Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Where's my Bottled Water?

So anyways, I had a text message from Mona saying "We need you in London bitch, get here right now." And she gave her address which was somewhere in Acton. So I put on my best outfit (white jeans cut off just below the crotch with rips in them, glitter in my hair, a pair of Debbie's pink stilletos and a black mesh t-shirt with holes where the nipples were. Oh and I wore my "Fabulous Bitch" necklace.) I had a couple of spots (just my luck on my big day) but I just put on loads of foundation so it covered it up. Anyways, I bought a train ticket and got a taxi to the address. London people are so rude and in your face. They were all shouting at me cos I didn't know where I was going "Get out of my way you big queer!" and stuff like that. God!

I knocked at the door and this little man with a goatee beard answers. And he looks at me and he's like "What?" but in a French accent. So I said "I'm Jamie and I'm here to be in the film." And he just ignored me and walked off and then I heard voices and its him and Mona shouting at each other and he's saying "You've gone too far this time Mona, what am I supposed to do with this one. It looks like like a retarded gerbil" and Mona's saying "Oh, For God's sake, have you forgotten - Tyler's dropped out. Where else are we going to get a cheap little slut at short notice who'll work for peanuts?" I have no idea who they were talking about. But anyway, they came back to the door after like half an hour and were all "I suppose you'd better come in anyway, whatever" and shit.

So the French one with the beard called Pierre said "So the other actors will be here in half an hour. Go upstairs and get changed into the clothes on the bed. And wipe all that shit off your face, get it?" So I went upstairs, and there's this tiny black leather jockstrap on the bed and a collar. Which I put on (and it looks quite good on me actually).
So I'm prancing around in it and Pierre comes back and I say "I'd like some bottled water please. And also can I have some Cheese and Onion Walkers Crisps" (cos I've read interviews in Heat with Christina Agliera and Beyonce and Naomi Campbell and stuff, and you have to make demands when youre a star). But Pierre doesnt even seem to notice Im talking to him. All he says is "get that jockstrap off. We don't need you anymore. Tyler turned up."

And in walks this vicious looking skinny queen with blonde streaks. And she's all "Well if you think I'm putting THAT on after it's been wearing it. I dont want scabies thanks."

So I said "I haven't got scabies, know yourself bitch!" (which is what Aislyne off Big Brother says and it's a dead good insult when you can't think of anything clever to say back). So this Tyler goes "I can't understand a word its saying. What sort of backwoods accent is that?" And then the bitch slaps me in the face like for NO reason.

So I slap back and we have this big girly slapping fight thing. Pierre and Mona are just standing there laughing. So I decide to pull out a clump of Tyler's hair. I grab hold of it, but then ALL his hair comes off. And guess what readers. He was wearing a WIG! You could see that underneath he was practically bald. His hairline started like on the top of his head and it was all reseding and horrible. Mona and Pierre were like "OH my GOD!" And Tyler's all "Give me back my hair you horrid bitch!"

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got thrown out into the streets, just wearing the leather jockstrap. And I had no money or nothing. So I had to go and give an old man a handjob in the toilets over the road just to get 50p so I could phone Brian. Even though it was like 1 in the morning by this point, he drove like 4 hours all the way to London to come and get me and take me home. When he saw me, shirvering in the cold he said "Oh Jamie." And I got in the car and I wasn't gonna cry. But I did for some reason cos I really did think this was gonna be my big chance to be a star. Still, when we got home, Brian made me spaghetti hoops on toast. And we watched an episode of the Golden Girls in bed. And just like that woman says in the film, tomorrow is another day. Nobody's gonna break me down. You got that bitches?


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