Wednesday, December 07, 2005


So anyways, the first thing I did when I got out of prison was go to McDonalds and have everything on the menu. Twice. Then I had to go to the loo cos I didn't feel well. I suppose my body isn't used to rich food after all that prison crap. Then I went home to Brian's flat. I was wondering if Brian was ill or summat because he hadn't been to visit me for three months. I hadnt really noticed but then I realised I hadnt seen him for ages.

When I got to his flat, I put my key in the door but it didn't work. Whaaaaat! So I started banging on it, screaming "let me in, its Jamie I'm back!" And all these gossipy old women came out from the nearby houses and were like "Oh Jamie luv, he's got someone else, he dumped you luv" and stuff. So I was about to break the window but then the door opened and you'll never guess - this Chinese lad who must of been about 12 or something answered. And he's REALLY REALLY camp and he goes "Yeeeeeeeeeessss?" to me. And I'm all like "Who the fuck are you? Where's Brian!" So I pushed past him - not difficult, I hate to say it but his waist size was even smaller than mine and that's some feat. Anyway, when I got upstairs I looked round and what a state Brian's flat had become! All my tasteful pictures of Colt models with hard-ons had been taken down. My Kylie shrine was like totally gone! And instead there were all these Chinese fans and paper screens everywhere. It's like Brian had gone to that weird shop Muji and said "I'll take the lot, load up the van!"

Meanwhile, Miss Lotus Flower was fluttering around screaming all this stuff but I was like "Look love, I don't understand a word you're saying. If you come over here you have to learn English." Then he goes, "I'm from Wigan."
So I was all "Who are you and what have you done with Brian!" and Lotus says "Brian's my boyfriend now. We had the locks changed. You have to leave.!" So I was like "Listen darlin - pack your fucking bags and get out of my flat. Brian LOVES me!"

And we started having this big girly slapping fight, shrieking and shit. And then Brian comes in and he said "Oh my god. Jamie what are you doing here?" And I dusted myself down and decided to be all cool like Sharon in Eastenders. "Hello Brian!" I said in my poshest voice. "I have returned so how abouts you kick this 5 year old whorella out along with this rubbish Chinese furniture and we can start where we left off."

And Brian looked all confused and said "But Jamie, you always treated ME like rubbish. You hated me."

So I said "No, no, that's not true. I don't hate you. I l......" But I couldn't say "love". And I couldn't even say "like" either. Cos I don't like him that much either. He's kind of sad and boring if you must know.

Then Lotus Flower throws herself at Brian's feet, screaming and wailing and making a right scene of herself. So I'm like: "Oh how pathetic. Brian you have to choose!"

And Brian looked at both of us for a long time (I can't believe I am writing this).

Anyways, I've now staying in a travel-lodge - at Brian's expense, while he "sorts his head out". Miss Lotus may have won round 1 but Jamie has a few tricks up her sleeve. Game on Bitch!


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