Monday, May 23, 2005

Medium atomic weights are available: Jamie4U and Miss Thang have been assigned

Aak! What a fucking shit week. Everyone at my fab local gay nighclub Climax were in shock about how Barabara lied to us all about her lottery win. Anyways no bitch gets away with messing with Jamie4U right. So Miss Thang had this great idea to fuck her up. Me and Debbie and Miss Thang went to visit Barabara in her secure unit and when the nurses weren't looking we pretended it was 1976 and that we were "Time Police Aliens" in order to mess with her head. Miss Thang was like "Hey Barabara, guess what love? All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Transuranic heavy elements may not be used where there is life." Barbara got really fucked up and freaked out so we have probably set her recovery back like 2 years or something. Stupid lieing cow.

So afterwards I had to go back to Asda and pleed for my old job back. I said I had had a bad reaction to my anty-biotics which made me act "out of character". But Mrs Herrington was like "No way. Youre lazy and steal things and a slut basically - is there any married man what works here that you havent sucked off in the staff toilets Jamie?" So I had to agree she had a point.

Anyway, been unemployed is fab! I get to stay in bed until like 1 in the afternoon, then I get up, have a packet of ciggies and watch the daytime soaps and stuff. Then I go round the shops and do a bit of light cruising, then go to McDonalds for tea with Debbie and Keith, then go to Climax for dancing and drugs and shit, then wind up back home at about 3:30. This is the life!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

The Rain in Spain falls mainly on Jamie4U

What a week! On Tuesday Barbara went to the estate agents to buy a villa in Spain and she was like "I want you to come out to spain and live with me Jamie." Can you beleeve it? Me in Spain? So I thought about it for like 3 seconds and said "OK".

So anyway, I went to Asda and went right up to Mrs Herrington my line manager and was like "fuck your job you four-eyed fat cow, I'm going to Spain". And I knocked over a big display of mushy peas on the way out. Everyone was like really shocked but I didnt care.

When I got home I told Brian I was going to Spain and he fell on the floor going "NooOOooOOoooOOO! But Jamie I love you" and shit. But you have to be cruel to be kind dont you.

Anyways, Barbara foned me and she said to meet her at the airport on Thursday with my passport and all my stuff cos she'd bought her villa and it was time to go. She's bought my plane ticket and everything. Can you beleeve it?

I got to the airport and was waiting round for Barbara and she didnt show up, so I started thinking that maybe Id got the time wrong or summat or maybe she had had another drink-driving accident on the way to the airport. I waited for like 5 hours and was starting to get worried because that's how long it took me to read Heat magazine and then I had nothing else to do.

It was getting late and the airport was empty and I heard these footsteps coming towards me from behind. I looked round and it was Brian. And he was like "Oh Jamie. I've been doing some investigating for you and I'm afraid it was all a lie. Barbara never won the lottery. She just made it all up for attention. When she tried to buy that villa, the mortgage people found out she had no funds in her bank account and confronted her. She tried to attack them and is now been held in a secure unit for her own safety."

I am totally devasted! Who would of thought it? If only I could of seen the signs. I suppose now I'm stuck with Brian and will have to try and ask if I can have my job back. Bastard!

Monday, May 09, 2005

She's going to spend, spend, spend!!!

Now that Barbara is rich, she invited us round to her house for a party (Normally none of use will go cos it stinks of cat wee and cheese and onion pasties). Anyway, when we got there, she was in the garden and had lit a huge bonfire and was burning all her clothes and stuff. "I'm never fucking shopping in Oxfam again!" she said. Miss Thang (my outrageous! drag queen freind) gave a big whoop and then pulled Brian's toupe off and threw it on the fire as well. Brian was so pissed off that he pulled off Miss Thang's wig and threw hers on the fire. Luckily Debbie was there to separate them (she is so good so she should be a bouncer - she sat on them both for 20 minutes until they passed out).

Everyone is being so nice to Barbara it makes me sick sick sick. Its obvious they are only been nice to her cos they want some of her money. Whatever!

