Thursday, August 31, 2006

Burn Jamie Burn! Disco infernoe

As you all know, I have had a run of bad luck lately, what with my ex-second best freind Keith stealing my hunky boyfreind Johnson, and then becoming bulimick and haveing a stalker leave a fish on my doorstep and being fined £800 for cottaging. So as to cheer me up, Brian decided to have a party for me. I was all like "I don't want no fucking party!" at first, but Brian said "OK then, we won't have one." SO I said "I suppose I could have a party, but only if you spend lots of money and there's a theme and stuff."

So we decided to have the 1970s as a theme and we all had a fab time planning our 1970s outfits to wear. Miss Thang came as "Abba after a car-wreck". She managed to be all 4 members of Abba at the same time, and I think she used actual human blood to make the "car-wreck" look authentick. Debbie went as a disco glitter ball - she is the right shape so she just got me to wrap loads of tin foil round her body. I went as a streaker (cos they were dead popular in the 1970s), and I know that everyone likes it when I go clothing-optional. Brian went as Farrah Fawcett from Charlie's Angels. As for Barbara, well, she just came in her regular clothes - an enormous orange wigwam thing, with her glasses and frizzy ginger hair poking out of the top. Miss Thang said "The 70s never really ended for Barbra, did they. She just went 1977, 1978, 1979, the ninteen seventy ten, nineteen seventy eleven and so on."

Anyway, Brian stuck loads of 1970s posters and stuff round the house and we got lava lamps and stuff and the flat looked fab! There were loads of people there and we all danced to great classic 1970s songs by groups I'd never heard of like "Yazz and the Plastic Population" and "Glorian Estafan and the Miami Sound Machine!" Fab. I love disco!

I was danceing with Miss Thang and she said "I know I don't look old enough, but I remember the 70s from the first time around Jamie. And they were fucking great!" I said "What was the best thing about the 70s?" and she said "The BAREBACKING! In those days you could have used my ass as a fucking pritt-stick. If I didn't stuff a handful of tampons up there then I'd be leaving a snail trail where-ever I went. HA HA HAAAAAAA!" (I think she had been taking a lot of LSD)

Somehow, Keith and Johnson had been invited (bitches!) and they turned up dressed in this crap outfit. I was like "What have you come as? The Nolan Sisters? And Keith was "No, we're Starsky and Hutch." Whateva!!!! They were really getting on my nerves, doing close-danceing and snogging and stuff. So I decided to make them jealous by danceing with Brian and makeing a big fuss of him(for once). I could tell he was really pleased. Cos he stopped the music and stood up and said "In front of all our friends, Jamie, I would like to ask you if you would be my civil partner!" And he opens this box and gets out this ring and goes on one knee. And everyone goes "ahhhhhh!" and "how lovely!" and stuff. So I look at Keith and Johnson, and they both look really happy. So I say "Yeah, whatever." Brian bursts into tears and Barabra farts very loudly at that point so we all have to leave the flat for 15 minutes as it smells of dead dogs.

Miss Thang comes up to me later and she's like "You do know your makeing a huge mistake, but who cares, I get to be a fucking bridesmaid!"

But all I can think about is all the presents and attention I'm gonna get. And how jealous Keith and Johnson will be. Those are 2 great reasons to get married, aren't they?

X-rated factor

People keep emailing to say was I on the X factor on Saturday. Apparently this is the clip

Well, first, I should say that there are some superfishal similarities. We have the same voice and dancing style and the same hairstyle, although I have blonde highlights. Also, he's too fat to me. And he's a bit on the butch side to be me.

Also, I would of come on just wearing a gold jockstrap and sprinkled glitter everywhere. That would at least have ensured that Louie Walsh would have said "yes" to me. Old men like him can't resist me. Maybe they should do a porn-star X factor. I'm sure I'd win that!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


I woke up this morning at 10am (which is early for me - I normally don't get up until dinnertime as I never get to bed before 5 in the morning). Anyway, I heard this woman screaming downstairs outside. So I got up, and went downstairs to see what it was all about (there's always women fighting in our street - they could just cancel Trisha and point a couple of cameras here!)

Anyway,it turns out it wasn't a woman. It was Brian (he has a really girly scream). And he's pointing at the front step of our house. Someone has left a huge fish on it. He's like histerical or something so I have to drag him inside. 'Who would leave a fish on our doorstep?" he keeps saying. I'm like "Oh be quiet. It's just my stalker. You should be pleased for me. Only beautiful people inspire stalkers.'

But Brian can't stop screaming and he's like "I have to phone the police now!" So he phones them and like, later on that day, these 2 policemen come out. I had been like saying what a bad idea it was to get them involved, but when I saw these guys I was like "Oh yes, come to Jamie!" They were both like 6ft 4 and built like a brick shit-house. There outfits were too tight for them so I could see their bulging muscles and huge packages. Yum! They both had wedding rings on - but their hands were so big they could of been cock-rings.

