pots of tea. It's like my fantasy world! All I have to do to make them like me is let one of them give me a blow-job in the bathroom every few hours or so. They keep fighting about who's turn it is next.

Anyway, Keith sent me a txt message and Miss Thang and her friends all thought it would be hilarious to play a joke on him, so I texted Keith to meet me in McDonalds drive-in carpark (that we can see from Miss Thang's bedroom window). He turned up and was waiting for ages in the rain. It was so hilarious - we were all watching him the whole time and making bitchy comments about his (lack of fashion). After about half an hour he looked up at the window and saw us all laughing at him. He's since sent me a text message saying that he hates me and doesn't want to be my friend any more, but as Miss Thang says, "the more you hate someone, the more you love them."

I have been itchy all morning - one of Miss Thang's friends, Miss Lulu, has this manky old cat called "Huge Pussy" and I think it has fleas. I have a few bites on my legs.

What do I look like?

2005-01-10T04:27:00.000-08:00

I have had loads of emails since yesterday asking what I look like (some of them from dirty old men in their late 20s who have been asking to see naked pictures - well fuck off! Jamie4U don't do that - unless you send lots of money. Only kidding (or am I?)

Anyway, I don't have any photos of me at the moment, but everybody says I look like Kenzie from Blazin' Squad:

Except that he's like, really fat, so you should imagine that I'm much slimmer than him. Also, I have blonde streaks in my hair and generally am better at applying fake tan than he is. So now you know, beyotches!

Last night at Climax was great. There was this new act onstage, a fabulous drag queen called Miss Thing. She was hilarious, really foul-mouthed - she called Brian an ugly twat. And she got me up on stage at one point and made me get my cock out. Everyone was wetting themselves laughing. After the act, she came and sat with us for ages and told us about her amazing life. She's just back from holiday, where that sunami wrecked all those beaches. "You wouldn't believe it Jamie," she told me. "I'd only set foot inside the brothel when this huge tidal wave came crashing through the window. I had to climb aboard a floating mattress which still had a naked underaged Thai boy tied to it, in order to escape the water. I tell you Jamie, from now on I'm only going to be a sex tourist in South America!" She's hilarious isn't she. More later doods!

Hello World

2005-01-09T11:27:00.000-08:00

OK, so like, everyone I know is always saying to me, "Jamie, you're life is so amazing, you should really write a book about all the experiences you've had," And ya know what, they're right. I should really be charging you £6.99 or something to even read my words of wisdom, but because I'm such a giver, you can have it all for nothing.

I'm hoping though, that someone will read this and realise how great I am, and fall in love with me - because I do have a lot to offer, and I don't think there's anyone left in a 60 mile radius who I haven't had sex with (and most of them were right mingers and slags). So maybe the internet will help me find someone who I can have a wonderful long-term relationship with (I am hoping to beat my current record of 5 weeks).

First, a bit about myself. My name is Jamie, but you can call me Jamie4U. I am 19 (God I'm so old - I feel like killing myself) and I am GAY, OUT and PROUD. So don't come with your homophobia with me because Jamie4U is like a gay safe space OK? I am just a normal, down-to-earth guy, whos looking for something similar (if you're over 21, have more than a 30 inch waist then I'm not interested - you can FUCK OFF OK!!! Sorry but I get loads of ugly mingers emailing me). I'm straight-acting - I'm sorry but I can't stand queeny, camp guys - they're just not my cup of tea. My many hobbies include karoake (I do a great Madonna routine), Christina Agilariea (I maintain the best fan website on Christina on the whole internet), being popular (everyone wants to be my best friend - keep reading and you will too). I also cut my own hair (every day), and have a complicated beauty regime, which takes up a lot of my spare time.

I currently work in Asda, doing a variety of jobs there (stacking shelves, doing the tills when they are busy), but it is only for the time being and I am just killing time until I am spotted by a talent scout and whisked off to somewhere exciting like Manchester to be a top model, pop star or tv presenter. Everyone I know says that will happen (and my horoscope says it too - I am a Gemini by the way - although I'm not two-faced).

My best friend in the whole world is called Debbie. She's currently on a diet (getting over Christmas - she gained like 3 stone - poor bitch). She also works at Asda and we have a right laugh together. I think she fancied me at first, but now she knows I am gay she is kewl with it, and we tell each other everything about sex. Well, I tell her what I get up to (she doesn't get many fellas unfortunately - so I show her my cock once a month so she won't forget what one looks like). My other friend is called Keith - he's a bit boring really (he won't mind me saying this - hi Keith!) and just trails along everywhere after me. I just put up with him because he has a car and can take me on nights out to Preston and Blackpool.

I also have a "boyfriend" called Brian. I say "boyfriend" because he's not really my boyfriend, but more someone who I let have sex with every now and again, and he's always buying me presents and stuff. He's like 30, or something - old enough to be my grand-dad, he's practically bald for god sake! Anyway, he's the only person I know who has his own flat (it overlooks B&Q's car park, you can't miss it). I keep dumping him, but then he always gets round me by taking me on holiday etc. Still, if something better were to come along... you never know unless ya ask me.

Anyway, I'm exhausted after dictating all of this to Keith to type in, and I'm off down our great local gay pub "Climax" in a minute, so I'll keep you posted. Seeya!