Later on, Miss Thang said to Barbara "Honey, there's something different about you. What is it?" And Barbara was like "I've had a face-lift! And Botox!" Then everyone was all like "Oh you look 20 years younger your so fab." It was pathetic! Debbie was kneeling at her feet practically licking between her legs, and Miss Thang was brushing her hair at the same time. Then we were all looking through these holiday brochures and Barbara was like "I'm going to buy a villa in Spain and you can all come and live with me" and stuff.

Nobody wanted to be the first one to leave (cos we were all dieing to slag each other off to Babara) so the party ended up lasting until 8 in the following morning and at that point Barbara collapsed from exhaustion so we all went home at the same time in a bad mood. Brian and Miss Thang had managed to save their wigs from the bonfire - but I think they had each got the wrong one, cos Brian was wearing a burnt, blonde beehive. Luckily, he was too angry and drunk to notice.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Winner Takes All

what a weerd day! I was on my way to the polling station this afternoon, but noticed this cute guy in sicyling shorts going into the loos by the bus station so I went in after him (and lets say a great time was had by all). Anyway, I was feeling a bit thirsty after that so decided to go to Climax for a couple of early evening drinks. And when I got there, Barbara was running round in circles, looking more mad than usual. "I did it!" she kept saying. "I did it. I'm rich!" You know how Brian had been skitting her for not really being a sickic and everything? Well she did a few spells and managed to pick nearly all the right lottery numbers for this week's mid-week draw. "I've won £80,000!" she was screaming. Then she pissed herself and fainted.

Of course, now that she's rich, everyone in Climax was like claiming to be her new best freind and these young lesbians who've never even looked at her before were trying to sit on her knee and shit! The lenghts people will go to for money. Barbara is lucky that I am her REAL FREIND and can protect her against these people. So I was like "fuck off!" to them all. Of course, Barbara wanted to celebrate so we went on a pub crawl round town.

I didnt get home until like 4 in the morning. Brian was sitting up by the tv, with all the lights off, crying. "The Tories got in!" he said. "There was only one vote between Tory and Labour. They had to recount it 30 times. You did vote though Jamie, didn't you?" And then I remembered that I'd used my polling card to clean myself off after that rather nice incident with the man in cycling shorts. Oh well, whatever.

Brian then got a very pissed off at me - and he started throwing stuff around (even his lifesize cut-out model of Captain Kathryn Janeway got ripped up!!!!) so I thought I'd best go out for another walk. I decided to go and do some cottaging again, but when I got to the park, there was this big bulldozer knocking down the toilets. I was like "Stop! you can't do that. I practically live here!" but the workmen just said "It's new policy. These toilets are too expensive to maintain, and besides its only perverts what use them." I cant believe it! If only there was something I could of done! Now where am I supposed to get sex?

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Not in Brian's name!

So Brian woke me up this morning at 10 oclock - how early is that! I normally dont get out of bed until at least 12. And he was all like "Jamie Jamie I need your help. I am going campaigning today." I was like "Calm down Mary, what the fuck are you talking about?"

And then it turns out that there's like an election or something on Thursday (who knew? You'd think it'd have been on the telly or something - I watch Scuzz, TMF and Flaunt 24/7 and no-one's mentioned it on those channels). Anyway, to make it even more bizaarre - Brian is standing for our local seat - as a Liberal or something. He's been doing it for months. I hadnt even noticed, althoguh that explains all those yellow rosettes he keeps wearing (I thought it was just a bad fashion choice) and that poster of the fat ginger man in our window (I thought it was Cilla off Coronation Street in man-drag).

SO anyway, Brian wanted me to go with him and give out leaflets and knock on doors and shit, so I was like "forget it bitch!" But then he said "Well, if I get elected you will be like my first lady - like the Queen!" so I was like "Oh OK, whatever."

Anyways, it was so boorrrrrrring. Brian kept knocking on doors and these pensioners answering and Brian saying "Do you realise that 70 million innocent babies have been killed in the Irack War? Blair is Bush's laptop! Not in my name!" And all the pensioners saying "You what love?" or "I'm voting BNP to keep the blacks out!" or "DOn't you realise this is a marginal seat for Labour and if we voted for you, the Tories would get in you deluded twit."

