Sunday, April 03, 2005

The Dreams in Which I'm Dieing

Well since my tragic relationship break-up all my REAL freinds have rallyed round me. (Thankyou for all your emails and offers of sex. I promise that I will get round to all of you eventually.) Miss Thing said "I never liked Brian anyway, he was stuck-up and had an anus-mouth, here love, have an E." Debbie has offered to kill Brian and Keith for me by sitting on their faces until they sufocate. And Barbara invited me to her weerd house so that we could do a cleansing ritual. I had to take an item of clothing that Brian had given me (so I brought along some underwear) and then we turned off all the lights and lit candles and drew a pentanglagram on the floor with a purple felt tip pen and put the underwear in the middle and then we set fire to it and Barbara said "Spirits of NeverNever Land! Cleanse this Child! Make Everything OK Again. Oh and could you do something about my blocked pipes?"

Afterwards we had a cup of tea and Barbara put on some porn, but I was still feeling miserable and couldn't stop crying. "Life's so crap!" she said. "I know how to end the pain Jamie, let's do a suicide pact. We'll both kill ourselves right now and leave a note saying 'FUCK OFF EVERYONE'. I've been hoarding pills for years. Let's do it!" Then I got a bit frightened because I could tell like she really meant it. So I said "I have to go now." And then she got really embarrassed and was all "I was only joking" but we both knew she wasn't.

Anyway, I've been trying to drown out the pain of my life by going cottaging. I "set up shop" in these loos at the top of a car park in the town centre and just took on all-comers. Apparently word got round and there was a queue right the way down three flights of stairs. See Brian. Everyone fancies me. That'll teach you!


At 1:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jamie, if you think that ingesting the semen of dozens of random strangers is the answer, then you are more delusional than ever.


At 6:57 AM, Blogger Jon said...

Town centre you say?

Please may we have a map?

At 7:05 AM, Blogger gdayscott said...

a few weeks of random anonymous sex always helps. you be strong little jamie. and careful. lots of rancid married men willing to take advantage of a wee bairn like yourself.

At 7:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jamie, ignore that comment about finding God.

It's clear that God has killed off Poap Jean-Paul or whatever the Poaps name is. I reckon its fate and that God has chosen you to be his ambasidor on earth.

Its your destany. Either that or you should consider becomeing a model.


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