Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Only the echoes of my mind.

Everyone's talking about me (here, here, here and here). But I don't hear a word they're saying....

Anyway, can you belive it's Brian's (my sometimes boyfriend when I can't get anything better) birthday today? And he's like 30! Old. Old. Old. I am seriously considering dumping him, what do you think? I'm having like one of my blonde dizzy days and can't make a decision today so will go with what the majority of people write in the comments box.

Keith (my other, boring freind who is in love with me) was all like "Oh Jamie we have to get Brian a birthday present." So I said "Look love, I don't buy presents, I have presents BOUGHT for me." But he offered to pay and stuff so I was all "OK then". And then we had to go to this place to get a present. I'm still feeling sick thinking about it. Disgusting. I never knew that places like that existed. It was this shop, right. And all it sold was books. BOOKS! I know, what an idea! I thought Keith was having me on at first, but such places do exist. So we went in and Keith bought a book called "Harry Potter Something or Other". But then I started to feel like I was going to throw up being surrounded by all these bloody books - the smell of them! And all these people looking at them! Like, who ARE they? Oh it was horrible. I'm never going back. I felt so ill I had to go to McDonalds afterwards to recover. And I was still shaking because I spilt a whole McFlurry all over Keith. Still, at least we had that Harry Potter thing to mop it up with so it wasn't completely useless. I don't think Brian will notice.

Monday, March 28, 2005

I am beautiful in every single way.

Despite the fact that Debbie is in a wheelchair and has most of her head in a plaster cast, she has discharged herself. You are porbably asking yourself "why?" Well I will tell you. Do you remember a while ago when my new best freind Barbara read my tarot and told me I was going to be famous? And you may aslo remember that me and Debbie had done a Karioke in Manchester the other week and everyone had been dead impressed. Well - guess what you'll never beleive it - there is a new series of Pop Idol and they are auditioning for it in Manchester. This one is to find the best duo. Well, the auditions were like TODAY so I had to bust Debbie out of hospital so we could get there in time. I know, I can't beleive it either. Fortunately we didn't need to practice our song because we both have like NATRUAL TALENT. We both had to rush to get into our costumes (matching white demin outfits). We also made up the name of our act which is "JADEB" (it's half my name and half Debbie's name).

Anyway, we had to cue at this hotel all day to get seen - and first we had to do a practice audition in front of these nobody tv researchers. We heard them tell someone that they only let the very best and the very worst through to the proper auditions in front of Simon Cowl and the other judges. I don't need to tell you that we were so good that we got through to the proper audition without even having to try. Those researchers could spot real talent when they heard it, and even though we like forgot half the lyrics and had to start again twice (Debbie was on morphine for the pain so you can't really blame her).

Anyway, after waiting like another three hours we finally got taken into the audition room and there was Simon Cowl and these two other people who I didn't know but they're supposed to be like famous or something. Whatever! So we did our song (Beautiful by Christina Agwilaria). I could tell that we were making a huge impact on the three judges because they were all sitting there with this faraway expression on there faces. Debbie had brought along her maracas as well, and I did some of my famous break-dancing halfway through. I could tell that I touched and moved everybody in the room because one of the judges was actually CRYING when we finished and the other judge had to leave the room halfway through because we were so good.

Anyway, we finished and waited to hear Simon Cowl say the words "you're through to the next round." But there was a very long silence and then Simon said "OK. How did you think you did?" I thought I had better be a bit modest so I said "We haven't had much time to practice but I think we'll make great tv." They all nodded their heads at this and Simon said "Yes, you'd be amazing on tv. Unfortunately we can't let you through to the next round."

Debbie then started to get a bit angry as her pills were wearing off, so she rolled up her sleeves and started to push her wheelchair towards the judges table, saying "You fucking cunt, I'm gonna fuckalise you!" Simon leapt up and shouted "get this lunatic out of here!" and then these security guards jumped on us and dragged us out.

I am like so disappointed because I was really good and if it hand't been for Debbie I'm sure we would have got through. We had a huge fight in the streets outside and I got so mad that I turned off the brakes of her wheelchair and pushed it down the hill shouting "fuck off you bitch!" Then I got the train home.

