Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I saw Jamie kissing Santa Claus

Well beeyotches, what a fabUK Xmas its being so far. Me and Miss Thang did us Xmas shopping in the Arndale Centre. We had this grate plan to rob Santas Grotto. "The bloke what they've got doing santa this year is one of my regular clients" said Miss Thang (she does a bit of specialist escort work on the side). "He's a right perv. You distract him while I rob all the kiddies toys".

So I went into the grotto and sat on santas lap. "My you are a big boy!" said Santa. "What would you like for Xmas?" So I started in on my list. And I wriggled and squirmed around like I was a dog with worms. I could tell that Santa was enjoying my little lap dance because his face went as red as his costume and he was breathing all funny and stuff. Meanwhile, Miss Thang had snuck in the back entrance and was loading all the toys into black bin bags. Then I felt the seat of my jeans getting all wet so I suppose Santa must have had a litle accident. I got off and I was like "You ruined my new jeans you dirty old bitch." But Santa had slumped forward and didn't seem to be moving. Miss Thang was like "What have you done with santa Jamie?" And I was like "I think he had a heart attack. He looks dead."
"Jamie killed Santa!" shrieked Miss Thang. "HA ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!" She's such a cold beetch. I was all "Should we dial 999?" But Miss Thang said "Fuck off! We have to get going now. Let someone else sort it out." So we left with all the toys and we made £36 selling them off round the pubs and council estates on Chrismtas Eve.

On Xmas Day I had dinner with Brian and Miss Lotus Flower and Debbie and Keith and Barbara and Miss Thang. It was all fab and we were all totally pissed by 10 in the morning. Miss Thang had all these different drugs from her dealer which had pictures of snowmen on them. So we all got totally monged out of our heads. We ended up on the settee watching telly all day and woke up in the morning to find Debbie had pissed herself and it was all everywhere. Just as well Brian has lanimiate floors!

What a great Christmas. I hope u all had as good a one as me. Though I doubt it cos your boring and I'm fab!

Friday, December 23, 2005

My Christmas List.

Happy Christmas and shit. So what your gonna get me? Here's my wishlist below.

I already had one of these fab "bitch" belts, but it got lost at Climax2000, my fab local gay club when I was giving these two big skinheads a spit roast.

This "Diva" towel is useful for mopping up spillages and stains as well as being a fab fashion accessory at my local "straight" sauna. Let's all the closets know they mite be in with a chance so long as they're fit and hung and under 20.

I need some formal clothes incase I ever have to go on a proper job interview or a funeral and this black mesh top is a bit boring for me but I guess it'll do at a push.

I love anything with a Rainbow on it. Gay Pride and all that shit! Anyway, I was going to put a picture of myself looking gorgous in this picture and have it on my bed, to remind myself how fab I am - I can also look at it when having sex with slightly fulgy guys.

Go on bitches - get your wallets out!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The one with the talking flowers.

I am so boooored of living in a Travelodge so I decided it was time to get back with Brian once and for all. I sent him a text saying "Hi wnt 2 mt 2nite 4 kfc and a fuck". He replied back saying that he would love to but he had arranged for a (sad) night in watching the whole new series of Dr Who with all of his (loser) freinds from the Dr Who society. So I decided to swallow my pride and pretend to be interested in Dr Who and invite myself along. Brian was like "OK, but Lee will be there as well." Lee is Miss Lotus Flower's real name. Whatever Minger!

Anyway, I put on my sluttiest clothes (and that was some feet as all my clothes are slutty). I had on my size ultra small t-shirt that is cut off just above my nipples, and I was wearing low-slung tight butt-cleavage jeans with rips all round the bum and stuff.. I also put on body glitter and extra blonde streaks in my hair and went on the sun bed for 30 minutes. So I was like hot shit!

I got there about 2 hours into the Dr Who Marathon. All these spastic losers were in Brian's front room, they all had glasses mended with sellotape and were either really fat with nasty bitch tits and sweating (ugh - I hate sweat), or really skinny with bad comb-over hair-don'ts. They were all fugly-fugly-fugly and closet cases - I've seen most of them hanging round outisde the loos on the top floor of the Arndale Centre. When I came in they all practically had a fit and couldn't stop stearing at me. I was like "Lap it up bitches, you can look but you can't touch." There weren't many seats left so I ended up wedging in between Brian and Miss Lotus Flower on the settee. Old Lotus was furious but had to pretend to be all smiles.

Anyway, I wish I could tell you about Dr Who but I'm afraid it was so boring that I fell asleep after about half an hour. Mind, it didn't help that all these morbidly obese loser fans kept saying "This contravenses episode 834 The Arc in Space where the Dr broke his sonic screwdriver" and similar shit. Like who gives a fuck. I don't understand people who watch tv. TV is for people with no lives. My life is better than tv.

