Monday, January 24, 2005

Random thoughts and shit

Have you seen the Boys of Manchester University calender? I can't be certain, but I think I've had three of them (not at the same time though - what sort of slaper do you think I am?) They're all a bit fat and minging really though - sigh - I always end up compromising my standards.

I can't believe that Celebrity Big Brother is over. Like, what am I expected to watch on tv now? I've spent over £50 in texting in phone votes. I think it was me who single-handedly got Jeremy Edwards voted out. Anyway, Debbie and Keith both think I should apply to go on Big Brother this year - "You'll walk the auditions Jamie" said Debbie. I think I will probably apply - after all, they've never had a cute, straight-acting gay man on before who can be like a role model for everyone.

I am totally hating work at the moment, this new boss Simon has started and he's like totally homophobic and everything. He says that me and Debbie talk too much (to be fair, Debbie is a lazy bitch sometimes), and he's separated us. I have to work in the warehouse all the time now. It's really miserable and lonely in there. And as there is no natural light at all I'll probably get rickets or soemthing. I wonder if I can sue them?

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Don't go and see Team America

me and Debbie and Keith and Brian and Miss Thing and Miss Lulu and Miss Smelly Discharge decided to go to the pictures last night as we were so bored of going to Climax 2000. I never bother seeing what's on in advance (people who read reviews of films and spend ages deciding what to see are total control-freak bores and probably spend 110% of their lives washing down their kitchen worktops or something). So anyway, we just turned up at the multiplecks. There was this cartoon called "Team America" that Brian wanted to see - "It's really good Jamie! Dead funny!" So we ended up going to see it (although the drag queens somehow got lost taking Kristal, Tina and Mary-Jane in the ladies loos so we didn't see them again).

The film started off good, but I soon got a bit bored - it was like supposed to be funny or something, but it turned out that it was about France and politics and stuff - all that does my head in. Who cares? So after ten minutes I sneaked out to the men's loos. There was these two chavs in there, so I started at them and they stared back and said "what are you fucking looking at?" so I said "fancy a blow job lads?" Anyway, I had a much better time than anyone else (except maybe the drag queens who were totally out of it). I think Brian was a bit pissed off at me because he didn't say anything to me in the car on the way home. And Debbie was kind of in a sugar trance because she'd had one of those giant £5.99 packets of M&Ms to herself.

When we got home, I got out of the car and Brian said "Goodbye Jamie. Forever. And by the way, you've got cum all down the front of your jacket." Then he drove off.

Twenty minutes later he sent me a text message, but I think I must have deleted it by pressing the wrong button. Oh well.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Some culture in the town centre

So anyway, me and Miss Thang were down the town centre at the weekend, and we went into this posh place called Cafe Neros. Miss Thang was wearing "full drag" (which means she was fully clothed in women's clothing - outrageous!!!) and all of these boring straight couples were staring and poiting and whispering about her behind her back. So she whirled round at them and gave them all a gobful of abuse "What the fuck're ya all looking at, ya fat cunts!" They didn't know what to say, so they just kind of sat there looking shocked. "Well fuck off then!" Miss Thang said again, and threw a biscotti at them (which is apparently an Italian biscuit (god I am like so cultured these days) - but I'd rather have a Jaffa cake anyday).

Later on Miss Thang told me that the worst insult you can call a woman is a fat cunt: "Because all women hate being called fat, they all secretly think they are and if you tell them they are to their faces in public it will instantly make them bulimic and they might actually DIE. So you must be very careful about using such a powerful word on them. Also the "c" word is the worst thing you can say to them. I know what I'm talking about Jamie, I have INSITE into women's brains because I'm a drag queen." I asked her what was the worst insult you could call a man and she said "Cocksucking fairy!" She's like so wise. But I must say, she's not very good at putting make-up on, she'd smeared lipstick all over her face - it was practically on her eyebrows.

I've had so many emails lately and proposals (hi to Matt who I shagged at the weekend - by the way, you need to shave it more down there...) Anyway, keep the addresses of other similar blogs to mine that I might like coming.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Miss Thang is no freind of mine!

I HATE Miss Thang. She is such a bitch and her friends are all evil cunts and users. I'm never going to talk to any of them again. To cut a long story short, Miss Vaginal Discharge put LSD in my 20/20 "for a laugh" - yeah hilarious. And while I was sleeping off the hallucinations, they set fire to my hair so now I have a huge bald patch. And then they stole my mobile phone and all my money and cash cards (which I've had to cancel as they've been using them in Netto and Woolworths). Worse still, they left a note in my pocket saying "By the way Jamie love, you might want to get tested for syphillis now, as you've probably caught it off one of us."

I was furious and would have trashed Miss Thang's flat but it is so dirty and disgusting that I don't think she would have noticed. In fact, even if I had set fire to it and smeared shit everywhere, it would have been an improvement.

So anyways, I'm telling everyone I know - and if you see them, just watch out. They're all total dogs. My friends Debbie and Keith have been really sympathetic. Debbie shop-lifted one of those giant Cadbury's bars of chocolate (by hiding it down her knickers) and we scoffed it and watched Celebrity Big Brother. And all I have to say is that Jackie Stallone looks younger and more attractive and normal than Miss Thang and her friends.
Keith has developed a bit crush on Jeremy Edwards and keeps having these dreams about him. Typical of Keith. Jeremy Edwards might have been good-looking like 15 years ago or something, but now he's so old he could be my grand-dad. His face is so full of lines and he's PRACTICALLY BALD - his hairline starts halfway to the back of his face. He must be at least 45.