When I got back I talked it all over with Brian and he says they'll probably show us on the actual tv show when it airs and I'm sure that a talent scout will spot us and snap us up straight away. Brian said I should get in touch with Debbie so I said I would to see if she's ready to apologise so I sent her a text message but she hasn't replied. Oh well.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

This is why my life is more exiting than yours

hat a great night. You know what, I wasn't really looking forward to it as I have this awful sore throat and bad cold coming on and I was sneezing everywhere in the car and had to gargle with some of Barbara's whiskey from her mini-bar in the glove compartment (she had some too just to be on the safe side and to calm her nerves as she gets a bit stressed out when she has to drive). Anyway, the clubs in Blackpool were great and I snogged 16 cute guys. Brian (my on-off boyfriend) was like dead jealous and kept spoiling it by banging on the cubicle door saying "Jamie Jamie are you in there? Come out!" Hilarious or what?

There was this right ugly minger who Keith fancied but he's always like too shy to do anything about it, so I thought I would be a good freind and so I went up to the minger and said "Hey beyotch! See that lad over there - the one with the skin problems and anorak - he wants to shag ya! So What ya gonna do about it then?" The minger was about to go over and talk to Keith, but then I thought I'd better be totally honest with him about Keith as there's no point in getting Keith's hopes up so I said "Oh, by the way - he's only got a 1 inch dick and I think he might have an SDT." So the minger changed his mind and Keith had to get chips on his own again.

I don't know what happened to everyone else, because before I knew it, it was like 4 in the morning and I woke up lying face down on the floor of the toilets in this club that I don't remember going into. I never did find my underwear.

Anyway, it turns out I had such a lucky escape because you'll never beleive it but Barbara had a horrible car accident on the way back from Blackpool. She escaped unharmed (she'd drunk so much that she was numb to pain), but Brian, Keith and Debbie have all been rushed to intensive care. Can you beleive it? It could of been me! I could of died in that accident! I can't beleive it. I have been running round all morning telling everyone I know - I also had a scene in the hospital when I tried to see them and they wouldn't let me.

In the end, I got to see them - I think Debbie will be OK - her fat cushioned her from most of the impact (the doctors said it was better than an airbag), and although she won't be able to eat solids for three weeks, she'll be able to live off all her fat. So been morbidly obese has actually SAVED her life TWICE! Brian and Keith, it turns out, only got cuts and bruises. I was dead disappointed when I found out - I was all ready to cry and was picking out my funeral clothes from Topman and had a speech ready and stuff and then they're OK. Typical. Still, I bet you are all jealous as anything reading this because now you know how exiting my life is and how boring yours is in comparison.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Barbara Bargain Boozed

I have a NEW FREIND. I met her because she was in the queue in front of me in Bargain Booze. I was getting lottery tickets, ciggies and 10 giant Easter eggs for Debbie when this woman with huge round glasses and big brown and grey frizzy hair and these weird 1970s clothes in queue in front of me suddenly made a run for the door, and the barriers went up and all the alarms went off. She was trying to steal three bottles of vodka. Anyway, the shop keeper phoned the police, but then this woman started screaming "I'm not going back to prison! I'm not going back to prison" and she started turning purple and fell on the ground. The shop keeper went in the back to get his first aid kit, and the woman jumped up as quick as she could, broke threw the barriers and ran away. I noticed she'd left one of the bottles of vodka behind so I chased after her, "forgetting" to pay for my stuff as well luckily.

Anyway, her name is Barbara and she is a 53 year old lesbian incontinent alcoholic. she had an old car parked round the corner and offered me a lift home, so I said yes. I soon regretted it though because she is like the worst driver in the world (even worse than Debbie who has failed her test 18 times and is in the Guiness Book of World Records). We had only been driving for 2 minutes and she crashed into another car, got into a fight with two other drivers and fell over. Anyway, she was in such a state that we ended up having to leave her car in the middle of the roundabout and getting a taxi to her house.

