You'd better start praying - cos the rapture happens TONIGHT!!
I was in bed with my GIRLfreind Flo and we were trying to have sex. Even though I'm not gay anymore I can only really do it if I lie on my stomach and she sticks her hand up my bum while I think about Philip Olive.
Anyway, it had been going on for about 10 minutes and then suddenly Flo gets all shakey and weird and is like "I'm having one! I'm having one!" So I pull the sheets over my head to avoid her, but she says "No! I'm having a vision Jamie. God is telling me when the rapture is going to be." Her eyes then roll back in her head and she goes "The rapture will beeeeeeeeeee........." just like Davina when she anounces the eviction on Big Brother. And then she goes "TONIGHT at 7.58pm!!!!" (That means I'll miss the end of Corrie! Damn!)
Anyway, we had to text all the members of the church and get down to our church right away to prepare. It was so exciting, everyone in a right state - we had to say goodbye to our families and shit, and make sure all our cookers and tellys were turned off. When we got to the church, Flo suddenly had a panic and was like "I forgot to let my pussycat out! Minky will die of starvataion when I'm Raptured Up." So Reverend Bogg was like "Ok, hurry back home and do it.."
So it got to like 7.51 and Flo still hadn't come back. Then hunky Tyler was like - "I know, let's play a trick on Flo. We'll all hide in the Bible closet and when she comes back, she'll think we've already been Raptured Up!" Everyone thought this was a great idea, so we all got into the closet together. We had to take our clothes off though and leave them in piles - because when you're Raptured Up, your clothes get left behind. Anyway, we were in the closet - it was a really tight squeeze. I had Reverend Bogg behind me and his pipe was digging right into me!
Then we heard Flo come back in. She saw all the piles of clothes and was like "OH MY GOD! The RAPTURE! It's happened!!!! And I've been LEFT BEHIIIIIINNNNNNNDD!!!!!!!!!" She then started slapping herself and pulling at her own hair and going a bit mad (I'm scared of her).
Reverend Bogg suddenly started breathing really heavily and groaned a bit, and then said "OK, let's put her out of her misery." So we all got out of the closet and went "Boo!" to Flo. She nearly pissed herself.
That night the rapture didn't happen. Flo said she must have misheard God again because he somtimes says some words in French.
And I must of sat in some rice pudding or something, because my back was absolutely covered in all this white gooey stuff. Oh well.