Friday, April 29, 2005

Who the fuck is Foucault anyways?

So anyway, I went over to Harris'es student room to give him his massage (and more besides!) He was a bit late coming back - so I sat outside for 2 hours and eventually he arrived. I think he'd been smoking something cos he was a bit vague. Anyway, he said he'd been rehearsing with his band (they're called 'Eating Out Barbie' or something). So he let me in and I pretended to be interested so he put one of his demo cds on and it was like just noise! I tried to help by suggesting that perhaps he does a cover of Kylie's "Cant get you out of my mind" but some people can't take critisism!

Anyway, it was going a bit badly so I tried another tack. I noticed this book (urrrggh!) on his bed so I picked it up and was like "Oh, I've got this it's great isn't it." And he said "Really? You've got a copy of "Foucault's 'Discipline and Punish?' How interesting. WHat was the best bit Jamie?" So I pretended to think and said "Oh, the bit with the man in it. All of it really. Although I didnt like the end, I don't like sad endings." And then he laughed and said "Jamie your really hilarious." So I got out my peppermint foot lotion and was like "Massage Time! Take all your clothes off."

Anyway, he gave me this look and took his shirt off and god!!!!! Come to momma bitch! Then he was like "Do you think I have a good body? Cos I read this magazine article and it says that gay men have higher standards than women so if you can get a gay man to fancy you then it means you really are hot shit."

So I was just putting the peppermint stuff on my hands and he was like "Be gentle with me" and then! Bitch! That blonde piece - his girlfriend Laura-slut-whatever came in and she was all like "What's going on here." So I was like "Chill bitch. Get over it! I won him fair and square." Then she got totally histerical and slapped me. Me! And Harris was like "I think youd better leave Jamie."

Gross or what? Round 1 to LAura-slut-bitch. But the battle ain't over.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

All About Harris

My definitely-closeted boyfriend-to-be Harris must have lost my mobile number so I sent him a text asking him for a drink at Climax, but he wrote back to say he had to go to rugby practice. So invited myself and Debbie and Keith along to watch (a good chance to see him running around in shorts).

ANyway, it was all very phwoaaaar! as you can imagine. He's got lovely pecs and a small bitable bum! There was this blonde bint on the sidelines who was screaming "go Harris!" and it turned out that she's his girlfriend (for now). Anyway, at the end of the match Debbie spilt the contents of a bottle of Iron Bru over her face and she had to go off and get cleaned up. Harris saw us and came over and was like "Where's Laura?" (Laura! Yuck! What sort of posh horsey name is THAT!!!!) So Debbie said "oh she got bored and then she had her period and went home."

Harris said he couldn't come to Climax with us as he was going out drinking with his rugby mates, so we went along as well. Debbie proved to be VERY popular as she could drink them all under the table and was quite happy to show her tits off and sit on their faces and generally be Debbie. I think it went a bit too far though because some of the lads got upset and were crying at the end and stuff.

So that left me with Harris. I took the advice from you lot who always leave comments on here and decided to get him drunk. It didn't take much (tipical student!) so I started asking him about his work-out routine and offered to give him a massage (well I did study health and beauty and hairdressing at Morecambe College for 2 whole weeks before I dropped out cos like I needed to BE MYSELF and FIND OUT WHO I AM by stacking shelves at Asda). He seemed a bit unsertain, saying that he's never had a massage before, so I was like "oh well if you're scared of me and youd rather not have a new expeerience than it doesn't matter." So in the end he agreed and I am going round his room tonight to give him one. And a massage. Ha ha. Wish me luck bitches!

Monday, April 25, 2005

I'm in McLove!

Debbies baby is really getting big - she can eat like two portions of chips a day. Debbie is so proud "She had her first cigarette yesterday!"