Anyway, I was like, "you've caught me about to have a bath." So I took all my clothes off and wrapped like a flannel round my waist and let them interview me like that. I kept shifting position to the flannel kept falling off. I could tell they were both really into me, even though they were straight. I was like "I cant help it if I have a stalker - it's cos I'm so good-looking innit, every man I meet wants to fuck me!" And I let the flannel fall to the floor, and then I'm like "Oops! I'd better pick that up." So I bend over so they can get a good look at my ass. I can tell they're both like salivating and horny as hell. One of the police then asks Brian if he will leave the room. And I think "Oh yes, now I'm going to have a 3-some with 2 sexy policemen."

But then one of them says "We asked your partner to leave because this might be embarrasing for you. You were given a caution for soliciting for sexual partners on nineteen seperate occasions in the toilets in the park last month. You did not show up for your court hearing and you have been fined £800. You need to pay the fees or you could face a prison sentence."

I was like "whaattt?!" So I go "Well, can't we come to an arrangement? And I get on my knees and start crawling over to where they are sitting.'

But one of them goes "What are you doing? It is an offence to try to bribe a police officer with sexual favours" or something like that.

So I go "Oh my god! This is HOMOFOBIA isn't it! I could go to the papers and get like loads of money cos of this."

And they laugh and get up. Then one of them says "Look lad, nice try. But we're not interested in you. We only go for 16 year olds with bigger cocks than yours. Make sure you pay the fine." And they go out. Bloody police!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The call is coming from inside the building...

I got this email yesterday. It says:

"Dear Jamie. You don't know me but I know where you live and have been watching you for several months now. You are a dirty little bitch. I have some of your dirty underwear that you threw in your bin and I am wearing it right now. I followed you to the park last week and watched as you let filthy old men paw over your body. Jesus Christ came to me in a dream and told me that you are bad and must be redeemed. You are going to come and live in my cellar and keep me company all the time. I will dress you in my dead mother's clothes and you will only be allowed to eat fish because that's what mother only let me eat. I will be coming for you soon. We will be saying the Lord's Prayer together a lot. You do know the Lord's Prayer, don't you?"

Oh my God!

I'm so happy. I have my own stalker. Just when I think that I'm ugly and nobody loves me, then I get rewarded with a stalker. All the celebrities have one! And I'm the only one I know who has one round here. I showed the email to Debbie and Barbara and Miss Thing and they were sooooo jealous. "You're so lucky Jamie!" said Debbie. "I'd give anything to have a stalker and someone go through my bins and want to make me wear their mother's clothes and stuff." Brian had to go and put a dampener on it (typical!) by getting all worried and upset and wanting to phone the police and move house and stuff. God he's such a drama queen. He's just jealous cos nobody would ever want to stalk him. Except maybe the fashion police. Brown slip-ons and a cardigan! God, now that's a reason to lock someone in a cellar.

Anyway, I've been hanging around outside late at night, hopeing that my stalker will try and kidnap me, but no luck so far. If you're reading this stalker then you'd better hurry up, cos I'm almost bored of you and I'm sure there are loads of more interesting people out there who could do a better job of stalking me. Oh, and by the way. I don't eat fish and I only wear old ladies clothes for Halloween, so you'd better spend some of your dole money and get me the latest DKNY and McDonalds.

Monday, August 28, 2006

God my life is like an episode of Trisha or something

So as you know, my "hot date" Johnson, turned out to be a complete stuck up bitch. Well! I have never been turned down before EVER!!! So as you can imagine, the last couple of days have been hell for me, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I must admit that I am getting older all the time, and will soon be 19. God! I can't bear it. 19! My life will be over. OVER! Who's going to want a 19 yeara old? I also took all my clothes off and looked at myself in the mirror. Normally, I am really pleased with how I look. Having 0% body fat and everything. But then I looked a little closer and when I bent over and really puffed out my stomach, I looked like I might be... I can't say it...... average!!!!

Anyway, I have decided that the only thing to do to make everyone love me again is to become bulimick. Just like my role model Nikki from Big Brother. So I immediately went into the loo and stuck my fingers down my throat until I made myself sick. It was horrible. But I looked in the mirror afterwards and could tell that I looked thinner, so that made me feel a bit better. Then Brian shouted upstairs "Jamie, it's teatime. Come and get this lovely lasagne I've made for you!"

