Friday, December 02, 2005

Is this thing on?

Is this thing on?

Yes folks, the bitch is back, and as they say, it's almost as if she's never been away! I have finally like given in to the millions of emails and shit that I got from people begging me to come back. I could like tell you that I spent the last six months living the hi-life on a rich mans yatch in Malta or something, but I have decided that this is the new Jamie4U who tells the truth about everything. So the truth is, I have been to prison and just been released.

It wasn't like even my fault or nothing. Me and Miss Thang (my fabulous drag queen Best Freind) had gone to Selfridges in Manchester for a fabUK Sex in the City shopping spree. Anyway, she was off squeezing into all these Jimmy Choo shoes (and snapping them cos her feet are so fucking big - they're like horses hooves honestly!) and I was busy cruising the lad who works on the DKNY counter. Anyway, to cut a long story short, were getting up to allsorts in the changing rooms and then Miss Thang comes barging in, subtle as usual screaming "Come oN Jamie we gotta go, like now beetch!" So I got off the lad and we left. Everyone was stairing as usual cos Miss Thang is 6 feet 8 and never bothers to put her wig on str8 or her lippy on propley - instead she just smears it all over her face so it looks like she's been eating babies or something. "Hey Jamie love, carry me bags for us, I'm on my period! said Miss Thang to me. So I was like "OK, whatever" cos, she's a drag queen not a real woman, and doens't have periods, but the last time anyone told her that she took a big bloody lamb chop out of her knickers and threw it in their face, so you have to be careful as its like a touchy subject with her.

So anyway, I was carrying all her bags and thinking that she'd bought a lot of stuff and all, and we got to the main doors and then all the alarms went off. Miss Thang gave out this massive shriek, took off her high heels, grabbed my bag and then goes "Run bitch!" And before I knew it, she's ran off. I tried to follow her, but this really butch security guard jumped me to the ground - he was like practically dry-humping me - the closet case. And before I knew it I'm in a prison cell and then I get six months (there are previous offences, I'm not going into it here).

As for that bitch Miss Thang, she didn't even turn up to my court case. She was off round the Arndale Centre wearing all the stuff I helped her steal. My dead ancient sad loser boyfriend Brian showed up at least and made a right pranny of himself by weeping and wailing like a bloody widow - he even wore a black vail - how camp is that?

Anyway, so that's where I've been for the last six months. It isn't very pretty, but what you gonna do?


At 9:50 AM, Blogger Trashbinder said...

Oh Jamie, you poor thing. It sounds as if you had quite an ordeal.

Are you going to treat us to some stories from behind the prison bars. No doubt you were the absolute A-Gay in the slammer, and could have total pick of all the cock in there.

Please give us a titbit of information, you know we've been chomping at the bit since you've stopped blogging.

I *heart* Jamie4U.

At 1:27 PM, Blogger William John said...

That Miss Thang! Crikey! I think the worst thing is that you had to get off that guy. Meh. Am glad you back, bee-atch!


William John.


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