ANyway, baby was feeling a bit hungry so we thought we'd nip into McDonalds to get her a cheeseburger and a McFlurry before going on to our great local gay club Climax. Anyway, we were just tucking into our Happy meals when there was all this kerfuffle. All these STUDENTS (I apologise for my bad language) wearing CHARITY SHOP CLOTHES!!!! (noooooo!) burst in with these plackards with writing on them. And they were all chanting "McDonalds kills trees. McDonalds explodes third world cultures. McDonalds makes people fat so they die!"

Debbie got a bit mad cos dissing McDonalds is like calling her mother a whore or something so she got up and started belting these students round the head with there plackards. As you know, all students are soft as shit so they all started crying and most of them ran out.

But there was this one student-boy who was like the ringleader who Debbie had really clobbered and he was lying on the floor going "oooooh ooooo owww!" I kind of tripped over him but then I noticed he was gorgeous (well he would have been if he got some blonde streaks in his hair and went to TopMan). So I was all like "are you ok? My name's Jamie." And then I realised that I dont know how to talk to students so I didn't know what to say so I just stared at his huge crotch. And I think at that moment I fell in love with him.

Then Debbie came over and she was like "Jamie, get up, we have to go to Climax RIGHT NOW!" And then the student got all interested and he was like "Are you gay? Wow. That's so cool. I've never met a gay lad before but my girlfriend had to do an essay on gender performance. Wow, you are so cool. Can I come to Climax with you?"

So we were like "OK, whatever bitch!" but I was secretly pleased because he is so gorgeous and I'm sure he's just in the closet. Anyway, he is called Harris (what sort of stupid name is that!) and is from Bristol (where the fuck is that?) And now I have his mobile number so I guess this is just the start. I've never felt like this about anyone before. My tummy is all tingly!!! I bet he has a big cock. What do you reckon?

Sunday, April 24, 2005

I have a dream...

Well kids, we are all back in Britin, no thanks to Debbie who had a huge air-rage attack on the plane (they caught her smoking in the toilets and when they tried to stop her she severed an artery of one of the air hostesses by biting her on the neck. Four big men had to sit on her to keep her restrained. They were bruised and crying by the time the plane landed. Meanwhile, I "set up shop" in the toilet (well, Debbie wouldn't be needing it anymore) and had a rather nice time with three of the trolley dolleys.

Oh my god though! Life is like so boring now I am back in this country. I hate Asda. They've put me in the booth selling lottery tickets - as a punishment for "cheeking the boss" and "having an attitude" (I am all about the 'tude). So I have to sit there and deal with all the smelly chav old ladies rubbing fucking lucky trolls and four leaf clovers over their lottery tickets.

You know what though - one day I'm going to be rich and famous and a sillebrity. And then I'll have it all. I'll leave this stupid boring city and go and live in my own 2 bedroomed flat in Manchester above a pub on Canal Street (or Salford even if there aren't any available - I can wait until one comes free I suppose) and all the furniture will be that posh stuff from Ikea (and not from the damaged stock either!) and I'll be able to afford as much KFC and Cadburys Creme eggs as I want. And I'll never get fat or old cos I'll just have lipsuction and a face lift once a month. And I'll walk down that fucking Canal Street and everyone'll be like "Who's that? I've fallen in love with him! I have to have him!" An' I'll be all like "Fuck off all of you. Don't you know WHO I AM! I am JAMIE4U! I only shag closeted footballers and people who used to be in boybands. So get over it!"

You so know its gonna happen.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Jamie International!

What a MAD couple of days! I've been out of my head on drugs for the past 48 hours so can only remember like the highlights of Amsterdam. SPent all night dancing at this fab gay club which had a dark room. I've never been in one of those before - but it was fabulous and I must have had about 30 guys (bit of a quiet night for me that!) Didn't get back to the hotel until 7 in the morning and Brian was a bit pissed off. "I came here to sample the culture" he was all sniffy. "I want to go to Anne Franks house." So I was like "Who the fucks ANne Frank when she's at home." Luckily Miss Thang explained: "SHe was this French pop star in the 1930s. She made the first ever pop video. She was the Kylie of her time."

