Wednesday, March 28, 2007

You'd better start praying - cos the rapture happens TONIGHT!!

I was in bed with my GIRLfreind Flo and we were trying to have sex. Even though I'm not gay anymore I can only really do it if I lie on my stomach and she sticks her hand up my bum while I think about Philip Olive.

Anyway, it had been going on for about 10 minutes and then suddenly Flo gets all shakey and weird and is like "I'm having one! I'm having one!" So I pull the sheets over my head to avoid her, but she says "No! I'm having a vision Jamie. God is telling me when the rapture is going to be." Her eyes then roll back in her head and she goes "The rapture will beeeeeeeeeee........." just like Davina when she anounces the eviction on Big Brother. And then she goes "TONIGHT at 7.58pm!!!!" (That means I'll miss the end of Corrie! Damn!)

Anyway, we had to text all the members of the church and get down to our church right away to prepare. It was so exciting, everyone in a right state - we had to say goodbye to our families and shit, and make sure all our cookers and tellys were turned off. When we got to the church, Flo suddenly had a panic and was like "I forgot to let my pussycat out! Minky will die of starvataion when I'm Raptured Up." So Reverend Bogg was like "Ok, hurry back home and do it.."

So it got to like 7.51 and Flo still hadn't come back. Then hunky Tyler was like - "I know, let's play a trick on Flo. We'll all hide in the Bible closet and when she comes back, she'll think we've already been Raptured Up!" Everyone thought this was a great idea, so we all got into the closet together. We had to take our clothes off though and leave them in piles - because when you're Raptured Up, your clothes get left behind. Anyway, we were in the closet - it was a really tight squeeze. I had Reverend Bogg behind me and his pipe was digging right into me!

Then we heard Flo come back in. She saw all the piles of clothes and was like "OH MY GOD! The RAPTURE! It's happened!!!! And I've been LEFT BEHIIIIIINNNNNNNDD!!!!!!!!!" She then started slapping herself and pulling at her own hair and going a bit mad (I'm scared of her).

Reverend Bogg suddenly started breathing really heavily and groaned a bit, and then said "OK, let's put her out of her misery." So we all got out of the closet and went "Boo!" to Flo. She nearly pissed herself.

That night the rapture didn't happen. Flo said she must have misheard God again because he somtimes says some words in French.

And I must of sat in some rice pudding or something, because my back was absolutely covered in all this white gooey stuff. Oh well.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Miss Thang vs. Revrend Bogg

On Saturday I was down the town centre with Revrend Bogg and all of my Church. We were singing and trying to save souls. I was shaking my tamborine (and my booty). Anyway, who should walk past but Brian and Debbie and Keith and Miss Thang and Barbara. Miss Thang heard all our singing and she was started screaming "I FUCKED JESUS UP THE ASS LAST NIGHT!" and other stuff like that. Revrend Bogg got all excited and he pointed at them all and was like "We have HOMOSEXSHUALS IN OUR MIDST!!! You people are the UNGODLY and HELL-BOUND!" Debbie turned round, pulled her knickers down and did a shit right in front of them - "That's what I think of yous lot!" she said. It was all getting a bit nasty, and then Brian noticed me.

"Jamie?" is that you? Everyone was like dead shocked and started asking questions at me: "You've changed so much!" "What happened to your hair?" "Is that a side parting?" "Why is it just one colour?" "Where's your fake tan?" "Why are you wearing Gap cordoroys?" "Is that shirt from MARKS AND SPENCER????"

I was like "BEGONE, I am WITH CHRIST and such things like don't matter to me anymores."

Miss Thang was like "Oh fuckin ell they've brainwashed the little cunt."

Then my GIRLfreind Flo stepped in and was like "Jamie's one of us now. He's saved. And when we're all raptured up to Heavin, you sinners'll be left down here in the nuclear war and everything."

Miss Thang was like "Yeah? Well good, cos maybe all the radiation will make my hand grow back (she lost it remember during a tragick accident invovling a waste disposal unit).

