Thursday, December 22, 2005

The one with the talking flowers.

I am so boooored of living in a Travelodge so I decided it was time to get back with Brian once and for all. I sent him a text saying "Hi wnt 2 mt 2nite 4 kfc and a fuck". He replied back saying that he would love to but he had arranged for a (sad) night in watching the whole new series of Dr Who with all of his (loser) freinds from the Dr Who society. So I decided to swallow my pride and pretend to be interested in Dr Who and invite myself along. Brian was like "OK, but Lee will be there as well." Lee is Miss Lotus Flower's real name. Whatever Minger!

Anyway, I put on my sluttiest clothes (and that was some feet as all my clothes are slutty). I had on my size ultra small t-shirt that is cut off just above my nipples, and I was wearing low-slung tight butt-cleavage jeans with rips all round the bum and stuff.. I also put on body glitter and extra blonde streaks in my hair and went on the sun bed for 30 minutes. So I was like hot shit!

I got there about 2 hours into the Dr Who Marathon. All these spastic losers were in Brian's front room, they all had glasses mended with sellotape and were either really fat with nasty bitch tits and sweating (ugh - I hate sweat), or really skinny with bad comb-over hair-don'ts. They were all fugly-fugly-fugly and closet cases - I've seen most of them hanging round outisde the loos on the top floor of the Arndale Centre. When I came in they all practically had a fit and couldn't stop stearing at me. I was like "Lap it up bitches, you can look but you can't touch." There weren't many seats left so I ended up wedging in between Brian and Miss Lotus Flower on the settee. Old Lotus was furious but had to pretend to be all smiles.

Anyway, I wish I could tell you about Dr Who but I'm afraid it was so boring that I fell asleep after about half an hour. Mind, it didn't help that all these morbidly obese loser fans kept saying "This contravenses episode 834 The Arc in Space where the Dr broke his sonic screwdriver" and similar shit. Like who gives a fuck. I don't understand people who watch tv. TV is for people with no lives. My life is better than tv.

Then it was like 5 in the morning or something and Miss Lotus Flower was prodding me in the side (the bitch) and it was all finished. I was like "OK, Brian, let's go to bed now!" But they all wanted to DISCUSS the whole series in detail. "What was your favorite episode Jamie?" some acned-faced geekoid said to me. Bitch! I had no idea as I'd talked and slept threw the hole thing. So I relied on my blagging skills and said "Oh, you know. The one with all the... drag queens." They all looked blank so I said "I mean squirrels!" Still blank faces. "No, I mean talking flowers." Brian pursed his lips into his little anus mouth and said "Jamie, I don't think you were watching." And Miss Lotus Flower started tittering and said "She was asleep the whole time. She hates Dr Who." Then all the geek fans went "oooooohhhh!" and "hiiiiisssssss!" cos it's like saying you hate god or something if you hate Dr Who.

"I am very disappointed with you!" said Brian. "I think you'd better go back to your travelodge now." I was really pissed off, and Lotus Flower was cackling and rubbing her evil claws together in glee. "Oh shurrrup!" I said. And I threw a bowl of pot pourri on the floor and stomped out.

It's not over though. I will get Brian back. And Miss Lotus Flower can eat my shit!


Post a Comment

<< Home