So we ended up going to this ANne Franks house, but it was so boring. Just a house. Youd have thunk they'd have had some of her pop videos and stuff. SO I asked one of the people who worked there, "Can I listen to some of her hits?" but they just looked at me like in shock- well it's not my fault I dont speak French!!!

Afterwards we all had some more drugs and then went to the red light district. Miss Thang got into a fight with some prostitutes cos she was stealing their trade. So we escaped into a sex show. It was dead funny - this woman came and rubbed her minge in Brian's face. He just had to sit there and let her cos it was rude not to. Then these two really hot gay twins came out and stripped and they picked me to go up on stage with them and basically, you can imagine what happened, I had a great time and Brian's eyes were out on stalks. Afterwards, I was just cleaning my face off and Debbie said "I want you to be my baby's god-father. You're so cool!" So I was like "Yeah, whatever bitch!" Just so long as I dont have to buy him stuff. But I'm secretly pleased and have decided that I will try to help her baby to be as cool as me (and not as fat, as let's face it, his Mother is Debbie so he's bound to be a bit of a porker!)

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


I am writing this from an internet cafe in AMSTERDAMN! Can you beelive it? Neither can I!!! Well, after Debbie had her baby surprise, everyone decided that we need a holiday so Easyjet were offering these cheap flights. This is my first time in France and I must say it is great - the French are amazing and Amsterdamn is a wonderful city! Everyone here is gay and on drugs all the time! It's like heaven!

We had a bit of trouble at Liverpool airport. I had three suitcases full of clothes (well we are going to be there for 2 days so I'll need lots of costume changes) and at check-in they were like "Your over you're limit." and so Brian had to pay the excess. There was also a bit of a problem because Miss Thang shouted "Look out everyone, that man has a bomb up his anus!" and pointed at Brian, so they both got hauled off for four hours and we had to get a later plane. I was so pissed off.

Anyway, never mind, we're hear and its great. We're all going to go to the red light district tonight. I'm supposed to send Keith a text message to say we got here OK (he's looking after Debbie's baby - well someone had to stay behind and Debbie DESERVES a holiday!) but I dont have time. Oh well. See yous all later beetches!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Jamie4U 1 Janeway 0

Hi Beetchen, so I have like moved into Brian's flat. I didnt like any of Brians stuff so Ive had it thrown out and we went to MFI and he bought a load of new things instead, beds and shit. To sellebrate I decided to throw a huge party and invite all my freinds round: Debbie, Keith, Barbara, Miss Thang and her drag queen possey. Brian was a bit nervous "do you think I should lock away my Jesus Christ Superstar memoriliba and lifesize cut-out of Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek Voyager?" BUt I was like "Oh fuck off, Im too busy putting in highlights to care."

The party was fab anyhow. I was only supposed to invite like 10 people but word got round and there must of been 200 in Brians flat at the end. The drag queens all got on the kitchen table and sang a medley of Diana Ross songs - fabuloza! Sadly, the table broke and they fell off and one of them is now in traction. Ha ha ha!

Barbara brought all her drugs along "What letter of the alfabet do you want Jamie love?" she asked. "I've got E and K and LSD and XYZ." I had a bit of everything, just to be polite. I also had a bit of the lad who works in the butchers - cant remember his name. But we sneaked off into the bathroom and locked ourselves in for our "wedding night". God - what a six pack!

ANyway, the climax came at the end of the night when Debbie suddenly pissed herself all over Brian's new carpet. "What's happening? What's happening?" she kept saying. "I feel funny, like something's moving inside me!" Then she fell in her own piss and started screaming. All the drag queens joined in the drama and started screaming "It's an alien! She has an alien in her!!! Where's Sigorney Weever?" . And youll never guess!!!! 10 minutes later Debbie had had a baby!!!!!!! She's so fat anyway, she never even knew she was pregnant. What a drama. I had to go with her to the hospital and she was screaming "More drugs more drugs!" all the way.