Anyway, to help me get over my awful ordeal of the last few days, Debbie and Keith and me are going to go to Blackpool this weekend to have a laugh and get shags. We've booked into this gay hotel where there are no locks on the doors. I can't wait. It'll be such a scream!

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Living with Miss Thang

I have been hanging out at Miss Thang's flat all week, with her and her drag queen friends. They have like adopted me as their mascot. They're great, all they do is beyotch about people, watch gay porn, take drugs, talk about Coronation Street, do each other's make-up and make pots of tea. It's like my fantasy world! All I have to do to make them like me is let one of them give me a blow-job in the bathroom every few hours or so. They keep fighting about who's turn it is next.

Anyway, Keith sent me a txt message and Miss Thang and her friends all thought it would be hilarious to play a joke on him, so I texted Keith to meet me in McDonalds drive-in carpark (that we can see from Miss Thang's bedroom window). He turned up and was waiting for ages in the rain. It was so hilarious - we were all watching him the whole time and making bitchy comments about his (lack of fashion). After about half an hour he looked up at the window and saw us all laughing at him. He's since sent me a text message saying that he hates me and doesn't want to be my friend any more, but as Miss Thang says, "the more you hate someone, the more you love them."

I have been itchy all morning - one of Miss Thang's friends, Miss Lulu, has this manky old cat called "Huge Pussy" and I think it has fleas. I have a few bites on my legs.

Monday, January 10, 2005

What do I look like?

I have had loads of emails since yesterday asking what I look like (some of them from dirty old men in their late 20s who have been asking to see naked pictures - well fuck off! Jamie4U don't do that - unless you send lots of money. Only kidding (or am I?)

Anyway, I don't have any photos of me at the moment, but everybody says I look like Kenzie from Blazin' Squad:

Except that he's like, really fat, so you should imagine that I'm much slimmer than him. Also, I have blonde streaks in my hair and generally am better at applying fake tan than he is. So now you know, beyotches!

Last night at Climax was great. There was this new act onstage, a fabulous drag queen called Miss Thing. She was hilarious, really foul-mouthed - she called Brian an ugly twat. And she got me up on stage at one point and made me get my cock out. Everyone was wetting themselves laughing. After the act, she came and sat with us for ages and told us about her amazing life. She's just back from holiday, where that sunami wrecked all those beaches. "You wouldn't believe it Jamie," she told me. "I'd only set foot inside the brothel when this huge tidal wave came crashing through the window. I had to climb aboard a floating mattress which still had a naked underaged Thai boy tied to it, in order to escape the water. I tell you Jamie, from now on I'm only going to be a sex tourist in South America!" She's hilarious isn't she. More later doods!

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Hello World

OK, so like, everyone I know is always saying to me, "Jamie, you're life is so amazing, you should really write a book about all the experiences you've had," And ya know what, they're right. I should really be charging you £6.99 or something to even read my words of wisdom, but because I'm such a giver, you can have it all for nothing.

I'm hoping though, that someone will read this and realise how great I am, and fall in love with me - because I do have a lot to offer, and I don't think there's anyone left in a 60 mile radius who I haven't had sex with (and most of them were right mingers and slags). So maybe the internet will help me find someone who I can have a wonderful long-term relationship with (I am hoping to beat my current record of 5 weeks).

First, a bit about myself. My name is Jamie, but you can call me Jamie4U. I am 19 (God I'm so old - I feel like killing myself) and I am GAY, OUT and PROUD. So don't come with your homophobia with me because Jamie4U is like a gay safe space OK? I am just a normal, down-to-earth guy, whos looking for something similar (if you're over 21, have more than a 30 inch waist then I'm not interested - you can FUCK OFF OK!!! Sorry but I get loads of ugly mingers emailing me). I'm straight-acting - I'm sorry but I can't stand queeny, camp guys - they're just not my cup of tea. My many hobbies include karoake (I do a great Madonna routine), Christina Agilariea (I maintain the best fan website on Christina on the whole internet), being popular (everyone wants to be my best friend - keep reading and you will too). I also cut my own hair (every day), and have a complicated beauty regime, which takes up a lot of my spare time.

I currently work in Asda, doing a variety of jobs there (stacking shelves, doing the tills when they are busy), but it is only for the time being and I am just killing time until I am spotted by a talent scout and whisked off to somewhere exciting like Manchester to be a top model, pop star or tv presenter. Everyone I know says that will happen (and my horoscope says it too - I am a Gemini by the way - although I'm not two-faced).

My best friend in the whole world is called Debbie. She's currently on a diet (getting over Christmas - she gained like 3 stone - poor bitch). She also works at Asda and we have a right laugh together. I think she fancied me at first, but now she knows I am gay she is kewl with it, and we tell each other everything about sex. Well, I tell her what I get up to (she doesn't get many fellas unfortunately - so I show her my cock once a month so she won't forget what one looks like). My other friend is called Keith - he's a bit boring really (he won't mind me saying this - hi Keith!) and just trails along everywhere after me. I just put up with him because he has a car and can take me on nights out to Preston and Blackpool.

I also have a "boyfriend" called Brian. I say "boyfriend" because he's not really my boyfriend, but more someone who I let have sex with every now and again, and he's always buying me presents and stuff. He's like 30, or something - old enough to be my grand-dad, he's practically bald for god sake! Anyway, he's the only person I know who has his own flat (it overlooks B&Q's car park, you can't miss it). I keep dumping him, but then he always gets round me by taking me on holiday etc. Still, if something better were to come along... you never know unless ya ask me.

Anyway, I'm exhausted after dictating all of this to Keith to type in, and I'm off down our great local gay pub "Climax" in a minute, so I'll keep you posted. Seeya!