Then it was like 5 in the morning or something and Miss Lotus Flower was prodding me in the side (the bitch) and it was all finished. I was like "OK, Brian, let's go to bed now!" But they all wanted to DISCUSS the whole series in detail. "What was your favorite episode Jamie?" some acned-faced geekoid said to me. Bitch! I had no idea as I'd talked and slept threw the hole thing. So I relied on my blagging skills and said "Oh, you know. The one with all the... drag queens." They all looked blank so I said "I mean squirrels!" Still blank faces. "No, I mean talking flowers." Brian pursed his lips into his little anus mouth and said "Jamie, I don't think you were watching." And Miss Lotus Flower started tittering and said "She was asleep the whole time. She hates Dr Who." Then all the geek fans went "oooooohhhh!" and "hiiiiisssssss!" cos it's like saying you hate god or something if you hate Dr Who.

"I am very disappointed with you!" said Brian. "I think you'd better go back to your travelodge now." I was really pissed off, and Lotus Flower was cackling and rubbing her evil claws together in glee. "Oh shurrrup!" I said. And I threw a bowl of pot pourri on the floor and stomped out.

It's not over though. I will get Brian back. And Miss Lotus Flower can eat my shit!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

I'm a working girl again!

Can you believe it? I get out of prison and find that my boyfriend Brian has taken up with this 8 year old Chinese bitch! And he can't decide who he really wants now so he's put me up in a travel-lodge. Like whatever! There isn't even a minibar. What sort of place is this? Acutally, it's full of closet-case business men so all I have to do is hang around the corridors at night and I usually make a few new best freinds for the night. I learned a few tricks in prison!

Anyway, I soon got bored of that and decided to catch up with my old fat fag hag freind Debbie. We had a great meal at KFC but then all my money ran out, so I was a bit miserable. Debbie was like "Why don't you come back to Asda and work with me again." And I said "But I can't cos I cheeked the manager and told her to fuck off and stuff!"

Debbie said "Oh, she was caught fiddling the tills and got sacked so I'm like the stand-in manager until they find someone else!" And I was like, oh great, I'm so pleased for you. Except I wasn't really cos I hate it when my freinds do well. Is that bad of me? Anyway, Debbie said "You'll have to have an interview and everything!" So I had my interview in KFC. And it was fantastic. Debbie was all like "What would you do if a customer wants to return a piece of ham cos it's gone off?" And I said "Slap her round the face with it and tell her to fuck off!" And at the end Debbie said "Well Jamie, I am happy to tell you that you have passed the interview and can start tomorrow. But there's one more thing - you have to show us your cock!" (She's such a pervert! I guess she doesnt get to see very many what with being morbidly obese and everything). So I got it out - right in the middle of KFC. There were all these closeted men straining over the heads of their wives to see, so I said "Take a picture, it costs less!"

So at least I have a job again. Which means I can just smoke fags in the toilets, have my tarot cards read and bitch about all the losers who work at Asda. We don't really do any work.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


So anyways, the first thing I did when I got out of prison was go to McDonalds and have everything on the menu. Twice. Then I had to go to the loo cos I didn't feel well. I suppose my body isn't used to rich food after all that prison crap. Then I went home to Brian's flat. I was wondering if Brian was ill or summat because he hadn't been to visit me for three months. I hadnt really noticed but then I realised I hadnt seen him for ages.

When I got to his flat, I put my key in the door but it didn't work. Whaaaaat! So I started banging on it, screaming "let me in, its Jamie I'm back!" And all these gossipy old women came out from the nearby houses and were like "Oh Jamie luv, he's got someone else, he dumped you luv" and stuff. So I was about to break the window but then the door opened and you'll never guess - this Chinese lad who must of been about 12 or something answered. And he's REALLY REALLY camp and he goes "Yeeeeeeeeeessss?" to me. And I'm all like "Who the fuck are you? Where's Brian!" So I pushed past him - not difficult, I hate to say it but his waist size was even smaller than mine and that's some feat. Anyway, when I got upstairs I looked round and what a state Brian's flat had become! All my tasteful pictures of Colt models with hard-ons had been taken down. My Kylie shrine was like totally gone! And instead there were all these Chinese fans and paper screens everywhere. It's like Brian had gone to that weird shop Muji and said "I'll take the lot, load up the van!"

Meanwhile, Miss Lotus Flower was fluttering around screaming all this stuff but I was like "Look love, I don't understand a word you're saying. If you come over here you have to learn English." Then he goes, "I'm from Wigan."
So I was all "Who are you and what have you done with Brian!" and Lotus says "Brian's my boyfriend now. We had the locks changed. You have to leave.!" So I was like "Listen darlin - pack your fucking bags and get out of my flat. Brian LOVES me!"

And we started having this big girly slapping fight, shrieking and shit. And then Brian comes in and he said "Oh my god. Jamie what are you doing here?" And I dusted myself down and decided to be all cool like Sharon in Eastenders. "Hello Brian!" I said in my poshest voice. "I have returned so how abouts you kick this 5 year old whorella out along with this rubbish Chinese furniture and we can start where we left off."

And Brian looked all confused and said "But Jamie, you always treated ME like rubbish. You hated me."

So I said "No, no, that's not true. I don't hate you. I l......" But I couldn't say "love". And I couldn't even say "like" either. Cos I don't like him that much either. He's kind of sad and boring if you must know.

