Monday, August 17, 2009

Jamie4U was created by man. He evolved. He rebelled. And he has a (tan) plan

I have literally been stopping traffick with my outrageous fake tan! On local tv last night the last item was about how a bus driver saw me walking down the street and ran over a granny cos he was so surprised at how cool I looked. Even the police have been round to see me about it, and I've been told that I'm "causing a distraction" and have to wash off my tan!!!

It is typical that I try and raise the tone of this crap little town and this is the thanx I am payed. It is like living in Iranistan or something living here. I am like totally being made a victim because I love fashion. I'm like a Fashion Victim or something.

Anyway, I'm not going to change. I am going to spread the word of Tan whereever I go. Me and Debbie and Miss Thang have formed our own politikal group. We are called the Orange Panthers and this is our mission:

  • To make everyone orange
  • To make paleness like illegal
  • To have Jodie Marsh made queen of England

    I have got some of my fake tan from Russia in a spray. This morning I went round Kwicsave and Iceland with it and sprayed all the pensioners with it when they weren't looking. None of them thanked me - they're like so ungrateful even though I am like spending MY OWN MONEY on them in the sake of fashion. One of them turned her head too quick and I got her right in the eyes with the tan. She was like "Oh Oh I'm being mugged. I can't see!!" So I decided to get the hell right out of there. I even lost my spray tan can in the exsitement. Damn!! But as Miss Thang said later "Jamie, we all must suffer for our politics. If we can just make one pensioner orange then we will have got our message out there."

    Anyway, all this is a secret obviously, so don't tell anyone. Oh and get some fake tan on now you bitches!!


  • Sunday, August 16, 2009

    I am totally tantastic!!!

    I have spent all day applieing this special fake tan stuff that I got on the internet from Russia. As my skin tone is quite dark, I have to buy products that are designed for black people. There were some instructions about washing it off after 10 minutes as it can cause "skin melting" and "cancer" but I just leave it on because I want to have the darkest tan there is. It's great because it actually burns away the top layers of your skin so you have this purple skin exposed underneath, then it actually tans the purple skin, making it the colour of tree bark. You just can't let anyone touch you afterwards.

    I look fucking gorgeous when I've had it done, so I decided to take myself off into town to show off my new tan. Everyone I walked past was staring - obviously they were all dead jealous. Someone shouted "Get back to Pakistan!" at me so I just said "Fuck off, you are homophobick!!" and went on my way. OBviously some people have no fashion sense!

    Anyway, Keith has been sending me like 10 texts a minute to say meet him in the bus station cafe, and I was planning on doing some cottaging in there anyways, I decided to look in and put him out of his misery. He was sharing a flapjack with his new boyfreind Evan. Evan was wearing this tight t-shirt which showed off his massive arms and pecs. He's such a show-off and so needy for attention all the time. Honestly, it's patheitic. "Jamie, we can't decide what to wear for our civil partnership," bleated Keith. "I was thinking we should both wear white suits but Evan was thinking of being bold and having us both dressed in just jockstraps with angel wings."

    So I said: "I don't really care what you go as. Civil partneships are so last year anyways. They never last. And in anycase, it doesn't matter what Keith wears, the camera flash will bounce of his shiny face so no-one will see anything anyway."

    Keith gave a little scream and ran off to the loos to look at his face, so I was left with Evan. He like totally started flirting with me. He just sat there, texting and not looking at me. I could tell he was despearate for me to rip off his t-shirt. So I just like ignored him back. But after 10 seconds I got bored, and anyway, Keith was coming back, so I said quickly "So Evan, how about you come back to my flat. After been in prison I can take a whole fist." Evan said "Urrrgh, you're a vile common little queen. Fuck off!" But I could tell he was only saying that cos Keith had come back at that moment. So I got up, and ran my fingers across his face seductively (it would of been even sexier if some of my skin hadn't flaked off at that point) and said "You'll be following me out of here in ten minutes..."

    I waited outside the cafe for a bit, but obviously Keith must have pulled one of her big queeny tantrums. She's so possessive and jealous.


