Friday, February 10, 2006

I want those puppies

Although those 8 puppies seemed like a good idea at the time, it was actually like a crap idea, cos they poo all the time and are always crying. We have to let them sleep in our bed all night and they wee everywhere. Bloody things. Anyways, at least its keeping Brian busy so hes not pestering me for sex any more.

The other night Brian was going out with his sad gay geek freinds to see BackBreak Moutain or something - this crap film about gay cowboys except you hardly get to see any cocks in it. Like what's the point of that? So anyway, while Brian was out I invited Debbie and Barbara and Keith and Miss Thang round so we could have a "porn party" as Miss Thang had some pirate DVDs of these prison medical examinations. Dirrrrrty!

So we got in, and all the puppies are running round like mad. And Miss Thang goes "Ooooooh Puppies! Lovely! This one can be my new hat and these two are going to be my gloves and this one is going to be my muff..." Barbara and Keith were like "nooooo! Don't kill the puppies!" But Miss Thang just did this evil laugh and went into the kitchen to get a knife, cos she like IS a bitch and would kill the puppies.

She came out of the kitchen with a fucking grate big kitchen knife and she's like "Come to Miss Thang you puppies, come and sacrifice yourselves to fashion!" And everyone else ran at her to try and stop her, and there was a struggle, and in the middle of it, somehow Debbie got pushed over and she fell on the sofa and we heard a yelp and when we looked under Debbie we saw a dead little puppy!!!!!

Debbie was histerical cos she loved all the puppies, and we were all like dead miserable. Miss Thang was all "Oh god, I was only joking. I wasn't going to kill any of them." And to prove that she wasn't really a bitch, she said "Give the dead one to me and I'll see it gets a decent burial." So we put it in a McDonalds bag and she went out.

We were all feeling dead miserable after that, and even the dirrrrty DVD didn't cheer us up. Brian came back later and we told him about the dead puppy and he started crying and blubbing like a big girl, which made us all feel worse. God! I hate feelings. Unless they're good ones like when someone fancies you.

Then, the door opens again, and Miss Thang comes in. But she's wearing a new hat. "Like the puppy hat?" she says. "Well, the puppy was dead after all so it seemed a shame to waste it." And Brian just goes "!!!!!!!!" And then he grabbed the kitchen knife and ran at Miss Thang. And there was another struggle. Somehow, Miss Thang got pushed into the kitchen and she fell onto the kitchen sink - her hand went down the plug-hole, and I don't know how it happened, but Brian must of accidentally pushed the button for the waste disposal thing - cos then there was a horrible noise from Miss Thang and when she pulled out her hand from the sink, it wasn't there!!!!! She was just waving a bloody stump around and laughing (cos she was on drugs and couldn't really feel any pain).

Somehow, we got her to the hospital and waited around for her all night. We could hear screaming and stuff coming from inside, and she didn't get out until the next day. And guess what, where her hand used to be, there's now a great big horrible hook. She doesn't seem to mind that much and says it's good at scaring children and she can use it as a can opener and she's very much in demand now on the s/m scene at least. But I think shes putting a brave face on it and is really really angry, Brian had better watch out. And the other 7 puppies.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

My new family

Brian has been feeling all broody since I moved back in with him and is "nesting" which is like my new word of the day. He's been skipping around putting doilies on the coffe table and those lacy net curtain things on the backs of the sofas. the flat looks like my Nanna's.

Anyway, everytime we go past Mothercare he gets all choked up and says "Jamie I want to have a child!" I'm like, "Look love, I don't know if you've noticed, but we both have cocks so it's not gonna work." So he was like "I know that Jamie, I'm not stupid. I was thinking of becoming a sperm donor to a lesbian couple. Wouldn't that be grate!"
I was all "whatever, I don't care." Anyway, he had been spending a lot of time on the interweb and I thought it was because he was looking at fratboy porn or summat, but he wasn't, he was contacting all these lesbian couples and offering his sperm (ugggh!)

And it must have paid off because last Sunday he said "Come on Jamie, we're meeting these two lesbians for dinner at Pizza Hut." I got dragged alone, even though I was watching The Golden Girls on Living TV. Anyway, we got there and the lesbians were in a bad mood from the start cos we were half an hour late (well you wouldn't expect me to go out without spending at least an hour on my hair and fake tan!) They were called Kaz (fat, with practically a beard) and Jean (miserable, little, Scottish). I didn't like them at all. Brian was tripping over himself to be nice, but it wasn't working. They pulled a face when we ordered a pepparoni pizza. "We'ze vegetarian!" said Jean, making her mouth go all small and wrinkly. "We would raise our child on soya and quorn." (what the fuck are they when they're at home." God they were boring! Their idea of "fun" was like to go walking in the lake District - wherever that is. "We don't approve of clubbing." In the end, I had had enough so I sneezed all in their stupid margeryita pizza. "You did that on purpose" said Kaz, and she was about to beat me up. I was all "Yeah bitch, whatreya gonna do about it?" And then we were all asked to leave.

"Well that's that then," I said afterwards when we got home. But Brian was all depressed and just went and sat on the settee and didn't even look happy when I put one of his boring Star Trek DVDs on. God!

Anyway, I mentioned it to Debbie and Keith the other night and Debbie was like "I know, why not get him a puppy. That's almost like having a baby." So we ended up going to this petshop and there was this cage with five puppies in the window. "They are so cute!" Debbie said. We couldn't decide which one to get so in the end we got them all. Well, we made Keith pay for them.

When we got them home, Brian was like "Oh Jamie! What have you done!" But I could tell he was happy because he didn't even complain when one of them pooed on the creme rug. See, all those peoples who said I'm all about me and just think of myself all the time. Well its not true. Anyway, I'm off out. I think the puppies have pooed again and I can't be arsed to clean it up. Brian'll do it.