Saturday, November 18, 2006

Miss Thang settles down (sort of)

Miss Thang came to visit me and Brian last night. We didn't recognise her at first because she
was wearing one of those black head-to-to viel things, with just a little slit for the eyes. As she is 6 foot 8,she looked quite scary, and we thought it was a Halloween costume.

"It's my new boyfriend", she explained. "He's called Ahmed. He thinks I'm a real woman, and we're going to get married. I'm converting to Muslim and have to take on all their customs and shit." Apparently they met in Sainsburys. Miss Thang was shoplifting and got caught, and this Ahmed guy is like the manager of the shop. She offered him sex so he wouldn't prosecute her, and they fell in love (I can vouch that she does give good blow jobs, especially if you like pain).

I was like "what the fuck?" because how can anyone not know that Miss Thang is not really a fella? I mean, I love her to bits and all, but she is like the worst drag queen in the world - when she puts her lipstick on, her lipline starts on her NECK and ends on her FOREHEAD. And she only shaves like once every two weeks, so there's usually loads of beard stubble. She has the biggest Adam's Apple ever and a really really deep voice.

Anyway, Miss Thang said "Ahmed's coming round in a few minutes, so you can meet him. Though don't act like you're gay cos they don't approve of that."

So he shows up at our flat, and Miss Thang is all over him, sitting on his knee (god knows how she didn't break his legs as she's like twice as big as him) and cooing over him, picking off bits of fluff off his suit and calling him "darling" and "sweetcakes" and all this shit. They are clearly like totally in love, because he couldn't keep his eyes (or hands) off her, and they kept talking in like Arabic or something. They started snogging on our couch, and before me or Brian could say "stop!", she had unzipped him and had his cock out in front of us. Brian was like REALLY SHOCKED cos he dosn't even like porn in the house. Luckily, it didn't last very long - and this Ahmed came all over the place in a few seconds. Brian was disgusted. "How am I supposed to get that stain out of the sofa?" he said. "It's Laura Ashley!!!"

Miss Thang was like "oh fuck off! How dare you violate my RIIIIIGHTTT to express my sexuality in any way I please?" And then Ahmed joined in as well, getting all angry and doing all this swearing and cursing in Arabic. They got quite scary, so we ended up having to leave the flat and run away from them.

We went back at midnight, and they'd gone, though Miss Thang had smeared shit everywhere and put her foot through the tv. She's such a vicious cow.


At 5:23 PM, Blogger Old Cheeser said...

Well honestly Jamie, love!! If I had a "mate" like that who came and violated my personal space, well...!! I'd ditch the bitch right away! And that Ahmed sounds like a right frickin' weirdo!! Sounds like he's a bit of a premature boy, anyway, if you know what I mean.

At 7:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Jamie

Why don't you fuck Ahmed? He would be crazy not to be interested in you.


At 12:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Jamie,

Have you been up to much this weekend?



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