She lives in this really weerd stinky house with four floors and about thirty cats. All of the walls are painted like red and purple and black and silver and everything smells of dope. She made me a herbal tea (have you ever had one of those before - it's like hot water that tastes of bubble gum) and then said she is a siycick and would do my tarot and horoscope. Anyway, it was dead good and she said "Jamie! You're going to be famous! I can see you on the telly with Ant and Dec!" Anyway, we are now like best freinds and everything and she's coming out with me and Debbie and Brian and Keith tonight to Blackpool. She's offered to drive us, which is good. "I've even got a minibar in my glove compartment" she told me. It's going to be great.

Friday, March 18, 2005

My coming out story.

My coming out story.

I have been "out" for a whole year today. God it seems like forever. Anyway, this is my coming out story. I hope you like it, I feel we know each other well enough now for me to reveal it.

It was like a Wednesday or something and me and all these girls on my hairdressing course had gone to McDonalds because it was one of there birthdays. Anyway, one of them, Kerry, had this boyfriend Craig, who was really good-looking - he was wearing ripped jeans and had black hair and a suntan and he went to the gym so he had massive muscles. And normally i am like dead loud and the centre of everything, but I couldn't stop stairing at him because he was gorgious. Anyway, he went to the loos and I had to go at the same time, so we were standing at the urinals and I was trying to lean over to see his dick and he said "what are you like gay or something?" and I said "yes", so we ended up having sex in the toilet for 2 hours and his girlfreidn Kerry ended up coming into the men's toilets because she was worried about what had happeend to us, and she caught us and freaked out and ran outside and told everyone. Then she took an overdose and nearly died. Then me and Craig were like boyfriends for a whole week, but then I got bored of him and dumped him because he was too clingy and I needed like SPACE and FREEDOM to BE MYSELF.

Anyway, it is a great story and I hope that now you have read it you will be inspired to "come out" too.

Monday, March 14, 2005

I (almost) heart Alistair Appleton

Have you seen Alistair Appleton on various tv shows like Cash in the Attic and House Doctor? Guess what it turns out he is gay. He's actually like totally out of my age range (born in 1970 so that makes him like 47), but he's what Debbie calls a "silver fox". I think that means he might be old but he's looked after himself. Anyway, I've discovered his blog - it's not as good as mine - I don't think he's very good at spelling or anything. I was expecting it to be really good cos he's on tv and should live a glamrous life and everything, but instead he just goes on about Buddishm, boring German films and stuff. YOu'd think that cos he goes on holiday to cities like Rio and Germany that he'd be livin' it large on the worldwide gay scene, but instead it's all this history and arkitecture stuff. Big yawns!

Still, he is reasonably hot so I left a message in his guestbook:

Hi Alistair, your a bit old for me (my age range is like between 18-19) and you're hair is now too grey, but my freind Debbie says youre a "silver fox" so I'd probably let you shag me once or twice just so's I could get a job as a tv presenter. What about it? I'm a dead good shag as most of the gay men in the northwest region can testify, dont worry about that sore on my bum Im sure it'll cleer up soon. Kisses and seeya! Jamie4U. PS CHeck out my web log its much more interesting than yours!

I've checked my email and he's not replied so he obvbiously mustnt be checking his guestbook regularly. He'd better hurry up though - I bore easily.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Debbie is woman, hear her roar.

At the weekend me and Debbie and Brian and keith went to Manchester for a day out shopping. I love Manchester and my ambition in life is to move there. Or Salford. It's got such a grate gay scene - called Canal Street. You may of seen it on that tv programme, Queer As Folk, which like totally CHANGED MY LIFE! Everyone says that I look just like the young guy in it, the school-boy (except I have dark hair and am thinner and better looking). Anyway, we went on Canal Street where it is all happening. It's like a Gay Disneyland. I can't tell you how many guys were staring and cruizing me but needless to say, I got so many hot boyz giving me there mobile phone numbers that my mobile ran out of memory to store them all, and I had to end up writing them on Debbie's hand.