Brian was like "Jamie, I'm sorry we were all horrible to you. Come to Climax 2000 with us. It's a Kylie night. Theyre playing as much Kylie as you can stand to listen to...."

But I was like "No, the HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLE is in my past. I am BORN AGAIN!"

"Hallyloolah!" shouted all my Church at once. And then all my ex-freinds sulked off in a huff.


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Go With the Flo

I have spent the whole week praying and finding out about god and heavin and shit like that. I like so totally beleeve in god now. This means that I have to stop being gay, cos as Revrend Bogg says "every time that someone puts their cock up your bum Jamie, the baby jesus gets punched in the face by the devil."

Anyways it doesn't matter cos I now have a *girl*friend. Her name is Flo - she is 45 and is one of the members of our church. She lives with her mother and knows like the whole bible inside out. She has grey frizzy hair, and like the worst taste in clothes, and doesn't wear make-up and doesn't smile very much, except when she's talking about the Rapture. On our first date (to a tour of an abbatoir) she told me all about how like one day really soon, God is going to come and take up all the good beilevers into Heaven, and all the bad people and non-beilevers will be Left Behind. And then there'll be a nuclear war and everyone will have to have 666 put on their hands and go to hell and stuff. It sounds awful. Flo says she hears God who tells her when the Rapture is going to be. Last year, she predicted the Rapture on 76 different occasions but it didn't happen. "God speaks in a whisper, so I can't always hear him properly" she told me.

After watching cows being slaughtered on our date, we went back to my place. We were sitting on my bed and Flo noticed a copy of Heat magazine. She FREAKED OUT and held up her cross at it and was like "HEAT is the WORK of THE DEVIL!!!! HEAT is what you get when you're IN HELL!!!!" But I was like "No, Heat is cool - I've shop-lifted every single issue of it. Come and have a look Flo. See how thin Posh Spice is. And look at Vanessa Feltz." Flo hid behind a pillow but kept peeking out and giggling at all the fat and thin women in Heat. Afterwards we were going to have some twix and kitkats for supper, but Flo wouldn't have any kitkats. "I'm too fat!" she said. God! Heat magazine really works its magic fast doesn't it. It gave Flo an eating disorder after only 10 minutes!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Jockstraps and Jesus

So anyway, I have been spending like loads of time with my new best freind Tyler. He is in this bodybuilding group called "Lifting Rocks for Jesus." He strips down to this tiny jockstrap with all these other hunks and then they do weightlifting for like an hour and pose and take photos of each other. I am there helper. I have to rub oil on them for the photos, and look after all the different jockstraps. They all have girlfreinds though and keep talking about them all the time, I don't get it!!

Everyone at Tyler's singing group says that I am like the best singer they have had. All the women there keep asking me for makeup and fashion tips (most of them are mingaz with no stile at all, but I am doing my best).

There leader is this guy with frizzy white hair who they all call Revrend Bogg. He said to me "do you believe in God Jamie?" And I was like "I've never really thought about it." Revrend Bogg was like "God loves you Jamie." Then he spent like an hour telling me that there IS a God. It was all a bit complicated and I didn't really listen to most of it, but it seems that the planet is only 5000 years old and everythings so perfect so it must have had like a proper designer and stuff who lives in Heaven. I was like "But Brian told me that we all came from like tadpoles millions of years ago." Revrend Bogg stood up and got really mad. He started kicking chairs around and pulled a bookcase over. All these leaflets with pictures of angels on them went everywhere.

"Evilution is a nasty lie!" he screamed in my face. "Say it! Say it Jamie!" So I said it. He then grabbed my hand and said "Get down on your knees! We'll pray together Jamie!" It was all a bit intense. He was all red and sweating and stuff and he held my hand really tight.

Anyway, I guess I believe in God now. It's nice to think when I die I will go to heaven and be surrounded by hot angels and shit like that.