When I got home the party was over and Brian was sitting crying in the middle of the sitting room, in Debbie's piss, trying to sellotape the lifesize Captain Kathryn Janeway back together. Poor Bitch. Both of them I mean.

Friday, April 15, 2005

The Haunting of Jamie4U

The last few days have been so weerd I dont know how to begin to tell you.

After I was hounded out of Climax by EVERYONE(!) I went home, crying all the way. I decided to kill myself, like Keith so THEY'D all feel guilty too. But then I thought of a better idea. I would just pretend to take an overdose of parasetamol and that would have the same effect.

So I got home and wrote all these notes to people saying "Now Im dead and its your fault you beetches, youll never be as cool as me." And I took three parasetamol (I had to make it look beleevable and through the rest down the loo. Then I put on my fake tan and my best club outfit and lay down on the bed...

Anyway, then it all got really weerd and shit because I must have fallen asleep. Perhaps I did die! Who knows? It was all dark and I heard this voice saying "Jamie" Jamie!" Then the door of my bedroom opened and this figure came in but it was too dark for me to see and for some reason I couldn't move. There was this bright light then in my eyes and then I saw who it was. It was Keith! Shit! Barbara had been right all along! He was coming back to haunt me.

"Go back to the garden centre" I said. "You were happy there. Haunt the garden centre instead." But he just kind of floated towards me. Then I passed out.

When I woke up it was daylight and I realised I had been asleep for two days. I got up and went downstairs for breakfast (Cocopops and a packet of ciggies). I put the telly on and guess what? Keith was on the local news!!!! It turns out there was like a mix-up at the hospital - there was this 82 year old man also called Keith at the hospital who had died and they had buried him thinking it was the other Keith. Its all over the news and the conservatives want Keith to join there election campaign.

Anyway, my mobile had like 200 text messages on it from everyone and I am popular and Queen Beetch again. We all had a huge party at Climax to celebrate both me and Keith's failed suicide attempts. And guess what? Brian has asked me to move in to his flat. I cant decide what to do. He does have a nice flat with all this pine furniture (and its right above a KFC) but I dont know if I love him. Or even like him. Oh my life is such a soap opear right now.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

No-one has ever DARED treat me like this.

So I had arranged to meet everyone last night in Climax our fablous local gay club, but nobody was answering my text mssages - must be a fault with the phone or something, so I turned up anyway, and everyone was sitting by the bar: Debbie, Brian, Miss Thang and Barbara. I was all like "hi beetches!" and shit but they all just gave me this funny look.

"Keith's dead!" Debbie said. "And you couldn't even be arsed to go to his funral you little shit!"

"It was mainly your fault he killed himself," said Brian. "And by the way, your dumped!" Then he did that thing with his mouth where it goes all small like an anus.

I was in shock! No-one has ever dared speak to me like that before. "Miss THang!" I said "Say something! Brian and Debbie are picking on me."

"I can see how you'd think I'd be your best bet," said Miss THang. "But for once I agree with Brian. You are a cunt Jamie. Even I was at Keith's funeral and I didn't even like him."

Then Barbara came out of one of her trances and said "I have been communicating with Keith from the other side and he is a restless soul wandering around the Garden Centre (it's where he was most happy) and he is a vengeful spirit and is going to enact an awful revenge on you Jamie."

Then everyone started chanting "Fuck off Jamie forever" and then the whole of Climax joined in so I ran out crying. ANd they were all laughing behind me but it wasn't ha-ha-April-fools laughing it was we-hate-you laughing. Fuck! What am I going to do now?

Monday, April 11, 2005

Acting is hard!

Everyone was going to Keith's funeral today. I was thinking of going to it as I had a great new outfit from JJB Sports and as it had some black in it I thought it might go well - I'd also heard that the vicar might be gay, and he's someone I've not had yet. But anyway, I got watching this grate epsiode of Trisha so I ended up missing the whole thing. Oh well.