And I rushed downstairs and there it was. This huge plate full of evil hateful carbs and fat. Cheese! Pasta! "Is this some kind of JOKE!" I screamed at him. "Do you want me to KILL MYSELF???" "Jamie, Jamie, what do you mean?" he asked, getting all upset. "You must HATE ME!" I yelled. "You KNOW I don't eat FUCKING CARBS!" I was so mad I got the plate and threw it at the wall, where it hit his lifesize poster of Captain Kathrin Janeway right in the face. "Jamie! What have you done? I'm sorry. I love you. Can't we talk about this?" Brian cried. But I wasn't in the mood for listening so I ran into the street, crying, cos he is so crap and hateful to me whenever we fight. I swear, I'm like an abused partner. I feel like phoneing one of them phone lines and haveing him arrested.

So I text Debbie and Keith and Barabara and Miss Thang and I'm like "You all have to meet me at Climax 2000. I am having a nervouse breakdown and need you all to drop everything and be there for me, otherwise I may kill myself." So they all came of course, although Keith was almost 3 minutes late (bitch). And I poured out my story to everyone. They were all really simpathetic. Miss Thang was like "Right, I'll get that bitch Johnson barred from Climax 2000." And Debbie was like "I'm gonna sit on his face and not in a good way." (there never is a good way if Debbie sits on your face but never mind), but Keith was just all quiet. And I'm like "what's up with you fucker?" And he's like "Jamie I have something to tell you. Me and Johnson are seeing each other!!!!!!"

God! My life is so much drama. So I go "Whhhhaaaaaaaattt?" And Keith is like, backing out the door at this time. I can't believe that like my second best freind has betrayed me like this. What a spiteful, evil bitch, stealing MY BOYFRIEND. Needless to say, we went round his house and threw eggs at it and painted "KEITH IS A HORE!" on the door. That'll show him.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

My hot date

My life is so like Sex in the City right now. So anyway, as everybody knows, I have decided to get a new boyfriend (while keeping my old boyfriend Brian around as inshurance). I have my sites set on Johnson, this hot new guy. Though I must admit, I dont know how to get a boyfriend, cos, I've never like, had to ask anyone before. They always ask me, and I normally say no cos they're mingaz, but sometimes I say yes. Anyways, the point is, I've never had to "work" for it.

So I decided to just hang out at the Starbucks where Johnson works, to give him the chance to ask me out. God! I must have spent like about £5 on drinks as I sat there all day, reading Heat and sometimes smiling at him. But he didnt get the hint and just got on with his work. Bitch! Debbie was like "do you want me to ask him out for you?" So I said, "OK, if you must." So she went up to the counter and was all "hey Johnson, Jamie wants you to fuck him, how about it then?" And I didn't hear what Johnson said back to her. But a few minutes later Debbie came back over and said "He said he'll go out with you, for a meal. But no sex. He ain't that sort of boy." What the HELL is that supposed to mean? Everyone's that sort of boy. Especially when it comes to ME! I was all of a mind to go over to him and say "Look bitch, everyone round here wants to fuck me and I don't give it away on a plate so think youreself lucky who do you think you are anyway, you only work in a SHOP!" But Debbie held me back and said "He's probalby shy and didn't want to tell me what he wants."

So anyway, that night we had our date. Do you want to know what I wore? I "Customised" a pair of jeans by doing loads of rips in them and not wearing any underwear, so you could see most of my bits and bobs and bum through the rips! Hot stuff, yet also classy! I also wore more fabulous "Why Haven't you fucked me yet?" t-shirt. On the back it says "Cos your a minger!" And I've cut holes out where the nipples should be. I also wore some of Debbie's high heels, to make myself look a bit taller. I used like 3 jars of hair jell on myself also and Debbie put extra blonde highlights in for me. So I was looking like hot shit and EVERYONE was stairing at me all night.

So I met Johnson outside Starbucks and he was like "where did you want to go for our meal?" So I said "How about Greggs? We can get a couple of pasties if you like and eat them at in the waiting room of the bus station." And he looked shocked like I'd just offered to eat out his granny or summat. So I'm like, "Oh, is that not good enough for ya? Where do you wanna go? Somewhere posh I bet?"

And he's "no no no. How about Pizza Hut." Pizza Hut! That's like a REAL restraunt and shit. What does he think I am? Made of money? So we end up going in there and all these posh snooty waiters are looking down on me cos my cock is hanging out of my jeans and everything. Anyway, we dont bother with the menu cos I cant understand any of the stuff on it. Like what is a pizza mahgertita? Anyone? What is mozzzzzareelo cheese? There was a buffet thing, so we decided to have that. But they gave us this stingy small plate and we were only allowed one trip to the buffet. So I decided to load up the plate as much as I could. I just got loads and loads of stuff on it, so it was all piled up high like a big tower. Anyway, I started to walk back to my seat with his massive plate full of food, but I'd like forgot I was in high heels and I fell over! All the food went flying everywhere and most of it went on Johnson. He was like dead upset I could see "This shirt is from Next!" he said, going all red and angry. I have no idea what "Next" is. THen the waiter comes over and is all "I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You are causing a disturbance and your fancy dress costume is offending the other customers."