Revrend Bogg puts all the photos of Tyler and the other Lifting Rocks for Jesus hunks on this website and people have to pay to see them. I asked him what he does with the money and he told me that it all goes to do Gods work in Africa. He has invited me round to his house for the weekend so we can talk some more about god and pray together. It's this fabulous mansion, like 18 bedrooms. I cant wait.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Fuck Debbie and them lot, I am poplar again

I was walking past Climax 2000 and saw that they were having a big birthday party for Miss Thang. I could hear everyone was laughing and stuff inside, but I didn't feel like going in, so I went and sat in the park and was thinking about how unfair everyone is 2 me. And like, why am I misearable cos I am so hot and DESERVE 4 people to love me.

Anyway, I was sitting there for like an hour or summat and it gets dark. Then this really hot stud comes and sits next to me. He's obviously cruising me. He goes "Hi! I'm Tyler." So we like chatted 4 a bit and he's like "Do you want to come home with me? I've got a group session going."

So I'm like "sure, I love group." I was just hoping they were all as hot as him and not some old mingaz.

Anyway, he took me to this weird building and we ended up in this room with all these chairs. "The others will be here soon," Tyler said. So I decided to get comfortable and was taking off my coat and about to unbutton my shirt. Then these 2 really hot guys came in, so I was like "Yeah! Cool! Who wants to go first?" But then these 3 OLD MINGAZ came in after them, so I was like ""Well, OK, you lot can watch if you like."

But then these WOMEN came in. And I was like "what the fuck's goin on?"

But before anyway could explain, they all started singing and dancing and stuff. It was a bit weird at first and I couldn't understand what was going on. I think they were like a pop group or something, but still training. But they had put on some music and actually it was kind of OK, so I started singing and joining in, and I could tell they were all impressed, cos as you all know, I was like almost on Pop Idol and am a very talented singer-dancer.

At the end, someone started talking, but I wasn't paying much attention cos I was too busy looking at Tyler, the dancing had made him all hot and sweaty and he'd like unbuttoned his shirt so I could see all this sexy chest hair poking out. And his big pecs - yum!!

So it was a pretty cool night I guess anyways. And they all hugged me at the end - it was fab having Tyler pressed up against me. I'm in love! I know he feels the same way as he looked deep in my eyes and said "I can't wait to see you again."

They've got my address and said they'll call round tomorrow for another meeting. They've said I should try and learn some of the songs. They're over at this website.

See, I don't need Debbie and that lot. I can easily make freinds who appresiate me.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

The one where everyone hates Jamie4U

I think something is wrong with my mobile cos I haven't had any text messages for like 3 days. I had been txting Debbie and Keith and Miss Thang and Barbara (and even Brian) for like ever, and nothing!

Anyway, I popped into Climax 2000 last night and they were all in there together, laughing about something. I was like "hi! do you like my new haircut?" (cos like I have had new dirty blonde streaks put in and it's all shaved at the sides - dead kewl!) But I think they all must have been on drugs or summat cos they just stared at me. Then Keith burst out laughing in this high pitched voice (he is such a girl!).

Miss Thang then said "Yes Jamie, what a brave choice!" And they all started laughing again. So I sat down and was like "I've been like txting you all, did you not get my messages?"
And Debbie goes "Yeah, we got them, but none of us felt like replying Jamie."

So I was like "why? Who got your knickers in a twist?" And Debbie was like "You did. You know what I'm talking about."

I had to think for a bit, but then I remembered that last week at this party, Debbie had been there with her new boyfriend. Anyway, he got really drunk and pass out on this bed. I was sure he had been flirting with me all night and was in the closet, so I had done what comes natural to me and unzipped him. How was I to know that Debbie would have walked in on us. Some people are so selfish! What about MY right to have sexual pleashure? And he clearly WAS gay cos he got a hard on even though he was unconshcious. God! You'd think I'd like raped him or summat.

Anyway, I'd forgot all about it, cos that's like a typical Tuesday night for me. But Debbie hasn't had like a boyfriend in 5 years and they split up cos of it, so now she's all like "Jamie is a cunt!" and everything, and she's turned all my freinds against me.

So what! Suck it up bitch! I don't need no-one. Woteva and shit!