Monday, August 14, 2006

I'm gonna be a star!

What a weekend! You are gonna be like so jelous when you hear! So anyways, Miss Thang's agent was coming into town, all the way from LONDON, and she was going to watch Miss Thang peerform her cabaret act at Climax 2000 to see if she was good enough to be in this tv pilot thing.

She was called Mona and she was this 50 year old complete power-dressing BEETCH who was like a cross between Patsy and Edina from AbFab and Karen from Will and Grace. She's like dead famous and knows EVERYONE in London and has like people from Big Brother 2 on her books and stuff. She and Miss Thang pretend to like hate each other, and I came along with Miss Thang to meet Mona off the train and Mona was like "Gained weight Darren?" (Darren is Miss Thang's real name but she'll kill me if she finds out I told you) and Miss Thang was all "You smell. Have you washed out your cunt lately?" and "Love your nails darling, you could get a job giving abortions with them" and stuff like that and I was just ignored COMPLETELY, so I sulked for a bit.

Anyways, we walked through the town centre and got to the club and Mona was complaneing all the way -"I can't beleeve you live here!" she was saying to Miss Thang "It's like a bad flashback to 1976! It's so provinshil. I've never seen so many mullets. It would be nice if you were a lesbian I suppose." And she was shrieking with laughter at all our local shops like "A Snip Above the Rest" where I got my hair tipped (and it's dead good actually!) and "Bargain Booze".

So we got to Climax 2000 and Mona sat down with a drink to watch Miss Thang's act. And she was dead bored. Then she noticed me and she was like "So who are you then? What are you about?" And I was like "I'm Jamie and I'm a shelfstacker in a supermarket for now but I'm gonna be famous you just see!" And she spluttered out her drink everywhere and was like "Whaaaaaat???? Are you for real? Are you on DRUGS?" So I said "I only had an E." And she was like "Oh sweetheart. You are priceless." Then she looked me up and down over the top of her glasses and she was like "Well, with that said, the bulimick, washed out, fake-tan pretty-boy look is actually quite fashionable at the moment. Are you a power-bottom?" And I was like "What does that mean?" And she said "WHat's the most guys who've fucked you in one night sweetheart?" So I counted and was like "Nine, no ten, no wait, thirteen, no..." and she held up her hand and said "Princess, you ARE a power bottom."

Then she fished in her handbag (which was a Lacriox) and got out this DVD box called "Chav Power Bottom 5". And there was this picture of this naked skinny queen surrounded by all this big butch muscly naked skin-heads. And the skinny queen looked like the cat who'd got the cream. Mona said "I know the company who do these films. Actually, it's my flatmate Pierre. He's a fucking frog, but he knows all the best dealers in London so I love him. Anyway darling, he's looking for the star of Chav Power Bottom 6 and I have a feeling it could be YOU!"

Can you beleeve it? I'm going to fulfil my dream and go to
LONDON and be in a film and be famous. Everyone is dead dead jealous. And Miss Thang is FUHRIOUS cos Mona didn't like her act and instead wants me. Brian was all like, "don't do it. London people are evil". But fuck him. He's just jealuos too.


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