And I'm like "Whatever! It's high fashion and everyone in London is wearing this now. God!" So we get kicked out. I say to Johnson "So do you wanna fuck me now in one of the loos in the park?" But he just gives me this look and says "Your friend told me that you were special. I see now she meant SPECIAL NEEDS!" And he flounces off. Bitch!

So I go off to the park on my own and let 18 guys have their way with me. God! I can barely walk this morning. See, who's laughing now Johnson?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Starbucks-crossed lovers

So, I decided to do some detective work and got my spy network to find out about the new person at Climax 2000 last nite. Debbie who knows EVEFRYONE found out who he was. Though I had to buy her like 3 kitkats before she would tell me. Then she’s like, “come with me.” So I get up and we go down the town centre and Debbie stops outside this dead stuck-up coffee shop place called Starbucks. We never go in it cos it is like so expensive – I’m sorry but I’ll never pay more than a pound for a drink. And its always full of these anscient women (like 30 or somethning) with crap died hair and stupid handbags going “Can I have a skinny latty café mochamachino.” Whatever! As everyone knows I only ever drink fanta unless I’m clubbing. So I’m like “I’m not going in there!” But Debbie pushes me in (she’s very strong). And then I look behind the counter and there’s the hot guy, and he’s wearing this tight black shirt which shows off his massive pecs and big thick arms and he is making coffee or something. And on his shirt is a name tag that says “Johnson”. And I’m like “That’s a SURNAME. It’s not a proper first name. Who IS this person?” Anyway, we have to queue for like fifteen minutes to get a drink, cos this Johnson takes ages to make the drinks – the milk has to be made frothy with this machine and its so fucking complicated. And all the stupid women in front of us cant decide what they want so they take ages making their mind up and its all “Shall I kiss my diet goodbye and have extra whipped cream Sandra?” I just wanted to scream “Oh my god, hurry the fuck up. It’s only a fucking cup of coffee!” Anyway, we get to the front of the queue, FINALLY! And this Johnson recognises us from the other nite. And he’s like “Oh hi, how are you?” like he’s like my best friend or something? And I was going to be all bad attitude and shit, but he was all nice to me and said my danceing was really good and asked all these questions about my routine and stuff. I hate it when people you don’t like are nice to you. So we just ended up haveing some fresh squeezed orange juice which was awful. It was so bitter – it tasted like battrey acid. I don’t know why they don’t just serve Kiora. That’s nice. And cheap.

Anyway Debbie’s like “he fancies you. That Johnson fancies you. Don’t you think so? He’s so goodlooking. I would die if someone like that fancied me.” And I looked across and he was smileing at me. “If you 2 were a couple, imagine that!” said Debbie. “You would be like the best-looking couple ever and everyone would be so jealous! And he must be on a good wage if he works here. With these prices!”

So we decided that I am going to have Johnson as my boyfriend. And we are going to be a power couple,like Posh and Becks. Johnson doesn’t know it yet, but we are destined to be in love and rule everyone. And my horoscope did say this morning “Possibly a romance might happen” So its like written in the stars or something.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I look good on the dancefloor, danceing to electropop like a robot from 1984

So anyways, something happened that I want to tell you about, last nite at Climax 2000 (it’s a hardware shop during the day but the owner, who is like this great big bear (that’s gay slang, god, what are you like!) called Maureen just pushes all the shelves to the sides of the room at nite and gets out a disco glitta ball and there you are – Climax 2000!). Maureen only has like about 4 cds to play on his gettoblaster so I sometimes take along modern music for him to play. Maureen also sticks up some pictures of hot naked guyz from Latin Inches and Honcho magazine on the walls to give Climax 2000 that authentic gay niteclub feel – and I’d swear, you would think you were danceing in like some big city like Blackburn or maybe even York!!! However, sometimes he forgets to take down the pics the next morning when it turns back into his hardware store, and sometimes some of the customers complain and stuff. Though sometimes they like it and he ends up making new friends, if you get my drift ha ha lol.

Here's a photo of Climax 2000 what I took with my mobile.

So anyway, there we were at Climax 2000 on Tuesday nite (the busy nite) and Miss Thang was doing her drag queen act on the stage – which Maureen makes out of stacking some pots of paint on top of each other. And I was showing off on the dance floor – EVERYONE was staring at me as usual cos I am the best dancer AND the best looking one there. And every time I went to the loo (which was like every 5 minutes, cos I’m so skinny I only have to drink like a mouthful of 20/20 and I have to go), everyone would follow me in there, hoping to get a glimpz of my cock and see if I would invite them into the lock-up loo with them – which I hardly ever do cos theyre all mingaz really. Its fab tho cos I never have to buy my own drinks, theres always loads of guys wanting to get to know me.

