Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Brian's Christmas Meltdown

Well! We moved into the new house a few days before Christmas, and to celebrate, I decided to ask all my freinds round for Christmas dinner. I just told Brian to cook a fab 5 course meal for like 16 people and then I went off round the Arndale centre with Debbie and Keith, cruising all the hot daddies doing there last minute shopping for knickers and stuff for their wives. Hot!!!

It was grate on Christmas morning. I got up at 6 oclock to open my presents, brian had got me loads of stuff, though there was something wrong with like every present, like I'd wanted that lycra top in matte black not satin black, and the watch he'd got me had numbers rather than roman numerals on it. God! He is so useless and I told him so because I dont believe in like lying to people and shit. You should always be honest. In with anger out with love and all that.

Brian had been cooking for like three days solid or something, I dont know exactly how long cos I havent been around much cos hes like boring. Anyway, soon the guests arrived around 10ish (I'd gone back to bed after I opened my presents and didnt get up until 12). Id invited these 3 guys off gaydar round for Christmas who I'd never met before. A little Christmas present to myself, I'd decided to "audition" them and shag the best looking one after dinner.

Miss Thang and her "life-partner" Ahmed came round also. Miss Thang threw some drugs on the table and was like "Happy FUcking Chrismtas all of yous!" she was totally off her head. Debbie and Keith and Barbara were there too and oh loads of people from Climax 2000! It were dead good.

Anyway, Brian was all hot and bothered and he served the dinner and was like "who are those 3 lads who keep talking to you Jamie? I dont think you've introduced me." So I was like "Oh just some friends off the internet, stop asking my questions, you're not my dad thank god even though youre old enough" cos hes like 30 and I'm like 18.

Then Miss Thang and Ahmed started dancing to "I wish it could be Christmas every day", but they got a bit out of control as they were drunk and off their heads. Miss Thang started trying to shag the Christmas tree and then fell on it, and she was on the floor on the tree laughing and going "Haa haaaa haaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaa!" Brian was like "Oh no! What has she done?!" And then Ahmed started going "You insult my WIFE! I KILL YOU!" and all this, so we had to lock him in the toilet for a bit until he calmed down.

Anyway, we finally got all settled for dinner. And Miss Thang kicked off again "This fucking turkey's COOOOLLLLLDDDD!" she screamed. "This is a shit Christmas dinner!" Brian had just come in with the Christmas pudding. And he heard her.

And then he just lost it altogether.

He was like "Ever since you came into my life as Jamie's 'friend', I have tried to be respectful to you Miss Thang. But I can honestly say that I have NEVER met such a rancid piece of vomit in my entire life. You are POISON! You are the putrefaction of DEATH! You infect every single person you touch with evil and bile and you do not deserve to live!"

He started to walk towards Miss Thang with this scary look on his face. Even though she was on drugs, Miss Thang realised what was going to happen and she said "Jamies got 3 lads off gaydar that he's going to shag Brian love!" and then she tried to run for it. But Brian blocked her way. She was like "Oh come on, it's Christmas, cant you take a joke?" And Brian said "No bitch, I can't." And he struck a match, held it to the Christmas pudding - it went up in flames cos of all the brandy. Then he threw it all in her face! She was like "Oh my god, my face, my face!" cos it was like burning all the skin off of her. Everyone was like in shock and started screaming and stuff, and it was like that scene in Carrie. People were like stampeding to get out, and Ahmed got pushed over and trampled by Debbie and everyone.

Finally, it was just me and Brian left alone. Brian said "It's finally over." He seemed quite happy. "Get out of my house Jamie and never come back."

I was like "But it's Christmas Day. You can't throw me out! Where will I go?"

Brian said "I wish I could bring myself to care, but I can't."

So I was like "How about I give you a blowjob?" which I've never said before.

And Brian was like "Always the tawdry little tart Jamie. Your rapidly decreasing sex appeal no longer works. Get out!"