Anyway, who cares about Keith's boring suicide when there's my acting career to think about. Norman, my agent came round to take publicity photos. As the film is like syence fiction and I play a gay alien (a gaylien!!), I had made a constume for myself out of bin bags and tin foil. However, Norman seemed more interested in taking photos of me while I was changing clothes, rather than wearing them. He also left me a script. It's so difficult, I have so much to remember - I'll never be able to learn those four lines. One of them is "I am from the planet Zod. Our planet is dying and needs life essence of Earthmen so we can repopulate. Please take off your garments so I can examine you." After that there's just dot dot dot in the script. I asked Norman what dot dot dot means and he just smiled. It must be a special acting code or something. I'm sure I'll find out tomorrow when I go to this old warehouse that Norman is using to do the filming.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

I am going to be famous

Yes its true. Miss Thang (my fabulous drag queen best freind) texted me this morning to say "Do U wanna B in a movie beetch? Meet me outsd Argos at 10". So I got there and she had this greasy fat guy with her called Norman. "Norman's my agent," she said. "He's what gets me all my bookings at gay venues around the UK." Norman was really weerd - he never speaks, was just stairing at me all the time. He had all these food stains down his shirt as well. Guh-ross!

Anyway, Miss Thang explained that Norman is making a film. "Its gonna be dead artistic and stuff. Its called 'The Cocksucker's Guide to the Galaxy'
And he wants you to be in it. You'll be paid £100. Are you interested?"

Of course I am! Me! I'm going to be famous! My luck is really on the up-turn now. You'd beeter make the most of my little diary entries here cos soon I'll be too important and busy to bother with you lot. Filming starts next week.

I was going to phone Brian and tell him all about it but then I remembered that he's at the hospital, keeping a 24/7 vigil over Keith. Whatever!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The bitch is back in town!

You are all going to be so proud of me. I decided to have a carefrontation with Brian about why he has decided to dump me and go out withe Keith instead. So I put some extra blonde streaks in my hair and wore a black see-through mesh vest and my shorts with all the rips in the crotch and then I went round his flat.

"I want to know what Keith has that I haven;t?" I asked him. He then started on with some stupid answer like "Keith cares for me and you treat me like rubbish all the time."

"Just because I ignore you all the time and diss you to everyone, it don't mean I don't like having you around." I told him - which is about the closest I have ever got to like saying "I love you!"

Anyway, just to show him what he was missing, I pretended to drop my mobile phone (I was texting Debbie while we were talking) and then had to bend over to pick it up. And I made sure I wiggled my bum. That did the trick and Brian was soon on the floor, begging me to take him back. Victory!

So I was like, "OK, I'll have you back but you have to phone Keith now and tell him he's dumped. And you find him sexually repulsive." Of course, he did what I told him. Ha! That'll learn Keith!

Afterwards, I made Brian take me down the town centre to buy me loads of clothes from Top Man and jewllrey from H Samyel. Although, after about an hour I was getting bored of being around him, so I managed to lose him in the Arndale Center.

I've like gained so much in the past few days. Not only all the stuff Brian's bought me. But I feel like I've really grown up and faced my fears and all that. That don't mean I'm going to get all boring and shit on you all, but I do feel like I've taken my relationship with Brian to the next level and stuff.

Monday, April 04, 2005

The Jamie4U Fanta Diet

Well, the best way of getting over a broken heart is to do a good deed for others. So I am going to finally answer the dozens of emails from all my fat fans who keep writing to ask how an 18 year old like me maintains such a slim, 26 inch waist figure. Here is the Jamie4U Diet Plan:

A cup of black coffee (cos the milks gone off and 3 ciggies). I normally don't bother with breakfast though.

A Mars Bar and a bag of Pickled Onion Flava Monster Munch. Or Bag of chips. Fanta.