Anyways, I was doing my old dance routine from some Madonna and been the queen of the dance floor and everything. Then the door of the club opens and these people come in. And no-ones ever seen them before, so we all stare and glare at them, cos we hardly ever get any new people coming in. And theres like 4 of them, they’re all really old – like maybe 21 or 22. And three of them are complete mingaz. I like looked at them for a millisecond, judged them as NOT GOOD ENOUGH and then ignored them after that. One was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. God! Nobody cool is wearing that stuff any more. Like what year does he think it is? 2004? Another one had glasses on – and Jamie 4U never goes within like 100 meters of anyone wearing glasses, incase I have to have my photo taken and the glasses-wearer gets in the picture and people think like I am friends with someone who has glasses. God! The third one had ginjger hair. So forget it. Like have you heard of hair dye? The last one was OK-looking I suppose, though he knew he was the best of them (not hard) and looked like he thought he was hot shit. He had black hair and a leather jacket and an eye peercing.

So they get on the dance floor and start doing this dancing. And they’re all crap at it, except for the good-looking one with the peercing. And I look round the club and everyone’s like, watching him and talking about him and pointing at him and stuff. And I’m like “Whaaaaaaat!?” cos this never happens. And Miss Thang is on her microphone on the stage and she’s like “Hey, who’s the hot stuff in the leather jacket? Why don’t you come up here sweeetheart and let me suck you off!” She’s so vulgar. I hate her.

So anyway, I cant have this going on, so I decide to show everyone whos the best dancer. And I start doing my Britney Spears routine, which I only do like once a month – I save it for special occasions cos everyone loves me doing it and it always gets everyone looking with open mouths. And I’m doing Britney Spears, all the hand movements and stuff. But this hot guy then starts doing this other dance, which is dead complicated and he’s got this proper routine – he must be a professional dancer or something. And everyone starts clapping him. I’m like dead pissed off. And then we have a dance-off. That’s like when two people do dance moves at each other and the winner is the one who can do the best danceng. So I try Madonna’s vogue. But I get it a bit wrong and fall over and everyone laughs, including the hot guy. So I get up, slap Keith in the face for not helping me up and for almost laughing at me. And then I STORM off into the loos.

But for once I’m in there on my own. So I wait for like 20 minutes and promise that I’ll let the next one who comes in shag me, and not even in the lock-up, but right by the washbasin, so everyone’ll know. But nobody comes in. And when I go out, they’re all still buzzing round this hot guy. So I say to Brian “I’m going home, I don’t feel very well.” And normally, he’d be like “Oh my god, Jamie, we have to get you to the hospital!” but he just said “Yeah, OK” without looking at me. So I opened my mouth to scream but no words came out. And I ran outside and all the way home and then sat in the living room with all the lights off, in the dark for like 2 hours before Brian came home. I was going to tell him “It’s over!” But I fell asleep.

This is what it must be like to be just ordinary like everyone else and not like a celebrity in your own town and noticed and loved all the time. I cant have it! I wont have it!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Sex with a Hungry Hippo

There has been a problem with my comments for ages. How was I supposed to know I had to click "accept" or "reject" before they got shown? God. Computers are such hard work at times. Anyway, Keith's shown me how to do it and now you can post all the comments you like and they'll show up str8 away. I don't care what you say - abuse or love. I can take it all. I am a "power bottom" after all.

Thanx for all your private emails about my peom. There are too many to reply to but I have being inspired to share with you all some of my other writing. This is an erotick story I wrote for Debbie on her birthday. It's about me haveing sex with Robbie Wiliams (its not true obviously - just like a fantasy, though if youre reading this Robbie, email me and we can make it happen lol lol lol).

Robbie's like inside me

So anyways, me and my freinds Debbie, Keith and Miss Thang and Brian and Barabara were all at a Robbie concert at Wimbeldon and we had like really good seats, right at the front and stuff. And all the way thru it Robbie was stareing and me and singing at ME, especially like the love songs like "angels". And my freinds were all going "Robbie LOVES you Jamie!" but I was like playing it cool and shit.

So after it finishes, I decide to hang around to see what happens. And anyway, Robbie comes out and he walks up to me and he's all "Hey, do you wanna come backstage with me, I'm bored by myself and someone gave me this game of Hungry Hippos so maybe you wanna come and play it with me." And I'm "well, OK, but only for 10 minutes cos my bus is coming."

So we're in his dressing room and its massive and full of flowers and whatever. And we're playing Hungry Hippos, and chattin like we've known each other all our lives and guess what, we have like the same stuff in common. Like he's a big Christine Aglierea fan too and both our favorite colours are pink!!!! Then Robbie's like "let's make this interesting, whoever wins the game of Hungry Hippos has to take off an item of clothing". So we play, like 2 games and I lose them both and as I'm only wearing a thong and a "BOTTOM SLUT" visor anyway, I'm like totally naked.

