Go With the Flo
I have spent the whole week praying and finding out about god and heavin and shit like that. I like so totally beleeve in god now. This means that I have to stop being gay, cos as Revrend Bogg says "every time that someone puts their cock up your bum Jamie, the baby jesus gets punched in the face by the devil."
Anyways it doesn't matter cos I now have a *girl*friend. Her name is Flo - she is 45 and is one of the members of our church. She lives with her mother and knows like the whole bible inside out. She has grey frizzy hair, and like the worst taste in clothes, and doesn't wear make-up and doesn't smile very much, except when she's talking about the Rapture. On our first date (to a tour of an abbatoir) she told me all about how like one day really soon, God is going to come and take up all the good beilevers into Heaven, and all the bad people and non-beilevers will be Left Behind. And then there'll be a nuclear war and everyone will have to have 666 put on their hands and go to hell and stuff. It sounds awful. Flo says she hears God who tells her when the Rapture is going to be. Last year, she predicted the Rapture on 76 different occasions but it didn't happen. "God speaks in a whisper, so I can't always hear him properly" she told me.
After watching cows being slaughtered on our date, we went back to my place. We were sitting on my bed and Flo noticed a copy of Heat magazine. She FREAKED OUT and held up her cross at it and was like "HEAT is the WORK of THE DEVIL!!!! HEAT is what you get when you're IN HELL!!!!" But I was like "No, Heat is cool - I've shop-lifted every single issue of it. Come and have a look Flo. See how thin Posh Spice is. And look at Vanessa Feltz." Flo hid behind a pillow but kept peeking out and giggling at all the fat and thin women in Heat. Afterwards we were going to have some twix and kitkats for supper, but Flo wouldn't have any kitkats. "I'm too fat!" she said. God! Heat magazine really works its magic fast doesn't it. It gave Flo an eating disorder after only 10 minutes!