    Wednesday, August 12, 2009

    On the inside the sun don't shine

    Ohmygod, finally! I guess you've all been wondering where I was for the last 2 years. Well, all I can say is that I was totally innosent and John Barrowman and all those other cellebrities who said I was stalking them were all telling lies - it was clearly a conspiracy and they felt threatened by me. Anyway, I'm on the outside now and my parole officer says I have to behave. I've even got a job at the new TK Max what's opened in the town centre. Debbie got me it, she's there too.

    Brian has waited for me while I was in prison. He visited me every day and brought me like loads of care packages with cds, celebmagazines, fake tan, body glitter, hair bleach and kitkats. I don't want to sound ungrateful but often he'd get me the wrong shade of fake tan - like, I'd make it clear I wanted burnt umber, but he'd get me heavy sienna and stuff like that. I had to teach him a lesson and refused to see him for 2 weeks so he made the daily 50 mile trip for nothing. He just didn't understand what it was like to be in prison. It wasn't all daytime tv and giving skinheads handjobs (though that involved most of it). Still, he knows how I have suffered (he even went on hunger strike for me), and we are going to have a fresh start.

    We went down to Climax 2000 last night - the hip and happening LGB club in town. Miss Thang, my fab drag-queen DJ freind was so pleased to see me. "Sorry I couldn't visit you Jamie!" she said, "As you know, I don't do public transport, but I sent you happy thoughts almost every day." It looks as if life hasn't been treating her too well. She's lost three teeth and shakes quite a lot now. "I'm on that Demonoral stuff what killed Michael Jackson," she told me. "It's dead nice, but the comedown's a bitch."

    My fugly and boring freind Keith introduced me to his new boyfriend Evan. Evan works for the NHS "He's on 16 and a half thousand a year," Keith bragged. He's also does tryathalons and is dead butch. "Show Jamie your six pack!" said Keith. Evan pulled up his t-shirt and everyone went "wow". I wasn't that impressed. "Anyway, let me tell you about the night I had a sandwich with two of the warders" I said, but for some reason no-one heard me and they were all touching Evan's six-pack. He isn't even that good-looking. Keith and Evan are having a civil partnership soon. "Jamie, I want you to be there," said Keith. "Will you sing at it?" I agreed - I guess I do need to be a good freind to him and bring some much-needed glamour and soffistication to his civil partnership. Anyway, later bitches. I need to rehearse the words to the Spice Girl's Wannabe - I thought I'd go for one of the classical pieces.

    Friday, April 13, 2007

    The temptation of Jamie4jesus

    I was on the way to church last night when this big black camper van with a big red pair of lips painted on the side stops right by me. The back doors open and these three people wearing balaclavas jump out, grab me and throw me in the van. Then they drive off. I'm like - "look, I don't do that sort of thing any more" cos when I was gay I got paid to do a few "rape and kidnap fantasies" for sickos off the internet.

    Anyway, the three people pull off there balaclavas and it's Miss Thang, Brian and Barbara. Miss Thang is like "Thank GOD!!! This thing is so not my colour!" So I'm like "What the fuck are you lot doing? You'll make me late for church. We're having a talk about the Devil uses Kylie Minogue to corrupt young people."

    Brian is like "Jamie, you've been brainwashed by a CULT! We're taking you to a safe place and we're going to deprogramme you."

    Miss Thang goes "God Brian, I keep telling you, the little fucker doesn't have a brain to wash. God knows why I let you all talk me into this. But Miss Thang loves drama and besides, Corrie isn't on tonight."

    Anyway, the van stops, and I see it's Keith and Debbie who are driving it. They all get out and I am blindfolded and pushed into this room - when they take the blindfold off I am tied to a chair. I recognise that it's the upstairs of Climax 2000.

    "Your deprogramming begins now bitch!" says Miss Thang. And she slaps me across the face for no reason. "We all talked about how to "get through" to you, and none of us could agree, so we're going to take turns." So beings the tempting of Jamie4jesus...

