Wednesday, February 01, 2006

My new family

Brian has been feeling all broody since I moved back in with him and is "nesting" which is like my new word of the day. He's been skipping around putting doilies on the coffe table and those lacy net curtain things on the backs of the sofas. the flat looks like my Nanna's.

Anyway, everytime we go past Mothercare he gets all choked up and says "Jamie I want to have a child!" I'm like, "Look love, I don't know if you've noticed, but we both have cocks so it's not gonna work." So he was like "I know that Jamie, I'm not stupid. I was thinking of becoming a sperm donor to a lesbian couple. Wouldn't that be grate!"
I was all "whatever, I don't care." Anyway, he had been spending a lot of time on the interweb and I thought it was because he was looking at fratboy porn or summat, but he wasn't, he was contacting all these lesbian couples and offering his sperm (ugggh!)

And it must have paid off because last Sunday he said "Come on Jamie, we're meeting these two lesbians for dinner at Pizza Hut." I got dragged alone, even though I was watching The Golden Girls on Living TV. Anyway, we got there and the lesbians were in a bad mood from the start cos we were half an hour late (well you wouldn't expect me to go out without spending at least an hour on my hair and fake tan!) They were called Kaz (fat, with practically a beard) and Jean (miserable, little, Scottish). I didn't like them at all. Brian was tripping over himself to be nice, but it wasn't working. They pulled a face when we ordered a pepparoni pizza. "We'ze vegetarian!" said Jean, making her mouth go all small and wrinkly. "We would raise our child on soya and quorn." (what the fuck are they when they're at home." God they were boring! Their idea of "fun" was like to go walking in the lake District - wherever that is. "We don't approve of clubbing." In the end, I had had enough so I sneezed all in their stupid margeryita pizza. "You did that on purpose" said Kaz, and she was about to beat me up. I was all "Yeah bitch, whatreya gonna do about it?" And then we were all asked to leave.

"Well that's that then," I said afterwards when we got home. But Brian was all depressed and just went and sat on the settee and didn't even look happy when I put one of his boring Star Trek DVDs on. God!

Anyway, I mentioned it to Debbie and Keith the other night and Debbie was like "I know, why not get him a puppy. That's almost like having a baby." So we ended up going to this petshop and there was this cage with five puppies in the window. "They are so cute!" Debbie said. We couldn't decide which one to get so in the end we got them all. Well, we made Keith pay for them.

When we got them home, Brian was like "Oh Jamie! What have you done!" But I could tell he was happy because he didn't even complain when one of them pooed on the creme rug. See, all those peoples who said I'm all about me and just think of myself all the time. Well its not true. Anyway, I'm off out. I think the puppies have pooed again and I can't be arsed to clean it up. Brian'll do it.


At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jamie, you are so like Mother Theresa. PS, please post pictures of your cock. Charlie.

At 2:49 AM, Blogger Piglet said...

He can donate sperm to my girlfriend and I! I promise, we're not even real vegetarians. And neither of us has a beard

(and we actually quite like star trek...)

At 3:03 AM, Anonymous Brad said...

You just get better and better.
p.s. The Lake District is,like, above Liverpool.


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