So I was kicked out of my own home on Christmas Day and had to spend the rest of the day living in a toilet cubicle in the bus station!!! Can you believe it!

Sunday, December 10, 2006

And then there was Jamie

I am writing from an internet cafe in Blackpool! Yes, Brian has used the leftover lottery money to take me on holiday! Miss Thang, Debbie and Keith have come along as well. We are all staying in "The Meathole", which is a fab gay hotel. We always stay in gay hotels and go to gay cafes and use a gay taxi service and have a gay plumber and do gay everything. Anyway, the Meathole is fab. None of the bedrooms have doors or lights and you can phone down for drugs or a free blowjob. Miss Thang was like "See you twats later, I'm off downstairs to sit in the sauna, let me know in 2 days time when it's time to go."

So anyway, the rest of us went round the amusement arcades and had chips. It was fab. We went on a tram and Debbie needed a piss so she did it on the back seat - what a laugh! Brian was all "there's a lovely art decko hotel that I want to take some photos of for my website, Jamie will you come with me and steady my tripod" but I was like "fuck off, this is MY holiday, for ME! I don't want to do your boring shit!" so he went off on his own.

Anyway, then Debbie got arrested for shoplifting in one of the 50p shops, so then it was just me and Keith. I was like, "let's go cruising on Middle Parade" which is where all the hot guyz go. So we went down there. But it was just old mingaz. They all knew they didn;t stand a chance with me cos I am so beautiful, but Keith'll go with anyone who shows her a bit of attention, so soon he was the belle of the ball. I was like "I'm going to throw up!" so I went back to the hotel Meathole.

Anyway, a few hours later, the manager came to my bedroom. I was like "what?" and he said "I'm going to have to ask you to pack up and leave. We've had complaints about you from the other residents. You should be ashamed of yourself!"

So I had to go and sleep in someone's shed instead. How crap was that! I have an awful sore throat this morning too. I'll be glad to go home. I hate Blackpool.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Just like M people we are Moving on up, moving on out!

Brian's lottery cheque has finally arrived, so he put it in his bank account. This morning he was out looking at this posh show home on the Barrat estate. I was in the flat, watching porn on our new 62 inch plasma screen tv (fab or what). Anyhow, there was a knock at the door and Miss Thang and her new boyfriend Ahmed were standing there. Miss Thang was all kisses and smiles for once (nothing like her usual self). "Oh Jamie luv, how have ya been?" and "What a lovely television, how tasteful!" and all this stuff. They'd been on holiday so didn't know anything about Brian's lottery win.

Anyway, when I told them Miss Thang was like "How wonderful Jamie. But do you know what? We can take that £200,000 and turn it into 2 million pound!" I was like "how?" and Miss Thang said "My Ahmed is a poker champion. Have you heard of Pakistan? Well, Ahmed OWNS most of Pakistan. He won it in a poker game. All you have to do is give us Brian's credit card details and we can go online and play internet poker and in ten minutes, we'll have tripled your winnings. All Ahmed wants is like 25% of what we win."

So I was like "Wow! With that much money we could live in a CASTLE like Posh Spice and Becks." So I got Brian's credit card (which he keeps hidden in the bread bin) and gave it to them. Miss Thang got online and they started playing this online poker.

But it didn't seem to be going very well. It was all very complicated and I didn't get most of it and they wouldn't tell me what was happening. But then Brian came back and was like "what's this pair doing here Jamie?" Miss Thang said "Ooops, time to go now Ahmed!" And so they got up and practically ran out. Brian looked at te computer and was like "I can't believe it! They gambled away half of our money. We only have £100,000 left now."

So it looks like we won't be getting a five bedroom new Barrat Home after all now, but instead Brian has paid the remaining money on a two bedroom flat. Actually, I quite like it. It's above a Greggs the Bakers, so you can smell cheese pasties all the time - my favourite smell.

Brian has been very quiet lately. He just sits in the sitting room, staring into space a lot and not saying anything. I can't be bothered with that sort of behaviour, so I'm spending a lot of time at Climax 2000.