Wednesday, August 12, 2009

On the inside the sun don't shine

Ohmygod, finally! I guess you've all been wondering where I was for the last 2 years. Well, all I can say is that I was totally innosent and John Barrowman and all those other cellebrities who said I was stalking them were all telling lies - it was clearly a conspiracy and they felt threatened by me. Anyway, I'm on the outside now and my parole officer says I have to behave. I've even got a job at the new TK Max what's opened in the town centre. Debbie got me it, she's there too.

Brian has waited for me while I was in prison. He visited me every day and brought me like loads of care packages with cds, celebmagazines, fake tan, body glitter, hair bleach and kitkats. I don't want to sound ungrateful but often he'd get me the wrong shade of fake tan - like, I'd make it clear I wanted burnt umber, but he'd get me heavy sienna and stuff like that. I had to teach him a lesson and refused to see him for 2 weeks so he made the daily 50 mile trip for nothing. He just didn't understand what it was like to be in prison. It wasn't all daytime tv and giving skinheads handjobs (though that involved most of it). Still, he knows how I have suffered (he even went on hunger strike for me), and we are going to have a fresh start.

We went down to Climax 2000 last night - the hip and happening LGB club in town. Miss Thang, my fab drag-queen DJ freind was so pleased to see me. "Sorry I couldn't visit you Jamie!" she said, "As you know, I don't do public transport, but I sent you happy thoughts almost every day." It looks as if life hasn't been treating her too well. She's lost three teeth and shakes quite a lot now. "I'm on that Demonoral stuff what killed Michael Jackson," she told me. "It's dead nice, but the comedown's a bitch."

My fugly and boring freind Keith introduced me to his new boyfriend Evan. Evan works for the NHS "He's on 16 and a half thousand a year," Keith bragged. He's also does tryathalons and is dead butch. "Show Jamie your six pack!" said Keith. Evan pulled up his t-shirt and everyone went "wow". I wasn't that impressed. "Anyway, let me tell you about the night I had a sandwich with two of the warders" I said, but for some reason no-one heard me and they were all touching Evan's six-pack. He isn't even that good-looking. Keith and Evan are having a civil partnership soon. "Jamie, I want you to be there," said Keith. "Will you sing at it?" I agreed - I guess I do need to be a good freind to him and bring some much-needed glamour and soffistication to his civil partnership. Anyway, later bitches. I need to rehearse the words to the Spice Girl's Wannabe - I thought I'd go for one of the classical pieces.


At 9:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hooray - welcome back Jamie - we mizzed u!

At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought we'd lost you forever!


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