Lotus Flower you are so outta here!
So anyways, I was complainin to Miss Thang about my current boyfriend (lack of) situation cos my ex Brian has shacked up with this camp Chinese fucker called Miss Lotus Flower or Lee or something. Miss Thang was all like "Don't worry bitch, let your fairy godfucker Miss Thang sort it all out." Her plan was that we pretend to be Lotus Flower's Best Friend in the World and then she said "Leave the rest up to me."
So I called round and said "How about a truce, meet me at the new FabUK gay club, The CockPit, and I'll buy you a drink." Lotus was natrually suspicious but went along, like we knew she would cos she's so cheap and never buys her own drinks or crisps even.
Anyways, have you been to the Cockpit? It's so kewl it's not true. Its name is like Cock and Pit put together - and that's even a room at the back what shows Bel Ami videos and you can get up to allsorts in there if you fancy. All the walls are painted gold and black and Miss Thang has just got a job there as the new drag queen DJ. She insults all the punters and makes the cute lads get up on stage so she can interfere with them. It's fab!
Anyway, she gave me this huge purple pill and said "Put it in Lotus Flower's drink, I got it from Mexico. It turns you into a sex-mad pig-slut." So I bought Lotus a tequila sunrise and popped the pill right in. It fizzed a bit but she didn't notice - the greedy bitch drank it down in one and then started bragging about her and Brian are going to have a civil partnership ceremony and they've booked Colstone Hall for it and have vowed to be monogomouse with each other like for ever and shit. There was more but I was so bored I just tuned her out and started playing Britney's Oops I did it Again over and over in my head (I love the classics) - some of these new gays have never even heard of Britney! Disgraceful.
So the pill started to work and I could see Lotus Flower starting to drool and get all hot and bothered like an old dog on heat. Some pensioner started giving her the glad eye and before you could say "Chlamidia!" she was off in the back room "just for a look". I gave it 30 seconds and then followed her in with my picture-phone. Needless to say, I was nearly blinded by the disgusting sight of Lotus being the buffet for about 10 gnarled old OAPs who must of thought all their birthdays had come at once. I took lots of pictures and then texted them to Brian's mobile.
Needless to say, it did the trick. Exit Lotus Flower. Forever. She's now leaving in a skip outside the graveyard - so she should at least be near her next new boyfriend. Brian BEGGED me to move back in with himand the first thing I did was light a huge bonfire and burn all those Chinese screens and cheap Muji furniture. And I have made him promise to take me and all my freinds to Blackpool for a fabUK weekend of fun fun fun. Can't weight!