Monday, June 27, 2005

I'm just a tag-hag

Someone has tagged with a meem. How DARE they, anyway, I'm bored today, so heres my answers.

1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

First, getting an all-over spray tan just before I went to that gay sauna. It was like a total waste of time, it just all washed off. Thats £16.99 Brian'll never see again.

Second, getting on the wrong train the day I was supposed 2 go to Big Brother auditions in Manchester. That could be ME in the Big Brother house now, not those slut-hores.

Third, falling asleep on Miss Thang's sofa after she spiked my Orgasm. That bitch decided to treat me as her own personal Girls' World Head. I woke up with half my hair shaved off, permanent red tatto on my bottom lip, and 16 peercings.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

Probably my Barbie doll.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up to five people to dine with, who would you pick?

Urrgh what a boring question. It's like the sort of thing what Brian and Keith talk about. Durrr. Anyways, if I HAD to, like it was life or death or something, it'd be: 1 Elton John (cos he's loaded and into chicken so I'd get him all horned up and then make him take me to HMV on one of his private supermarket sweeps), 2 The Spice Girls (I'd make them all be my fag-hag beetches and we'd walk around the town centre precinct and re-enact Zig-a-zig ah!" I know all the words and everything). 3) Paul Danan from Celebrity Love Island. Cos I'd probably be in need of a blow-job after that big McDonald's Happy Meal. 4) Bored now. Next question.

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

1. That a McDonalds, a KFC and a Burger King would all open next door. And give me free stuff.

2. That I could have my own tv channel - Jamie4UTV and it would just show my life 24/7. Like how fab would that be.

3. That everyone I worked with at Asda would get bitten by zombies and then turn into a zombie. Especially that bitch Miss Herrington.

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

Well, since the council closed down all the toilets, I'd say one thing is that theres not enough desent cottages anymore. It'd also be good if there were more 50p shops. As for avoiding - well any bookshop obviously. And Starbucks, cos, like, all the stuck-up shits sit in there drinking there fucking lattys and thinking they're it. Me and Debbie always shout "FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS!" whenever we walk past. Ha. HA.

6. Name one event that has changed your life.

I think it was the third time I got sifillis. The doctor at the GU clinic was all stern and was giving me this lecture about safe sex and shit, until I reminded him that I'd caught it off him during a previous visit (I can't stay away from those married doctors!) Anyway, it didn't really change my life, but whatever.

7. Tag 5 people.

Do I look like I care what anyone else thinks about anything?

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Stains on the Sunbed

Ugh. Brian woke me up yesterday (at 10 in the morning - like how early is that!) and he was all like "Jamie, there's a telephone bill here for £3283.28! What have you been doing!" Whatever! Like, it's not my fault that I get bored stuck in the house all day and end up talking on premium rate gay muscle chatlines where the call terminates in Brazil.

Anyway, Brian was like dead pissed off: "I will have to auction all my Captain KAthryn Janeway memorabilia stuff on ebay just so we can buy food!", and demanded that I get a job to help out. Tuh. So that's the end of me being a Desprate Housewife. Shame I didn't get to shag any hunky gardners (still that one off the telly was a bit fat and old for my tastes).

So I was wandering the streets cottaging looking for a job and then I bumped into Miss Thang who was going through the bins in the bus station (she has no shame), and she was like "Oh Jamie love, why not come and work with me and Tanya's Tan Cabin in the precinct". She has this day job when she's not been a foul-mouthed drag queen entertainer where she works in a tanning shop. So I was all like "OK, Whatever, as long as I get to use the sunbeds for free, when do I start?"

It's actually not all that bad. I get to sit and drink pots of tea all day with Miss Thang and gossip with all the middle-aged women who come in to top up their tans. And theres always loads of fit str8 lads from the gym next door coming in to use the tan beds and I get to flirt with them all (and also, they dont know it but I can spy on them when they're on the sunbeds - cos they don't realise I have keys to all the rooms. Half of them have a wank while they're on the sunbeds and dont know anyone's watching - and that's just the start of it - dirty bitches!) So it's not so bad being a working girl for a change. Seeya bitches!