Findus Crispy Pancakes and chips (With four slices of Homepride white bread) or McDonalds Happy Meal or three bags of crisps. King Size Mars Bar or Buttersctoch flava Angel Delight for a sweet. Can of coke.

Bowl of Coco Pops.

I'm sure that if you maintain this diet then you too will look as good as me forever.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

The Dreams in Which I'm Dieing

Well since my tragic relationship break-up all my REAL freinds have rallyed round me. (Thankyou for all your emails and offers of sex. I promise that I will get round to all of you eventually.) Miss Thing said "I never liked Brian anyway, he was stuck-up and had an anus-mouth, here love, have an E." Debbie has offered to kill Brian and Keith for me by sitting on their faces until they sufocate. And Barbara invited me to her weerd house so that we could do a cleansing ritual. I had to take an item of clothing that Brian had given me (so I brought along some underwear) and then we turned off all the lights and lit candles and drew a pentanglagram on the floor with a purple felt tip pen and put the underwear in the middle and then we set fire to it and Barbara said "Spirits of NeverNever Land! Cleanse this Child! Make Everything OK Again. Oh and could you do something about my blocked pipes?"

Afterwards we had a cup of tea and Barbara put on some porn, but I was still feeling miserable and couldn't stop crying. "Life's so crap!" she said. "I know how to end the pain Jamie, let's do a suicide pact. We'll both kill ourselves right now and leave a note saying 'FUCK OFF EVERYONE'. I've been hoarding pills for years. Let's do it!" Then I got a bit frightened because I could tell like she really meant it. So I said "I have to go now." And then she got really embarrassed and was all "I was only joking" but we both knew she wasn't.

Anyway, I've been trying to drown out the pain of my life by going cottaging. I "set up shop" in these loos at the top of a car park in the town centre and just took on all-comers. Apparently word got round and there was a queue right the way down three flights of stairs. See Brian. Everyone fancies me. That'll teach you!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

The worst day of my life

So anyway, youre all probablys wondering what happened at Brian's birthday party the other night. We were all supposed to meet up at Pizza Hut for a meal and then go on to the fabulous local nightclub "Climax" after. Well that was the plan but I decided that my hair was a right mess so I needed to put blonde streaks in it and so I ended up being three hours late and missed the Pizza Hut thing. Then I had a bit of text sex with this guy on gaydar and stuff and so it wasn't until about midnight when I got to Climax (got to Climax - get it!!!! So hilarious)

I'd also decided to dump Brian after giving him his present, cos 30 is really too old for me and I don't do old. Except I forgot his stupid Harry Potter book so I was just going to say "Happy Birthday Beeyotch" and then like dump him when I got there.

But you'd never guess what. I got there and it took me ages to find him and Debbie and Miss Thing and Barbara were all like giggling in the corner and acting really stupid and drunk and they wouldn't say where Brian was. I guessed he might be in the loos as he has a weak bladder and needs to take a piss about once every 30 minutes. So I went in there and CUNT! He was snogging Keith!!!!!!!!!!!! My best freind kissing my boyfreind.

It turns out that their both in a relationship now and (I can't bring myself to say this) *I* have been dumped by a 30 year old. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! There is like, no worse disgrace. Anyway, I let out a scream that brought everyone running and then we had this big showdown - I attacked them both and was crying, and slipped on the wet floor and hurt my head, and then Debbie came in and thumped everyone and dragged everyone outside, and Miss Thing started screaming (I don't know why - probably cos no-one was giving her any attention) and Barbara pissed herself andwe all have been barred for 2 weeks.

Anyway, I have had a day to calm down and now I will have my revenge. I want you all to know that Keith has a photo of his own Dad wearing just swimming trunks and he keeps it with his gay porn stash. Gross or what. No wonder he's with a pensioner like Brian. And as for Brian - well, what can I say? He likes people to wee on him and wear frilly women's knickers.

I have plenty more to tell about both of them, but am far too upset to write any more tonight. All I can say is that I am like devasted and my life will never be the same again.