I am totally tantastic!!!
I have spent all day applieing this special fake tan stuff that I got on the internet from Russia. As my skin tone is quite dark, I have to buy products that are designed for black people. There were some instructions about washing it off after 10 minutes as it can cause "skin melting" and "cancer" but I just leave it on because I want to have the darkest tan there is. It's great because it actually burns away the top layers of your skin so you have this purple skin exposed underneath, then it actually tans the purple skin, making it the colour of tree bark. You just can't let anyone touch you afterwards.
I look fucking gorgeous when I've had it done, so I decided to take myself off into town to show off my new tan. Everyone I walked past was staring - obviously they were all dead jealous. Someone shouted "Get back to Pakistan!" at me so I just said "Fuck off, you are homophobick!!" and went on my way. OBviously some people have no fashion sense!
Anyway, Keith has been sending me like 10 texts a minute to say meet him in the bus station cafe, and I was planning on doing some cottaging in there anyways, I decided to look in and put him out of his misery. He was sharing a flapjack with his new boyfreind Evan. Evan was wearing this tight t-shirt which showed off his massive arms and pecs. He's such a show-off and so needy for attention all the time. Honestly, it's patheitic. "Jamie, we can't decide what to wear for our civil partnership," bleated Keith. "I was thinking we should both wear white suits but Evan was thinking of being bold and having us both dressed in just jockstraps with angel wings."
So I said: "I don't really care what you go as. Civil partneships are so last year anyways. They never last. And in anycase, it doesn't matter what Keith wears, the camera flash will bounce of his shiny face so no-one will see anything anyway."
Keith gave a little scream and ran off to the loos to look at his face, so I was left with Evan. He like totally started flirting with me. He just sat there, texting and not looking at me. I could tell he was despearate for me to rip off his t-shirt. So I just like ignored him back. But after 10 seconds I got bored, and anyway, Keith was coming back, so I said quickly "So Evan, how about you come back to my flat. After been in prison I can take a whole fist." Evan said "Urrrgh, you're a vile common little queen. Fuck off!" But I could tell he was only saying that cos Keith had come back at that moment. So I got up, and ran my fingers across his face seductively (it would of been even sexier if some of my skin hadn't flaked off at that point) and said "You'll be following me out of here in ten minutes..."
I waited outside the cafe for a bit, but obviously Keith must have pulled one of her big queeny tantrums. She's so possessive and jealous.
Labels: fake tan