    First Debbie appears. "I've shoplifted all this chocolate from Kwicsave" she says. She then pulls all these Kingsize Mars bars and kitkats from down her bra. "SNIFF IT!" she says. Then "EAT IT!" I am forced to eat chocolate. It tastes good. I haven't had chocolate for like weeks - Revred Bogg says it's the Devil's Poo. ("that's why it's brown"). But I stay strong.

    Then Keith gives me a pint of Barcardi Breezer. It's my favrite flavour: blue. But it doesn't work and I scream that I love the Baby Jesus.

    Then Barbara appears with a load of drugs and shoves a handful down my gob. It must be good stuff - probably GHB with a bit of LSD and a few Es. I have a vision of God, but it's just Miss Thang.

    "This'll get ya!" she screams, right close up to me face. And she puts on a Triga porn DVD - it's my favourite "Scally tracky chavvy footie cum scum VVI". I try and close my eyes, but Miss Thang holds them open with matchsticks. "Watch it. Watch all that hot chav action!" she hisses. "You know there can't be a God. God would never allow this filth!"

    I scream "Nooooooo!" And then Brian goes "Enough!" and turns it off. Brian then goes "Oh Jamie, none of your favourite things have worked. So all I have left is my undieing love for you. Please Jamie, denounce this cult and come home with me. I've just bought a 50 inch flat screen tv. And I'll make you microchips and findus crispy pancakes every night for tea for a week."

    I'm like "Whatever! Not interested luh-huser!"

    "Bring out the final weapon!" goes Miss Thang. So Brian gets something out of a bag. And I realise that they have won. I can't fight any more. It's a kylie cd. They start playing "Can't get you out of my head, na, na, na..." And I'm about to give in.

    But then the door bursts open and it's Flo and Revrend Bogg and all the hunks from the church. Revrend Bogg holds up a huge cross and Miss Thang hisses and falls backwards. Flo unties me, and they help me escape.

    "You haven't heard the last of this" screams Brian. "We're going to the police! Your little cult thing is OVER!"

    Whew, what a lot of exsitement!

    Wednesday, March 28, 2007

    You'd better start praying - cos the rapture happens TONIGHT!!

    I was in bed with my GIRLfreind Flo and we were trying to have sex. Even though I'm not gay anymore I can only really do it if I lie on my stomach and she sticks her hand up my bum while I think about Philip Olive.

    Anyway, it had been going on for about 10 minutes and then suddenly Flo gets all shakey and weird and is like "I'm having one! I'm having one!" So I pull the sheets over my head to avoid her, but she says "No! I'm having a vision Jamie. God is telling me when the rapture is going to be." Her eyes then roll back in her head and she goes "The rapture will beeeeeeeeeee........." just like Davina when she anounces the eviction on Big Brother. And then she goes "TONIGHT at 7.58pm!!!!" (That means I'll miss the end of Corrie! Damn!)

    Anyway, we had to text all the members of the church and get down to our church right away to prepare. It was so exciting, everyone in a right state - we had to say goodbye to our families and shit, and make sure all our cookers and tellys were turned off. When we got to the church, Flo suddenly had a panic and was like "I forgot to let my pussycat out! Minky will die of starvataion when I'm Raptured Up." So Reverend Bogg was like "Ok, hurry back home and do it.."

    So it got to like 7.51 and Flo still hadn't come back. Then hunky Tyler was like - "I know, let's play a trick on Flo. We'll all hide in the Bible closet and when she comes back, she'll think we've already been Raptured Up!" Everyone thought this was a great idea, so we all got into the closet together. We had to take our clothes off though and leave them in piles - because when you're Raptured Up, your clothes get left behind. Anyway, we were in the closet - it was a really tight squeeze. I had Reverend Bogg behind me and his pipe was digging right into me!

    Then we heard Flo come back in. She saw all the piles of clothes and was like "OH MY GOD! The RAPTURE! It's happened!!!! And I've been LEFT BEHIIIIIINNNNNNNDD!!!!!!!!!" She then started slapping herself and pulling at her own hair and going a bit mad (I'm scared of her).

    Reverend Bogg suddenly started breathing really heavily and groaned a bit, and then said "OK, let's put her out of her misery." So we all got out of the closet and went "Boo!" to Flo. She nearly pissed herself.

