Monday, August 17, 2009

Jamie4U was created by man. He evolved. He rebelled. And he has a (tan) plan

I have literally been stopping traffick with my outrageous fake tan! On local tv last night the last item was about how a bus driver saw me walking down the street and ran over a granny cos he was so surprised at how cool I looked. Even the police have been round to see me about it, and I've been told that I'm "causing a distraction" and have to wash off my tan!!!

It is typical that I try and raise the tone of this crap little town and this is the thanx I am payed. It is like living in Iranistan or something living here. I am like totally being made a victim because I love fashion. I'm like a Fashion Victim or something.

Anyway, I'm not going to change. I am going to spread the word of Tan whereever I go. Me and Debbie and Miss Thang have formed our own politikal group. We are called the Orange Panthers and this is our mission:

  • To make everyone orange
  • To make paleness like illegal
  • To have Jodie Marsh made queen of England

    I have got some of my fake tan from Russia in a spray. This morning I went round Kwicsave and Iceland with it and sprayed all the pensioners with it when they weren't looking. None of them thanked me - they're like so ungrateful even though I am like spending MY OWN MONEY on them in the sake of fashion. One of them turned her head too quick and I got her right in the eyes with the tan. She was like "Oh Oh I'm being mugged. I can't see!!" So I decided to get the hell right out of there. I even lost my spray tan can in the exsitement. Damn!! But as Miss Thang said later "Jamie, we all must suffer for our politics. If we can just make one pensioner orange then we will have got our message out there."

    Anyway, all this is a secret obviously, so don't tell anyone. Oh and get some fake tan on now you bitches!!


  • Sunday, August 16, 2009

    I am totally tantastic!!!

    I have spent all day applieing this special fake tan stuff that I got on the internet from Russia. As my skin tone is quite dark, I have to buy products that are designed for black people. There were some instructions about washing it off after 10 minutes as it can cause "skin melting" and "cancer" but I just leave it on because I want to have the darkest tan there is. It's great because it actually burns away the top layers of your skin so you have this purple skin exposed underneath, then it actually tans the purple skin, making it the colour of tree bark. You just can't let anyone touch you afterwards.

    I look fucking gorgeous when I've had it done, so I decided to take myself off into town to show off my new tan. Everyone I walked past was staring - obviously they were all dead jealous. Someone shouted "Get back to Pakistan!" at me so I just said "Fuck off, you are homophobick!!" and went on my way. OBviously some people have no fashion sense!

    Anyway, Keith has been sending me like 10 texts a minute to say meet him in the bus station cafe, and I was planning on doing some cottaging in there anyways, I decided to look in and put him out of his misery. He was sharing a flapjack with his new boyfreind Evan. Evan was wearing this tight t-shirt which showed off his massive arms and pecs. He's such a show-off and so needy for attention all the time. Honestly, it's patheitic. "Jamie, we can't decide what to wear for our civil partnership," bleated Keith. "I was thinking we should both wear white suits but Evan was thinking of being bold and having us both dressed in just jockstraps with angel wings."

    So I said: "I don't really care what you go as. Civil partneships are so last year anyways. They never last. And in anycase, it doesn't matter what Keith wears, the camera flash will bounce of his shiny face so no-one will see anything anyway."

    Keith gave a little scream and ran off to the loos to look at his face, so I was left with Evan. He like totally started flirting with me. He just sat there, texting and not looking at me. I could tell he was despearate for me to rip off his t-shirt. So I just like ignored him back. But after 10 seconds I got bored, and anyway, Keith was coming back, so I said quickly "So Evan, how about you come back to my flat. After been in prison I can take a whole fist." Evan said "Urrrgh, you're a vile common little queen. Fuck off!" But I could tell he was only saying that cos Keith had come back at that moment. So I got up, and ran my fingers across his face seductively (it would of been even sexier if some of my skin hadn't flaked off at that point) and said "You'll be following me out of here in ten minutes..."

    I waited outside the cafe for a bit, but obviously Keith must have pulled one of her big queeny tantrums. She's so possessive and jealous.


    Wednesday, August 12, 2009

    On the inside the sun don't shine

    Ohmygod, finally! I guess you've all been wondering where I was for the last 2 years. Well, all I can say is that I was totally innosent and John Barrowman and all those other cellebrities who said I was stalking them were all telling lies - it was clearly a conspiracy and they felt threatened by me. Anyway, I'm on the outside now and my parole officer says I have to behave. I've even got a job at the new TK Max what's opened in the town centre. Debbie got me it, she's there too.

    Brian has waited for me while I was in prison. He visited me every day and brought me like loads of care packages with cds, celebmagazines, fake tan, body glitter, hair bleach and kitkats. I don't want to sound ungrateful but often he'd get me the wrong shade of fake tan - like, I'd make it clear I wanted burnt umber, but he'd get me heavy sienna and stuff like that. I had to teach him a lesson and refused to see him for 2 weeks so he made the daily 50 mile trip for nothing. He just didn't understand what it was like to be in prison. It wasn't all daytime tv and giving skinheads handjobs (though that involved most of it). Still, he knows how I have suffered (he even went on hunger strike for me), and we are going to have a fresh start.

    We went down to Climax 2000 last night - the hip and happening LGB club in town. Miss Thang, my fab drag-queen DJ freind was so pleased to see me. "Sorry I couldn't visit you Jamie!" she said, "As you know, I don't do public transport, but I sent you happy thoughts almost every day." It looks as if life hasn't been treating her too well. She's lost three teeth and shakes quite a lot now. "I'm on that Demonoral stuff what killed Michael Jackson," she told me. "It's dead nice, but the comedown's a bitch."

    My fugly and boring freind Keith introduced me to his new boyfriend Evan. Evan works for the NHS "He's on 16 and a half thousand a year," Keith bragged. He's also does tryathalons and is dead butch. "Show Jamie your six pack!" said Keith. Evan pulled up his t-shirt and everyone went "wow". I wasn't that impressed. "Anyway, let me tell you about the night I had a sandwich with two of the warders" I said, but for some reason no-one heard me and they were all touching Evan's six-pack. He isn't even that good-looking. Keith and Evan are having a civil partnership soon. "Jamie, I want you to be there," said Keith. "Will you sing at it?" I agreed - I guess I do need to be a good freind to him and bring some much-needed glamour and soffistication to his civil partnership. Anyway, later bitches. I need to rehearse the words to the Spice Girl's Wannabe - I thought I'd go for one of the classical pieces.