Sunday, August 27, 2006

My hot date

My life is so like Sex in the City right now. So anyway, as everybody knows, I have decided to get a new boyfriend (while keeping my old boyfriend Brian around as inshurance). I have my sites set on Johnson, this hot new guy. Though I must admit, I dont know how to get a boyfriend, cos, I've never like, had to ask anyone before. They always ask me, and I normally say no cos they're mingaz, but sometimes I say yes. Anyways, the point is, I've never had to "work" for it.

So I decided to just hang out at the Starbucks where Johnson works, to give him the chance to ask me out. God! I must have spent like about £5 on drinks as I sat there all day, reading Heat and sometimes smiling at him. But he didnt get the hint and just got on with his work. Bitch! Debbie was like "do you want me to ask him out for you?" So I said, "OK, if you must." So she went up to the counter and was all "hey Johnson, Jamie wants you to fuck him, how about it then?" And I didn't hear what Johnson said back to her. But a few minutes later Debbie came back over and said "He said he'll go out with you, for a meal. But no sex. He ain't that sort of boy." What the HELL is that supposed to mean? Everyone's that sort of boy. Especially when it comes to ME! I was all of a mind to go over to him and say "Look bitch, everyone round here wants to fuck me and I don't give it away on a plate so think youreself lucky who do you think you are anyway, you only work in a SHOP!" But Debbie held me back and said "He's probalby shy and didn't want to tell me what he wants."

So anyway, that night we had our date. Do you want to know what I wore? I "Customised" a pair of jeans by doing loads of rips in them and not wearing any underwear, so you could see most of my bits and bobs and bum through the rips! Hot stuff, yet also classy! I also wore more fabulous "Why Haven't you fucked me yet?" t-shirt. On the back it says "Cos your a minger!" And I've cut holes out where the nipples should be. I also wore some of Debbie's high heels, to make myself look a bit taller. I used like 3 jars of hair jell on myself also and Debbie put extra blonde highlights in for me. So I was looking like hot shit and EVERYONE was stairing at me all night.

So I met Johnson outside Starbucks and he was like "where did you want to go for our meal?" So I said "How about Greggs? We can get a couple of pasties if you like and eat them at in the waiting room of the bus station." And he looked shocked like I'd just offered to eat out his granny or summat. So I'm like, "Oh, is that not good enough for ya? Where do you wanna go? Somewhere posh I bet?"

And he's "no no no. How about Pizza Hut." Pizza Hut! That's like a REAL restraunt and shit. What does he think I am? Made of money? So we end up going in there and all these posh snooty waiters are looking down on me cos my cock is hanging out of my jeans and everything. Anyway, we dont bother with the menu cos I cant understand any of the stuff on it. Like what is a pizza mahgertita? Anyone? What is mozzzzzareelo cheese? There was a buffet thing, so we decided to have that. But they gave us this stingy small plate and we were only allowed one trip to the buffet. So I decided to load up the plate as much as I could. I just got loads and loads of stuff on it, so it was all piled up high like a big tower. Anyway, I started to walk back to my seat with his massive plate full of food, but I'd like forgot I was in high heels and I fell over! All the food went flying everywhere and most of it went on Johnson. He was like dead upset I could see "This shirt is from Next!" he said, going all red and angry. I have no idea what "Next" is. THen the waiter comes over and is all "I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You are causing a disturbance and your fancy dress costume is offending the other customers."

And I'm like "Whatever! It's high fashion and everyone in London is wearing this now. God!" So we get kicked out. I say to Johnson "So do you wanna fuck me now in one of the loos in the park?" But he just gives me this look and says "Your friend told me that you were special. I see now she meant SPECIAL NEEDS!" And he flounces off. Bitch!

So I go off to the park on my own and let 18 guys have their way with me. God! I can barely walk this morning. See, who's laughing now Johnson?


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