I saw Jamie kissing Santa Claus
Well beeyotches, what a fabUK Xmas its being so far. Me and Miss Thang did us Xmas shopping in the Arndale Centre. We had this grate plan to rob Santas Grotto. "The bloke what they've got doing santa this year is one of my regular clients" said Miss Thang (she does a bit of specialist escort work on the side). "He's a right perv. You distract him while I rob all the kiddies toys".
So I went into the grotto and sat on santas lap. "My you are a big boy!" said Santa. "What would you like for Xmas?" So I started in on my list. And I wriggled and squirmed around like I was a dog with worms. I could tell that Santa was enjoying my little lap dance because his face went as red as his costume and he was breathing all funny and stuff. Meanwhile, Miss Thang had snuck in the back entrance and was loading all the toys into black bin bags. Then I felt the seat of my jeans getting all wet so I suppose Santa must have had a litle accident. I got off and I was like "You ruined my new jeans you dirty old bitch." But Santa had slumped forward and didn't seem to be moving. Miss Thang was like "What have you done with santa Jamie?" And I was like "I think he had a heart attack. He looks dead."
"Jamie killed Santa!" shrieked Miss Thang. "HA ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!" She's such a cold beetch. I was all "Should we dial 999?" But Miss Thang said "Fuck off! We have to get going now. Let someone else sort it out." So we left with all the toys and we made £36 selling them off round the pubs and council estates on Chrismtas Eve.
On Xmas Day I had dinner with Brian and Miss Lotus Flower and Debbie and Keith and Barbara and Miss Thang. It was all fab and we were all totally pissed by 10 in the morning. Miss Thang had all these different drugs from her dealer which had pictures of snowmen on them. So we all got totally monged out of our heads. We ended up on the settee watching telly all day and woke up in the morning to find Debbie had pissed herself and it was all everywhere. Just as well Brian has lanimiate floors!
What a great Christmas. I hope u all had as good a one as me. Though I doubt it cos your boring and I'm fab!