Saturday, March 26, 2005

Barbara Bargain Boozed

I have a NEW FREIND. I met her because she was in the queue in front of me in Bargain Booze. I was getting lottery tickets, ciggies and 10 giant Easter eggs for Debbie when this woman with huge round glasses and big brown and grey frizzy hair and these weird 1970s clothes in queue in front of me suddenly made a run for the door, and the barriers went up and all the alarms went off. She was trying to steal three bottles of vodka. Anyway, the shop keeper phoned the police, but then this woman started screaming "I'm not going back to prison! I'm not going back to prison" and she started turning purple and fell on the ground. The shop keeper went in the back to get his first aid kit, and the woman jumped up as quick as she could, broke threw the barriers and ran away. I noticed she'd left one of the bottles of vodka behind so I chased after her, "forgetting" to pay for my stuff as well luckily.

Anyway, her name is Barbara and she is a 53 year old lesbian incontinent alcoholic. she had an old car parked round the corner and offered me a lift home, so I said yes. I soon regretted it though because she is like the worst driver in the world (even worse than Debbie who has failed her test 18 times and is in the Guiness Book of World Records). We had only been driving for 2 minutes and she crashed into another car, got into a fight with two other drivers and fell over. Anyway, she was in such a state that we ended up having to leave her car in the middle of the roundabout and getting a taxi to her house.

She lives in this really weerd stinky house with four floors and about thirty cats. All of the walls are painted like red and purple and black and silver and everything smells of dope. She made me a herbal tea (have you ever had one of those before - it's like hot water that tastes of bubble gum) and then said she is a siycick and would do my tarot and horoscope. Anyway, it was dead good and she said "Jamie! You're going to be famous! I can see you on the telly with Ant and Dec!" Anyway, we are now like best freinds and everything and she's coming out with me and Debbie and Brian and Keith tonight to Blackpool. She's offered to drive us, which is good. "I've even got a minibar in my glove compartment" she told me. It's going to be great.


At 7:43 PM, Blogger William John said...

Well, she certainly sounds like a nice lady. I mean, we can't all have the greatest vocation, now, can we? I just hope she drives carefully... we can't have you out of action and not blogging along just because you trust stinky old drivers with bottles of vodka clutched against their boozies. ;)

William John.


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