I was on the way to church last night when this big black camper van with a big red pair of lips painted on the side stops right by me. The back doors open and these three people wearing balaclavas jump out, grab me and throw me in the van. Then they drive off. I'm like - "look, I don't do that sort of thing any more" cos when I was gay I got paid to do a few "rape and kidnap fantasies" for sickos off the internet.
Anyway, the three people pull off there balaclavas and it's Miss Thang, Brian and Barbara. Miss Thang is like "Thank GOD!!! This thing is so not my colour!" So I'm like "What the fuck are you lot doing? You'll make me late for church. We're having a talk about the Devil uses Kylie Minogue to corrupt young people."
Brian is like "Jamie, you've been brainwashed by a CULT! We're taking you to a safe place and we're going to deprogramme you."
Miss Thang goes "God Brian, I keep telling you, the little fucker doesn't have a brain to wash. God knows why I let you all talk me into this. But Miss Thang loves drama and besides, Corrie isn't on tonight."
Anyway, the van stops, and I see it's Keith and Debbie who are driving it. They all get out and I am blindfolded and pushed into this room - when they take the blindfold off I am tied to a chair. I recognise that it's the upstairs of Climax 2000.
"Your deprogramming begins now bitch!" says Miss Thang. And she slaps me across the face for no reason. "We all talked about how to "get through" to you, and none of us could agree, so we're going to take turns." So beings the tempting of Jamie4jesus...
First Debbie appears. "I've shoplifted all this chocolate from Kwicsave" she says. She then pulls all these Kingsize Mars bars and kitkats from down her bra. "SNIFF IT!" she says. Then "EAT IT!" I am forced to eat chocolate. It tastes good. I haven't had chocolate for like weeks - Revred Bogg says it's the Devil's Poo. ("that's why it's brown"). But I stay strong.
Then Keith gives me a pint of Barcardi Breezer. It's my favrite flavour: blue. But it doesn't work and I scream that I love the Baby Jesus.
Then Barbara appears with a load of drugs and shoves a handful down my gob. It must be good stuff - probably GHB with a bit of LSD and a few Es. I have a vision of God, but it's just Miss Thang.
"This'll get ya!" she screams, right close up to me face. And she puts on a Triga porn DVD - it's my favourite "Scally tracky chavvy footie cum scum VVI". I try and close my eyes, but Miss Thang holds them open with matchsticks. "Watch it. Watch all that hot chav action!" she hisses. "You know there can't be a God. God would never allow this filth!"
I scream "Nooooooo!" And then Brian goes "Enough!" and turns it off. Brian then goes "Oh Jamie, none of your favourite things have worked. So all I have left is my undieing love for you. Please Jamie, denounce this cult and come home with me. I've just bought a 50 inch flat screen tv. And I'll make you microchips and findus crispy pancakes every night for tea for a week."
I'm like "Whatever! Not interested luh-huser!"
"Bring out the final weapon!" goes Miss Thang. So Brian gets something out of a bag. And I realise that they have won. I can't fight any more. It's a kylie cd. They start playing "Can't get you out of my head, na, na, na..." And I'm about to give in.
But then the door bursts open and it's Flo and Revrend Bogg and all the hunks from the church. Revrend Bogg holds up a huge cross and Miss Thang hisses and falls backwards. Flo unties me, and they help me escape.
"You haven't heard the last of this" screams Brian. "We're going to the police! Your little cult thing is OVER!"
Whew, what a lot of exsitement!