Then Lotus Flower throws herself at Brian's feet, screaming and wailing and making a right scene of herself. So I'm like: "Oh how pathetic. Brian you have to choose!"

And Brian looked at both of us for a long time (I can't believe I am writing this).

Anyways, I've now staying in a travel-lodge - at Brian's expense, while he "sorts his head out". Miss Lotus may have won round 1 but Jamie has a few tricks up her sleeve. Game on Bitch!

Saturday, December 03, 2005

In the big house.

Anyway, so you mite be wondering what it was like 4 me in prison. Was it just like Prisoner Cell Block H and did I get to work the press and be freinds with Doreen and Lizzie and escape through a secret tunnel while putting on a panto for spastic kiddies? Well, duh - no. I kept a bit of a diary while on the inside - which I had to write on my legs. Here's what it says.

Day 1.

Well, prison is boring and crap. The worst of it is the clothes they make you wear - itchy and nasty and baggy with no arse to them. Hating it.

Day 8

Fortunately Debbie has come to see me. She's left me a "care package" which contains Heat and Now magazines so that will take up like half the week for me to get through them. Speaking of care, she's had her baby taken into care. She was an unfit mother. Who saw that coming! I didn't.

Day 46

Some of those criminals think they are tough shit and all, but they don't stand a chance with my vicious tongue - after all I have trained in bitchiness with Miss Thang and know just how what to say to humiliate and embarrass someone if they decide to pick on me. I am just like that one in Kill Bill!

Day 89

Some of the more fit prisoners are happy to let me help them get through those long nights - if you know what I mean. I have about 6 of them on the go at the same time, bringing me ciggies and whathaveyou in return for my "company". It helps pass the time I suppose.

Day 124

Well its nice to be popular. But one or two of my special freiends in here have got a bit possessive of me - well I was Mr Gay Blackburn runner-up 2003. There was a huge fight in the rec room last night cos of me. I love it when I am the centre of attention. Ha! Bring it on.

Day 157

I have got put into solitary confinement for two months, because the guards decided that everyone needs a rest from me. Bitches. They just want me to themselves.

Day 188

They have put this lad in solitary with me. He's right miserable. But kind of cute.

Day 201

I have tried to cheer my miserable cellmate up by singing to him every night. I do a scissor sisters medley with all the dance routines worked in - "Your FILTHY! And GORGEOUS!" But he just screams "shut up! I hate you!". I know that that is just his way of like working through his issues, and that he only wants me to shut up because he is like, falling in love with me and shit.

Day 202

Sadly even I wasn't enough for my cell-mate and he has killed himself. Oh well. Whatever. At least I get out of here tomorrow.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Is this thing on?

Is this thing on?

Yes folks, the bitch is back, and as they say, it's almost as if she's never been away! I have finally like given in to the millions of emails and shit that I got from people begging me to come back. I could like tell you that I spent the last six months living the hi-life on a rich mans yatch in Malta or something, but I have decided that this is the new Jamie4U who tells the truth about everything. So the truth is, I have been to prison and just been released.

It wasn't like even my fault or nothing. Me and Miss Thang (my fabulous drag queen Best Freind) had gone to Selfridges in Manchester for a fabUK Sex in the City shopping spree. Anyway, she was off squeezing into all these Jimmy Choo shoes (and snapping them cos her feet are so fucking big - they're like horses hooves honestly!) and I was busy cruising the lad who works on the DKNY counter. Anyway, to cut a long story short, were getting up to allsorts in the changing rooms and then Miss Thang comes barging in, subtle as usual screaming "Come oN Jamie we gotta go, like now beetch!" So I got off the lad and we left. Everyone was stairing as usual cos Miss Thang is 6 feet 8 and never bothers to put her wig on str8 or her lippy on propley - instead she just smears it all over her face so it looks like she's been eating babies or something. "Hey Jamie love, carry me bags for us, I'm on my period! said Miss Thang to me. So I was like "OK, whatever" cos, she's a drag queen not a real woman, and doens't have periods, but the last time anyone told her that she took a big bloody lamb chop out of her knickers and threw it in their face, so you have to be careful as its like a touchy subject with her.

So anyway, I was carrying all her bags and thinking that she'd bought a lot of stuff and all, and we got to the main doors and then all the alarms went off. Miss Thang gave out this massive shriek, took off her high heels, grabbed my bag and then goes "Run bitch!" And before I knew it, she's ran off. I tried to follow her, but this really butch security guard jumped me to the ground - he was like practically dry-humping me - the closet case. And before I knew it I'm in a prison cell and then I get six months (there are previous offences, I'm not going into it here).

As for that bitch Miss Thang, she didn't even turn up to my court case. She was off round the Arndale Centre wearing all the stuff I helped her steal. My dead ancient sad loser boyfriend Brian showed up at least and made a right pranny of himself by weeping and wailing like a bloody widow - he even wore a black vail - how camp is that?

Anyway, so that's where I've been for the last six months. It isn't very pretty, but what you gonna do?