Anyway, we went into these pubs - which were a bit posh by our standards (well it is Manchester so they have to cater for the yuppies), there was a karoake night on, so me and Debbie got up and did our medley from Steps - with all the hand actions and everything. I can tell that all the locals were dead impressed and had not seen anything as good as it before because they were all standing there with their mouths hanging open and they forgot to clap, they were so taken aback by our great performance.

Anyway, soon afterwards, Debbie decided that she'd pull a fella, so we looked round for someone who looked straight or at least bi. Finally she found one that she liked the looks of, so I cornered him and said "My mate wants to shag you, how about it then?" He looked a bit scared and said "Who is he?" I realised that he was gay after all (Debbie's gaydar is sooooo rubbish!) so I had to think fast and told him that Debbie was actually a famous drag queen from London who was up here doing a tv programme for Channel 4. "She's not as fat as she looks - it's mostly padding." Anyway, he looked like he was falling for it, so agreed to let Debbie buy him a drink. I left them do it as I had other business to attend to in the loos.

When I came out 30 minutes later, I found Debbie sitting on her own, looking miserable. "I've been dumped!" she cried. "It was just as well, he was so weird. He kept asking me what my tits were made of." I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth that he thought she was a man in drag. Still, I helped her get over it - we picked on some random students on the way back to the car and Debbie threw her coke all over them and called them all cunts. So it all worked out for the best.

Incidentally, check out this site called SPanishstud. Here's a picture from it.

I was going to email them both, but they look a bit posh and intellectual so I don't think I'll bother.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Allsorts going on at work

I keep getting emails and shit from like EVERYONE saying why haven't I updated. Well, like the Pope, I'm not well. Remember my new boss Simon at work who made me work in the wearhouse all the time on my own. Well it was just a plot because he wanted to get me alone so he could shag me. I should of seen it coming - everybody fancies me. Anyway, I went along with it at first, although he's way out of my age range (he's 25 which is about 5 years older than I normally go with), he is quite powerful at work and looks good in his manager's suit, which he says he gets from somewhere called "Next". Funny name for a shop that. Wonder why I've never heard of it before?

Anyway, we were like having sex behind some boxes of sanitary pads in the warehouse every day for a week. It's so wierd doing it with older men. They take ages to finish themselves off (about three minutes). He also has a couple of grey hairs. Urrrgh! Gross or what. It's like being with my grand-dad or summat. And what's with all that fat round his stomach? Is that what I have coming to me? He must have at least a 32 inch waist. So, to be honest, I was getting a bit tired of it all. I mean a week is practically a long term relationship. And he's quite boring really. All he could talk about was going to "Ikea" with his wife. I have no idea what or where Ikea is. Can anyone explain? It's like he's from a different planet to me or something.

Anyway, I was on the verge of dumping him, when there was some excitement. First of all - his wife came into the supermarket and slapped Debbie across the face FOR NO REASON AT ALL. Or so we thought. It turned out that he'd given his wife sphyllis and then had to confess that he'd been having an affair at work. But rather than say it was with me, he said it was Debbie's fault. I can tell you, I was like SO GLAD that there are so many gay men still living frightened and miserable lives in the closet - if it wasn't for that fact I'd be scared to walk the streets as half the married women round here would want to kill me!

Anyway, you don't mess with Debbie (even when she HAS been having an affair with your husband), she's a big girl. So she thumped the wife and knocked her flat on her face. And then she sat on the wife's face until she was practically suffocated. They had to take her away in an ambulance. Then Debbie had one of her fake panic attacks and so she had to go in another ambulance.

They had to have an inquiry or something from Head Office and it all came out, and Simon got the sack for "abusing his position". Debbie and me both got a £50 gift voucher each to not go to the papers. So it all worked out grate for us both. Debbie has eaten most of her money (chocolate and McDonalds). And I have stocked up on my supply of E, so we're both happy.

On a completely unrelated topic though, I've been feeling really unwell lately. I had a big sore on my cock for a few days, then it went away. Now I have this weird skin rash. Never mind, I'm sure it'll clear up soon.