Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Three down, 998 to go.

I had this wierd dream the other night. I dreamt like I died and shit. And then I went to Heaven and God was like Madonna. Yeah! And she was like "Jamie cannot pass the gates of Heaven because you have not yet completed your mission on Earth." So I was all like "What's my mission then Madonna?" And she said "Your mission is to turn 1001 heterosexual men gay. That is an important part of my plan. You are going to destroy internalised homofobia. And also, by creating gay men they will all buy my records and I can't seem to break through the straight male market. So I'm sending you back to Earth."

Then I woke up. And you know what, it all makes sense. I do have amazing, some would say, like supernatural sexual powers. And Miss Thang is always telling me that there's no such thing as "straight" but that all straight men are just in the closet because society is so homofobic and shit.

So anyway, last night I began my mission. I decided to hang out round the public loos in the park and see how many straight men I could convert. There were all the usual sad old cottage queens there, the ones you see night after night, so I just hissed "piss off" at them as I normally do. A few straight men came in but I ignored them cos they were a bit old and minging and Madonna didn't say that I had to convert EVERYONE. So I guess I'm going to concentrate only on the fit young ones. Then this hot straight man came in. I could tell he was straight cos he didn't cruise me or anything, and just went straight to the urinal and actally had a piss.

So I stood at the urinal next to him and started to feel his bum. Unfortunately he was VERY homofobic and kind of yelled at me for a bit and called me a pervert and said he was going to call the police. I was like "Look love, if you were really straight you wouldn't be kicking up such a fuss. You're clearly in the closet.

Anyway, he gets his mobile out and is calling the police. So I decide that maybe he IS straight and a lost cause so I start screaming "Oh my god! This is like homofobia. You have VIOLATED my RIGHT to express my SEXUALITY. It would be different if I was a WOMAN!" And I fall down on the floor and start writhing round and stuff. This freaks him out and he runs away. So I get up except I'm a bit covered in piss and nasty stuff from the floor.

Anyway, I hung around a bit more and sucked off three men through one of the glory holes. I don't know if they were straight or not. But I'm going to assume they were. It's not easy doing God's work and being the Chosen One.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Jamie4U goes posh

These 2 gay teachers have moved in next door to where I live. Tim and... oh I can't remember the other ones name. But they are like dead posh. Honest they both sound like the man who reads the local news. The other night they were having like a "dinner party" and had all these friends and stuff round and they were all laughing and saying "goodbye" to each other in the garden.

I was a bit jelus cos I never get invited to stuff like that, and they had quite a lot of hot freinds. So I thought I would try and be their best freind myself, so that I could get lots of sex with posh hot people (who would buy me presents and shit, cos since I dumped Brian, moneys been tight).

Anyway, I arranged to bump into them when they were coming back from the shops and was like "Oh hi! I'm Jamie. I'm just like you. I like to suck cocks too! So I heard youre both teachers or summat."

And they were like "No, we work at the university." So I was like "Oh, I did an NVQCXVAC Award in hair therapy at the local college, well I did like a week of it but I had to leave cos of all the homofobia and shit I suffered!" They were like "Oh what a shame!"

So anyway, I invited them round to a "dinner party" last night. My first one. I didn't really know much about them, but I know you have to have like 3 courses of food. So I did toast for the starter. Then we had pot noodles for the main course. And battenburg cake for the sweet. It was fab. I've never done so much cooking in my life! They'd brought round this red wine, but it tasted "off", so I didn't have any. At least they were trying, even if they were clueless!!!

Afterwards we sat down and I got out my drag photo album and showed them all these pictures of me and my mates in drag. They didn't say anything, but I could tell they thought it was hilarious.

Normally by this stage I'd expected that one of them would have followed me into the bathroom or something for sex. But I suppose posh people are a bit different and maybe even shy.