And Robbie can't take his eyes off me. So I'm all like "I can't kiss cos I have an abcess, but you can fuck me if you like". So he takes off all his clothes and climbs on top of me. And I say "You could do with losing a bit of weight Robbie, like really - your tummy flab isn't very nice." And Robbie's "all, I'm sorry Jamie. I know I'm not worthy to have sex with you, I promise I'll become bulimic so next time you find me attractive."

Anyway, then we have sex and despite the fact I don't normally have sex with people with a 34 inch waist, it's fab, fab, fab. We, like, do it all over the room - I'm hangingoff the curtains and stuff. And Robbie cries when its finished. "I love you Jamie, please come and live with me!" But I'm "No, I told you Robbie. I have to get my bus!" And Robbie falls on the ground naked and is all "Oh god, I cant like, live without u!" And I'm "You disgust me. Lose 2 stone and we'll talk." And I walk out. And as I'm leaving I hear a gunshot, but I don't look back cos it was just sex for me and I cant' help it if guys kill themsleves after they've been with me.


I bet you're all hot and horny now eh? Needless to say, Debbie said my story was the best present she ever had, and she had to go off into the bathroom with it for like 3 hours (she's not a fast reader).

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Jamie4U - like how deep am I?

I had this email from some bitch yesterday and it say:

"Hey Jamie, you are such a cunt. You think you're hot shit but you're thick - why don't you put any pictures of yourself up here? Is it because you're ugly? And learn to spell you moron. You're a selfish, shallow, spiteful little queen and I was laughing my head off when I read about your STD and your failed porn career. You deserve all you get and I feel sorry for your friends."

Nice eh? Like I'm fucking bothered! They can kiss my ass. For every email I get like that I get like 20 begging me to be their boyfriend and telling me how brave I am for coming out so young and being myself.

And anyway, you bitches may think you know me, But you like don't. You don't even know it but I am like this really deep person who thinks about stuff, almost all the time. And to prove it, here's like a poem I wrote. It took me all last night to do. And I think it proves just how "shallow" I really am. Get ready to be blown away...


I am like, just me, you got me?
So you better know yourself bitch
if youre like gonna fuck with my shit K?

Boyz, girlz its like all the same.
It dont matter who you like.
Cos people are like, just shapes.
And it's like, you know.

And if you call me fag or queer or puff n stuff.
Then you need to get wit it.
Cos it's like 2006 and homofobia is so OVER!
Got it bitchez?

If I wanna wear body glitter
Or a see-thru black mesh top
Then it's just me being fabulous
And you need to get over yourself.

Cos I is feerce.
And I'm not gonna be put in your little box
And your words like don't harm me, OK.
So seeya, don't wanna be ya?


I know. I bet you are stunned. Can you believe that I got like an E for my English GSCE? I know.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Where's my Bottled Water?

So anyways, I had a text message from Mona saying "We need you in London bitch, get here right now." And she gave her address which was somewhere in Acton. So I put on my best outfit (white jeans cut off just below the crotch with rips in them, glitter in my hair, a pair of Debbie's pink stilletos and a black mesh t-shirt with holes where the nipples were. Oh and I wore my "Fabulous Bitch" necklace.) I had a couple of spots (just my luck on my big day) but I just put on loads of foundation so it covered it up. Anyways, I bought a train ticket and got a taxi to the address. London people are so rude and in your face. They were all shouting at me cos I didn't know where I was going "Get out of my way you big queer!" and stuff like that. God!

I knocked at the door and this little man with a goatee beard answers. And he looks at me and he's like "What?" but in a French accent. So I said "I'm Jamie and I'm here to be in the film." And he just ignored me and walked off and then I heard voices and its him and Mona shouting at each other and he's saying "You've gone too far this time Mona, what am I supposed to do with this one. It looks like like a retarded gerbil" and Mona's saying "Oh, For God's sake, have you forgotten - Tyler's dropped out. Where else are we going to get a cheap little slut at short notice who'll work for peanuts?" I have no idea who they were talking about. But anyway, they came back to the door after like half an hour and were all "I suppose you'd better come in anyway, whatever" and shit.

So the French one with the beard called Pierre said "So the other actors will be here in half an hour. Go upstairs and get changed into the clothes on the bed. And wipe all that shit off your face, get it?" So I went upstairs, and there's this tiny black leather jockstrap on the bed and a collar. Which I put on (and it looks quite good on me actually).
So I'm prancing around in it and Pierre comes back and I say "I'd like some bottled water please. And also can I have some Cheese and Onion Walkers Crisps" (cos I've read interviews in Heat with Christina Agliera and Beyonce and Naomi Campbell and stuff, and you have to make demands when youre a star). But Pierre doesnt even seem to notice Im talking to him. All he says is "get that jockstrap off. We don't need you anymore. Tyler turned up."

