Sunday, March 27, 2005

This is why my life is more exiting than yours

hat a great night. You know what, I wasn't really looking forward to it as I have this awful sore throat and bad cold coming on and I was sneezing everywhere in the car and had to gargle with some of Barbara's whiskey from her mini-bar in the glove compartment (she had some too just to be on the safe side and to calm her nerves as she gets a bit stressed out when she has to drive). Anyway, the clubs in Blackpool were great and I snogged 16 cute guys. Brian (my on-off boyfriend) was like dead jealous and kept spoiling it by banging on the cubicle door saying "Jamie Jamie are you in there? Come out!" Hilarious or what?

There was this right ugly minger who Keith fancied but he's always like too shy to do anything about it, so I thought I would be a good freind and so I went up to the minger and said "Hey beyotch! See that lad over there - the one with the skin problems and anorak - he wants to shag ya! So What ya gonna do about it then?" The minger was about to go over and talk to Keith, but then I thought I'd better be totally honest with him about Keith as there's no point in getting Keith's hopes up so I said "Oh, by the way - he's only got a 1 inch dick and I think he might have an SDT." So the minger changed his mind and Keith had to get chips on his own again.

I don't know what happened to everyone else, because before I knew it, it was like 4 in the morning and I woke up lying face down on the floor of the toilets in this club that I don't remember going into. I never did find my underwear.

Anyway, it turns out I had such a lucky escape because you'll never beleive it but Barbara had a horrible car accident on the way back from Blackpool. She escaped unharmed (she'd drunk so much that she was numb to pain), but Brian, Keith and Debbie have all been rushed to intensive care. Can you beleive it? It could of been me! I could of died in that accident! I can't beleive it. I have been running round all morning telling everyone I know - I also had a scene in the hospital when I tried to see them and they wouldn't let me.

In the end, I got to see them - I think Debbie will be OK - her fat cushioned her from most of the impact (the doctors said it was better than an airbag), and although she won't be able to eat solids for three weeks, she'll be able to live off all her fat. So been morbidly obese has actually SAVED her life TWICE! Brian and Keith, it turns out, only got cuts and bruises. I was dead disappointed when I found out - I was all ready to cry and was picking out my funeral clothes from Topman and had a speech ready and stuff and then they're OK. Typical. Still, I bet you are all jealous as anything reading this because now you know how exiting my life is and how boring yours is in comparison.


At 2:29 AM, Blogger William John said...

That does sound exciting. I merely sat around today, not really doing anything. I bought some KFC and watched 'An affair to remember' for the first time. 'Twas sad.

I knew that Barbs would have her downside... if only there had've been some clue earlier...


William John.

At 7:45 AM, Blogger Jon said...

I am SO jealous!

All I did last night was stop in and have hot, animal-like gay sex with my boyfriend!


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