So I turned all the lights off and put some gay porn on. My favourite DVD "Threes on Their Knees". It's a really fab film. You should see it. Anyway, I was enjoying it so much. Then I heard the front door go bang. So I put the lights on and realised they had both left. I suppose I must have turned them on so much that they had both cum too soon and then they got embarrassed and had to go home. Whatever!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Booty Call

Well, I didn't hear anything from my hunky new "straight" footballer boyfriend Gav, despite sending him like 500 text messages in 3 days. Maybe he lost his mobile or something. I dunno. Anyway, I was in bed cos it was like 3 in the morning and then I heard my mobile go, so I checked it and it was Gav and he was like "can I come round I need a bj". So I was like "Sure". Anyway, he turns up and I could tell he was drunk. He didn't really want to talk or anything, he was so horny. He just pulled down his shorts to reveal those muscly thighs and grabbed my head. It was fab! Though I wish it had lasted more than 30 seconds. Oh well. I guess he must be in a rush. I offered to make him a cup of tea but he said "fuck off queer!" and ran out right away. Butch guys are so hot aren't they!

Anyway, I didnt hear anything from him for a few days and then the same thing happened again. This is like my ideal relationship! I was bragging to Debbie and Keith about it yesterday, but they didn't seem to "get" it. Debbie was like "But he treats you like rubbish. What about your needs!" And Keith was like "Yeah, you have no control in this relationship Jamie!" And I had to think about it for like ten minutes and then I realised that YES, they were right. I think it is because Gav is still in the closet and he is ashamed to be himself. However, I am so caring and kind - I feel I have been put on earth to liberate peopple from the closet.

So I went down to the football ground where Gav was playing in a match. I was wearing my pink "GAY PIMP!" t-shirt and a feather boa. I skipped onto the pitch in front of everyone, cos I like don't care and ran to Gav and kissed him. He was like "FUCK OFF!" And I said "That's not what you said the other night when we were HAVING SEX! My mate Debbie was hiding in the closet, just like you, and she took photos on her mobile, I have proof!" (Even though that bit was a lie cos she wasntin the closet).

And all the other lads were laughing at him. So he like freaked out and ran away.

I feel so glad about it. Now he can be himself and embrace the gay life.

Anyway, you can imagine how shocked I was when I was flicking round the telly tonight and on the local news it turns out that he lay down on the train tracks and killed himself! How selfish is that! Now I don't even have a boyfriend and this is the thanks I get for trying to help someone. God! Oh well, at least now I am single again I can go back to being (more of) a slag.

Monday, January 01, 2007

This is MY year! It's all about ME from now on!

I have been living with Keith for the last few days. Everyone was like dead simpathetic when they heard how I had been living in an ABUSIVE relationship with Brian for like a year. I haven't been able to talk about it because I was so frightened of him. But now it's finally over I can talk about it all and I think that is why I have like BULLYIMIA and ANORACKIA. Because I was never good-looking enough for him. It is like so hard to be like 18 and have these pressures on you to be hot and thin and sexy all the time. Anyway, it is a New Year and a New Jamie4U. In fact, I am no longer Jamie4U, I am Jamie4me! Cos for once, I am going to put me first! And that means going after what *I* want for a change, rather than trying to please everyone else.

Anyway, for my New Years resolution, I have resolved to get a better body so more people will fancy me, so me and Keith and Debbie all joined our local gym. Well, Keith and Debbie had to pay for my membership cos I am a bit short of cash right now. But whatever, it's only money as I say. We had this like induction thing. It was right boring. How am I supposed to remember how to use all these different machines. I soon got bored. It was OK for Debbie and Keith, they are lucky enough to have Ipods to listen to. I don't have ANYTHING like that! It's so hard to be me sometimes.

So after 5 minutes I went off to the men's sauna. You're like supposed to wear shorts, but I took mine off and sat there with my tuppence hanging out, smiling and saying "hi" to all the cute guyz who came in and hissing "fuck off oldie!" at any mingaz. Anyway, these 10 lads who had been playing football all came in at once. It was a bit of a squash and I had to sit really close between them all. Well I wasnt complaining cos they were so fit! I tried to talk to them about the latest Christine Agileria album, but they didn't seem that interested in what I had to say for some reason, and kept ignoring me and saying "watch your arses lads!" and all this homophobic shit. Just cos my hand slipped once or twice and I ended up accidentally touching their cocks. God I hate ignorance!

Anyway, they all left, apart from one of them called Gav who had been a bit quiet. And when we were alone he said "I'm not gay or anything but you can suck me off." So I did. Afterwards we exchanged phone numbers and he said "If you tell anyone about this you little queer I will fucking kill you. Got that?"

I am officially a footballers wife! I have a great new fit boyfriend called Gav! I can tell 2007 is going to be a great year for me!