Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I look good on the dancefloor, danceing to electropop like a robot from 1984

So anyways, something happened that I want to tell you about, last nite at Climax 2000 (it’s a hardware shop during the day but the owner, who is like this great big bear (that’s gay slang, god, what are you like!) called Maureen just pushes all the shelves to the sides of the room at nite and gets out a disco glitta ball and there you are – Climax 2000!). Maureen only has like about 4 cds to play on his gettoblaster so I sometimes take along modern music for him to play. Maureen also sticks up some pictures of hot naked guyz from Latin Inches and Honcho magazine on the walls to give Climax 2000 that authentic gay niteclub feel – and I’d swear, you would think you were danceing in like some big city like Blackburn or maybe even York!!! However, sometimes he forgets to take down the pics the next morning when it turns back into his hardware store, and sometimes some of the customers complain and stuff. Though sometimes they like it and he ends up making new friends, if you get my drift ha ha lol.

Here's a photo of Climax 2000 what I took with my mobile.

So anyway, there we were at Climax 2000 on Tuesday nite (the busy nite) and Miss Thang was doing her drag queen act on the stage – which Maureen makes out of stacking some pots of paint on top of each other. And I was showing off on the dance floor – EVERYONE was staring at me as usual cos I am the best dancer AND the best looking one there. And every time I went to the loo (which was like every 5 minutes, cos I’m so skinny I only have to drink like a mouthful of 20/20 and I have to go), everyone would follow me in there, hoping to get a glimpz of my cock and see if I would invite them into the lock-up loo with them – which I hardly ever do cos theyre all mingaz really. Its fab tho cos I never have to buy my own drinks, theres always loads of guys wanting to get to know me.

Anyways, I was doing my old dance routine from some Madonna and been the queen of the dance floor and everything. Then the door of the club opens and these people come in. And no-ones ever seen them before, so we all stare and glare at them, cos we hardly ever get any new people coming in. And theres like 4 of them, they’re all really old – like maybe 21 or 22. And three of them are complete mingaz. I like looked at them for a millisecond, judged them as NOT GOOD ENOUGH and then ignored them after that. One was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. God! Nobody cool is wearing that stuff any more. Like what year does he think it is? 2004? Another one had glasses on – and Jamie 4U never goes within like 100 meters of anyone wearing glasses, incase I have to have my photo taken and the glasses-wearer gets in the picture and people think like I am friends with someone who has glasses. God! The third one had ginjger hair. So forget it. Like have you heard of hair dye? The last one was OK-looking I suppose, though he knew he was the best of them (not hard) and looked like he thought he was hot shit. He had black hair and a leather jacket and an eye peercing.

So they get on the dance floor and start doing this dancing. And they’re all crap at it, except for the good-looking one with the peercing. And I look round the club and everyone’s like, watching him and talking about him and pointing at him and stuff. And I’m like “Whaaaaaaat!?” cos this never happens. And Miss Thang is on her microphone on the stage and she’s like “Hey, who’s the hot stuff in the leather jacket? Why don’t you come up here sweeetheart and let me suck you off!” She’s so vulgar. I hate her.

So anyway, I cant have this going on, so I decide to show everyone whos the best dancer. And I start doing my Britney Spears routine, which I only do like once a month – I save it for special occasions cos everyone loves me doing it and it always gets everyone looking with open mouths. And I’m doing Britney Spears, all the hand movements and stuff. But this hot guy then starts doing this other dance, which is dead complicated and he’s got this proper routine – he must be a professional dancer or something. And everyone starts clapping him. I’m like dead pissed off. And then we have a dance-off. That’s like when two people do dance moves at each other and the winner is the one who can do the best danceng. So I try Madonna’s vogue. But I get it a bit wrong and fall over and everyone laughs, including the hot guy. So I get up, slap Keith in the face for not helping me up and for almost laughing at me. And then I STORM off into the loos.

But for once I’m in there on my own. So I wait for like 20 minutes and promise that I’ll let the next one who comes in shag me, and not even in the lock-up, but right by the washbasin, so everyone’ll know. But nobody comes in. And when I go out, they’re all still buzzing round this hot guy. So I say to Brian “I’m going home, I don’t feel very well.” And normally, he’d be like “Oh my god, Jamie, we have to get you to the hospital!” but he just said “Yeah, OK” without looking at me. So I opened my mouth to scream but no words came out. And I ran outside and all the way home and then sat in the living room with all the lights off, in the dark for like 2 hours before Brian came home. I was going to tell him “It’s over!” But I fell asleep.

This is what it must be like to be just ordinary like everyone else and not like a celebrity in your own town and noticed and loved all the time. I cant have it! I wont have it!


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