Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The call is coming from inside the building...

I got this email yesterday. It says:

"Dear Jamie. You don't know me but I know where you live and have been watching you for several months now. You are a dirty little bitch. I have some of your dirty underwear that you threw in your bin and I am wearing it right now. I followed you to the park last week and watched as you let filthy old men paw over your body. Jesus Christ came to me in a dream and told me that you are bad and must be redeemed. You are going to come and live in my cellar and keep me company all the time. I will dress you in my dead mother's clothes and you will only be allowed to eat fish because that's what mother only let me eat. I will be coming for you soon. We will be saying the Lord's Prayer together a lot. You do know the Lord's Prayer, don't you?"

Oh my God!

I'm so happy. I have my own stalker. Just when I think that I'm ugly and nobody loves me, then I get rewarded with a stalker. All the celebrities have one! And I'm the only one I know who has one round here. I showed the email to Debbie and Barbara and Miss Thing and they were sooooo jealous. "You're so lucky Jamie!" said Debbie. "I'd give anything to have a stalker and someone go through my bins and want to make me wear their mother's clothes and stuff." Brian had to go and put a dampener on it (typical!) by getting all worried and upset and wanting to phone the police and move house and stuff. God he's such a drama queen. He's just jealous cos nobody would ever want to stalk him. Except maybe the fashion police. Brown slip-ons and a cardigan! God, now that's a reason to lock someone in a cellar.

Anyway, I've been hanging around outside late at night, hopeing that my stalker will try and kidnap me, but no luck so far. If you're reading this stalker then you'd better hurry up, cos I'm almost bored of you and I'm sure there are loads of more interesting people out there who could do a better job of stalking me. Oh, and by the way. I don't eat fish and I only wear old ladies clothes for Halloween, so you'd better spend some of your dole money and get me the latest DKNY and McDonalds.


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