Thursday, August 31, 2006

Burn Jamie Burn! Disco infernoe

As you all know, I have had a run of bad luck lately, what with my ex-second best freind Keith stealing my hunky boyfreind Johnson, and then becoming bulimick and haveing a stalker leave a fish on my doorstep and being fined £800 for cottaging. So as to cheer me up, Brian decided to have a party for me. I was all like "I don't want no fucking party!" at first, but Brian said "OK then, we won't have one." SO I said "I suppose I could have a party, but only if you spend lots of money and there's a theme and stuff."

So we decided to have the 1970s as a theme and we all had a fab time planning our 1970s outfits to wear. Miss Thang came as "Abba after a car-wreck". She managed to be all 4 members of Abba at the same time, and I think she used actual human blood to make the "car-wreck" look authentick. Debbie went as a disco glitter ball - she is the right shape so she just got me to wrap loads of tin foil round her body. I went as a streaker (cos they were dead popular in the 1970s), and I know that everyone likes it when I go clothing-optional. Brian went as Farrah Fawcett from Charlie's Angels. As for Barbara, well, she just came in her regular clothes - an enormous orange wigwam thing, with her glasses and frizzy ginger hair poking out of the top. Miss Thang said "The 70s never really ended for Barbra, did they. She just went 1977, 1978, 1979, the ninteen seventy ten, nineteen seventy eleven and so on."

Anyway, Brian stuck loads of 1970s posters and stuff round the house and we got lava lamps and stuff and the flat looked fab! There were loads of people there and we all danced to great classic 1970s songs by groups I'd never heard of like "Yazz and the Plastic Population" and "Glorian Estafan and the Miami Sound Machine!" Fab. I love disco!

I was danceing with Miss Thang and she said "I know I don't look old enough, but I remember the 70s from the first time around Jamie. And they were fucking great!" I said "What was the best thing about the 70s?" and she said "The BAREBACKING! In those days you could have used my ass as a fucking pritt-stick. If I didn't stuff a handful of tampons up there then I'd be leaving a snail trail where-ever I went. HA HA HAAAAAAA!" (I think she had been taking a lot of LSD)

Somehow, Keith and Johnson had been invited (bitches!) and they turned up dressed in this crap outfit. I was like "What have you come as? The Nolan Sisters? And Keith was "No, we're Starsky and Hutch." Whateva!!!! They were really getting on my nerves, doing close-danceing and snogging and stuff. So I decided to make them jealous by danceing with Brian and makeing a big fuss of him(for once). I could tell he was really pleased. Cos he stopped the music and stood up and said "In front of all our friends, Jamie, I would like to ask you if you would be my civil partner!" And he opens this box and gets out this ring and goes on one knee. And everyone goes "ahhhhhh!" and "how lovely!" and stuff. So I look at Keith and Johnson, and they both look really happy. So I say "Yeah, whatever." Brian bursts into tears and Barabra farts very loudly at that point so we all have to leave the flat for 15 minutes as it smells of dead dogs.

Miss Thang comes up to me later and she's like "You do know your makeing a huge mistake, but who cares, I get to be a fucking bridesmaid!"

But all I can think about is all the presents and attention I'm gonna get. And how jealous Keith and Johnson will be. Those are 2 great reasons to get married, aren't they?


At 4:04 AM, Anonymous Oscar said...

No, Jamie; presents, attention and wanting to make someone else jealous are not good reasons to get married.

What happens when all you get given is a twix and half empty bottle of poppers, and the next big event comes along to take the spotlight off of you? Then you're still stuck married to Brian?

And as for making Keith and Johnson jealous, why do you think they'd be jealous of you marrying Brian? Do they want to marry Brian? No. They don't.

So, dear Jamie, listen to your good friend Miss Thang and call the wedding off. Just think of the drama!


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