Sunday, September 24, 2006

My FAB wedding day

Look bitches, like I know I havent been updating like night and day like what you want me to, but I have like A LIFE? you know? I cant be doing with these people who spend all there time on there computers cos like life is for living whatever.

Anyway, I suppose you all want to know about my recent marraige to Brian. What an amazing day. We had hired our fab local gay club Climax 2000 to have the ceremony and reception and shit. And Brian had spent like £1000 on the food and on our outfits - matching white leather suits! Classy! Needless to say, I looked gorgeous. Debbie, Miss Thang, Keith and Barbara were like the bridesmaids. I made them all wear these fluffy peach cinderella dresses - hilarious! And the food - as much butterscotch angel delight as you could eat! Walkers crisps everywhere (3 flavours - bacon, prawn cocktail and plain), kiora (that's orange squash), and loads of posh Mr Kipling cakes. Fab or what! I bet you are dead jealous. I wanted it to be classy and "understated" and that's what I got. Even the photos we had taken were all done in black and white - and were "artist" rather than rude - with Debbie only getting her tits out on 17 of them.

Brian was in a right tizz for the three weeks leading up to the wedding, with so much organising to do. I was supposed to organise some stuff too, but like, that's not like my thing OK, so I just let him do it. He didnt mind, he was so happy. He kept saying "I cant believe its happening Jamie, I've been wanting this for so long. I love you so much!" and stuff. I was all like "Yeah, weird isnt it!"

Anyway, before the ceremoy started Miss Thang said "hey Jamie, do you fancy getting off your head on your own wedding day? Wouldn't that be a fucking laugh love?" So I was like "OK, yeah, kewl!" So she was like "Frankie, The new DJ at Climax 2000 is a dealer. Come on, let's get us sorted." So we went to where Frankie was, and I'd never met him before. But he was dead good looking and butch, wearing just a leather jacket and no shirt (bit hairy pecs what hed had peerced) and cool shaved hair and loads of tattoos and shit. Miss Thang was like "Jamie, this is Frankie." And Frankie was like "So you're like getting married today are you? Pity. Cos I was gonna offer to shag your little arse from here to next week, ya little bitch!"

And Miss Thang was all "Oh I wouldnt let that stop you! There's still half an hour to go yet, go on, get in the loos out back. I'll give you a shout when the ceremony starts Jamie."

So we go off in the toilets and Frankie rips off my white suit, bends me over the toilet and rams it up there. He's dead good at sex stuff and has me screaming like a bitch in heat! Then I hear this voice say "Oh Jamie! Not on our WEDDING DAY!" And it's Brian standing there, looking like in SHOCK! And Miss Thang's standing right behind him and she's got this great big evil smile on her face and she goes "Oops! Brian asked me where you were and I forgot you were getting shagged by Frankie in here! HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAA!!"

So Brian rushed out in tears. And I'm like "Oh god, I suppose I should go after him." But Frankie's like "I'm not finished with ya yet," so he pushes me back over the loo and does it all over again. About 2 hours later I stagger outside and Brian's sitting on the steps, all crying still. And he goes "Oh Jamie. I know you don't love me in the same way I love you. But why do you always hurt me?"

And I'm like "I dunno. Maybe it's cos your old and fat." Cos like, honesty is like really important and I hate people who are fake and plastic and dont say what they mean.

And Brian says "Even though you've really hurt me today. We can make this a fresh start. A new beginning. I still want to marry you. Even though I know what youre like."

And I'm like "Well, actually, I cant be bothered to marry you. Frankie just asked me to be like his new shag-toy and I've said yes. And he said he doesnt want me to marry you as I have to like be at his beck and call."

Brian just like gulped air and said nothing.

So I go "See ya round babe!" and got up and went back inside. Well, I didnt want to spoil the big party. I went up to Frankie and gave him a big wet kiss on the mouth. And then I was like "Get me some fucking butterscotch angel delight. Let's get this party started!" And Miss Thang gave one of her big shrieky screams and Frankie put "Tragedy" by Steps on and we all danced!

What a fab day!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Gay Stars - heed my advice and judgments!!

