Brian's Christmas Meltdown
Well! We moved into the new house a few days before Christmas, and to celebrate, I decided to ask all my freinds round for Christmas dinner. I just told Brian to cook a fab 5 course meal for like 16 people and then I went off round the Arndale centre with Debbie and Keith, cruising all the hot daddies doing there last minute shopping for knickers and stuff for their wives. Hot!!!
It was grate on Christmas morning. I got up at 6 oclock to open my presents, brian had got me loads of stuff, though there was something wrong with like every present, like I'd wanted that lycra top in matte black not satin black, and the watch he'd got me had numbers rather than roman numerals on it. God! He is so useless and I told him so because I dont believe in like lying to people and shit. You should always be honest. In with anger out with love and all that.
Brian had been cooking for like three days solid or something, I dont know exactly how long cos I havent been around much cos hes like boring. Anyway, soon the guests arrived around 10ish (I'd gone back to bed after I opened my presents and didnt get up until 12). Id invited these 3 guys off gaydar round for Christmas who I'd never met before. A little Christmas present to myself, I'd decided to "audition" them and shag the best looking one after dinner.
Miss Thang and her "life-partner" Ahmed came round also. Miss Thang threw some drugs on the table and was like "Happy FUcking Chrismtas all of yous!" she was totally off her head. Debbie and Keith and Barbara were there too and oh loads of people from Climax 2000! It were dead good.
Anyway, Brian was all hot and bothered and he served the dinner and was like "who are those 3 lads who keep talking to you Jamie? I dont think you've introduced me." So I was like "Oh just some friends off the internet, stop asking my questions, you're not my dad thank god even though youre old enough" cos hes like 30 and I'm like 18.
Then Miss Thang and Ahmed started dancing to "I wish it could be Christmas every day", but they got a bit out of control as they were drunk and off their heads. Miss Thang started trying to shag the Christmas tree and then fell on it, and she was on the floor on the tree laughing and going "Haa haaaa haaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaa!" Brian was like "Oh no! What has she done?!" And then Ahmed started going "You insult my WIFE! I KILL YOU!" and all this, so we had to lock him in the toilet for a bit until he calmed down.
Anyway, we finally got all settled for dinner. And Miss Thang kicked off again "This fucking turkey's COOOOLLLLLDDDD!" she screamed. "This is a shit Christmas dinner!" Brian had just come in with the Christmas pudding. And he heard her.
And then he just lost it altogether.
He was like "Ever since you came into my life as Jamie's 'friend', I have tried to be respectful to you Miss Thang. But I can honestly say that I have NEVER met such a rancid piece of vomit in my entire life. You are POISON! You are the putrefaction of DEATH! You infect every single person you touch with evil and bile and you do not deserve to live!"
He started to walk towards Miss Thang with this scary look on his face. Even though she was on drugs, Miss Thang realised what was going to happen and she said "Jamies got 3 lads off gaydar that he's going to shag Brian love!" and then she tried to run for it. But Brian blocked her way. She was like "Oh come on, it's Christmas, cant you take a joke?" And Brian said "No bitch, I can't." And he struck a match, held it to the Christmas pudding - it went up in flames cos of all the brandy. Then he threw it all in her face! She was like "Oh my god, my face, my face!" cos it was like burning all the skin off of her. Everyone was like in shock and started screaming and stuff, and it was like that scene in Carrie. People were like stampeding to get out, and Ahmed got pushed over and trampled by Debbie and everyone.
Finally, it was just me and Brian left alone. Brian said "It's finally over." He seemed quite happy. "Get out of my house Jamie and never come back."
I was like "But it's Christmas Day. You can't throw me out! Where will I go?"
Brian said "I wish I could bring myself to care, but I can't."
So I was like "How about I give you a blowjob?" which I've never said before.
And Brian was like "Always the tawdry little tart Jamie. Your rapidly decreasing sex appeal no longer works. Get out!"
So I was kicked out of my own home on Christmas Day and had to spend the rest of the day living in a toilet cubicle in the bus station!!! Can you believe it!