    That night the rapture didn't happen. Flo said she must have misheard God again because he somtimes says some words in French.

    And I must of sat in some rice pudding or something, because my back was absolutely covered in all this white gooey stuff. Oh well.

    Monday, March 26, 2007

    Miss Thang vs. Revrend Bogg

    On Saturday I was down the town centre with Revrend Bogg and all of my Church. We were singing and trying to save souls. I was shaking my tamborine (and my booty). Anyway, who should walk past but Brian and Debbie and Keith and Miss Thang and Barbara. Miss Thang heard all our singing and she was started screaming "I FUCKED JESUS UP THE ASS LAST NIGHT!" and other stuff like that. Revrend Bogg got all excited and he pointed at them all and was like "We have HOMOSEXSHUALS IN OUR MIDST!!! You people are the UNGODLY and HELL-BOUND!" Debbie turned round, pulled her knickers down and did a shit right in front of them - "That's what I think of yous lot!" she said. It was all getting a bit nasty, and then Brian noticed me.

    "Jamie?" is that you? Everyone was like dead shocked and started asking questions at me: "You've changed so much!" "What happened to your hair?" "Is that a side parting?" "Why is it just one colour?" "Where's your fake tan?" "Why are you wearing Gap cordoroys?" "Is that shirt from MARKS AND SPENCER????"

    I was like "BEGONE, I am WITH CHRIST and such things like don't matter to me anymores."

    Miss Thang was like "Oh fuckin ell they've brainwashed the little cunt."

    Then my GIRLfreind Flo stepped in and was like "Jamie's one of us now. He's saved. And when we're all raptured up to Heavin, you sinners'll be left down here in the nuclear war and everything."

    Miss Thang was like "Yeah? Well good, cos maybe all the radiation will make my hand grow back (she lost it remember during a tragick accident invovling a waste disposal unit).

    Brian was like "Jamie, I'm sorry we were all horrible to you. Come to Climax 2000 with us. It's a Kylie night. Theyre playing as much Kylie as you can stand to listen to...."

    But I was like "No, the HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLE is in my past. I am BORN AGAIN!"

    "Hallyloolah!" shouted all my Church at once. And then all my ex-freinds sulked off in a huff.


    Tuesday, March 20, 2007

    Go With the Flo

    I have spent the whole week praying and finding out about god and heavin and shit like that. I like so totally beleeve in god now. This means that I have to stop being gay, cos as Revrend Bogg says "every time that someone puts their cock up your bum Jamie, the baby jesus gets punched in the face by the devil."

    Anyways it doesn't matter cos I now have a *girl*friend. Her name is Flo - she is 45 and is one of the members of our church. She lives with her mother and knows like the whole bible inside out. She has grey frizzy hair, and like the worst taste in clothes, and doesn't wear make-up and doesn't smile very much, except when she's talking about the Rapture. On our first date (to a tour of an abbatoir) she told me all about how like one day really soon, God is going to come and take up all the good beilevers into Heaven, and all the bad people and non-beilevers will be Left Behind. And then there'll be a nuclear war and everyone will have to have 666 put on their hands and go to hell and stuff. It sounds awful. Flo says she hears God who tells her when the Rapture is going to be. Last year, she predicted the Rapture on 76 different occasions but it didn't happen. "God speaks in a whisper, so I can't always hear him properly" she told me.

    After watching cows being slaughtered on our date, we went back to my place. We were sitting on my bed and Flo noticed a copy of Heat magazine. She FREAKED OUT and held up her cross at it and was like "HEAT is the WORK of THE DEVIL!!!! HEAT is what you get when you're IN HELL!!!!" But I was like "No, Heat is cool - I've shop-lifted every single issue of it. Come and have a look Flo. See how thin Posh Spice is. And look at Vanessa Feltz." Flo hid behind a pillow but kept peeking out and giggling at all the fat and thin women in Heat. Afterwards we were going to have some twix and kitkats for supper, but Flo wouldn't have any kitkats. "I'm too fat!" she said. God! Heat magazine really works its magic fast doesn't it. It gave Flo an eating disorder after only 10 minutes!