Three down, 998 to go.
I had this wierd dream the other night. I dreamt like I died and shit. And then I went to Heaven and God was like Madonna. Yeah! And she was like "Jamie cannot pass the gates of Heaven because you have not yet completed your mission on Earth." So I was all like "What's my mission then Madonna?" And she said "Your mission is to turn 1001 heterosexual men gay. That is an important part of my plan. You are going to destroy internalised homofobia. And also, by creating gay men they will all buy my records and I can't seem to break through the straight male market. So I'm sending you back to Earth."
Then I woke up. And you know what, it all makes sense. I do have amazing, some would say, like supernatural sexual powers. And Miss Thang is always telling me that there's no such thing as "straight" but that all straight men are just in the closet because society is so homofobic and shit.
So anyway, last night I began my mission. I decided to hang out round the public loos in the park and see how many straight men I could convert. There were all the usual sad old cottage queens there, the ones you see night after night, so I just hissed "piss off" at them as I normally do. A few straight men came in but I ignored them cos they were a bit old and minging and Madonna didn't say that I had to convert EVERYONE. So I guess I'm going to concentrate only on the fit young ones. Then this hot straight man came in. I could tell he was straight cos he didn't cruise me or anything, and just went straight to the urinal and actally had a piss.
So I stood at the urinal next to him and started to feel his bum. Unfortunately he was VERY homofobic and kind of yelled at me for a bit and called me a pervert and said he was going to call the police. I was like "Look love, if you were really straight you wouldn't be kicking up such a fuss. You're clearly in the closet.
Anyway, he gets his mobile out and is calling the police. So I decide that maybe he IS straight and a lost cause so I start screaming "Oh my god! This is like homofobia. You have VIOLATED my RIGHT to express my SEXUALITY. It would be different if I was a WOMAN!" And I fall down on the floor and start writhing round and stuff. This freaks him out and he runs away. So I get up except I'm a bit covered in piss and nasty stuff from the floor.
Anyway, I hung around a bit more and sucked off three men through one of the glory holes. I don't know if they were straight or not. But I'm going to assume they were. It's not easy doing God's work and being the Chosen One.