As everyone knows, one day (soon - next month probly) I will be famous and like have my own tv channel Jamie4Uvision where I will be followed round by cameras, like 24/7. However, there are already some bitches who have beaten me to being famous - cos they're like so very old and have been clawing there way up the ladder to fame forever! Here's my opinions on the gay "stars" of today - and if I feel kindly, I might offer them some free advice, which if they have any sense, they will listen to. Cos I'm like always right.

Alistair Appleton

Another one who's practically bald! The last time I slagged him off I like got death threats from all these crazy stalkers with no lives who are like in love with him. I was like "look love, if youre stalking Alistair Appleton then you have self-esteem issues. You do know you can like get counselling on the NHS nowadays..." My friend Keith thinks he's hot (enough said) and got me to read his blog but it was so boreing I fell asleep and split Fanta all over my computer keyboard. So Alistair you owe me a new keyboard bitch! How about NOT spending your next paycheck on hair plugs (no-one's convinced) and sending some of it my way???

Justin and Colin

I don't like this pair. They're so straight-acting - it's like their in denial about being gay or something! Self-integralising HOMOFOBIA!!! Also, I can't be doing with the Welsh. Are they a real couple? I don't think so!!! Their relationship is just for the cameras. Im betting they HATE each other in real life, like Baby Jane and Blanche (that's a film from like 1920 that Miss Thang made me watch). And I bet once the cameras are turned off they turn into a right pair of sissy queen bitches!

Brian Dowling

My God! Does he not know you can have liposuction done on your face? He looks about 45 now. What is that hairstile all about? Is it 1991 or something still? And those eyebags wont do - he looks like he should be taking orders at McDonalds on Charnock Richard Motorway Services.

There's more mingalicious pics on his website.

Dale Winton

He looks like Miss Thang when she's halfway through putting her drag costume on. I can't be doing with him - though I'd probably let him give me a blow job if there was £10 in it I suppose. I bet he smells funny.

Andrew Hayden-Smith

URRRRGH. What a right minga! Looks like someone got his wig on the wrong way round again! Also - check out his oily t-zone. Dont these people like have assistants who hover around them with a sanitary wipe? Also - eyebrow tweezers!!! Use them bitch... (I love helping)

Lowri Turner

A big drag queen, just like Divine - Miss Thang thinks she is like the best DQ ever and bases her entire act on everything that Lowri says and does. All I can say is that "she" needs to do something about those big man's hands and massive fella's chin and boxer's nose. It's like you can't be a proper drag queen if you just look like you're a bloke who's throw on your wifes dress when she's down at Netto. I would offer more tips but quite frankly, I'm wore myself out helping Andrew Hayden-Smith, so this one's on his own.

My wedding list

Well! I have had so many emails from you all saying I shouldnt get married to Brian - I know why, it is cos you is all jealous and want me 4 yourselves. Well you neednt worry - I'm not going to stop been a slag just cos I'm getting married. Just so you know. LOL!

Anyway, there is so much to do to prepare for my wedding! I just cant sit still for a second, it's like I have worms or something (actually I think I do have worms, but wotever!) I have registered my wedding at Clone Zone - a fab gay shop that I love. Here are some of the things I need for my wedding, so get yourself over to Clone Zone and buy me something, bitches!.

I'm going to be wearing this jockstrap as part of my wedding outfit (I'll also wear a veil as well so I'll look classy rather than like a right slut.)

I love gay pride, don't you? Everything at my wedding is going to be either pink triangles or rainbow flags. I want a wedding cake shaped like a pink triangle and all my guests will have to wear pink or rainbow colours otherwise they won't be allowed in. This rainbow feather boa will complete my wedding ensemble - I will do a sexy dance with it as I walk down the aisle - everyone will love that!

I want this cd of pumpin' gay club anthems to be played as my "bridal march". I love NRG I do.

We probably won't bother with a wedding meal or anything. We'll just go straight to Climax 2000. So a few bottles of poppers will come in handy.

This leather sling will be my "honeymoon suite". I just plan to get myself strapped into it on my wedding night and let the fun begin!

Oh, and I might need some bedtime reading to get me in the mood, cos let's face it, Brian's practically old enough to be my grandma.