And in walks this vicious looking skinny queen with blonde streaks. And she's all "Well if you think I'm putting THAT on after it's been wearing it. I dont want scabies thanks."

So I said "I haven't got scabies, know yourself bitch!" (which is what Aislyne off Big Brother says and it's a dead good insult when you can't think of anything clever to say back). So this Tyler goes "I can't understand a word its saying. What sort of backwoods accent is that?" And then the bitch slaps me in the face like for NO reason.

So I slap back and we have this big girly slapping fight thing. Pierre and Mona are just standing there laughing. So I decide to pull out a clump of Tyler's hair. I grab hold of it, but then ALL his hair comes off. And guess what readers. He was wearing a WIG! You could see that underneath he was practically bald. His hairline started like on the top of his head and it was all reseding and horrible. Mona and Pierre were like "OH my GOD!" And Tyler's all "Give me back my hair you horrid bitch!"

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got thrown out into the streets, just wearing the leather jockstrap. And I had no money or nothing. So I had to go and give an old man a handjob in the toilets over the road just to get 50p so I could phone Brian. Even though it was like 1 in the morning by this point, he drove like 4 hours all the way to London to come and get me and take me home. When he saw me, shirvering in the cold he said "Oh Jamie." And I got in the car and I wasn't gonna cry. But I did for some reason cos I really did think this was gonna be my big chance to be a star. Still, when we got home, Brian made me spaghetti hoops on toast. And we watched an episode of the Golden Girls in bed. And just like that woman says in the film, tomorrow is another day. Nobody's gonna break me down. You got that bitches?

Monday, August 14, 2006

I'm gonna be a star!

What a weekend! You are gonna be like so jelous when you hear! So anyways, Miss Thang's agent was coming into town, all the way from LONDON, and she was going to watch Miss Thang peerform her cabaret act at Climax 2000 to see if she was good enough to be in this tv pilot thing.

She was called Mona and she was this 50 year old complete power-dressing BEETCH who was like a cross between Patsy and Edina from AbFab and Karen from Will and Grace. She's like dead famous and knows EVERYONE in London and has like people from Big Brother 2 on her books and stuff. She and Miss Thang pretend to like hate each other, and I came along with Miss Thang to meet Mona off the train and Mona was like "Gained weight Darren?" (Darren is Miss Thang's real name but she'll kill me if she finds out I told you) and Miss Thang was all "You smell. Have you washed out your cunt lately?" and "Love your nails darling, you could get a job giving abortions with them" and stuff like that and I was just ignored COMPLETELY, so I sulked for a bit.

Anyways, we walked through the town centre and got to the club and Mona was complaneing all the way -"I can't beleeve you live here!" she was saying to Miss Thang "It's like a bad flashback to 1976! It's so provinshil. I've never seen so many mullets. It would be nice if you were a lesbian I suppose." And she was shrieking with laughter at all our local shops like "A Snip Above the Rest" where I got my hair tipped (and it's dead good actually!) and "Bargain Booze".

So we got to Climax 2000 and Mona sat down with a drink to watch Miss Thang's act. And she was dead bored. Then she noticed me and she was like "So who are you then? What are you about?" And I was like "I'm Jamie and I'm a shelfstacker in a supermarket for now but I'm gonna be famous you just see!" And she spluttered out her drink everywhere and was like "Whaaaaaat???? Are you for real? Are you on DRUGS?" So I said "I only had an E." And she was like "Oh sweetheart. You are priceless." Then she looked me up and down over the top of her glasses and she was like "Well, with that said, the bulimick, washed out, fake-tan pretty-boy look is actually quite fashionable at the moment. Are you a power-bottom?" And I was like "What does that mean?" And she said "WHat's the most guys who've fucked you in one night sweetheart?" So I counted and was like "Nine, no ten, no wait, thirteen, no..." and she held up her hand and said "Princess, you ARE a power bottom."

Then she fished in her handbag (which was a Lacriox) and got out this DVD box called "Chav Power Bottom 5". And there was this picture of this naked skinny queen surrounded by all this big butch muscly naked skin-heads. And the skinny queen looked like the cat who'd got the cream. Mona said "I know the company who do these films. Actually, it's my flatmate Pierre. He's a fucking frog, but he knows all the best dealers in London so I love him. Anyway darling, he's looking for the star of Chav Power Bottom 6 and I have a feeling it could be YOU!"

