Monday, August 28, 2006

God my life is like an episode of Trisha or something

So as you know, my "hot date" Johnson, turned out to be a complete stuck up bitch. Well! I have never been turned down before EVER!!! So as you can imagine, the last couple of days have been hell for me, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I must admit that I am getting older all the time, and will soon be 19. God! I can't bear it. 19! My life will be over. OVER! Who's going to want a 19 yeara old? I also took all my clothes off and looked at myself in the mirror. Normally, I am really pleased with how I look. Having 0% body fat and everything. But then I looked a little closer and when I bent over and really puffed out my stomach, I looked like I might be... I can't say it...... average!!!!

Anyway, I have decided that the only thing to do to make everyone love me again is to become bulimick. Just like my role model Nikki from Big Brother. So I immediately went into the loo and stuck my fingers down my throat until I made myself sick. It was horrible. But I looked in the mirror afterwards and could tell that I looked thinner, so that made me feel a bit better. Then Brian shouted upstairs "Jamie, it's teatime. Come and get this lovely lasagne I've made for you!"

And I rushed downstairs and there it was. This huge plate full of evil hateful carbs and fat. Cheese! Pasta! "Is this some kind of JOKE!" I screamed at him. "Do you want me to KILL MYSELF???" "Jamie, Jamie, what do you mean?" he asked, getting all upset. "You must HATE ME!" I yelled. "You KNOW I don't eat FUCKING CARBS!" I was so mad I got the plate and threw it at the wall, where it hit his lifesize poster of Captain Kathrin Janeway right in the face. "Jamie! What have you done? I'm sorry. I love you. Can't we talk about this?" Brian cried. But I wasn't in the mood for listening so I ran into the street, crying, cos he is so crap and hateful to me whenever we fight. I swear, I'm like an abused partner. I feel like phoneing one of them phone lines and haveing him arrested.

So I text Debbie and Keith and Barabara and Miss Thang and I'm like "You all have to meet me at Climax 2000. I am having a nervouse breakdown and need you all to drop everything and be there for me, otherwise I may kill myself." So they all came of course, although Keith was almost 3 minutes late (bitch). And I poured out my story to everyone. They were all really simpathetic. Miss Thang was like "Right, I'll get that bitch Johnson barred from Climax 2000." And Debbie was like "I'm gonna sit on his face and not in a good way." (there never is a good way if Debbie sits on your face but never mind), but Keith was just all quiet. And I'm like "what's up with you fucker?" And he's like "Jamie I have something to tell you. Me and Johnson are seeing each other!!!!!!"

God! My life is so much drama. So I go "Whhhhaaaaaaaattt?" And Keith is like, backing out the door at this time. I can't believe that like my second best freind has betrayed me like this. What a spiteful, evil bitch, stealing MY BOYFRIEND. Needless to say, we went round his house and threw eggs at it and painted "KEITH IS A HORE!" on the door. That'll show him.


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