Saturday, December 03, 2005

In the big house.

Anyway, so you mite be wondering what it was like 4 me in prison. Was it just like Prisoner Cell Block H and did I get to work the press and be freinds with Doreen and Lizzie and escape through a secret tunnel while putting on a panto for spastic kiddies? Well, duh - no. I kept a bit of a diary while on the inside - which I had to write on my legs. Here's what it says.

Day 1.

Well, prison is boring and crap. The worst of it is the clothes they make you wear - itchy and nasty and baggy with no arse to them. Hating it.

Day 8

Fortunately Debbie has come to see me. She's left me a "care package" which contains Heat and Now magazines so that will take up like half the week for me to get through them. Speaking of care, she's had her baby taken into care. She was an unfit mother. Who saw that coming! I didn't.

Day 46

Some of those criminals think they are tough shit and all, but they don't stand a chance with my vicious tongue - after all I have trained in bitchiness with Miss Thang and know just how what to say to humiliate and embarrass someone if they decide to pick on me. I am just like that one in Kill Bill!

Day 89

Some of the more fit prisoners are happy to let me help them get through those long nights - if you know what I mean. I have about 6 of them on the go at the same time, bringing me ciggies and whathaveyou in return for my "company". It helps pass the time I suppose.

Day 124

Well its nice to be popular. But one or two of my special freiends in here have got a bit possessive of me - well I was Mr Gay Blackburn runner-up 2003. There was a huge fight in the rec room last night cos of me. I love it when I am the centre of attention. Ha! Bring it on.

Day 157

I have got put into solitary confinement for two months, because the guards decided that everyone needs a rest from me. Bitches. They just want me to themselves.

Day 188

They have put this lad in solitary with me. He's right miserable. But kind of cute.

Day 201

I have tried to cheer my miserable cellmate up by singing to him every night. I do a scissor sisters medley with all the dance routines worked in - "Your FILTHY! And GORGEOUS!" But he just screams "shut up! I hate you!". I know that that is just his way of like working through his issues, and that he only wants me to shut up because he is like, falling in love with me and shit.

Day 202

Sadly even I wasn't enough for my cell-mate and he has killed himself. Oh well. Whatever. At least I get out of here tomorrow.


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