Can you beleeve it? I'm going to fulfil my dream and go to
LONDON and be in a film and be famous. Everyone is dead dead jealous. And Miss Thang is FUHRIOUS cos Mona didn't like her act and instead wants me. Brian was all like, "don't do it. London people are evil". But fuck him. He's just jealuos too.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Why does it hurt to wee?

For some reason I've not been feeling well lately. Everytime I have a wee it stings, and there's this thick yellow stuff that keeps leaking out of my willy and leeving staines on my knickers. Ive tried just ignoreing it and hopeing it will go away on it's own, but its just gettig worse. I told Miss Thang about it and she was like "You've got the CLAP!" and she clapped her hands and screamed with laughter in my face. I probably shouldn't have told her while we was in our local gay club Climax 2000, because she make a beeline for the stage, grabbed the microphone and shouted "Jamie's got the siff and gonorrehahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!"
She's such a beetch! I hate her sometimes.

Everyone was like laughing at me and stuff. I felt so crap, so I pulled over a table, spilling everyone's drinks onto them and flounced out. (Well, actually I was barred for a week for causing a disturbance).

Keith ran after me and he was like "Jamie oh my god I'm so worried about you, you have to go to the sexual health clinic and get sorted out." And I was like "Furget it bitch! I'm not going down there, they put a syringe up your cock and stuff!" But I was in so much pain that I was crying. And as you all know, Keith is like IN LOVE with me (who isn't?) So he had an idea. He was like "How about I go to the clinic for you and get the medicine and you can have it."

So I was like "Yeah thicko, but you don't have no simptons so they won't give you any medicine." And Keith then said "I know a way I can get some simptoms." And he gave me this look and was all smiling and shit.

So anyways, to cut a long story short, Keith was having the burns when he weed in a few days. And he went to the clinic and they gave him the medicine - he asked for two doses as he said the other was for his boyfreind (in his fucking DREAMZ!!!)

So I'm cured again. Hurrah. Actually, I only took half the antibiotics cos it seemed to clear up after a few days. And I couldn't be bothered to keep taking the tablets for the full week. Whats the point?

To celebrate my newfound disease-free status, I'm off cottaging tonight. I'm hoping to break my personal best of 23 in one night. If you're interested I'll be hanging round the loos by the Hippodrome between 7 and 10. But only come if you're like 18 and fit. Ha.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Jamie Most Haunted

Anyways, so last night Brian was all exited because of this stupid "Haunted and Celebrity walking tour" of the town centre which was organised by his boring gay group. He was all like "Jamie will you come with me" and I was like "oh my god fuck off". But he said he'd pay me £20 so I ended up going with him.

And god it was sooooooo crap. Like being back at school. When we got there, there was this group of ancient old gays standing round in tight t-shirts - the youngest one must have been 30. It was as if someone had spilt a big packet of walnuts over the floor and then they'd all been magically grown to 5ft tall - I've never seen so many wrinkled faces. Bleurgh. Anyway, you could tell they'd never talked to anyone my age before as they all kept stairing at me and trying to stand next to me and shit. I was like "talk to the hand beetch cos Jamie4U don't do charity, GOT IT?"

Anyway, the tour started and it was so boring, I fell asleep like 18 times or something. And the guide was this 100-year old drag-queen on her day off who started talking about some old cow called Shelly Bassey or something. It was all "Shelly Bassey did a shit here" and "Shelly Bassey pissed up against this wall in 1872" and all this. And all the ancient gays on the tour were like "whoo" and "how interesting" and taking photos and making notes in there sad little notebooks and whatever. Christ! Then the guide looked at me and was all like "you might find this interesting young man... Dannie Minogue stayed in this hotel 5 years ago." So I said "For Chrissakes, no-one's listening to HER anymore. Can't you tell me something about the Pussycat Dolls?" But no-body had even heard of them, suprise suprise. What do you expect from a load of retired, practically deaf old grannies? God, when I get to 30 and have to retire, I'll at least have the decency to either have a facelift or never go outside so I don't offend anyone.

Anyway, afters we ended up at this dive pub and everyone was trying to buy me drinks and I got 25 phone numbers. I also made £10 in the toilets upstairs, giving about 5 of them hand shandys. So it wasn't a completely wasted night I suppose. Oh, and I forgot to say, but I think I had a pshycic experience on the tour at one bit. We was by this haunted cinema where some lad had been murdered like 80 years ago or something in the 1960s. And I was just standing there, chilling out and shit, and this cute lad comes up and stands next to me and he's wearing like army clothes, like he's in World War II. And I'm like "hi, have we fucked before?" And he's all "No, but come round the back with me Jamie..." And I'm about to go with him, and Brian goes "WHo are you talking to?" And when I look round there's no-one there!!!!! So I think I got cruized by the ghost!! Can you believe it? That stuff is always happening to me. Anyway, I'm bored of you now so fuck off!