Wednesday, August 30, 2006


I woke up this morning at 10am (which is early for me - I normally don't get up until dinnertime as I never get to bed before 5 in the morning). Anyway, I heard this woman screaming downstairs outside. So I got up, and went downstairs to see what it was all about (there's always women fighting in our street - they could just cancel Trisha and point a couple of cameras here!)

Anyway,it turns out it wasn't a woman. It was Brian (he has a really girly scream). And he's pointing at the front step of our house. Someone has left a huge fish on it. He's like histerical or something so I have to drag him inside. 'Who would leave a fish on our doorstep?" he keeps saying. I'm like "Oh be quiet. It's just my stalker. You should be pleased for me. Only beautiful people inspire stalkers.'

But Brian can't stop screaming and he's like "I have to phone the police now!" So he phones them and like, later on that day, these 2 policemen come out. I had been like saying what a bad idea it was to get them involved, but when I saw these guys I was like "Oh yes, come to Jamie!" They were both like 6ft 4 and built like a brick shit-house. There outfits were too tight for them so I could see their bulging muscles and huge packages. Yum! They both had wedding rings on - but their hands were so big they could of been cock-rings.

Anyway, I was like, "you've caught me about to have a bath." So I took all my clothes off and wrapped like a flannel round my waist and let them interview me like that. I kept shifting position to the flannel kept falling off. I could tell they were both really into me, even though they were straight. I was like "I cant help it if I have a stalker - it's cos I'm so good-looking innit, every man I meet wants to fuck me!" And I let the flannel fall to the floor, and then I'm like "Oops! I'd better pick that up." So I bend over so they can get a good look at my ass. I can tell they're both like salivating and horny as hell. One of the police then asks Brian if he will leave the room. And I think "Oh yes, now I'm going to have a 3-some with 2 sexy policemen."

But then one of them says "We asked your partner to leave because this might be embarrasing for you. You were given a caution for soliciting for sexual partners on nineteen seperate occasions in the toilets in the park last month. You did not show up for your court hearing and you have been fined £800. You need to pay the fees or you could face a prison sentence."

I was like "whaattt?!" So I go "Well, can't we come to an arrangement? And I get on my knees and start crawling over to where they are sitting.'

But one of them goes "What are you doing? It is an offence to try to bribe a police officer with sexual favours" or something like that.

So I go "Oh my god! This is HOMOFOBIA isn't it! I could go to the papers and get like loads of money cos of this."

And they laugh and get up. Then one of them says "Look lad, nice try. But we're not interested in you. We only go for 16 year olds with bigger cocks than yours. Make sure you pay the fine." And they go out. Bloody police!


At 5:08 AM, Blogger Spruit said...

How much longer did this continue before you woke up? ;-P

At 4:07 PM, Blogger mike said...

Hey, Jamie - sorry, "Warren" - LOVED ya on X Factor last Saturday night! That Simon so-called Cowell wants his ears washing out. Don't give up! Hold on to your dream!


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