Sunday, September 24, 2006

My FAB wedding day

Look bitches, like I know I havent been updating like night and day like what you want me to, but I have like A LIFE? you know? I cant be doing with these people who spend all there time on there computers cos like life is for living whatever.

Anyway, I suppose you all want to know about my recent marraige to Brian. What an amazing day. We had hired our fab local gay club Climax 2000 to have the ceremony and reception and shit. And Brian had spent like £1000 on the food and on our outfits - matching white leather suits! Classy! Needless to say, I looked gorgeous. Debbie, Miss Thang, Keith and Barbara were like the bridesmaids. I made them all wear these fluffy peach cinderella dresses - hilarious! And the food - as much butterscotch angel delight as you could eat! Walkers crisps everywhere (3 flavours - bacon, prawn cocktail and plain), kiora (that's orange squash), and loads of posh Mr Kipling cakes. Fab or what! I bet you are dead jealous. I wanted it to be classy and "understated" and that's what I got. Even the photos we had taken were all done in black and white - and were "artist" rather than rude - with Debbie only getting her tits out on 17 of them.

Brian was in a right tizz for the three weeks leading up to the wedding, with so much organising to do. I was supposed to organise some stuff too, but like, that's not like my thing OK, so I just let him do it. He didnt mind, he was so happy. He kept saying "I cant believe its happening Jamie, I've been wanting this for so long. I love you so much!" and stuff. I was all like "Yeah, weird isnt it!"

Anyway, before the ceremoy started Miss Thang said "hey Jamie, do you fancy getting off your head on your own wedding day? Wouldn't that be a fucking laugh love?" So I was like "OK, yeah, kewl!" So she was like "Frankie, The new DJ at Climax 2000 is a dealer. Come on, let's get us sorted." So we went to where Frankie was, and I'd never met him before. But he was dead good looking and butch, wearing just a leather jacket and no shirt (bit hairy pecs what hed had peerced) and cool shaved hair and loads of tattoos and shit. Miss Thang was like "Jamie, this is Frankie." And Frankie was like "So you're like getting married today are you? Pity. Cos I was gonna offer to shag your little arse from here to next week, ya little bitch!"

And Miss Thang was all "Oh I wouldnt let that stop you! There's still half an hour to go yet, go on, get in the loos out back. I'll give you a shout when the ceremony starts Jamie."

So we go off in the toilets and Frankie rips off my white suit, bends me over the toilet and rams it up there. He's dead good at sex stuff and has me screaming like a bitch in heat! Then I hear this voice say "Oh Jamie! Not on our WEDDING DAY!" And it's Brian standing there, looking like in SHOCK! And Miss Thang's standing right behind him and she's got this great big evil smile on her face and she goes "Oops! Brian asked me where you were and I forgot you were getting shagged by Frankie in here! HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAA!!"

So Brian rushed out in tears. And I'm like "Oh god, I suppose I should go after him." But Frankie's like "I'm not finished with ya yet," so he pushes me back over the loo and does it all over again. About 2 hours later I stagger outside and Brian's sitting on the steps, all crying still. And he goes "Oh Jamie. I know you don't love me in the same way I love you. But why do you always hurt me?"

And I'm like "I dunno. Maybe it's cos your old and fat." Cos like, honesty is like really important and I hate people who are fake and plastic and dont say what they mean.

And Brian says "Even though you've really hurt me today. We can make this a fresh start. A new beginning. I still want to marry you. Even though I know what youre like."

And I'm like "Well, actually, I cant be bothered to marry you. Frankie just asked me to be like his new shag-toy and I've said yes. And he said he doesnt want me to marry you as I have to like be at his beck and call."

Brian just like gulped air and said nothing.

So I go "See ya round babe!" and got up and went back inside. Well, I didnt want to spoil the big party. I went up to Frankie and gave him a big wet kiss on the mouth. And then I was like "Get me some fucking butterscotch angel delight. Let's get this party started!" And Miss Thang gave one of her big shrieky screams and Frankie put "Tragedy" by Steps on and we all danced!

What a fab day!


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