Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I'm going to Spend, Spend, Spend!

Well! What a mad few days!!

We got back to our flat after our celebration at Pizzaland and somehow news had got round the towerblock that Brian had won £200,000 on the lottery. It was like Zombie Dawn of the Dead or summat as all these people in track suits with cold sores crawled out of their sad little flats and chased us up the stairs shouting "Brian love! Can I talk to you about something?" and "Brian can you borrow us a grand mate?" People were like pulling at our clothes and stuff. We got into the flat and locked the door, but they started banging on the door and saying "let us in!". It were dead scary. In the end, Brian had to phone the police and they sprayed a water hose over everyone and we were escorted out under a blanket for safety.

So we are now staying at a Holiday Inn hotel in secret. It is like dead glam. I have never been in one before. It has like its own kettle and everything!

Brian wants to spend like most of the money on this 5 bedroom Barrat Home on this new estate. "It's a good investment! House prices are still going up..." he said. God he is so boring. I stopped listening. Anyway, I let him have sex with me last night, for the first time in months. He got so carried away that he was promising to buy me allsorts. Like a car, and a pair of DKNY diamond-studded low-slung jeans with the word "MAN-SLAG" spelt out on the bum in gems.

We went to the Arndale Centre today and I went totally mad. It was like probably the best day of my life (apart from the fact that Brian was with me the whole time - bleerrgh!) I spent like £4000!!! Can you beleeve it. Brian just followed me round like a little dog and carried my bags and stuff, and I was like "I'll have 3 of those and 10 of those!" It was fab and all the shop assistants were crawling round us (I even got a quick 3-some in the changing rooms of Envy with these 2 dead camp shop assistants while Brian was waiting outside).

Brian hasn't got the money yet, but it should come next week. All I can say is, it's ace been rich! I'm so happy and I know I will be happy now for the rest of my life!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Like, should I stay or should I go???

I have been like really miserable all this month. My life should be fabulous not crap like this. I am living in this smell-of-piss council block and my anscient "boyfriend" brian is pestering me for sex every night. So boring. I was telling Miss Thang and Ahmed about it at Climax 2000 our fab local gay nightclub/hardware shop. Well, I was just telling Miss Thang really as Ahmed only knows 6 words of English (all rude). He didn't know that Climax 2000 was a gay club (Miss Thang went ahead of us and said to the owner "put the football on the tv, so my boyfriend doesn't set fire to everyone". So when we arrived it was just like a straight pub (if you ignored all the posters of those horny French rugby players in black and white). But Ahmed seemed to like that as he is a big rugby fan and he knew all their names.

Anyway, I was having a moan on to Miss Thang about all my shit and she was like "honey, if you hate your life then leave Brian." But I was all "I can't, I have to stay with him for my bail." So she said "Oh Ahmed can fix you up with a new identity, he does it all the time." So she said a few words in like Indian to Ahmed and he said some stuff back and there was lots of hand moving around and then they started shouting and then slapping each other - and get this, they both pulled off each other's wigs. And then they kind of jumped on each other and Ahmed was like dry-humping her on the floor. Gross or what.

Anyway, like 30 minutes later Miss Thang got up off the floor and she was like "Yeah, Ahmed will get you fake ID. But you'll have to leave Brian tonight. Go home get your shit and meet us here."

At that point all the footballers on the tv took their clothes off and started shagging - it was't a real football match, just one of those Triga porn films what the manager had put on. Miss Thang was like "OK, time to go Ahmed my lovely!" so we left.

I got home and there was like no lights on, cos we could't afford our leccy. I was packing all my bags and stuff in the bedroom. I didn't here Brian come in. But he must have come in quietly as he caught me with the suitcase on the bed and full of all my cut-off tops.

He seemed different to normal and was all hyper. I wondered if someone had given him some drugs. "Jamie! Jamie! I have something amazing to tell you." he said. "I've won the lottery. £234,345! We're rich Jamie! We can leave this awful flat and get a proper house an a car and have a holiday an everything!!!"

Then he noticed the suitcase on the bed and he stopped talking.

"I was just..." I said. But I couldn't think of anything to say.

"I know." He said, like really quietly and really sad. "Put your stuff away Jamie. We have some selebrating to do."

So I did. And we went to that posh pizzaland and had like a starter and everything!!!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Miss Thang settles down (sort of)

Miss Thang came to visit me and Brian last night. We didn't recognise her at first because she
was wearing one of those black head-to-to viel things, with just a little slit for the eyes. As she is 6 foot 8,she looked quite scary, and we thought it was a Halloween costume.

"It's my new boyfriend", she explained. "He's called Ahmed. He thinks I'm a real woman, and we're going to get married. I'm converting to Muslim and have to take on all their customs and shit." Apparently they met in Sainsburys. Miss Thang was shoplifting and got caught, and this Ahmed guy is like the manager of the shop. She offered him sex so he wouldn't prosecute her, and they fell in love (I can vouch that she does give good blow jobs, especially if you like pain).

I was like "what the fuck?" because how can anyone not know that Miss Thang is not really a fella? I mean, I love her to bits and all, but she is like the worst drag queen in the world - when she puts her lipstick on, her lipline starts on her NECK and ends on her FOREHEAD. And she only shaves like once every two weeks, so there's usually loads of beard stubble. She has the biggest Adam's Apple ever and a really really deep voice.

Anyway, Miss Thang said "Ahmed's coming round in a few minutes, so you can meet him. Though don't act like you're gay cos they don't approve of that."

So he shows up at our flat, and Miss Thang is all over him, sitting on his knee (god knows how she didn't break his legs as she's like twice as big as him) and cooing over him, picking off bits of fluff off his suit and calling him "darling" and "sweetcakes" and all this shit. They are clearly like totally in love, because he couldn't keep his eyes (or hands) off her, and they kept talking in like Arabic or something. They started snogging on our couch, and before me or Brian could say "stop!", she had unzipped him and had his cock out in front of us. Brian was like REALLY SHOCKED cos he dosn't even like porn in the house. Luckily, it didn't last very long - and this Ahmed came all over the place in a few seconds. Brian was disgusted. "How am I supposed to get that stain out of the sofa?" he said. "It's Laura Ashley!!!"

Miss Thang was like "oh fuck off! How dare you violate my RIIIIIGHTTT to express my sexuality in any way I please?" And then Ahmed joined in as well, getting all angry and doing all this swearing and cursing in Arabic. They got quite scary, so we ended up having to leave the flat and run away from them.

We went back at midnight, and they'd gone, though Miss Thang had smeared shit everywhere and put her foot through the tv. She's such a vicious cow.