Friday, April 15, 2005

The Haunting of Jamie4U

The last few days have been so weerd I dont know how to begin to tell you.

After I was hounded out of Climax by EVERYONE(!) I went home, crying all the way. I decided to kill myself, like Keith so THEY'D all feel guilty too. But then I thought of a better idea. I would just pretend to take an overdose of parasetamol and that would have the same effect.

So I got home and wrote all these notes to people saying "Now Im dead and its your fault you beetches, youll never be as cool as me." And I took three parasetamol (I had to make it look beleevable and through the rest down the loo. Then I put on my fake tan and my best club outfit and lay down on the bed...

Anyway, then it all got really weerd and shit because I must have fallen asleep. Perhaps I did die! Who knows? It was all dark and I heard this voice saying "Jamie" Jamie!" Then the door of my bedroom opened and this figure came in but it was too dark for me to see and for some reason I couldn't move. There was this bright light then in my eyes and then I saw who it was. It was Keith! Shit! Barbara had been right all along! He was coming back to haunt me.

"Go back to the garden centre" I said. "You were happy there. Haunt the garden centre instead." But he just kind of floated towards me. Then I passed out.

When I woke up it was daylight and I realised I had been asleep for two days. I got up and went downstairs for breakfast (Cocopops and a packet of ciggies). I put the telly on and guess what? Keith was on the local news!!!! It turns out there was like a mix-up at the hospital - there was this 82 year old man also called Keith at the hospital who had died and they had buried him thinking it was the other Keith. Its all over the news and the conservatives want Keith to join there election campaign.

Anyway, my mobile had like 200 text messages on it from everyone and I am popular and Queen Beetch again. We all had a huge party at Climax to celebrate both me and Keith's failed suicide attempts. And guess what? Brian has asked me to move in to his flat. I cant decide what to do. He does have a nice flat with all this pine furniture (and its right above a KFC) but I dont know if I love him. Or even like him. Oh my life is such a soap opear right now.


At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh come on now, right? you are such a minger!

At 6:56 PM, Blogger William John said...

I am completely stunned. I once read a story about there two old broads who were sharing a room in the hospital. One of em must've been all whiny or something, and she got the other lady to swap beds with her so she could have the window view. Then they gave her the blood transfusion they were supposed to give the other lady. That's probably the sort of mix up that Keith had. Whiny, outshiny Keith.

A loft above a KFC! Who needs to think about that?! :)

William John.

At 12:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, please just kill the little cunt off. Even parody has its limits.

At 3:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How rude! I'm still hooked on the excitement. Jamie - you should tell us more about your exciting work life...


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