And all the time I was just standing there, bored as fuck. But then we knocked on one door and this sexy daddy-type-man opened it and he kept staring at me so I started flirting back and licking my lips. And that made it a bit more interesting. So even though it was like boring and stuff, at least I now know where all the closeted hot gay Daddies live (and there are tons of them - I got about 30 phone numbers for "afternoon fun".) So it wasn't totally wasted.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Queen of the Cottage

That bloody Harris has gone and got the police involved in our "lovers tiff" so now I'm not allowed with a half mile raydius of him. Bitch! Still, its only a matter of time before he comes running back.

So last night at the fabulous local gay club Climax, me and my possy were all talking about our lives and shit. Barbara said "I could of told you Harris was bad news - he's a Saggitarius - they're Trouble!" And Brian spat out his cocktail at that and was like "Oh Barabara what are you like! The spirit world doesn't exist. Too much Evette Fielding and Derek Fakora on Living TVs's Most Haunted methinks" (yes, he actually said "methinks" SOmeone remind me why am I with him!)

So Barbara got all upset cos she believes in astrology and spirits and ghosts and all that shit. "There HAS to be SOMETHING MORE THAN THIS SHIT!" she started screaming. It all got a bit frantic, so Brian said "OK, prove it. If youre sycick then what's the next winning lottery numbers going to be?" Barbara then went into a kind of trance and fell to the floor chanting stuff we couldn't understand.

Miss Thang (my sassy 6ft 6 drag queen freind) stood up then - and she was like "Well darlings, I'm so bored of you all I just did a shit in my knickers. See ya, don't wanna be ya!" And then she pulled off Brian's toupee and threw it across the room screaming "Here kitty kitty kitty! Oh, your cats ran off Brian!" So we all got barred again for causing a disturbance.

I decided to go cottaging on the way home (to get rid of all this sexual frushtration I've been having this week). It was a bit crowded when I got there - but I could see the three Cockitt brothers who work in the butchers (theyre dead fit and butch) crammed into a toilet cubicle together in a circle with their pants round their ankles. I tried to go in but they slammed the door and locked it behind them - bitches!

After about an hour they all came out one by one, looking shagged out, ripped clothes and everything. I went into their cubicle to have a look afterwards - what a mess! All I can say is you could hang wall-paper up in there easily. But worst of all - sitting on the loo in the middle of it all and grinning like a fucking Cheshire cat was that fucking HARRIS! This is now total war!!!!

Sunday, May 01, 2005

I so hate students!

I want to thank all my "regular bitches" for there kind words during this (rare) period of sexual frustration for me. Youll all be pleased to know that Laura-slut-bitch-whore is now out of the picture. I can't tell you the full details but here's a clue - Debbie grabbed the little bitch as she was leaving netball practise the other night, held her down and shaved her head. Needless to say, she had a breakdown and is now in a secure unit. It was worth the £30 worth of Tolberone I had to pay Debbie to get her to do it.

So.... anyway, soon after Harris sent me a text which said "I have to meet you!" so I was like "Yes! It's gonna happen." I trimmed my pubic hair, put on body glitter and lip gloss and the tartiest-slut-top I have and went round to his student flat. He got me inside quickly - I could tell he was hot for it. Then it all came out: "I have decided that I want to have a gay experience and I need your help." So I dropped my drawers, jumped on his bed and through my legs in the air. But he was like "Whoa! Whoa! I can't have sex with YOU! I was hoping you'd introduce me to that hot older man I've seen you with - he looks like he knows what he's doing." Can you believe it. BRIAN! He wants to have his "gay experience" with Brian - a 30 year old - practically old enough to be his DAD!!!!

So I was like "OK, you have issues, you obviously want to get fucked by your own Dad. You need councilling." And he was like "But Brian's YOUR boyfriend so you must want to get fucked by your Dad as well." So I said "Don't try to confuse me with your student-speak. Anyway, Brian thinks your a minger so forget it." And then Harris was like "OK then, how about your other freind Keith?" KEITH!!!!! That's even more gross and disgusting than Brian. So I told him that Keith has leporosy (which is practically true) and then he was like "OK, how about that drag queen Miss Thang? Is she available?" At this point I lost the plot. I threw all his student books and his guitar out the window. And before I flounced out I turned to him and said "I am fucking fabulous! Nobody rejects me! Rot in hell bitch! I never want to see you again."

When I got home I sent him a text message but he hasn't replied yet.