Friday, February 10, 2006

I want those puppies

Although those 8 puppies seemed like a good idea at the time, it was actually like a crap idea, cos they poo all the time and are always crying. We have to let them sleep in our bed all night and they wee everywhere. Bloody things. Anyways, at least its keeping Brian busy so hes not pestering me for sex any more.

The other night Brian was going out with his sad gay geek freinds to see BackBreak Moutain or something - this crap film about gay cowboys except you hardly get to see any cocks in it. Like what's the point of that? So anyway, while Brian was out I invited Debbie and Barbara and Keith and Miss Thang round so we could have a "porn party" as Miss Thang had some pirate DVDs of these prison medical examinations. Dirrrrrty!

So we got in, and all the puppies are running round like mad. And Miss Thang goes "Ooooooh Puppies! Lovely! This one can be my new hat and these two are going to be my gloves and this one is going to be my muff..." Barbara and Keith were like "nooooo! Don't kill the puppies!" But Miss Thang just did this evil laugh and went into the kitchen to get a knife, cos she like IS a bitch and would kill the puppies.

She came out of the kitchen with a fucking grate big kitchen knife and she's like "Come to Miss Thang you puppies, come and sacrifice yourselves to fashion!" And everyone else ran at her to try and stop her, and there was a struggle, and in the middle of it, somehow Debbie got pushed over and she fell on the sofa and we heard a yelp and when we looked under Debbie we saw a dead little puppy!!!!!

Debbie was histerical cos she loved all the puppies, and we were all like dead miserable. Miss Thang was all "Oh god, I was only joking. I wasn't going to kill any of them." And to prove that she wasn't really a bitch, she said "Give the dead one to me and I'll see it gets a decent burial." So we put it in a McDonalds bag and she went out.

We were all feeling dead miserable after that, and even the dirrrrty DVD didn't cheer us up. Brian came back later and we told him about the dead puppy and he started crying and blubbing like a big girl, which made us all feel worse. God! I hate feelings. Unless they're good ones like when someone fancies you.

Then, the door opens again, and Miss Thang comes in. But she's wearing a new hat. "Like the puppy hat?" she says. "Well, the puppy was dead after all so it seemed a shame to waste it." And Brian just goes "!!!!!!!!" And then he grabbed the kitchen knife and ran at Miss Thang. And there was another struggle. Somehow, Miss Thang got pushed into the kitchen and she fell onto the kitchen sink - her hand went down the plug-hole, and I don't know how it happened, but Brian must of accidentally pushed the button for the waste disposal thing - cos then there was a horrible noise from Miss Thang and when she pulled out her hand from the sink, it wasn't there!!!!! She was just waving a bloody stump around and laughing (cos she was on drugs and couldn't really feel any pain).

Somehow, we got her to the hospital and waited around for her all night. We could hear screaming and stuff coming from inside, and she didn't get out until the next day. And guess what, where her hand used to be, there's now a great big horrible hook. She doesn't seem to mind that much and says it's good at scaring children and she can use it as a can opener and she's very much in demand now on the s/m scene at least. But I think shes putting a brave face on it and is really really angry, Brian had better watch out. And the other 7 puppies.


At 6:48 PM, Blogger Dom said...

Jamie sugar pop, stop whatever/whoever you're doing and BLOG!!

Luv Dom x

At 8:28 AM, Blogger Cherubesque said...

OMG like I love puppies but i can't believe one of them died and stuff? So sad *sniff* hey I bet Miss Thang's hook looks really cool ROLF

At 11:47 PM, Anonymous daldac said...

Jamie! I can't believe this. First the puppy dies and then Mrs. Thang's hand is gone?? Is it really gone, or are you exaggerating.

I really, really like dogs so when I read that the little thing got crushed, well, I was crushed too!

I knew a girl in my school when I was seven who had no arm and she had a big hook for an arm. Everyone thought she was weird ... except me! I talked to her all the time, until I saw her picking her nose with the hook and I'm almost positive I saw stuff on there like a day later ... all crusty and shit.

Anyways ... PLEASE tell me the rest of the dogs are all fine. And if she really did make a hat out of that dog, I'll light the bitch on fire.

Ok, right, I'm looking forward to hearing more.

Bye Jamie!!

At 11:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your blog is hilarious - update it

At 2:14 PM, Anonymous katpop said...

EIGHT puppies?!?!?!

daaaaaamn boy! i love puppies, but 8 is a lot of work.....they don't have bladder control for the first few months, as i'm sure you know now....lol

At 5:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

come on jamie! update please!


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